RD 1: Soulstice vs Pent uP - PENT UP WINS!

[sral]

https://s12.postimg.org/pl0jlggx9/sti.jpg



Welcome aboard motherfuckers!

This is the netcees.org S.T.I - named primarily because the majority of the board believe the topical side consists of homoerotic man poetry about rainbows and unicorns. We're here to hopefully dispel that myth once and for all! ...or confirm it, which would be equally lulzy for the casual reader but not so great for your reputations, I'd imagine.

Regardless, if you find yourself still here you can put that down to either my utter stupidity, blind belief you'll show up, or the fact you're a pretty sought after writer. Take your pick. I've assembled the greatest talent to still be doing this hallowed hobby of ours. This may well be the final opportunity for some of you to go out with a bang before retiring from text all together. For others this may be their greatest crowning achievement so far. Whichever category you fall into, I promise to pit you against some of the very best writers online and over the coming month I want you to prove why I was write to have invited you here ahead of an array of other writers that were denied their spot. It's time to show and prove, ladies.

This is where shit gets real!

House Rules:

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Check Ins are due: Wednesday 11:59 PST (You MUST check in!)
Verses are due: FRIDAY 11:59 PST.
Votes are due: The following Monday!


PLEASE VOTE ON EVERY OTHER BATTLE! I'm not here to police you guys, but it doesn't hurt to vote and it also helps ensure we keep things moving around here - these tournaments are nothing without the support of you guys. Modding is often a thankless task, and I've put in a lot of work to make this happen for you all, don't let me down!

There is NO RECYCLING, BITING ETC. Pretty standard. I shouldn't have to tell you folks that.

First to post may edit verse until opponent posts his verse. Second to post may edit their verse up until the first vote is received.

TOPIC: https://s17.postimg.org/wu8dmutpb/image.jpg


Soulstice Pent uP

[Pent uP]

For the umpteenth time, wattup

[Soulstice]

This again

[Pent uP]

The Zealot and The Pedant
https://s17.postimg.org/wu8dmutpb/image.jpg


Key in the door,
a crack of light trailed the corner
caressing pergo floor laminate and the stalest odor.
A deep sigh,
frail composure,
my teeth tight
as my hand started scaling over -
If these walls could talk; I'd be a braille decoder.
The first read must've been in rose colored glasses.
A little paint tainted where the stucco suffered splashes,
some mouldings cracked, but no reason to steam or fret much.
Oh yeah, one of the three screen doors gets stuck.
Changed the locks and claimed it as mine.
We started with a bedroom set and some change from our grinds.
The first night was spent with the most basic design:
A sink full of ice for the champagne and the wine,
some take out and beach chairs as our furniture.
We loved it unconditionally,
steadfast to the whereas or furthermore.
Neglected segments were stared passed and hurdled forth -
thinking we retroactively prepared that by working more.
As the home became a reality and common in our bounds
I went bat-shit from rat shit clusters that were found.
Then wet-rot under the sink - more than something trickled down...
This was Paul Hogan's home - a fucking Flipper house.
Not to mention broken floor boards and shitty paint.
Want to know how much I like this place?
ask the whores at CITI Bank.

Eventually we'd reached a stasis that allowed visitors
by decorating with accommodations that sound simpler:
tables and chairs,
tables and chairs,
couches, lounge seats, and barstools we're able to spare.
Every place around it has a coaster, but thats unrelated (I swear).
Ok, it's not.
Join me for a drink... I've got a fable to share.

Five bed, three bath, dining, living and family rooms.
But only the master and one guest have been used.
A desolate guest downstairs, a craft and a gaming room,
and all are empty because our stacked cash is unfavorable.
Did I mention the bar? Or the Effing-garage?
I'm supposed to brew in one, drink in the other,
but I'm forgetting to start.
My friends have caught on and are pressing me hard -
"get a console or PC and catch wreck with the squad."
My lady wants an easel for her sketches and art
and saying no to everyone just tears me apart.
So I drink and I play - loathing to catch static
and hoping for fast assets like I'm going to cash taxes...

