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View Full Version : ELITE EIGHT: Pent uP vs Eng - OPEN FOR VOTES!


sral
09-09-2016, 08:22 AM
https://s12.postimg.org/pl0jlggx9/sti.jpg



Welcome back motherfuckers!

Huge props if you’ve made it this far first and foremost! That initial round of sixteen had some absolutely CRAZY matchups but nothing like what’s to come here in the Elite Eight! There’s never been a tournament quite like this one, not with a field so open as to who could eventually win. This is it fellas! Time to show and prove. Slip up, and you’re out. It really is that simple. No second chances. It’s go hard, or go home and cry about it because we aren’t trying to hear that shit. These writers remaining are some of the best in the world, the greatest to have ever done this, and only one can be crowned champion… but who will it be? We’ll get a more realistic view after this round as the competition has now been halved, and will again after this round. Do you have what it takes to become the STI champion?


House Rules:

16 lines min.
48 lines max (unless agreed between you two)


Check-In's due: Monday Midnight EST
Verses due: Wednesday Midnight EST


PLEASE VOTE ON EVERY OTHER BATTLE! I'm not here to police you guys, but it doesn't hurt to vote and it also helps ensure we keep things moving around here - these tournaments are nothing without the support of you guys. Modding is often a thankless task, and I've put in a lot of work to make this happen for you all, don't let me down!

There is NO RECYCLING, BITING ETC. Pretty standard. I shouldn't have to tell you folks that.

First to post may edit verse until opponent posts his verse. Second to post may edit their verse up until the first vote is cast.






TOPIC: http://www.idealistrevolution.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/912.jpg
Pent uP Eŋg

Eŋg
09-13-2016, 08:59 AM
_rat feed.

Don’t talk to me about the carrot-and-stick.

Here’s your average kid: six years old and bright eyed
watching bonfire cinders roll in the night time.
Amongst family, camping - stamping poles in resilient earth,
learning what love, coming from nothing you’re giving, is worth.
It was unconditional. Overt.
An immigrant for a father found it difficult to work,
rather, he diligently served for minimal earnings
but when life’s simple you know little of the fiscal burden.
Fuck does that matter when a literal word and
a hug is all you need to lift your person?
The pops pulls him closer, one sip from sober,
in between the thoughtful love that’s shown
(mired with wafts of godawful rubbed cologne)
he insists, when grown, surely the kid will know.
In lamenting notes: “Getcha education.” -- the scent still holds.

Call it hard power, dangle it off a cliff.

He’s fifteen, and smart.
This is where big dreaming starts
except he feels apart there. School’s easy,
at least academically, not needing hard work.
But he’ll pass an enemy with needling, harsh words
every time he shuffles in the courtyard’s dirt.
Rebuttals with curled palms hurt.
It’s the mental that carves worse than the somatic.
He’s learning the system’s meant to be meritocratic
yet merit’s indistinct. Helps when you’ve the pennies to have shit.
Not shoes handed down to a third son, as with the rest of your fabrics,
by the man proud of you, despite his wrestling habit to tie the noose
around your juvenile neck and beg you to practise jumping
in the pursuit of success. That is something ambivalent.
A hulking, vast silhouette shading all progress.
Make it a contest. Fail to surpass a father
who’ll barely have the nails for a coffin.

Pertaining to sovereign.

He’s twenty-two.
Managed to numb his improbable aspirations.
It’s psychological castration,
with ashtrays unfurling lines of nominal, apt grey
shaping malaise for a self-medicating prodigal, mad patient.
The wallet in his hand’s vacant. Thinking on halcyon days
with a dad passed. Since, months have been jaded.
“Fat-rats on the backs of fat-cats commissioning lab-rats
in hazmat suits to perform further on lab-rats.” - he hates it.
Refuses to be a part of this.
Marxist-ish with a karmic twist is, in a word, considerate.
“The bourgeois exploit the proletariat for their indifference.”
Questions posed among his own thoughts amount to naught.
Broken walks on frozen shores to refresh his oldest haunts.
Can’t really hear anyone parroting about carrots and sticks,
his whole life’s had him feeling like the garrote's been rigged.

