RD 1: Frank vs big baby - FRANK WINS!

[sral]

https://s12.postimg.org/pl0jlggx9/sti.jpg



Welcome aboard motherfuckers!

This is the netcees.org S.T.I - named primarily because the majority of the board believe the topical side consists of homoerotic man poetry about rainbows and unicorns. We're here to hopefully dispel that myth once and for all! ...or confirm it, which would be equally lulzy for the casual reader but not so great for your reputations, I'd imagine.

Regardless, if you find yourself still here you can put that down to either my utter stupidity, blind belief you'll show up, or the fact you're a pretty sought after writer. Take your pick. I've assembled the greatest talent to still be doing this hallowed hobby of ours. This may well be the final opportunity for some of you to go out with a bang before retiring from text all together. For others this may be their greatest crowning achievement so far. Whichever category you fall into, I promise to pit you against some of the very best writers online and over the coming month I want you to prove why I was write to have invited you here ahead of an array of other writers that were denied their spot. It's time to show and prove, ladies.

This is where shit gets real!

House Rules:

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Check Ins are due: Wednesday 11:59 PST (You MUST check in!)
Verses are due: FRIDAY 11:59 PST.
Votes are due: The following Monday!


PLEASE VOTE ON EVERY OTHER BATTLE! I'm not here to police you guys, but it doesn't hurt to vote and it also helps ensure we keep things moving around here - these tournaments are nothing without the support of you guys. Modding is often a thankless task, and I've put in a lot of work to make this happen for you all, don't let me down!

There is NO RECYCLING, BITING ETC. Pretty standard. I shouldn't have to tell you folks that.

First to post may edit verse until opponent posts his verse. Second to post may edit their verse up until the first vote is cast.


TOPIC: https://s17.postimg.org/vhs8z18rv/image.jpg (https://postimg.org/image/vhs8z18rv/)
Frank big baby

[big baby]

I'm sorry

there's a reason I'm like this. lapidary diamond destruction
cut out your aortic value. set aside the eruption
volcanic assembly. in the midst of a powerless strain
it isn't malaise. the road less travelled is travelled the same
mapped out distinction. we only talk when there's nothing to say
you are here. we are there. it hurts, but okay
perforated perfection, razorbladed ventricle phase
take an exit. no, take a breath. pulmonary affection display
but we don't breathe anymore.
tensions rising, adrenal gland, sinus secretion
no gasps of air in-between kisses, just sighs of relief
stethoscope camaraderie. departure is now tearful at best
decode the morse of your heartbeat with an ear to your chest
but it doesn't matter anymore
you ruined my interpretation of love
she used to walk by the lake and avoid the watery tide
now when it rains I let you walk in puddles with stride
tablecloth linen. Chevrolet wagon window fingerprint stain
hers clouded the same area,l. Cinderella silhouette paint
we've been here before, I'll say it again. I'll say it forever
your silence let me know we weren't together
delicate language, I kept you in Davy Jones locker
binary code sonder, bystanders looked at us argue
I don't know. you were my first.
ethereal consumption, diluted diversion
I don't know if it's you or when you put me on mute. and there's bourbon
you are here. no you aren't. you're just in my bloodstream
so when I run away from my past...
well you are here. disenfranchised. who's gonna pay tribute
desenfenada. desperado. I hate to end it like this. to be continued

[Frank]

