Week 10 Championship Match: (Champion) Artifice vs Adverse [ARTIFICE WINS 5-2]

[asylum]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due MONDAY 5/9 11:59 PST

Voting ends WEDNESDAY 5/11 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic: "Little Red Corvette"


Good luck to both participants.
Artifice (5-1) vs Adverse (4-0)

[Artifice]

went 32, I'm cool if you go the full 48...


high school comes to a close, another of life's chapters finished
that's why tonight's a night for us to take a look back at all the magic in it
remember when we first met, second semester grade nine
buyin' slices at the pizzeria where you & me went for a great time
waitin' in line i tried to break the ice by crackin' jokes
wasn't a waste of time, cuz funny enough, you actually laughed at those
rode the bus home, the whole way you played with your hair
plus you were so respectful, loved when you gave an old lady your chair
lost in thought i awkwardly walked you to your front door
gave you a kiss goodnight, turned to leave when you gave me one more
butterflies pollinate my nerves as these feelings blossom
didn't matter what we'd do, if it's spent with you every evening's awesome
often borrowed my dad's car to impress you for date nights
drive out to make-out point & enjoy each other's presence til late night
fingers interlaced as footsteps trace through these hallways
if i'm in detention you stick around til it ended, you'd wait for me always
used to usually skip them, instead she gets me to head to class
in time i understood why people referred to her type as "your better half"
these last four years have appeared to be a dream come true
& yet i still live in fear that this evening might not seem to be one too
he ties his bowtie with hopes high that he won't embarrass himself
as these thoughts reflect in front of the mirror where he stares at himself
puts on his cummerbund, he grabs his keys & corsage
& heads downstairs to hear his dad yell to meet him in the garage
soon as he's through the door his dad threw him the keys to the 'vette
& said "she's your car now son... just please always treat her with respect"
he stands in awe, not sure whether to believe his eyes
the greatest day ever, he feels like the luckiest man to ever be alive
hops in his new ride & as he drives to pick up his boo tonight
his mind drifts along this path of happiness fused to their future life
husband & wife, white picket fence, spend together a long life
thoughts as she hops in his little red corvette & they head off to prom night

[Adverse]

As a kid, often I would go on neighborhood adventures...
Warm breeze whispering to me, pavement underneath my light-up sketchers
Nostalgia was stained in the scene before I could even detect it
Sweat accumulating in my long hair, making my head itch...
There she was between a pair of oaks, dwelling in the tree's shade
Leaning against the bark, leaving no room for any leeway...
Overalls tucked away her feminine clothes, hair balled up in a cap
She noticed me at a glance but stared back to the grass
I let her be, entered her dark vicinity, hiding from the sun's endless beams
I smiled friendly as I laid down in the grass "What's up Emily?"
She explained she wanted a break, been in Dad's workshop all day
Perfecting their project that they been working on all day
I followed her home, showcased on her front lawn
Was an maroon corvette, that I could tell she set her heart on
Laying her hand on the car she built, proud of her accomplishment
"See, we were just hanging out and me and Daddy thought of this
He'd always call me his red corvette, the way I raced around the block
And for the rosy pigment pasted in my face when I would stop
So the concept for a father/daughter project popped into our heads
Said we wouldn't stop till we were dead, this is a project of our unrest!"
I was impressed, inspecting the vehicle as her Dad approached...
Key clenched in his hands, "What you say we get this bad boy on the road!"
I strapped myself in the backseat as we hit the max speed, scenary blurring around me
Felt like we were transcending time in a Delorean, breaking the boundaries
That memory always stuck with me, NOW back to the present...
I'm hanging on the end of my sentence, a period where it ended..
I look out to the sea of black suits and dresses in the crowd
Hands shaking and crumpling the paper I read aloud, best I put it down
Closed casket behind me, picture of a familiar complexion...
Those scarlet cheeks would always be instilled in my reflections
But there was a thought I couldn't escape in my head...
I was in the passenger seat in the same wreck, that mangled corvette...
Is it survivor's guilt? This bursting anger I possess?
Is it hatred towards myself that I couldn't save you from this??...
Not a scratch on me, but just inches next to my seat
They had to unclip your seat belt, pull you from the mess of debris
Gave you everything they had as you laid in rest on the street
Started CPR, but it was no good, they announced your death on the scene, 10:33
I don't feel blessed for surviving, it makes me wanna break down instead
My little red corvette, you still race through my head every night I lay down in bed.

[Razah]

Yo, this battle could go either way.