Pent uP
09-15-2016, 01:43 AM
Sociopaths
http://www.idealistrevolution.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/912.jpg

Les reads the oxygen tank at half, then hurdles passed the steps.
Ears pinned, throat tight and eyes burned from ashen sweat.
Falling beams of flame drop like Brick Breaker specials
fast enough to make outrageous risk takers fretful.
His entire vision is an orange glowing hue variant
as he tries to echo-locate the source of screams to carry it.
He reaches apartment 4B and cries as he gets close;
seeing an immolated cadaver stop twitching, tied to the bedpost.

Outside it's all paperwork and logistics.
The captain wants a count from the search of the building.
Lives saved, lost, and ages serve as his interests.
From the payroll to the grave -
is it worth it to dig it?
The phone rings, Samantha's name is on the illuminated screen.
"Hello?"
"Are you okay!?" comes across in an infuriated scream.
"Of course, we're just containing the fires growth rate.
..I saw something...don't worry, but...
I'll be home late"

Jake's on tape duty - holding the press' thoughts locked in
and fielding requests fast enough to moonlight at the stock market.
"you have to wait until the flames are contained.....
we're unaware of any casualties...I've explained, and you ain't..."
and it went on all night as they teemed with contempt
like a dog barking at a piece of meat through a fence.
A tap hit Jake's shoulder;
Then a sigh and whisper were forced out
"Get ready, they're bringing a corpse now."

Corey chuckled at Marty
"the smell flying off this bloke
reminds me of a joke; Frenchmen died, and when he croaked
he had a shit eating grin permanently etched."
"How'd he die?"
"Heart attack amid the fervor of some sex.
Second body came, a Scotsman who recently won from a scratcher...
Pressed his smiling lips at the bar and became a drunken cadaver.
Third body was a redneck with his face fixed elated..."
"How'd he die?"
"Struck by lightning, thought he was having a picture taken."

Father Foley's peripherals see a man unconcerned with disguise.
Through the slats the perfume of gas is burning his eyes.
A rambling maniac repenting by stammering shady facts -
How many hail marys does it take to make a flagellant break his back?
The events described set inside between his lungs and his stomach -
the conversation was one-sided, but the punishment wasn't.

In a bar, away from the thick air, somewhere north of the beach
intersects the lives of the fireman, cop, coroner and priest.
All facing the tender, no order to their seats;
The backgrounds' news channel reanimates the horrors they have seen
while the tender pours a gin and tonic and two whiskeys, neat.
But the father, sullen and through gritted teeth
ordered himself a whiskey on the rocks.
Breaths gone cold from deaths stronghold and distant in their thoughts.
Air whistles between their ears as memories set untold;
The bar light flicker ends behind silhouettes with their heads hung

low.

PancakeBrah
09-17-2016, 01:57 PM
ENG-

Looks like you took last week's voter comments to heart by writing a story. Or, you just felt like writing a story. Wrestled with ideas of familial bonds, teenage angst, rebellion against expectations, income inequality, bullying (specific and broad), and capitalism. All within an immigrant's son's experience. I think the 'Carrot and Stick'/campfire scene was your best effort, both in narrative and writing. It was comfy. I could smell the mix of campfire and cologne through the screen. The ending "the scent still holds" is great. A subtle metaphor. The "Hard Power" section was a bit telling not showing, and all that. The weakest of the three, but with strengths of its own ("merits indistinct", the ending couplet). I enjoyed "Sovereign" quite a bit. Juxtaposing the reveal of the fathers' death with his anti-capitalistic/topic tie-in tirade of lab rats/fat cats really sunk the connection between our protagonists' reactionary rebellion in. He's lost the catalyst for his discontent so his discontent is all he has to hold onto and it's ruining him, becoming unhinged. Good, subtle characterization, something you don't see to often. A weaker writer would have thrown a "so", "then", or "and" in there somewhere.

I thought this would be a weird topic to tackle. So many broad takes acting as pitfalls. You took the topic and nestled it in there. Sure, the first stanza had a hard reference in the title, but other than that you just used it as one single part of a character's overall disintegration. Clever. Thanks for the read.

