Week 12: Asylum vs. Mr. J [MR. J 3-2]

[Adonis]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due MONDAY 5/23 (ext. 5/24) 11:59 PST

Voting ends WEDNESDAY 5/2511:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic: Located HERE (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=123804)



G/Luck asylum Mr. J

[Mr. J]

Sour milk & a wobbly table. check this oddly tale.
if the drink tips. the king is upset & everybody fails.
a feisty feline with anger issues & special spot in hell...
of course, this is before we meet Birdy in our first chapter
hes either a hallucination brought on in the worst manner.
a strong mixture of elixirs bought in the 63rd tavern.
regardless, Birdy only told the truth after a few beers.
the sudden joy brought on by your expression will produce tears
This guy is a nut! how ironically cliche of you...yea
Birdy is an odd bloke that could easily leave you frazzled
when he moved he staggered when he spoke hed jabber
he was unique in mannerism every thought an upward battle.
his tongue tripped & he babbled but left an impression.
we best get to stepping as you struggle to get collected.
a splash, a quick dip it beckons, come get refreshment...
you could write it in neon lighting & attract the insects.
our squirrel continues on his journey for a way back, instead...
out of the frying pan and into the fire, smash an egg hard-boiled.
the power within is strong enough to knock down a gargoyle.
You must be nuts. Heheh a frying pan. smile & wave boys
the bigger they are, the smaller the brain. the higher the ranged voice.
whatever they bare in tone they all seem to share the same noise.
as the giant falls he meets the ground with a loud crash...
Our protagonist begins to gain control & slowly bounce back.
with the right amount of sugar he regains his energy.
which is for the best when who he meets next unexpectedly
is a Queen bee whose crying about a hive she lost...
so its about time he fought to earn a couple extra dollars

by the time the commercial ends you realize Pixar picked up Conker.
the title of the film is a twist on wordplay...
a movie about a video-game entitled Bad Fur Day

[asylum]

As you’re driving to work, suddenly all traffic comes to a stop just as you hear,
sirens and screams, feet trampling friends and neighbors under foot as they fled in fear.
I opened the door to my car, leapt onto shaky ground and shook at the quake’s sound,
asphalt pelted us as we ran through the streets of New York towards safe ground.
There were sinkholes opening turning into rifts in the Earth, claiming life as they merged,
as I leapt over an abysmal chasm I heard men begging for their mothers as they burned.
When the infernos tongue lashed out, a slight kiss left my rubber boots stuck to both feet,
I ripped them off so fast a finger broke caught in my laces as I screamed.
I knew this wasn’t the end of me. I was just on the way home to pick up my son,
his schools only a few blocks away from the gash in the Earth burning like the fires of the sun,
asphalt rain turned to burning iron that hissed liked thermite and melted everything it touched,
cars were turning to puddles we had to avoid as we rushed, they followed me towards his school,
I found my boy within an instant and everyone followed me, obviously.. I’m not a fool.
We all stopped at a pool of water and drank until we couldn’t drink another drop.
I couldn’t think a whole lot, started to sink into my thoughts.. shellshocked.
It’s too much to bear at once. The world’s tearing at the seams and I’m on the front,
Confronting the end of days with my son by my side, awoke from a daydream.
He handed me my gun, and with pride we stepped into an armored truck waiting,
I never gave an alarming fuck. Now it’s my time to Buck 65 fools at once.
50 cal mounted to the top, making zombies drop. Front mounted propeller chops,
catch the laggers on the sides and stragglers with a spier.
We stroll through streets and alleys 'til it's safe to can an all clear.
Rescue those left from their home, keeping an eye on their tone.
The undead moan and claw at the doors,
their hands reach through wrought iron fences,
deeply seated in a strong foundation we poured.
behind the defensive space extends an extensive oasis,
fresh water fountains trickle while frogs chirp happily in their places.
It's the image we've extended since the apocalypse hit,
get robbed for your shit or ripped to pieces by mobs of goblins that hobble and hiss.

[Artifice]

Okay, I had to look up the name Conker cuz it didn't ring a bell to me, and now Mr. J's verse makes perfect sense. I assumed on my first read there was a reference I didn't know, and Conker was it.

