Semi Finals: Asylum vs Unbornbuddha (UNBORNBUDDHA WINS 3-1)

[asylum]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due FRIDAY 6/24 (ext. 6/25) at 11:59 PST

Voting ends MONDAY 6/27 at 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on two battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead.


Topic:
http://i1315.photobucket.com/albums/t582/patrown/Girl-Silhouette-Public-Domain1-460x266_zpswhrfvmpn.jpg (http://s1315.photobucket.com/user/patrown/media/Girl-Silhouette-Public-Domain1-460x266_zpswhrfvmpn.jpg.html)

[UnbornBuddha]

Where is this light coming from?
My mammalian eyes say the sun.
Sun gazing as a way to mime the stars.
If I’m really still and quiet my heart
I can almost tell the clouds in the sky apart
Yet, I also hear hundreds of beings cry afar.
Pitch-black solar system where color missing
Lackluster vision, but only I suffer symptoms.
World of shadow becomes tactile sensation.
Patterns of stasis where every angle is shapeless;
Existential example of vagueness.
Denatured, a stranger to the fractals of nature.
Non-judgingly pick at random a savior,
Picking the insect Franz Kafka created.
I can't tell, where am I? At a hiatus.
The path invisible, and alas unlivable.
My heart is happy miserable
On account of becoming used to nothing.
Elusive suffering. A sightless human struggling.
Recluse, secluded from the aggregates of commonality.
Blindness is the most antiquated of insanities.
It’s like living in an alternate reality
Powered by inanimate vitality.
Retinal detachment, catalyst of darkness
And absence of catharsis. Alchemist incarnate
A Philosopher stone from an amulet of carnage.

One day, the light I can’t see speaks to me.
Offering a slight peak of evening’s scenery.
I sit vis-à-vis with twilight... thinking facetiously
I just can’t believe it to be more than apparition.
An eidolon summoned from my tattered vision
Shiva to Ifrit, vivid moment of eureka encrypted.
Solipsist, who negated other beings in existence
But now I see them sauntering in the distance.
I start to realize the light is coming from my eyes
Destruction of the eternal night
But, there’s still a time of a nocturnal sky.
The sun circles around the surface of my mind
Mentally entwined, heliocentric genetic design.
Western physicians said both my retinas died
And I’ll never get to see incandescent delights.
Then I swore to transcend their iatrogenic advice
Desperate I had my favorite esper enshrined
Deifying Akira’s specimen to inspire my own tree of genesis.
Its cordate leaves as medicine, soothing a bleeding orifice.
Self-perceiving my fleeting origins;
Mephistopheles telomeres, an always dreaming Morpheus.
Supernova explosions in the black hole of my eyes.
Light has me open them, to see the cerulean ocean and tides.
It’s the solar eclipse in the soul of the blind.

[asylum]

We used to stare into the sunset, hold hands and walk along the beach,
She loved the ocean, so on our wedding day we explored a coral reef.
The schools of fish shimmered in descending rays of light,
We were dazzled as they ascended in a crescendo of shades that climbed,
Blues and yellows intertwining like a mesmerizing song of the tides,
She looked deeply in my eyes as our pupils morphed to slits,
Ears formed into our gills as we dove towards the sea floor quick.
She hummed an ancient tune that tore the sea floor to a rift,
And it instantly closed behind us at the very moment of an eclipse.
We embraced in the salty darkness, I felt her figure with my lips.
Felt the scales forming under my fingers as I gripped onto her hips,
And then I saw her soul with mine in the complete darkness,
Then a light called from deep beneath our discreet retreat, “Harken!
We welcome you home in your natural form, we’ve all been seeing with your eyes.
We watched the humans storm the beaches while we completed our design.”
We understood the reason why we needed to align, now it’s time.

[Woke]

Fuck me sideways Buddha, you stated aggressively slow, which don't make sense right? Allow me. You began with a very remedial rhyme pattern, but shortly after you went full thesaurus while man handling some difficult flow. The most intriguing part of this read were the images, I don't mean image of sun or blind guy, I mean philosophical entities to origin stories to the sadness and happiness of blindness to touching on how earth began subtly. I belive you created a god like character, one who is humanized, but what between your lines are telling me is, I created this place world. Example example.... Taste it's attractive conception. Very good read, I could write a multi page,incoherent thought rambling on all the shit you touched on.

Pat let me start with I haven't read your verse, but unless you drop something as good as the verse where the girl meets her dad one day before he returns to hell, you're not getting this vote. It's all preference, and he just wrote about many subjects with which I read freely. Leggo... So, this could Def be fleshed out, completed, and become a viscously captivating story. The pace you set was way off, you breezed over many details that needed to be expanded in order for this story to work well, I stress well, because this verse did work, just not at a high level. This is more patrown style, where you write last second, lacking the proper time to create a bona-fide verse. This goes in that "incomplete" folder on your laptop. I do hope you try this concept again when the topic allows because reworking this would be fun.

V/ the complex one

Buddha

[Artifice]

Unborn

Started off slow, but started really building about halfway through the first part. You towed the blindness line just right throughout the piece, referencing it enough for it to develop into the finish without being overdone at that point. The language that you used helped give the piece the cerebral vibe it has going content-wise. Really liked the last couplet of the first half. The second half I felt really picked up the pace and hit the end hard. All around dopeness. This was quality work here imo.

asylum

To start, I really liked the flow of this. It was easy to read and moved at a good pace. Content-wise, it feels sparse on details. You started out painting a nice scenery setup, then the plot began but you didn't give yourself enough space to really develop it and give the characters some meaning or depth or much for the reader to take in. I think it's a cool interpretation of the picture, and definitely think it could be fleshed out into something really solid, but as it stands, it's just not enough to take it in this one.


Enjoyed reading both, & congrats to both on making it to the semifinals.


v/ UnbornBuddha

[Frank]

Classic showdown, fellahs.


Was close. Wavered for a week on my decision. Even now I am still conflicted. Asylum, very well may be the best verse I've read of yours. Intoxicating. Unbornbuddah ,does what he always does. I was impressed; but on the same token, I am unimpressed, because all his verses are in the same breathe and lack any real 3D distinction. Asylum did not flounder. Buddah meandered a bit. Think if he combined his shorter lines into a longer line he could've had a more poignant verse. Merely a matter of formatting, optical illusion if you will. Felt this warmth radiating from Pats verse. I felt my eyes dilating from Complex's. Ultimately, I just liked the summer time feel more as opposed to the trance outlook. Wasn't heavy, but lighthearted and I just enjoyed it more.

V/Asylum

[MMLP]

Complex – on second read, the first paragraph really comes to light, I see for what it’s meant to portray, its brilliant! Second paragraph was good, some references went over my head (had to look up ‘Shiva and Ifrit’ for example). Flow was crazy at times but the first section was better to read on preference. Dope verse, it’ll be hard to top!

Asylum – Your talking about fish getting trapped in a net, right? if so its really good, my main beef it that is not as comprehendible as it should be, just not enough clues (big risk). But the notion these fish have a clear sense of whats coming and are accepting. It is quite tragic but a great twist lol. the scene came to life with some lines, for example “moment of an eclipse” as container of sorts would have closed. Horrifyingly nice!
‘Felt the scales forming under my fingers as I gripped onto her hips’… line confuses me and makes me think ive got this all wrong but ill go with my instinct.
great spin on the topic but not enough went on to get invested in.

v/ Complex, enjoyed both!