Between thoughts of the message being anecdotal and pragmatic,
if you haven't caught the nuances - I know it's that 'that happens.'
I'd seem shocked but I'm hell bent to sew the truth and
show between the zealot and the pedant:
I'm only human.

[Soulstice]

On day Seven, he napped - and then millenia passed
He awoke. Gazed down and erupted with a defeaning laugh
The sky trembled and cracked -from his powerful ***kle
He hadn't seen an attempt at this since the tower of Babel
As if it were the hour of rapture, he began divine intervention
Summoned glowing green ghosts from a frightening dimension
Who, in a spiral, descended, with beakers and drills
And seven eager red eyes behind a featureless film
Arriving in secret, they built a lab deep in the wasteland
Beneath the glow of the moon - until they stopped its rotation

For no measure of time, the ghosts herded many men into line
Strapped them down, and drenched them in aether applied
to the forehead to let them inside - and take possession of minds
The grey matter was transported to an impenetrable hive, deep in the mountains
As decades passed.. God watched reason’s denouement.
He couldn’t believe the surroundings - steeples in townships
replaced the past cities of iron - men preferred sermons to science,
Found an urgent reliance in faith and unity - a new banner for man
& with fervor, excitement, they’d raise it beautifully

The ruins of purpose past are rusted and decayed - as hundreds of days
turned to another decade of brotherly prayer. Across every mountain
They’d sung to the savior. They trekked across deserts and jungles
& treacherous tundras on helpful sabbaticals, touring
across the remnants of national borders to spread their practice to foreign
peoples to catalyze worship. Now, between mountains, a freezing divide
Walks Shirakh, leading his tribe. Scouting for water with his people behind.
As he peered into a cave, he stopped believing his eyes.
There stood some behemoth - A hive, with steel-gray massive dimensions
No passage or entrance - floating inside this unnatural chamber
He touched it and felt blasted with anger - a communication beyond math or language
He saw the wrath of raiders & villages burning. 6 million people wishing & yearning
while locked in barracks. He saw robber barons, rich from oil they stosed
he saw building tumbling down beneath shadows of mushroom cloud
and the spoils of war..

On his way back to camp..
he considered the less violent vision. Each proof and theory that defined the systems
of time and physics. He knew the truth of every corollary. - that every mind had written
In their existence. As he returned to his tribe, he saw white men approaching with smiles
He felt something burning inside him -reproach with some guile - So he stole maps and scripture and burned them alive.
He made passage quickly - to a colony of the roving priests and preachers
With ease he reached them, proclaimed himself the second coming
Of the supreme in a deceitful speech. Their hearts were thumping -there was fervent chatter
To start with something.. anything.. to serve their master

Shirakh the makeshift messiah - he graced them with guidance - he selected the most able of white men
And granted them priesthood - the most high - with robes sable & vibrant - ouroboros sequined
Upon a golden dais they preached the Codex of Reason - that Shirakh wrote to guide them.
Dissenters were burned at the stake. After, Shirkah gathered the colonies. And used his infinite wisdom
to teach them to master technologies he saw in those belligerent visions. Many days passed
and they forged a spacecraft. He boarded with his disciples - bent on destroying his rival
And leaving an entropic void devoid of survival. As the atmosphere began passing them by
The crew let out rapturous cries - in the chamber - decorated with silver serpents
On his dais, Shirakh delivered sermons of the sickly vermin that lived beyond the ivory gates
they approached. He ignited the hate in his servants and they began riding escape
pods that arrived in a fiery blaze inside the estate until only smoking silver piles remained

And he ascended the throne of course. At his feet a tremendous glowing corpse
Now he controlled the world. He waved his hands and at the spur of his movements
he summoned ghosts with an emerald vibrance. And like any curious human
Sent them to Earth to exact his terrible science.