Pent uP-

Uneven, sometimes great, sometimes just okay. Never bad. Quick exposition, then an exploration through different characters. Some phrasing I found clunky ("screams to carry it", "press' thoughts locked in", the person telling the joke's dialogue rhyming so obviously, "shady facts", the odd "brick breaker specials" rhyme in the middle of a dramatic action sequence) buoyed by some really creative ideas/wording (the entire italicized ending, the confession scene, most of the dialogue). You went at the topic abstractly, and went for it in terms of form and style. Dialogue in a rhyming verse is always tricky, and I think you hit more than you missed (aforementioned sections excluded). I could see some voters, in doing a quick read, not seeing how this connected to the topic, but it's there. Kind of. If you squint. Enough that I'm not inclined to think of it as an adverse aspect, I suppose.


I've reread both verses half a dozen times, it's tough to call. Many disparate aspects. Eng was tighter, wording wise. But his story was a bit more rote than his opponents. Pent had some missteps in terms of phrasing, and his verse had maybe too big of a scope, trying to do too much in certain spots. Both verses, though, were interesting and of, generally, a high caliber. Also, Eng internalized, Pent externalized. Still can't call it definitively. I wish Eng had, I don't know, 10% more creative strikes; if that were the case it would be pretty slam dunk to me.

I guess, in the end, Eng had tighter phrasing, a more laser focus on the heart of the topic, and an accomplished goal of a verse. Pent was more creative, riskier. And I'm torn on it. I do have a stylistic preference for single character study verses, as they were my bread and butter for years on this site. Maybe that's why I'm tipping it toward Eng, with everything else so at odds. Coin flip.

v/eng

UnbornBuddha
09-18-2016, 02:28 PM
Eng: "with ashtrays unfurling lines of nominal, apt grey
shaping malaise for a self-medicating prodigal, mad patient.
The wallet in his hand’s vacant. Thinking on halcyon...
Questions posed among his own thoughts amount to naught.
Broken walks on frozen shores to refresh his oldest haunts"

That was profoundly beautiful. There are many other parts in your verse that stood out, but that one, in particular, struck a cord. I enjoyed it all to tell you the truth, what I think your biggest difficulty in topical writing as far as I can notice is a clear-cut relationship to the topic at hand. Now if one squints one can get a glimpse of the interrelationship you mended, and I can imagine it being your downfall at least in this tournament. Your literary style writing appeals to me, in many ways. But your connection to the topic always seems so intangible, albeit I think your narrative here was more balanced in its approach and externalized to meet the reader.

Pent-Up: I can't really point out a part I disliked, everything was written cohesively and fluently. You have an apt for description. That said there wasn't much that really etched into my mind, there was "while the tender pours a gin and tonic and two whiskeys, neat. But the father, sullen and through gritted teeth". I think the technique here was very intriguing, yet overall while enjoyable, it wasn't as memorable as Eng's depiction.

Vote: Eng

Vulgar
09-19-2016, 01:46 AM
Eng - Nicely done here. I could tell this hits close to home, but if it doesn't, kudos for the extra creativity to get this onto the page convincingly. I thought the first stanza was sick. You explained the parent/child love dynamic well, and the innocence of it before making money and supporting yourself becomes a reality. It wasn't an overly political or economic piece, but more so it seemed to be harkening back to the pure days of just hugging dad on a camping trip and getting advice on how to succeed in a capitalist world, a meritocracy equivalent to the schoolyard. Now, calling things what they are is agreeable, as you talked about Marxism, bourgeoisie and proletariat classes. You also mentioned fat cats/fat rats. I think the verse would've been much more impacting and subtle if you left the actual terms out, but spoke of them in a metaphorical way. It was a shame to disrupt the father-son communication established from the first stanza onwards. I also feel like this verse is missing a stanza, and you were a bit shy with the length. For me, there clearly needs to be a stanza where we see some of the narrator's work experiences, or glimpses of college life at least, or perhaps we're zoomed in on the source of his economic findings where he finds out (and understands through inquiry) what he's in the midst of. Overall, a tough read here, a very original interpretation of the topic with B+ execution.

