Week 11 Contender Match: Timeless vs Razah [RAZAH 6-1]

[asylum]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due MONDAY 5/16 11:59 PST

Voting ends WEDNESDAY 5/18 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic:
http://i1315.photobucket.com/albums/t582/patrown/gravity-needle_zps2vjll9mv.jpg (http://s1315.photobucket.com/user/patrown/media/gravity-needle_zps2vjll9mv.jpg.html)

Good luck to both participants.
timeless (7-2) Razah (5-3)

[Razah]

Stressed out, chain smoking- So it's raspy when I talk
But nobody listens, I'm only grasping at these straws
The dark side's entertained by the havoc that I draw
& the lunatic in me wants it wrapped around the walls
Too tragic of a fall, I became in touch with the violence
Lost in the moment, I snapped, I was in lust with the silence
Which was shattered by screams, I had rage on a platter
& the splatter of blood left me a taste for disaster
I crave to be captured like thoughts I currently conquered
The longer they sit the darker they get & encourage the monster
I caught a glimpse of my old self, usually loving life
Until I dreamt of death when I slept to lunacy's lullaby
I remember the purity, a bright light so little & small
The autumn colored leaves must've been what triggered the fall
A natural cycle- With death, what I found was my sanity
A soul that was heavy & tortured is no longer bounded by gravity

[timeless]

Wind talks with a sour tone, dying to accept a last breath.
Borrowed views away from home with only an epitaph left.
Demoted to the ground, boxed in and forgotten quickly.
Fears of dying alone even when my neighbors are rotting with me.
Bear trap snaps echo the hallways of the wounded mind.
Usual decline, snare flashbacks downslope yet soon to climb.
Caught hair strapped back, stressing out follicles for fun.
Over reactive denial, files kept with each mile's proof you run.
Tame with contingencies, being lost is optional for some.
Same old deficiencies, seeing lost so my monocles are done.
Hung from a jury of your peers as your treble lose sight.
Been worrying for years of how to dance under the devil's loose skies.
Measure eyes for focus, golden iris with no sight in private.
Token pirates treasure stolen sidekicks, hold tight on my ship.
Lights cameras action with full incentive to lose traction.
Who's asking the boat to take water with a new captain?
Makeup covered face, clown status worth a whole town's habits.
Gasses clouded, pouting, pacing the room with proud fascists.
Traffic loud passing the establishment of hope to bring you down.
Crashing airwaves, technology spared broken simple sounds.
Bottom cracked, bottles cracked with contact on the surface.
Motto lacked a motto intact, so you react when you're nervous.
Words get tossed around from mouth to mouth on cue.
Tangled grapevines bring worrisome faces to cloud your view.

[Mr. J]

Razah, the vivid detail is usually what carries your work
the small spurts of lyrical content are the foundation of your verse.
the vibe I was getting off of this was different from your usual lines
it seems like you crafted this with timid touches, oh your beautiful mind.
the start of the verse is what really sets the tone for the end.
the small details are very thought provoking once read upon again.
there isnt much else I could say....this is a flawless verse from you...
nice work....

time, your ability to play with the abstract is commendable
when you first started you were wily, now you are more sensible.
your word choices & ability to keep your flow restricted is dope
it seems like this is 4 pieces in one because the differences show.
the miles proof line felt like an odd concept to me & it hurt you.
monocles are for one eye, bifocals would have worked full circle.
the lose sight section suffered from trying to keep a constant rhyme
perhaps you were trying to hard & this all just came of awkward right..?
perhaps you wanted to focus on the monocular with your pirate eyes
reading through it again it makes sense upon first read youd need a private eye...
ya know...either way I feel that section had suffered the most
regardless I enjoyed the idea at first but it suffers when under the scope...

v/Razah, I thought Razah brought a stronger concept this time around
his flow was flawless & the route he took with his rhyming...wow...
timeless has been going more abstract as of late & its worked so far.
but I feel he went off the deep end after I had to pick his verse apart.
I understand the general idea but it didnt really mesh with the topic well
the foundation of his verse was cool but then his concepts fell...flat...
Im giving this one to Razah for being more thorough...
thats all I gotta say about that...

[Adonis]

Time - I like that opening line, it's fairly creative, and though I think the original intention was a bit lost in translation, a witty way to word non the less. All in all, I honestly am lost regarding the angle you took. It was all too vague and not concise enough for me to fully grasp the concept. Too open ended book in my view I guess, lacked a bit of focus and key lines enabling and helping me to piece it together.