SNORLAX jiggles with fat, sitting in the driveway's garage door entrance, blocking it with its digital mass.
A Gigantic, indolent cat: drowsily nodding in and out of its intermittent nap, eyes slit, with its chin on its lap
Barefooted without slippers, he grabbed his galaxy S7, with its scratch resistant glass flimsily cracked
And sprinted down his stairs onto the spritz of the grass, into the Monday morning mist quarter to 6
The back porches front dimmers react, lighting up an invisible path: with LED lights, that artificially zapped -
Squishy and damp, trampling wilted plants – he slips on his back: and slid into a patch, skidding, then, scabbed.
SNORLAX giggles & laughs and vigorously claps: blushing red, eyes squinted and slant like a Michelin Man -
“He’s out there imaging things” whispered the Dad to the Mother who had encouraged him to do physical activities.
“He’s just out there slimming the flab. He’s been so full of zip since he got that new visual app, It’s just a fad…
Go back to sleep” she whispered back, as his dad walked away from the windows dreary, drizzling lapse with a twist of the latch.
Picking at his scab: The boy gets back to his feet with an attack. He gives his Galaxy S7 phone a sinister tap.
He gives the screen another drilling tap, as rain drips on the glass, the glitch in the app causes the Galaxy S7’s inexplicable lag
The SNORLAX image gets snapped: 3000 CP. He tweets “SNORLAX: 150th” with the giddiest tags.
He creates a GYM in his backyard and leaves his wildest Dragonite to defend it with its eclipsing blast
His prestige grows with every fictional character he unforgivably has, as he swishes the grass uninhibited
Catching the hideous, trapping it in his blizzard tactics: he screams out something in Japanese before pinning his flag.
Master Trainer, he is given the badge, in his pajama pants, mud-covered, traditionalist plaid.
Overweight; his heart pitter pats with every additional lap around the block, in search of Pidgeys & Rattatats
An incoming car is traveling fast, through the quiet, suburban streets, hung-over, whipping the gas
Mom and Dad are high off hits of the grass, on the perimeter of the grass, searching for their child who’s on a mission
Tracking the creatures onto different aves; burning calories, lipids and trans-fat, dripping with bad
cholesterol: Inches of plaque, his arteries thickened from a lack of exercise, sitting on his ass, now he’s swift and he’s fast.
His litter has hatched. Charizard's off-springs flaming wings viciously flap
A Navy Nissan Path Finder's tires vindictively mashed, flying through the red lights, beer bottles on the dash board, shift with a clash
The Driver is doing 60 flat, whizzing past school kids, with their heads down oblivious in an app
Listening to Monday Morning Talk Sports Radio - trade rumors between the Knicks and the Cavs
Drifting, the draft of the seasons changing instantly snapped him out of it, his coffee simmering black
He takes a sip and crashes into the kid, his seat belt restrictively strapped, ripping him back as the child is sadistically dragged
Ridiculously sad. The Mom & Dad are hit with the impact, along with every kid in the class
Everyone silenced their cellphones, except one - whose made a SIGH like sound, when SNORLAX infamously gasped
SNORLAX lifted the path finder, a figment of the imagination, the collision and scraps,
Peering down at him, vast, he physically grasped the Galaxy S7 out the kids rigorous clasp
There was an epiphany flash. Then the entire visual cast, before the ambulance put the kid in a bag
The cost of not following your heart, is spending the rest of your life wishing you had
He followed his heart, into traffic, looking up and then down into a digital map -

https://s17.postimg.org/vhs8z18rv/image.jpg

[RichardCorey]

This was an interesting one.

big baby had a very vocabulary dense and fascinating approach to the picture. He basically mapped out love's travel (or a relationship's travel) through the different pathways blood takes through one's heart. And somehow, he made it seem romantic.

I was actually really impressed by him lyrically as well as poetically. His grasp of repetition, theme and motif, language and, again, vocabulary took my by surprise.

He also had some great one-liners

no gasps of air in-between kisses, just sighs of relief

On the downside, he had a couple of hanging rhymes that tweaked the flow a bit. But considering he's relatively good at all other aspects of rhyming, it's hard for me to think he didn't do it on purpose.

good shit regardless.

Frank wasn't as sharp lyrically, but damn did he draw me in with the narrative. LOL, as soon as I saw Snorlax I knew what I was in for. Pokemon Go! is crazy around where I work. Just people wandering around, running into traffic, shit's hilarious.

But this story was about an overweight kid who found an easy fun way to exercise by playing the app. The story really builds on how happy the kid is and how great things are going and then, introduces a drunk driver.

And if you've been involved in topicals as long as I have, your heart sank, lol!

I do have some questions tho': Was the kid special needs? Were his parents high? And like...why?

Whatever the case, the end of the story has the imaginary Snorlax life the car off the little dude and I was like, "Jesus Christ! This is the first thing I read in the morning! What're you trying to ruin my day?"

vote:
Although I did like Frank's story (alot) Big Baby was just clearly the better writer. He had a better grasp of all the tools. Frank's lines were just waaay too long for me and often times he seemed to be fitting words in to keep up the length. If that's your style, so be it, just kinda irked me.

The story was great tho', just fuckin...bummed me out, shit!

[Pinot Grij]

Big Baby - I admire your effort in creating uniquely-expressed ideas, however I found that they were too far removed from real human experience and emotion. Therefore, I had trouble relating to your storyline or investing emotionally in its action.