Solid verses from both, and here's my breakdown. Artifice, the story was cool. No 'ahh that was dope' lines, but I rarely see those in stories. The wording & rhyming was super smooth. To me, that's what made your verse dope. I was able to read along with having to stop & find the flow or anything, nice smooth read.

Adverse had a dope story. Story wise, you easily beat Artifice. What hurt you, is what made Artifice's verse so good to me.. certain words you choose, the flow of it, the length of each bar (going from less syllables to a noticeable difference really messes the way I read it). So yeah, this is why I feel it could go either way, Adverse had a dope twist, and Artifice had the smoother read. In my eyes, Im'a always have to go with the smoother read. If Adverse would have touched up some lines here & there & made it smoother, I would've given him the vote easily.

vArtifice

[NYCSPITZ]

I liked this battle, I mean it was cool shit my brothas. Artifice you chose a straightforward story of a love stricken high school couple which was cool. I thought although it was mostly simple diction, it came across as rather ingenious as the devil was in the details - the bus scene where she's playing with her hair and giving the old lady her seat and then they kiss was very realistic and gave me the air that this is based on a true story or keen observation of others interacting this way in high school. It was light, upbeat and positive and I like that. Enjoyable. As good as it was I think it picked up in the second half, just overall a really cool enjoyable vibe to it...good job

Adverse, I like the verse broski. You set the scene well with the beginning, going on adventures, light up sketchers etc. It added an element of allure to it. I particularly thought the section from the delorean allegory to him speaking at Emily's funeral was delicately worded and an excellent way to switch to that phase of the story. Overall your written contained more complex writing mechanisms and had loftier ideals insofar as complexity and scheme, mixing in dialogue and all that. There are a couple of things that make the story implausible though. First, a little girl builds a corvette with her dad is unlikely. It would take all kinds of money and sophisticated tools that little girls don't use, and they'd have to custom order all the parts etc, there may be laws against indivudals replicating cars like that etc etc. It's implausible but not a big deal. What hinders the verse is that you paced the story too fast. You make it seem like he doesn't really know Emily that well then all of a sudden they're in front of her home talking as normally as could be. A lot of the wording seemed unnatural like: "Said we wouldn't stop till we were dead, this is a project of our unrest!" but I understand how hard it can be to make dialogue rhyme - it's just not done in real life. But, he goes from not really knowing her, to having an animated convo with no bridge between the two scenes really, to having her dad pop out of nowhere and drive to her untimely end. It was a laudable effort and large in scope, but in the end it could have been executed better IMO. I still enjoyed the verse, the little details like his hands shaking at the funeral gives your boy the feels, but I think you can write a cleaner verse in the end. Lots of potential.

V/ Artifice

[timeless]

Art, old lady's chair, make out point are just a couple examples of filler. You could've went 20-24 and this verse would've been just as effective. You don't want to bore your reader with overdone details. I also felt incomplete at the end. Ouldve done more. Smooth wording though as usual. Def seen better from you

Ad, pretty dramatic tale. Progression was odd when it came to the switch of perspectives. Wording was sloppy at times making it hard to endure. Not bad just needs more thought and preciseness.

V. Art for being a tad more polished

[Adonis]

I said I didn't know who either writer was in mag, well we about to find out. Leggo!

Fice - Your very first line is just a great opener man. Very nice set up, I like where we're headed. Until the syllable count was off with that second line, no matter. I'll finish the read now. Also, "Tonights the night" is redundant as hell, I don't know how I feel about this one though because it really does make for a sound sentence and one I probably would not batt and eye at either, I just think it sounds a bit off now that I look at is all. "Butterflies pollinate my nerves" Perfect wording here friend, a fine idiom indeed, this sentence explains so much, I love it. Again with the repetitiveness, "Going out to make-out point". I would focus on steering clear of such lines, this would give you a bit more polish. Solid verse with one glaring error, and a major one too. The first half of the verse was purely first person narrative, then this... "he ties his bowtie with hopes high that he won't embarrass himself" and you spoke in that tense the rest of the way. It sucks that you made this simpler and common mistake on a fairly sound verse, but like I said, glaring. I enjoyed the read though, no crazy twist or shock value emptiness, just a personal look into a relationship of the budding stage. Sound writing in the end though, you are relatively detailed with conceptual lines that really stand out and give you an edge in that close vote swing in my personal opinion. I enjoyed it, thank you. Oh, I will add and finish with this, although you executed the topic, the route you chose seemed a bit uninspired and not as out of the box or progressive as I would have liked. You did however, execute your concept of choice fine though, just not as forward thinking as I usually prefer.