Pent uP - I found the meat of the storyline to be a bit puzzling. The culprit behind the fire isn't specified, but we do get the presence of a maniac - or is that the priest? I didn't quite get who he was having a conversation with, or whether that was literal. I think the gist of the storyline hinges on those key moments where the reader can follow what's happening with the characters. Alright, so I just reread the verse and took something entirely different away from it. I see where you are coming from now, it's more visible and apparent.

This was an interesting spin on a sequential look inside various occupations, and how, similar to the topic picture, each has a role to play when something bad happens. A fireman is in the middle of a burning building, and he sees a man who burnt to death while having sex and being tied up. The woman who he was with is a mystery. I sense there is a small plot hole there or I'm being picky. We see the burning building from the perspective of the cop outside, preparing for the corpses and handling the legal recordings and paperwork. He soothes his wife, decelerating for a moment.

I think this verse speaks to an uneasy apprehension that people deal with in emergency services who foam at the mouth to get the job done and get out of there, to unwind post-shift and drain a few glasses at the bar. It's an examination of the swallow, gulp, and spray, the rougher transitions of the daily work grind most don't know about. "I'll be home late" and "from the payroll to the grave" were significant parts of the verse, hinting at a form of dark humor about the nature of labor, and perhaps the unappreciated aspects of the most mentally taxing jobs. Fire, God, the law, and dead body disposal are all pretty serious occupations. The bartender at the end is the only other job we're sampled, his role being to comfort the bereaved or the overworked. This brings me to the perplexing title: Sociopaths. Is that an adaptable code word for people who work themselves to death, barking at the bit until they consume the bitter meat and go home? I'm not sure... if not, I don't like the title at all, lol, it's misguiding.

The cinematic ending was something to write home about. I enjoyed 'breaths gone cold from death's stronghold' because of its profundity. However, the rhyming in the verse was hot and cold. 'Fire's growth rate' seemed out of place in a realistic convo and seemed to be there just for the multi. 'Won from a scratcher' also seemed stilted. The redneck who got struck by lightning was also a bit corny. I thought the priest was the most notable character, but I applaud you for not really centering in on any one character. You remained almost neutral, giving them their spotlight, and then rendezvousing at the bar up the beach. I do question if this even-handedness, coupled with some lackluster rhyming in key spots, worked against you, vs. having something less ambitious but more accurate about one or two characters, with a tight rhythm to boot.

My vote goes to Eng.

He came with more of the goods in a thoughtful and intriguing battle examining economic hardships and family tragedies, and the traumatizing workflow (and occasional comedy relief) of emergency workers who serve crucial functions. I think since I needed a de-mister to get to the meat of Pent's verse (still not sure I got there) I went for Eng's, who was more personal with it and had a sharper slice.

Certain
09-21-2016, 02:04 AM
Eŋg: This was the most accessible thing I’ve read by you, a pretty crisp glance at the life of the son of a brown-skinned immigrant and the perils and conflicted emotions that come with it. I thought you could have done more to dive into the frame of mind in the third stanza, when childhood is beginning to feel removed and you’re considering who you are as a person. That was the weakest of the three stanzas by far, and that was the chance you had to really hammer home the theme. You’re chasing your father, but your father is a rat, and you’re a rat, and the thing that’s actually doing the chasing is this cat called life that eats us all in the end, and that’s fucked up. But the pure emotional resonance wasn’t there at the end, while the first stanza set the scene well and the second created conflict. Your writing and rhyming weren’t as tight as usual, but I found a confident flow with an emotional cadence that I liked. This was a good verse, and it was a different verse, and it worked well with the topic, but it could have been so much more gripping.