"lapidary diamond destruction"
"aortic value"
"volcanic assembly"
"a powerless strain"
"mapped out distinction"
"perforated perfection"
"razorbladed ventricle phase"
"pulmonary affection display"

In these opening lines, my mind is buzzing with confusion. These appear on the surface as beautifully concocted turns of phrase, but the surrounding prose does not anchor them properly within the context of the situation you intend to convey. I vaguely understand that there is a protagonist that is going through some kind of a break up - but the emotionality, the relatability of the scene just isn't there for me, so I find it hard to connect.

This criticism takes a shift midway through the verse however.

tensions rising, adrenal gland, sinus secretion
no gasps of air in-between kisses, just sighs of relief

decode the morse of your heartbeat with an ear to your chest

THERE! These lines evoke emotion. I know and can relate to those feelings and appreciate the poetic phrasing that accompanies them. You've anchored your physiological diction in an accessible emotional picture.

but it doesn't matter anymore
you ruined my interpretation of love
This feels like its in a seventh grader's poetry book, no?

In the second half of the verse, your physiological /biological terminology all goes out the window. I'm glad to see it go, because I appreciate this tone better - but it still feels like a totally separate verse. I feel like for an emotional break-up piece, I should've felt more and connected more strongly with the ideas.


Frank -- Great story. Your style is your style and you don't seem like the kind of guy to change... but this piece feels like it would've been much more effective if you just dialled it down a smidge. The rapid fire rhyming could've still been effective without some of the excessive additions to the scheme that made me groan more than smile along with the action of your narrative.

flimsily cracked
drizzling lapse
drilling tap --- right after SINISTER TAP.
unforgivably has
traditionalist plaid
whipping the gas
dripping with bad -- then cholesterol on the next line
vindictively mashed

These are the examples of entries into your rhyme scheme that were detrimental to the story in my view. Obviously, your rhymes are so voluminous that the piece could be crafted without all these, what I deem, unnecessarily used clunky descriptors that detract from the tone of your verse. Other uses of the rhyme showed me really impressive usage.

digital mass
whispered the Dad
twist of the latch
inexplicable lag
pinning his flag
given the badge
trade rumors between the Knicks and the Cavs

These rhymes used vocabulary that feels indigenous to your story.

These are my criticisms - overall, I am happy with the storyline. It's something topical, relatable -- everyone talks about people potentially walking into traffic playing Pokemon Go. It's whimsical and imaginative -- the Snorlax tries in vain to save the child. It's emotional -- you feel for the child in the end of the piece. It offers a spectrum of emotions -- I just wish it was a little more concise in getting there.

Vote -- Frank

[NYCSPITZ]

I thought big baby had a cool verse but will echo pinots sentiments in that the various multiples seemed, while ostensibly "deep", to be particularly disparate phrases , although lined with a sentimental ethos. Was a cool take on the pic but first thing I think of is dead man simulacrum.

Frank had sum clunky wording but I think had a fresher and more interesting take on the topic. Literally lol'ed out loud at snorlax references.spit it to a pOkemon beat imo. Read this last night voting now on phone.

V/ frank

[UnbornBuddha]

Another great battle, it is a treat watching Big baby battle, not something very common. I apologize that I won't be able to drop a thorough breakdown due to time constraints. Anyways,

Big baby: I love your clever phrasing, it is one of the most distinctive voices in the site.
You compared love to certain anatomical and physiological aspects of the heart as well as blood flow. "you're just in my bloodstream" at least that's the correlation with the topic. I very much enjoy the idea of this, but I felt like you swayed too much from the direction taken, and weaved too many other referential phrasing "Cinderella, David Jones Locker" and it took away from a direct path. Now to me it was enjoyable, especially if it was an open mic piece, this would be excellent. But for a topical or in this tournament a story with an ongoing focal point. In retrospect, it was crafted and worded aesthetically, but the overarching execution of the proposition wasn't as sharp as it could had been.
I think maybe, like me, you just didn't have enough time this week to really invest into your piece and unleash your full potential.

Frank: Lol, this was thorougly amusing man. Again some of your phrasing is clunky, but it is to be expected with your style. Sometimes this gets you in trouble and takes away from your entire story and its hard to overlook your strange and clunky wording.
But this piece is when you shine and the work itself transcends the mistakes. Of couse it could be polished but its still extremely entertaining. In my opinion, you are the best storyteller in this site. I knew I was in for a ride when I saw Snorlax, LOL.

