PDA

View Full Version : Week 11: Frank vs Mr. J [TIE]


asylum
05-13-2016, 05:54 AM
http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due MONDAY 5/16 11:59 PST

Voting ends WEDNESDAY 5/18 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic:
http://i1315.photobucket.com/albums/t582/patrown/drivebg1-1_zpserpm73ek.jpg (http://s1315.photobucket.com/user/patrown/media/drivebg1-1_zpserpm73ek.jpg.html)

Good luck to both participants.
Frank (6-4) Mr. J (6-4)

Mr. J
05-17-2016, 07:13 PM
His memories of her, justify the risks he'd take.
ensuring his liability before he left his 6 by 8.
whatever he did, he paid. Her smile was his get away.
good & bad always result in conflicts of change.
same shit, different day; the stress weighs heavy.
handshakes & promises can cause less strain...
when he's free, the debt either gets paid steady...
or he loses it all...cruel fact is death claims many.
the standard definition of who he becomes advances from there..
if he can live long enough...he'll learn second chances are rare.

Eventually the weight of the absence is too much
most would choose to fill what was left with new love.
balance needs to be kept before her senses blew up.
she was strong, she needed to be for the next few months...
At night she would admire the resemblance in his stature
A smile stretched across her face in a affectionate manner.
A reminder...through each of the impressions he captured.
She never believed someone else would have left her enamored...
but it happened...as the steam left where her hoods scorching
she understood the meaning of serendipity & praised her good fortune.

Recognizing his faults he grew wiser each day.
He had a child to raise & wanted to change despite each claim.
the drive inside of him validated the sacrifices he made
the inability to earn had urged him to try crime sprees, raids.
which resulted in his incarceration which he was freed from
rivalries inside was something that was hard to flee from.
once he gained freedom he knew he had to cover lost wages
realizing his faults again thats when the whole cost changes.
his survival was insured & now he put his faith in this odd stranger...
one his wife & son told him about...a stuntman for car chasers..

Observing this new acquaintance from a distance.
he agreed on helping his friends companion to resolve the difference.
Their job required a heist, one job to call off these henchmen.
his anger was fueled by a threat that he found no sense in...
a threat that put 3 lives at risk over an obligation when Standard was imprisoned
he was comforted by his skill behind the wheel & the results of his mission...
the driver would have never guessed the unsportsmanlike needs
everything fell flat, a double cross...there is no torrent like greed....

Heroes are crafted by their own choices in life
they are lead by their heart or the voices inside.
whether it be a father fighting to change his life.
a mother doing her best whenever problems arise...
or a new-found friend...who is just trying to do right...
each have their own trials that run their own course...
in the end
Some heroes are molded while others are born.

Frank
05-18-2016, 05:12 AM
http://i1315.photobucket.com/albums/t582/patrown/drivebg1-1_zpserpm73ek.jpg