Addy - LMFAO at that abbreviation, I kill myself. Oh fuck, they had sketchers when you were a kid? You're younger then my younger brother man, FML I need to retire from this shit. So far you have a very distinct and descriptive style, but after "I followed her home" I just love where the story is going. I don't remember the name, but this reminds me of a Brother Ali song (haven't listened to him in ages) that is about him stalking and harassing some chick, dope track. You're transitions in tense and scenery, shit, even time is really good. From "the meet" to driving in a car to funeral in such a small amount of lines is impressive. Ohhhhh.... "I was in the passenger seat in the same wreck, that mangled corvette...I strapped myself in the backseat" you fucked that one up brah. Fuck you, I just noticed what you did in the beginning. Started off as the guy staring at the girl, but later transitioned into the girl as you started talking. That's pretty damn conceited and smart on her part, I love it. You are a vet in my eyes, very polished writing, very particular and detailed on all fronts. Thank you.


This was a dope battle boys, fit the bill for title match. Both verses are sound, but in my eyes Adverse had the better verse. His flow was more natural, though art's wasn't bad, just not as smooth and natural sounding. Both concepts were on the same level on face value, but given all pageantry and tip-toeing Addy had regarding transitions and tense changes and character changes, that execution rating sky rocketed due to the degree of difficulty. Simply put, Adverse wrote a motherfucker of a verse where Art wrote a very good one.


v/Adverse

[Mr. J]

Art, Your verse was nicely crafted as I finished the read
sometimes the wording felt weird & you had lines you didn't need
the make out point idea for example...I felt like I was in a vintage film
aside from those few stumbles there wasn't another line I didn't feel.
you put together a decent idea that fit the mold of the topic.
you place the proper wording together & control the flow & rock it.
I cant enjoy the whole romance approach though...seems too easy.
but you pull it off & I really appreciate the read b...

Ad, I enjoyed what you were able to bring to the table.
my issue was the quick transitioning you used as your main character came through...
plus the usage of CPR after being in such a terrible wreck?
although that bothered me you used some great variables next
you set up the scene quite nicely at the start, your choice of footwear was lulz
your use of wording helped the flow of your piece & gave it a pulse.
I felt you could have cut a few lines from the first third of your verse.
a little polishing would help & a bit of rewording would have worked...
regardless you hit me in the feels with that ending & that twist.
I felt like I have seen you do this before...maybe not...


v/Well this lived up to expectation as far as Champ matches go
Art came correct with a story & Ad held it down with a rampant flow.
Ads piece had an interesting story weaved around father & daughter
I didnt understand the seating arrangement for this unfortunate slaughter.
regardless I felt like you handled yourself quite well with this drop.
Art on the other hand had his fair share of stumbles that made his work odd.
the use of himself twice threw off your consistent use of wording.
giving up her seat would sound better to me, but I see how the rhymes working.
make out point just felt weird to me, but I did like the use of pizzeria
I think Im going to have to give it to Artifice because he really pleased this reader
v/Artifice

[Frank]

Artifice
Ferris Buellers 30th anniversary is this year. Your Verse came off like Saved by the bell to me. Very cheesy and dated like a 20 year old Wisconsin cheddar. Satisfying cheese, though extra corny like a 1940's drive through movie. I could almost puke it was so palatable. Nice job kid. I can tell your a suburbanite.

Adverse
Went from describing a lovey dovey moment to detailing a car crash death in 60 seconds flat. Pace was on turbo. Needed more breathing room. Before I wrote this vote I read your post practically giving up. Well, if that's the case.

Voting Artifice.

Adverse had my vote but sold himself short in the chat and predictions thread

[asylum]

Artifice – welel this was a great story. I really enjoyed your lighthearted, happy, heartwarming tale. Nice work art.
Adverse – you had me until “an maroon corvette” bro. MAROON ISN’T RED. Anyway, excuse that outburst. Wow this story gave me tingles bro. so fucking tragic.
/v adverse took this with a more emotional piece. He tried to shoot himself in the foot and admitted defeat, but little did he know.. he’s better than he think she is. Art came a little short, his piece didn’t feel as complete as his opponents. Adverse’s subject matter gave him the win in my eyes, even if it capitalized off shock value.. he did it with what felt like an honest story. This was a hard vote for me, but I really think Adverse took this. Great battle.