Week 11: Asylum vs Witty [WITTY 6-1 ADJUSTED 2-1 WIITY]

[asylum]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due MONDAY 5/16 11:59 PST

Voting ends WEDNESDAY 5/18 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic:
http://i1315.photobucket.com/albums/t582/patrown/madmax_zps8wvtqnb0.jpg (http://s1315.photobucket.com/user/patrown/media/madmax_zps8wvtqnb0.jpg.html)

Good luck to both participants.
asylum (5-4) vs Witty (0-1)

[asylum]

The Crow saw the buckshot rip into the street sign, warming up his feet time,
even creatures adapt to gunfire in this cold desert scene of mine.
All in a scheme to maintain a lifestyle we maintain dreamily,
This oasis in the deserts the last scenery seen by so many deceased.
We maintain secrecy, simply follow birds of prey to where the fallen lay,
they’re open wings signal spoils of wars laying in wait, ours to take.
Dig through soiled clothes and maimed bodies,
lost any sense of shame, oddly. That was long in the past.
Sometimes when I dig through empty pockets I laugh, no wonder they passed.
Some pray it will pass.. yet we know there’s no escape from the yellow gas,
it bellows fast from stacks with industrial privilege,
pay the toll until the cost reaches peaks of combustible limits.
Yet most fellows don’t last once you cast out the weak, watch em tragically bleed.
freezing in the elements and cold, lost souls are crows caws carried on a magical breeze,
their call grows adept and adapts to challenge extensive holes in the plot,
lasting in the noxious fumes, opening gateways lost inside toxic thoughts.

[Witty]

Depression: A Western.

The sun climbs the morning sky, scoarching the fettered land
By lunch time it's casting rays like a torch in the desert sand
Mirages - distorted views, contorted but never bland
As a bullet enters the chamber from the force of a weathered hand
Leather-like skin, wrinkled brow, eyes which never blink
A mind which spent it's life thinking what minds must never think
A killer - an outlaw, a battle hardened saddle sargeant
The Cowboy - watching whatever way the cattle charge in
The strife of a gun slinger, ending life with just one finger
Pull the trigger and -boom-, that fat lady is some singer
His vagrant eyes, gaze, vacant, upon baking skies
He lived a life of blatant lies, now he's patient as his fate arrives
Fate contrived to tame a killer, now he waits to die
He pictures them all, his victims, the big and the small
The old and the young, short and the wide, thin and the tall
He envisions the bullet hit, and he pictures them fall
If only he could choose again, a new path away from the pain
But he can't forgot those who died, each face will remain
The decay in his brain will stay 'til he meets Satan in flames
Now he's done with reallocating or displacing the blame
He stares at a lonely Raven, like he'll never see a Raven again
'Use those wings to fly, to a fresh and hopeful town
Leave me here to rot away, my flesh has broken down
Soar to the horizon, find some love within to dwell
Leave me here to die, in this unforgiving hell'

He told all his victims, if they're afraid, they can run
But death comes to all - there's No Escape from the gun
So he lifts his Smith & Wesson, now full to the brim
Because this old and weary gun slinger...saved his last bullet
...For him.

[Mr. J]

Asylum, I thought your piece was brought together nicely
I like the flow of the piece as you craft such a nice scene...
my issue with it didn't come until the end when you used magical..
tragically bleed sounds weird too, up until then you had the advantage too.
you pull the reader into the topic at hand & craft a smooth read.
when you kept saying *we* I figured it was you & the crow, a cool team.
the desolation felt real but I would have enjoyed a more thorough view
regardless nice work here & around the forum too..

Witty, I thought this was a cool piece, Stephen King-ish
some parts were redundant & hurt you, a profound linguist.
I enjoyed the use of fetter but I dont think it played well here.
some mishaps in spelling threw me off though the message felt clear
the multi usage was cool but I lold at battle hardened saddle sergeant
aside from that it took the attention away from how it vaguely started
thin & the tall felt like a weird wording for the sake of syllable count
but you do paint a vivid picture & the ending helps stake its route...
I would have enjoyed more character development though...
why is he this way? what is that truly envelops his soul?
why did he save the bullet for himself after all the lives hes taken?
ambiguity works for most stories but this one is quite....vacant?

v/asylum, I felt that he delivered a thorough representation
Witty came with some strong descriptions & crept towards greatness
but with an abundance of misspelling & redundant focuses it felt forced
after being such a despicable character what would he kill himself for...
I dont know...but he stares at a Raven like he will never see a Raven?
I understand what you tried to say but that was just an odd statement...
asylum had kept a strong stride throughout his piece up until tragically bleed
otherwise he was consistent & won me over with his radical theme....


nice work homebruhs

[Artifice]

Asylum

Cool piece here. Like how you took the topic in a different direction, while still tying all the elements of the picture into your take. Nice. Flow was pretty smooth, sprinkled with some cool imagery thoughout.