AZ - Conceptually cool, but you really needed to lengthen the verse by building on that closer and making it more impactful, I do enjoy brevity though. Solid flow, concise multis and nothing stuck out as rhyming for the sake of rhyming, which is big in my book. A tortured soul filled with evil thoughts finally resting in peace, I like the minor twist on something done a million times before, thus, giving it a bit of an edge.


v/ Razah

Stronger degree of difficulty on flow and better execution of concept/ easier to follow

[asylum]

Razah – man this piece was pretty dope, great topical. Smooth flow, brief but enjoyable. I’m not really sure what happened, but I think there was a storyline.. dope piece tho. Your strongest point was definitely near the middle of your verse.
Timeless- man this piece was really dope but it was all over the place.. lots of dope smooth rhymes, piece read great! Great utilization of assonance and inners. Nice read.
/v razah stuck to his tone a little more, I felt his piece was a bit more cohesive as a result.

[UnbornBuddha]

I thought both pieces were good in their own way. Razah went more reader friendly mostly because of his approach. Timeless had noteworthy lines and for the most part flowed well and as others said abstract. I didn't really see a linearity to Timeless approach, however I did noticed a pattern. Each line was like a series of images or events where things were awry and crumbled, there was no sequential basis, but did have a coincidental causation to each of the images.
Razah on the otherhand, wrote simply, and did not seek to go over the top with his approach or line limits. There were some questionable statements "lust with the silence" doesn't sound too logical. I get what your trying to convey, but the actual sexual sentiment/ feeling, does not mesh well together with that which is a sensory experience of the ear, lust is a feeling of the sexual or heart organ. Desire would have been a better word. Lust has specific implications, desire has broader polysemic implications.

Vote: Razah

[Adverse]

Both pieces were dope first of all.
Razah, your verse wasn't too complex but it didn't have to be, way to stick to your topic though out and for giving us all a nice clear picture all the way through and through, honestly your piece reminds me of a verse I'd write myself, it seemed very suitable for audio too. I enjoyed it throughly.

Time, I digg your verses my dude. I think you were a little too ambitious on this one and it never really came to fruition, it wasn't bad though but I think the wording hurt you and made it read quite weird sometimes, the monocle line sticks out as an example of that. I love your imagery though, that wind talks in a sour tone line to start was nice.

Overall I'll go with the consensus and pick Razah, he had as more clear cut product and nice tone and flow throughout

V/Razah

[Frank]

`Razah, Brief synapses with a overtly refractory glimpse into the 16bar snapshot of brevity. Twas' a more encompassing excerpt, less gimmicky than you can sometimes be. 16 lines is for the incompetent reader and is a product of laziest, espesically for someone who claims to type over 100 wpm. Shame on you wasting such typing potential. Put those vibrant fingers to the test and write 48 lines nigga. Anything over 20 really. I am just bias against this shallow form of expressing oneself. 16 bars isn't the custom, nor is it cool in the gang. Time to expand your boundaries and step out of your comfort zone. I will not cast a vote for a 16 bar verse unless it is exceptionally short, with cut to the chase commas and less is more metaphorical overview. As it stands, this vote is about the same word count as your verse. Lol. Looking back, I did like
Until I dreamt of death when I slept to lunacy's lullaby

Timeless, Dope shit last week, Mordacyi. You are probably penning your best work as of late. About time. That 1-0 start was no fluke. You got the gusto. Very abstract writing. Lots of quotables
Bear trap snaps echo the hallways of the wounded mind.
Measure eyes for focus, golden iris with no sight in private.
Token pirates treasure stolen sidekicks, hold tight on my ship.
Well done. Season is far from over, but at this current space in time I would give you the Nod for Most Improved Writer. Joy watching you evolve.

Decision. It is a competition of depiction. I couldn't sense a definitive correlation to the topic from timeless, though he had better verse, imo.
MVGT- Razah.

[Inno]

Hmm wierd you both went with the same angle.

Timeless

I feel likw you had more crisp verse. I dunno it just read a bit smoother and progessed nicely through out the whols verse. I do see how you went a little left at times with the topic but we can leave that up to interpretation lol. This a dope verse and i enjoy it very much.


Razah.

The stop and go feel to your verse I enjoyed. The pauses make for a great effect when used right. You did it justice. Although i gott say man the cadance you hac goimg made me feel like you could of just kept writing right off the page lol. Loved the vibe your verse had and you stuck to the topic a bit better.


Overall

I got timeless. I think he took some chances wity his verse that payedd off in the end for him. Razah had a dope verse aswell but i felt like timeless gave me a bit more content for me to chew on. Nice battle folk