[Vulgar]

Pent uP - If this was some personal recounting, it was cool to get a glimpse into your life. Sounds like a big house, as your main character and narrator has a sense of humor about what it means to have a home and buy things to put it in, while it falls apart or shows its dents simultaneously. Sometimes your writer's voice is refreshing and reminds me of Louis Logic, who I really fucking like, ever since I was a teenager. It's got a real middle-class, everyman feel, with a dose of advanced lit courses at a local college or university. I thought this was dope because you took two words not used everyday, zealot and pedant, which I haven't come across in some time, and turned it into a personal fable. The rhyming was good, only part I didn't like was the 'hurdling forth / working more' couplet. Seemed a little bit forced. There weren't any huge events or revelations in the verse, mostly just house designing and financial woes. Home Improvement, down to earth type. The narration was strong.

Soulstice - I like that you linked the beginning stanza of God with a curious human. There were some high points and medium points for me with this verse, storyline, concept. God looks down at the Earth and sees something going on that hasn't since ancient times - a major catalyst for change, but he doesn't reveal what it is. Shirakh, a desert wanderer, prophet, tribal leader, is a messenger of sorts, who comes across a hidden hive holding precious and super-advanced technologies. The best part of the verse was the world's infatuation and consumption/devotion to religion, despite the pressures and wondrous progression facilitated by science, chemistry, architecture, medicine, etc. I feel like you didn't capitalize on that enough, and instead committed to a somewhat cool story about a messiah. The less impressive aspects of the verse, for me, was the green ghosts with red eyes. I found this to be a slightly corny ominous force/set of characters. I also felt like the giant hive floating inside of an 'unnatural chamber' holding the secrets of science and technology was a bit predictable. Something more subtle and as well thought out as your underlying theme about the rise of religion on the Earth would've benefited this piece enormously. It's hard to write a full, comprehensible and thought provoking story with line limits and topical structure. I didn't like the simplified climax, where he rides a spaceship, fucks shit up at his rival's pavilion, and ascends a throne. I didn't really get how this spiritual transformation led to this kind of an ending. I don't see why God at the beginning would have to summon ghosts, when there are other means at his disposal, I'm sure...but I get that the device was used to go full circle. At any rate, it was a stirring read with positive attributes, although I don't consider the fuse being fully lit. This one lagged where it needed to excel to really push forward.

Vote - Pent uP

I just found Pent's to be more enjoyable. Soulstice is a very talented writer, but didn't make good impact. I found some of the writing to be missing a certain equilibrium, and clinging to writing devices (i.e. green ghosts) that just weren't potent enough to work with.

[RichardCorey]

I knew this was going to be a tough one. haha

first and foremost, Pent's piece was very good. He was always very hard to digest, especially when he was younger -- and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but it did hinder him sometimes in my eyes (for whatever that's worth). But here, he's proven he's a master and probably has been for quite some time.

This piece was about a couple falling in love with a home, but slowly becoming overwhelmed by the home's imperfections and the money required to address them. For anyone who owns a home that hits deep.

But on a more metaphorical level, the piece can be about how we fall in love with an idea, but become disillusioned when the idea actually becomes a reality. Like women who go crazy over their wedding, but then lose their shit when they realize how hard marriage actually is.

It's the same thing.

I thought it was a great piece lyrically, flow wise Pent has always been a little "Penty" but that's fine, imagery and, yes, even comedy was all fine.


soulstice.

Soulstice. Dude.

I read your piece and had to lay down for a moment, shit that thing was dense, hahaha. It was good tho'. I'll say that your imagery was more exotic than Pent's, but the story was a little bit harder to follow.

I mean, don't get me wrong, once I got where you were going with it, I was on board. The idea of the weary traveler guiding his people through the desert was very Moses like, and then to find the secret cave that let him in on mankind's murderous future, it was all great.

It really spoke to the idea of mankind and just what god is to us.

On the flipside there was an sci-fi/ fantasy element that just seemed outta place.

I mean, did this dude just teach biblical era people how to build a rocket...that went to heaven?

Lol, holy shit, hahaha. That's impressive.