We maintain secrecy, simply follow birds of prey to where the fallen lay,
they’re open wings signal spoils of wars laying in wait, ours to take.

That couplet there stood out to me. Nice multis, narrative works to build your plot and ties in the imagery you've laid out. Solid.


Witty

Damn. This piece was fire. Flow was on point, schemes were well flushed out, read real smooth. I dug the story, a killer reflecting on his past, his environment helping to tell the tale. Coming to terms with his actions, and the way you set up the ending was excellent.


This is a close battle, possibly botw, but I got Witty edging it. I feel like his verse just had that little something extra that stands out to me. Hope you continue to stay in the league.

v/ Witty

[UnbornBuddha]

Asylum: Did you think he was not going to show? Some of the wording read clunky, to me, and reads differently than the typical Asylum piece, which is more succinct and delivered more meticulous. That said, mid-stanza I think there was a shift that made the rest of the verse smoother and cohesive. I liked the take but felt you could have done much more especially against Witty.

Witty: Everything read smoothly and clearly. It was also very direct, there was nothing that wowed me. In a way it was an easy approach for you, didn't take too much of a risk. Nevertheless, it was a success in the sense of its execution, but the overall story felt very typical. I do like how you ended it though, especially how you worded it, it was a cool mechanic. Sometimes the ending is one of the most vital aspects and you executed quite skillfully.

Vote: Witty

[Razah]

Asylum, I feel a little iffy about certain rhyme schemes you used. Some were really dope, some felt out of place.

Sometimes when I dig through empty pockets I laugh, no wonder they passed.
Some pray it will pass.. yet we know there’s no escape from the yellow gas,

That part was flowing so smooth until it got to the end rhyme. You don't always need a multi to keep the flow smooth, but the location (the note the rhyme words land on) felt off. Also, not a fan of how you ended. Plot / Thought doesn't rhyme to me at all, I would expect that kind of rhyme from Baron / MMLP or something, but yeahhh.. threw me off. Other wise, a solid verse.

Witty, very solid opening.

The sun climbs the morning sky, scoarching the fettered land
By lunch time it's casting rays like a torch in the desert sand
Mirages - distorted views, contorted but never bland
As a bullet enters the chamber from the force of a weathered hand

Besides the spelling error, this was very smooth. I also liked the fat lady line, kinda' wish you would've kept that scheme going but still, a simple but nice touch. The twist at the end was pretty cool, overall, an enjoyable verse.

I liked Witty's verse a lot more than Asylum's verse. I think he edged him on everything, concept, flow, wording.. Good shit from both but Witty had the better verse in my eyes.

vWitty

[Adonis]

Pat - For starters, the first bar is very nursery rhyme esque, this is not a good thing. "Freezing in the elements and cold" is redundant too. Your flow picked up in the bottom half if the verse, but we've all seen you try and come correct, this was not one of those times.

Wittness - You grew a tad cliche in the end but the verse flowed well, especially the beginning half before you hit your groove. Great description bro. I liked the fat lady singer line, I thought you worded that well. Overall, solid read, no real complaints.


v/witty

Better mechanics and description

[Frank]

(editing vote)

[Inno]

Asylum

Dope piece when it got started. You stumbled a bit for me in the beginning. Also i might be wrong but dreamily is not a word. If so its awkward and misplaced in your scheme. It read wierd. Found a couple of lines like that through out. But i feel like your opening didnt allow me to really get into your piece like i should of. Still a cool read bro.


Witty

Finally you show lol. Man this was cool. The diction and that flow that carries the story from line to line. You have knack for poetic vibes without necessarily crossing that line from verse to poem. You have uber amounts of depth in your writing is what um trying to say. This was beautifully woven within its dictions flow. Smooth read through out.


Overall.

I got witty simply because for me his verse was more consistent from start to finish edging put asylums effort. Dope battle.

[Adverse]

Asylum didn't have a bad showing but the rhyme schemes and imagery in witty's piece sort of stole the show here in my book. I liked asylum's piece but the story progression was very slow and I was left feeling unsatisfied. The finished product wasn't anything eye popping but I think Witty did a great job tieing everything together and like I said the scenary he painted won me over so I'll give this battle to him, good job guys!

V/Witty