Round One: Asylum vs. Reserve: NYCSPITZ (ASYLUM WINS 3-2)

[Adonis]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due MONDAY 6/13 (ext. 6/14) at 11:59 PST

Voting ends WEDNESDAY 6/16 at 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.



Topic: victoria out more: Victory or death!


asylum - one vote last week
adonis - thank you for voting
NYCSPITZ - zero votes last week

[asylum]

It came rushing like a wave in flood plains, sudden and wet,
Small streams trickled past us as we marched into the sunset.
That’s all the warning we had before it started pouring in fast,
I could heard the air displacing as it sucked and gurgled, gushing past.
From far away across the battlefield, through thickets, bushes and trees,
I saw white picket fences tumbling and crashing, being pushed by a tsunami.
I took in the sight calmly, small mushroom clouds caressing the sky. Suggesting I’d die,
Dams broken blessed us with tides that reached up to the skies,
Seagulls beat their wings as they cried out over a landlocked city where the battle started,
Now we’re fighting against increasingly small margins, need to paddle farther.
I took a view of the hull, realized I was in bed with the enemy.
He caught my glance and gave me a nod, signing a debt that wasn’t exactly friendly.
The pictures on his helmet flew off and got stuck to my cheek, such a resemblance,
I gasped in remembrance of the world that we knew, got choked up for a second,
Before I could speak his hand reaching poked me in the eye, grasped the k-bar swiftly,
Stabbed into his ear and starting twisting,
As we sent him off into the sea my last piece of humanity started drifting.

[NYCSPITZ]

Sun rays drown the rolling hills as sunrays creep on our eyes
An army of kleos, coiled - extolling slaughter as the meaning of life
creed of the wise, step back 'n feel the force of the heat in his eyes
The outnumbered general, calm in his tent planning the heathen demise.
enemy cavalry was fast...and yet they could be slowed down how?
none the matter - all of the fools were on low ground now
using night's cloak, they set up for slaying cowards galore
Three thousand strong, overpowering eighty thousand or more
a Roman unit, many left family discreetly ignored -
...some men are only redeemed by the meaning of war
death in battle - the highest death a man could hope to obtain
Soldiers ready. Soldiers thirsting for blood and soldiers deranged
The roman general raised his arm, flashing the most secret of codes
...and flamed arrows rained death upon the heathens below
They were a people of mercy, no need to be recklessly violent.
As the first arrows landed a lookout screamed, breaking the deafening silence

[Artifice]

good reads fellas...

asylum

I like the way you're able to set-up the scene both through visual language but also through action and narrative. It helps to really build a vivid image of your written content. In terms of flow, this was good, but I felt like there were a couple of spots where you could have made some adjustments to help...

From far away across the battlefield, through thickets, bushes and trees,
I saw white picket fences tumbling and crashing, being pushed by a tsunami.

Here's an example. you've got bushes and trees/pushed by a tsunami on the end, but there's too many syllables between bushes/pushed and trees/mi to make the multi really work. So, let's say you take out the 'away' from the beginning of the first line, and make 'trees' 'palm trees' at the end of the first line. now you have

From far across the battlefield, through thickets, bushes and palm trees
I saw white picket fences tumbling and crashing, being pushed by a tsunami

so now you're multi has an extra syllable, it flows nicer, and you haven't had to sacrifice anything. I don't think what I've written there is perfect, but it can help to make the overall read smoother imo.

Still, I really enjoyed this piece, especially the way you wrapped it up. There was emotion there, a heart-wrenching indifference that's ultimately born out of survival.

NYCSPITZ

I enjoyed almost everything about this piece. The only thing that irks me is the ending, on the first read it felt very abrupt. On a second read it didn't feel as abrupt, but it still felt a little off. Maybe it's just me. Also, didn't quite get the use of sun rays/sunrays in the opening line tbh. That being said, I like that you took the literal Roman approach to the latin phrase, and built a battle story out of it. It allowed you to use diction that helps make the piece feel like itself, if you know what I mean. Flow was on point, easy to read. While your piece doesn't have the same level of emotion that asylum's does, I think your piece outweighs his in other aspects that edge you slightly overall.



Enjoyed them both, but in the end I've got NYC taking it by a bit. Had his flow been less solid, or had asylum taken some kind of a twist that really pulled at the heart strings, it could've gone differently in my eyes. But here and now...

v/ NYC

[MMLP]

Asy – I liked this, the first part had great imagery, really dope. I got over the lack of multies/ matching pretty quickly, I was engrossed in the story. The ending lines/ scene wraps up the piece nicely, survival is victory in ‘nature’ terms, good analogy. I enjoyed reading. Good work!

NYC – yeh I agree wit Art, in a few aspects your piece does override asylum, I was starting to enjoy it, then it ended. I understand its meant to be abrupt to make you realise how harrowing the next scene would be. That was a good idea but could’ve been dragged out further. Idea sounds quite similar to Trojan horse story tbf.

This could go either way, I really liked reading both. Both verses have their flaws but the story-telling aspect overrides them all. It all comes down to the endings imo, I feel more satisfied by Asylum’s ending, his take on the topic just stood out more. After deliberation I give it him

[Razah]

The tsunami couplet threw me off flow wise. Overall, solid verse. I like certain wording you use, very descriptive.

The pictures on his helmet flew off and got stuck to my cheek, such a resemblance,

Like, that gives me a literal picture of what's going on. Now, if you were able to put a descriptive line like this and managed to shorten up the syllable count, the flow might improve and be descriptive as well..

The next verse seems very fast. I read it twice, and I just feel like it's a summary of a verse or something. It was written well, I'm just not intrigued by what took place. I appreciate both verses being short, but I felt like Asylum was more vivid and descriptive, while NYC had a technically better verse, it just didn't grab me as much.

vasylum

[UnbornBuddha]

I've read this verses a couple of times and I still can't decide. It's very evenly matched.

In many ways, NYC is the stronger writer. One of the best here. It's hard to best NYC in the technical aspect. What I feel deciding factor here is the ending. Asylum ending was on point, I loved it. NYC's ending wasn't bad, but it wasn't what it could have been. I enjoyed both verses equally, and so it kinds of pains me to have to choose a victor. But, I think Asylum here is my choice. Mainly because there was a lot of emotive qualities, but also of humanity to it. Some of Asylum word choices were kind of strange to me "sucked and gurgled". Nevertheless, Asylum had the stronger entry, mainly because of how he brought not only completion to what he was trying to convey, but it also left me pondering and left me more fulfilled in the end.

Vote: Asylum

[Frank]

Shout out to Adonis for stepping down and allowing nyc into these playoffs after Adonis put together his most innovative season thus far. Big of him.

Dope battle.

Asylum, cool verse. Mini saga. Great line about how the picture flew off the helmet and hit you in the cheek. Stand out line. Not quite clear what is actually unfolding? I'm assuming it's some sort of mob hit? Kinda like sleeping with the fishes? So what happened? You whacked him with the K bar? Good job staying current in your thinking process throughout the piece. Didn't waver too much.

NYCSPITZ, Whatever happened to the pictures? Anyhoots. Savage crusade. Channeled your headless horseman past life with intuitive sword movement. Ravenous pillaging of a third world village. Flash in the pan type of verse. Kindled, could've piled 20 more logs onto the piece to smolder it and smoke out your cavern of creativity.

I am going against the consensus and awarding the W to Dragon for a more accurate depiction of the topic