In the end, I think Pent was the better writer with a more concise and comprehensible storyline.


v/ Pent

[big baby]

I read both of the votes, and I can honestly tell vulgar, that it's not that he didnt capitalize, I just dont think soulstice captivated here. It was very, very impressive writing in general, but just that. It was writing, that told a story. But it wasn't beautiful. It was impressive though. A bulk of strength, an impressive feat of power, but it wasn't gorgeous. It didn't capsulate emotion as much as it probably wanted to intend. I like soulstice, his grasp on mechanics is impressive as hell. His story here seemed... a bit digressed in terms of surveying the field, relaying messages to his troops, and conveying the order given based on a strategy. It was very dense chakra, just aimed almost wrecklessly. I love the scenery, the touch, the embrace, but it wasnt captivating. He capitalized on everything but it almost didnt have a resolve. I read about 95% of it and was saddened that I already chose my mind on who won. Granted, he outwrote pent up based on mechanics alone, but that didnt matter. It just wasnt captivating. This is usually how you write though, and I knew coming into this that you'd have to try something a bit different. Ironically enough with that said, I feel I casted my vote without even saying anything about pent up.

Flashy. Pretty. I liked it, almost a lazy masterpiece. You flung your sword as you yawned and your fencing partner gets demolished. This was what I picked up, except..soulstice wasnt your fencing partner, and well, yeah. My absolute favorite part, for personal reasons was this.

My friends have caught on and are pressing me hard -
"get a console or PC and catch wreck with the squad."
My lady wants an easel for her sketches and art
and saying no to everyone just tears me apart.
So I drink and I play - loathing to catch static
and hoping for fast assets like I'm going to cash taxes..

Edit:
also, this line and saying no to everyone just tears me apart.
is just so good.

The reason why is that you showed gratitude for everything and what topped it off was the concern and the inevitable paint she'll eventually receive, it calmed the entire thing so much that I felt that you were definitely going to end it nicely. Up to that point it seemed intense, unnerving and high strung, but the beauty of language is that you can change slightly affronted nuances to ease the pain, strum the beat, touch a heart. Concise, yet lazy. if that makes sense?

On the other hand, I feel if soulstice signed into a league here he'd definitely champ the entire thing as his antics are steroidal to some of the champs we've already had. I feel for the most part you engaged a Sopranos paradox where everything was just a bulk, cluster lumped together so powerfully, but at the end, it lacked something substantial that you cant point your finger on - well you could, but you just wished your finger never found that certain knack. Maybe you did too much. Maybe you did too little, but thats where the confusion lies.

thanks.

[Cimmerian]

So, I read the topic as the balance or tug of war between the heart and the mind.

Pent Up

I interpreted Pent's take on the topic as the tug of war between wants and needs, materialism vs. pragmatism. Shades of sub-prime mortgage, the purchase of goods, keeping up with the Joneses, etc. The writing was good. Some parts through me off. For example, "stacked cash is unfavorable" and "Effing garage."

Overall, a good verse.

Soulstice

You wrote a very imaginative story. But I had trouble finding the tie-in to the assigned topic. Was Shirakh the tight-rope walker? Some good writing here. The story was dense and at times, my tiny brain could not follow it.

A good verse here too, but I am going to vote for Pent Up because I felt he wrote closer to the topic in a way that I could follow more easily.

Vote: Pent Up

[PancakeBrah]

Quick vote.

Pent wrote an autobiographical piece with nice depth. Oh woe is the first world and all of that. Well written, with just one or two hiccups. Really captured a mindset, perfectly broached the topic. Soulstice really went for it. Great imagery, more ambitious than his opponent. For something so epic in scale, details have to be left out. Did not hit the topic very much at all. Maybe exactly half of the topic. Seemed rushed, not in a shoddy, quick way, but just no room to breathe. And I have a personal bias for the smaller, more personal pieces. I think pent got it which surprises me as I rate Soulstice as the better writer. Good show by both. Second best battle of the week.

V/pent

[PancakeBrah]

5-0 is a KO, per Lars.

Thread closed.