Cool verse here J. While from a technical standpoint it's not your strongest piece, you deliver the goods in flipping your topic. A couple slant rhymes that read like a bit of a stretch to me, and a couple places with single syllable rhymes where I think you could've probably reworded to increase the rhyme without sacrificing content.

Asylum, this was alright. It felt kind of rushed though tbh. The flow feels stretched in a couple of places, and the way you transition from the earthquake/chasm plot to the zombie plot feels a little jolting. Like we just jumped from one plot developing to a completely different plot developing. In the end you tied them together with the apocalypse but it just felt like it could have been more flushed out.

With a more well-rounded verse imo, Mr. J takes this one.

v/ Mr. J

[Razah]

Decent battle. I've seen better from both, especially asylum.

Asylum is pretty hit or miss to me. Sometimes I'll read a verse from you & be impressed, because it's a notch or two higher than your usual writing. This time around, it felt kind of blah homie. The take on the topic was okay, the wording was a little too wordy, stretched, just didn't have that smoothness to it. Sometimes it could be the topics we have, or the little amount of time we have to put a verse together - Also, I think it was you that said you had the flu or something. That sucks bruh, at least you showed. If that was you, appreciate ya' taking one for the team. Decent verse though, I expect more fire from you!

Mr. J, not your best shit ever. It was cool though, I liked the squirrel reference. If I remember right, that character was in some diddy kong racing game. Anyways, I honestly laughed with that "hehehe" bar. It wasn't even funny, I just felt like putting "heheheh" in your bar, made it funny. If I didn't remember "Conker", this would've just been some story you created. But, I'm glad you can draw inspiration from something like that & make a decent verse out of it.

Once again, not the best verses from these guys, but both were decent drops, although I felt Asylum's was a bit too wordy for my liking and Mr. J's just read better. Thanks for the read guys.

vMr. J

[Adonis]

Jay - Opener should be one of your best lines and saying "EVERYONE fails" is just too vague, to be fair this may tie into the whole but I haven't got that far yet. You also said "he's either" but I think you missed the "or" in the following line or simply forgot to list number two. Liked the finish product, on second read I noticed "oddly tale" and feel oddly is the wrong tense of the word in your sentence. I think you had a grand idea, and that idea is a dope concept, but I think the idea was too big for this shortish piece. Conceptually this has crazy potential and I wish it were fleshed out further because in the grand scheme of things your execution simply lacked. Decent verse that is over shadowed by a great concept that stumbled do the brevity.

Pat - I love what you did with giving the inferno lips, causing the embers, or the like, to melt your boots to the floor. Dope imagery and wording. I think you got lost or pivoted half way through and changed the verse off. There are many holes in the story. Cars melting which is heavy duty steel, yet people are running around. Started with a hole in earth and quickly went to zombies. You also had a lot of awkward sentences, either missing a coma or something.... IDK, not really feeling this one, though it had it's bright spots. You tell really good fast paced stories though, I feel like that might be your specialty and 'go-to' when you quick write something.


v/mr. J

He may not have wrote the more entertaining verse, but execution and conceptually and flow wise I enjoyed his more so....

[Inno]

Mr j

I wont liw to you and say i know the reference. On to the vote, this wad dope man, every line was exciting lol thats the best i can describe it. You pianted a very elaborate and calculated picture. Hour rhyming was pretty cool i like how you can make a verse or lets say one or two lines seem so casual. I love that about your writing.

Asylum

Very descriptive piece here, I enjoyed the whole verse. The way you detailed every line was dope man you immersed me that world crumbling down. Dope take on the topic. Kind of expected given the quote but you did it justice broseph. loved how it picked up the pace around the secound half of the verse. Dope shit bro


Overall

I got asylum with a more attractive verse that i wnjoyed just a bit more. Mr j was dope and he dropped a very creative idea. I just felt asylums rake on hos topic. Dope battle fellas

[2tripple0]

Interesting take to y'all topics I felt mechanically strong on both sides even though people had problems with some of the holes in your plots and in Mr. J's case character development but overall I think asylum had the verse that was closer to a finished product but I realize this battle was tight and I bet both writers feel they could have come doper

Anyways I like your stories and would just recommend that you stick to your lines and just throw out any unnecessary flow that keeps you farther from your original piece in other words I understand that people feel inners and multies but don't stray far from the subject and the way asylum did that by being the more fruitful piece