Vote: Frank

[dead man]

BB. fuck, man. you know how partial i am to this kind of work. i read some of the votes above (which i try to never do before casting one) and saw pinot mention that he felt emotionally disconnected from a lot of the verse based on a lack of human experience or motivation. i did not get this impression.

bystanders looked at us argue

c'mon now. that is real. well, if you're even a tad dysfunctional... as we all should be

i think any portion of this that did not tie into a deeply human experience was rooted in imaginative imagery and a sort of conceptual sketchwork. i almost felt you playing with the words as you were writing them, weaving the visuals together experimentally. tying it in. the sighs of relief segment was an obvious highlight. also loved the idea of letting her walk in the puddles. as love dies, so does chivalry. i think my main complaint here would be the fact that you sort of went the path of least resistance as far as your reaction to the image at hand. it was an obvious choice for you. you executed at your usual level. poignant and (at times) beautiful descriptive work. but nothing that stands out to me as an altogether. an outlier.

frank on the other hand, makes it a personal mission of his to assure that each of his verses stand out from one another in a major way. even to a fault, i could say.

as for this one -- yikes. i absolutely loved the direction you took this. i could have figured you to be the first one to tackle pokemon go in a verse. one of the many tools in your arsenal is to take popular culture and break it down into a masterful written work. it keeps your verses fresh and memorable. sports, news, games, history, celebrities, you've covered the breadth of a generation. i always get excited to imagine what your next topic will be. its why you are considered one of the best, even despite the idiosyncratic nature of your character(s).

this was really fun to read. it drew me in as someone who lives in the same world as you, the same country, reads news about the same old bullshit kids are doing. and adults for that matter. stampedes in japan because they let out an eevee or some such shit.

at any rate, your downfall, i think, was your strict adherence to that single-running rhyme scheme you are so fond of. sometimes it really works in your favor and makes a work become more coherent, and other times it feels completely and utterly restrictive as a writer's voice. and here it was the latter. there were some moments of real force. like square peg in a circular hole. also you introduced some really incompletely thoughts. his parents being high was one that really bugged me.

anyway. it breaks down like this. i enjoyed frank's idea far more.. while big baby clearly executed a more thoughtful piece of writing.

idk. i almost hate doing this, since it goes against what i usually prefer as far as a match-up is concerned, and i was so excited to see what big baby was going to bring in future rounds of this tourney (and still might).. but i have to vote FRANK. purely based on his utterly unique and at times incomprehensible perspective on the world.

thanks

[PancakeBrah]

Going to be quick.

Bb wrote in his usual style. Which is great. A lot of highlights, great command of language and emotion. Phrasing excellent.

Frank barely wrote about the topic at all, had horrendous phrasing due to a forced rhyme scheme, and his story didn't hit its mark.

V/bb

[Cimmerian]

I will also be short.

BB

I read your verse as a "dissection of a relationship." I thought that was a cool approach. The verse, from a stylistic standpoint, read very similarly to dead man's. But I think some of the phrasing could be improved.

Frank

It was a straightforward story and was funny at times. I'm probably just a couple years older than the Pokémon crowd. So, the subject matter wasn't as captivating to me as perhaps it was for others.

This was a close battle. But I'm voting for BB because I enjoyed his verse slightly more.

Vote: BB

[Certain]

Frank 4, big baby 3. I will vote on this tonight.

[Eŋg]

bb - this does sort of recall black (and pancake at times) with the vaguely broken, list-like delivery yoking together disparate conceptual strands. it's coherent, if a bit flowery, though. i think i'm a bit hemmed in by trying to make my stuff more or less syntactically fluid even if i'm chopping it up with short sentences like certain tends to favour. anyway, this was a bit of an ekphrasis, or a picture in words, which is ironic when you consider we're making words from pictures?! had to google desenfrada. some really beautiful turns of phrase knitted with very poised, delicate language. appreciated the thematic callbacks to the cor cordis. strong outing. buy my book tho u bitch.

franklin - idk bro, there's a questionable technical feat in adhering so stringently to a singular set of syllables which some sects of online rap forums will hail as unequivocally brilliant and rub their dicks to. for me, honestly, it borders on doggerel. not to take away from you, or your general writing, because you can write. while this was a bizarrely fun narrative that would resonate with current, recent events and the nigh ubiquity of pokemon spanning generations, struggling through a whole lot of wording killed much of my enjoyment and the momentum of the piece. sort of threw in the topic tie-in, at the end, too which is fine. i write around topics. can hurt a bit, apparently. i been here from day, btw, fuck you talmbout i've arrived?

i think bb comfortably outwrote frank in this one.