Randy won the company’s top performance award for the showmanship of his businesses;
He had won thousands of dollars in bonuses and began boasting with grandiose belittlement
“My stock options have doubled” He said disclosing his dividends, to his co-workers who were broke with embitterment.
"My portfolio has attributed to my six figure growth, in which, my bank roll would grow significant,
swollen enrichment, global, binomial increments"
Randy rose through imposing positions of his financial firm with gross envisionment
His financial endowment allowed him the grown precedents of bestowed benefits,
over women with, eloping indifference, "just some rich old bigamous"
Luxury hotel visiting the balcony in his robe, ribbon less, wind blowing smoke from a Marlboro cigarette lit from one of his devoted mistresses
Hedge fun intern. Voluptuous exposed exhibitionist, big breasted, ulterior motives, deliciousness
Serenading saxophone and timpanist perform in the room as we dance close and rhythm less to a monotone instrument
Golden condom in a brown leather wallet
"how old is this?" squishing it, she unfolds the magnificent
Whispering in his earlobe' sultry slow stimulus: Moaning meticulous. Red roses - distributed
Veins varicose, in pantyhose, the princess strokes his ego with consoling envigorment
She knows he only owns that car because he’s compensated for what he knows he’s limited with.
Arousing, she guides his fingers over her glowing clitoris, her vaginal canal flows deliverant
Fellatio contorted his spaced toes, twisted, twitching intricate: Eyes rolling ridiculous
Cycloning through the room' knocking over lamps, light bulbs exploding with filaments
Trying to pulls away, but she controls him, throwing herself against him, holding him intimate
Voguing with innocence; teasing him, stripping off all her clothes: loathing her ligaments
Her assets froze, when he told her how much he’s worth, she froze, felicitous, mouth open, ambiguous
Broken English spoken to this immigrant, who, has no clue he’s loaded and living it
Goddesses figure from an unknown remote village, bodacious = jaw dropping, eyes scrolling, solicitous
Voice exotic, doe, indigenous. His tone condescending' making her the most precipitant
Rich, warming up to you like a stove getting lit. Pheromones intense to the nose: Irritant
Through his cologne, she got a whiff of his money, an odor, thick with inky, pistachio equivalence
Boxes of Dominoes delivered with, 2 liter bottles of coke, he gulped, sniffing coke and ritalin
The cocktail chased with dope and liquor - finds Randy in an undiagnosed predicament
The girl cuts up a clove and he chews the clove, militant, like it was prescribed by a chosen nutritionist
She winds her body back and forth with the motion of a hypnotist, the poor bloke is dissonant,
Block in his blood flow, the dick gets limp, as the prostitute gropes the polygamist
Rodeo vixen, dripping, honeycomb… provocative, bonering images
The toll of his cigarettes: carcinogens, closing, restricted
Unloosing his tie, back home on his patio, reminiscent
a brisk stroll offering total resistance, E.Q explodingly rigorous
With loads of discipline and goals implemented, his imminent stiffy would return to its known infamous
Inarticulate, the foreign woman enters his humble abode with privileges
Like a oaf he proposes to her chivalrous, doltishly discriminate
On, one knee, joking, legitimate; ode to the mischievous
Now a local citizen, his Wife unfolds the morning newspaper reading him the horoscope, uninterested
“The hard facts about the soft truth”
A long road to blissfulness
Popping another Cialias pill, it was the dosage that did him in
The tale about how one mans sex drive almost drove him to impotence

UnbornBuddha
05-18-2016, 09:43 PM
Mr J: The connection between some stanzas and others differs in its transition, some coalesce nicely while others the transition is more murky. Also there were quite a few elements that were unclear. I think the 4th stanza to me is a bit muddled and introduces elements that were never really depicted beforehand. Who is his friend's companion, before this there were only 3 characters that were spoken of, the guy that was imprisoned, his wife and child, as well as the acquaintance. I thought that stanza could have been stronger, so as to facilitate and smooth the story along. Also the job at the end was told very hastily and made it seem quite unimpactful.
I really liked the ending though, it was good. It's the kind of thing that etches into your mind.

Frank: One thing to say is that whatever rhyme you choose to continue for the rest of the narrative sometimes makes or breaks the actual narrative. Mostly because if the scheme is not good then it makes the whole story kind of unappealing. But, this scheme I liked. Glowing clitoris, lol, really? I do find there is an over usage of adjectives, and sometimes you end the line with an adjective and makes the sentence feel incomplete. There were some problematic aspects to the wording, but the imagery and the narrative was quite vivid and kept my interest. It was also quite humorous, in its own quirky way.

Vote: Frank (I think his ambition here and the details involved bested J)

asylum
05-19-2016, 02:07 AM
Mr. J – man this piece was dope bro it’s nice to see you in full form. Flow was off the charts, story on point. Good character development woven throughout, I didn’t pause once to sip on my beer or nothing. Very entertaining piece. You carried some rhymes effortlessly too.

Frank – this started a little rough for me but I started getting into it just before halfway thru. I was lost for a little while, but I’m pretty sure dude can’t get it up anymore and possibly died from a health complication as a result of his boner pills? not really sure what was going on but it was dope and I enjoyed the middle of your piece especially.

/v mr j , his layout made it easy to pick up his intended flow and I enjoyed his piece more as a result.

Artifice
05-19-2016, 04:56 PM
Mr J

I didn't totally get it. I was following the story up until the fourth section (i think) and then I got lost. Not sure if this is in any way related to the actual movie (which I haven't seen) or not, but I'm missing something. In terms of mechanics, this is cool, you play with some different schemes which is nice to read, and other than where I get lost, your narrative moves pretty nicely. I think the first section is the strongest, personally.


Frank

Cool piece here. A few spots that are worded awkwardly but that usually happens when you carry the same syllable scheme for so long. this was a better showing (IMO) than your last few verses... some witty bits mixed with a good use of vocab to illustrate the scene you're describing...


overall I got Frank taking this with something I got a little bit more out of...

v/ Frank