Pent uP: I liked the idea a lot. You told this story from four perspectives, and you gave each a totally different perspective, and you characterized well. I’ve covered live fire scenes before, and this wasn’t that far off. (Granted, no one died in the fires I’ve covered.) However, elementally, there were flaws strewn throughout. The joke, for instance, was a funny joke that lost all its punch in the wording that was required to make it rhyme and flow. Father Foley wasn’t given much to do. Les’ part was the best, by a long shot, because of the gritty details and the natural writing. I keep going back and forth on the relation to the topic. On one hand, you showed the idea that all of these people are desensitized, feeding the beast in order to ensure their own viability and moving on, with a sense of remorse. On the other hand, is that what the photo shows? The contentment of that fat rat on the back of the cat is such an important part of the purpose of the topic. Still, some of those same issues existed in Eŋg’s verse, the question of the contentment and fatness of the rat on the back of the cat was present there, too. What stood out to me as the decision-making piece of the puzzle is that you ended well, you set your verse together in a way that everything coalesced. I wish the reporter had been at that final bar scene, but that’s a quibble and an understandable one. His job continues on. Your idea showed creativity and required a wide variety of techniques, and you pulled it all together in the end, while Eŋg’s more humanizing and emotional approach fell flat late.

Vote: Pent uP

RichardCorey
09-21-2016, 10:42 PM
This has to be in the running for match of the week.

This was incredible, both of these guys are on master level. I'm in awe and entirely blown away. I don't know who Eng is (I probably do, but you dicks change names like fuckin' tampons), but dude's amazing. And hoooooooly shit at Pent. Holy Shit.


but here we go.

Okay, starting with Eng. Eng's story was about (to me) the maturation of a young boy, seen through the prism of his father's influence. It's very touching in that the father's existence seems to emotionally drive the story, even as imperfect as the father is.

I want to say his father wanted his son to be a hard worker, but his very smart and initially nerdy son wanted more. I get the feeling that after teh son passes, he refuses to join the rat race (as it were), instead choosing to adopt a more anti-establishment philosophy, extremely different than his immigrant father who chose not to rock the boat.

I loved the progression and tempo of this. It didn't seem overly long or rushed. It was an actual story, beginning, middle and end. In that sense it was very complete and I'd be hard pressed to find a story as complete as this one.

I was also impressed with the vocab and word usage. Eng, whoever you are, is such a great writer that, even in the small amount of space he's given, was able to create a character that evoked an emotional response from me. Like, when the father died. I swear I went, "ohh," lol. That's a big fuckin' deal, like I cared about an imaginary guy and that's pretty good.

Pent

sweet Jesus.

Okay, first and foremost, Pent and I have history.

Pent and I have always, ALWAYS, been a cough a sneeze away from beefing, but...AND THIS IS A BIG ASS BUT, I have always ALWAYS respected his talent. He may never admit that, but I always saw him as one of the top guys.

Now, I say that because: I'm sure he don't like me, lol.

I mean, it is what it is, lolol, but when me and Talent and Tali and Sac were running things, Pent was always like, "y'all ain't as good as y'all think you are." And from a hip hop perspective you GOTTA love that. You gotta! And I will admit that I didn't always think he was as good as he could've been, but sweet mother and Mary

I can't beat this Pent. I'll admit, on my best day, I couldn't beat this Pent.

POETICALLY, this story was on a whole other level. Lyrically, metaphorically, I loved it from beginning to end.

The change in character was met with a change in voice (not easy to do), and having it all center around the phenomenon of humans dealing with tragedy/death was what made it important.

I was most taken by the analogy he had for the press, likening them to dogs barking at meat through a fence. As an analogy for someone who's dealt with journalists who don't get their way, it was on point perfect.

Same deal with the firefighters. They guy telling his wife "I saw something" was brilliant. but..BUT...

PENT


PEEEEEENT, what the fuck did this have to do with the cat?!

There's this brilliant character-driven piece and I have NO IDEA how it fits to the picture. Ugh, and I'm torn, because Pent's narrative, to me, is better than Eng's.

It just is.

But is it better because Eng limited himself to the confines of what the topic required of him?

If we're going to be honest, both pieces were equally good, but Pent shined brighter because he allowed himself to go off the rails into this beautiful tangent about death and how we, as humans deal and get numb to it. Eng, who's story was just as great, didn't shine as much because he was much more disciplined.

sorry Pent, but as great as your piece was, Eng was just better at the kicking ass at the assignment. And it doesn't hurt that he was also reeeeeally good.


v/Eng.

sral
09-25-2016, 02:44 PM
ENG WINS