[Certain]

big baby: There were moments of stunning phrase-turning here, as there always is in your verses. Here are a few that particularly stood out:

it isn't malaise. the road less travelled is travelled the same
mapped out distinction. we only talk when there's nothing to say
…
no gasps of air in-between kisses, just sighs of relief
stethoscope camaraderie. departure is now tearful at best
decode the morse of your heartbeat with an ear to your chest
…
she used to walk by the lake and avoid the watery tide
now when it rains I let you walk in puddles

But far more important than those peaks were the woven references to anatomy and the systems that were strewn around the first half. When you got to the middle, the unusually overt “but it doesn’t matter anymore / you ruined my interpretation of love,” it felt like you lost interest in the theme and the topic and began to ramble a bit. Every read pulled the verse apart more, into two halves. Even with your beautiful found-poetry linguistics, the phrasing seemed a bit more off-kilter than normal in the second half. I really didn’t like “and there’s bourbon,” which seemed like the kind of out-of-nowhere hipster-y quasi-specific reference you would call dead man or PancakeBrah out for using.

With all of that said, the first half was spectacular. Beyond what I quoted, the allusions and sound patterns bounced off each other in the way they do with your very best verses. You juxtapose thoughts in a way that brings them all more meaning when you’re on your game, and the first half was top-flight writing, as good as anything else in this round. The tie-in to the topic was also very well done. Had the verse been more consistent, it would have been very difficult to beat.

Frank: I thought you nailed this story. You painted the character evocatively, set the scene, gave us a moment of happiness before a tragic finale. You did it all in your highly distinct style. There’s not a ton more to say about the execution. I read it three times, but I could have read it once because it was easy to follow and immediately rewarding.

What I particularly liked was the approach to the topic. In the past, I’ve often accused you of coming up with things you want to write about, then shoehorning them into a topic they don’t make sense with. That’s not the case here, thanks to the heart, the repetitive defense of Pokemón Go as good for getting inactive children some exercise they enjoy and especially the map. The map was the part that tied this whole piece together. You got too heavy-handed at the end to reinforce the topical note, but I didn’t mind that as it gave the story some purpose.

The negative side is that your writing was, as always, scattershot into a million directions. You force rhymes constantly, and that leaves multiple readings of your verses to be a bit tortured. When I’m looking for that deeper layer, those standout lines that someone like big baby will destroy lesser writers with, I rarely find them in your writing.

What saved you from that being a difference-maker here is the combination of your originality and the fact that big baby did not maintain focus and precision throughout his verse. From skimming the votes, there have not been many surprises as far as who voted for who, mostly because voters have strong stylistic preferences that tend to show. I like both of your styles a lot (even though I think both of you could use grammar lessons). Here, I think Frank executed his style better than big baby did.

Vote: Frank

[sral]

5-4 I'LL CLOSE THIS ONCE SOMEONE IS UP BY 2 VOTES!!!!!!!!!!!

[Certain]

Vulgar, Pent uP, Soulstice, Split Eight, quaker oats, Witty, Objective, asylum, King Ra., Nigma, Atheist, Zen, Mr. J, Adonis, @anyone else I'm forgetting.

[dead man]

SOMEBODY PLEASE

[oats]

I got this, give me 10-15

so real quick, I like a lot of BB's verse, but a lot of it was too obscure for me to grasp onto. too many vague descriptions that were left on their own. I also felt as if the verse lost some steam toward the end with a couple of lazy lines. Overall it was dope, but those were my gripes.

For Frank, the narrative was more coherent and interesting, but it was also a chore to read in a lot of ways. The actual rhyming and meter of this verse were tough for me to get through, and admittedly I really gravitate towards those types of things in topicals.

Vote: Both verses have their strengths and weaknesses, but I do feel like Frank's story, while not written as well from a technical standpoint, was better and more complete than BB's verse, which was ultimately too unfocused and unclear for me to get into. Enjoyed this one a lot, though, very cool clash of styles.

[big baby]

fuk off dead man

[Adonis]

Baby - grammatically Pertaining to flow, you are all over the place. Periods and commas phonetically disturbed the cadence in this verse. After you rhymed "anymore and love" the flow was compromised. I am not a fan of this because, for me at least, it came off forced and a bit scatter brained. I loved the opening concept where incorporated human anatomy while explaining emotion, but you cut the concept short and posted.


Franker- even though a quarter to six means no sun, the opening bars you chose opened up nicely with imagery.
"blushing red, eyes" for flow or not, your coma kills me. Not my world or preference of content, but affective it was. Captivating, you created a story with world, drawing connections to your character using a topic of now. Solid verse with minor hiccups that could easily be healed with more time

V/frank

More captivating and detailed verse