THE S.T.I FINALS - CERTAIN VS VULGAR!

[sral]

https://twistedsifter.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/artwork-satire-cartoonist-pawel-kuczynski-polish-25.jpg


CHECK IN'S DUE: SATURDAY
VERSES DUE: THE FOLLOWING FRIDAY!


LETS MAKE THIS GOOD!

Vulgar Certain

[Vulgar]

Freefalling...

[Certain]

Hi.

[Vulgar]

Literary Messiah

Mankind’s intelligence decreased rapidly, it seems the light departed
No more igniting parchment, no sense of direction when night is harshest
Pounding temples. Incoherence, income vanished, it's all out the window!
Yesterday, humans comprehended language... today? Confounding symbols
clouded mentals; civilization broke down over a period of weeks
Mouths gaped open, crooning from Bombay to Iceland - no conspiracies to leak
appearances were bleak, people forgot the wrongs and the rights
Devolved overnight, but why? Neither zombies nor apes, just delirious & weak
not a soul remained, except one, to recite funeral rites and preach
his pedagogy really had no chance of awakening the googly eyed beasts
Along with forgetting how to read, humans wouldn't plant seeds
triggering a domino effect of unfulfilled physiological needs
Yes, there was vague hope. Those who survived - billions dreamed
When they awoke, they personified the sudden death of thinking machines

Ned was a custodian of sorts, an oral historian and archivist
He was the last man on Earth, practically... a note-taker and columnist
preserving and analyzing texts was the basis of his mission
However, today he wasn’t upbeat, nor was he migrating data into systems
He'd been forced to blockade the library doors, mobs raided his position
he made revisions, relocated to the top floor to read for a time there
none of the city’s inhabitants had the depth awareness to even climb stairs!
Ned grew tired fairly quickly after reciting Dr. Seuss -
turns out minds fared terribly
he’d never seen grown adults and old folks act this rudimentary
Officially the smartest man on Earth, before he was average at best
cataloguing historical materials in cabinets, trapped at a desk
The whole library in a whimsical disarray, in the air was an ancient smell
of spoiled coffee, sweating bodies draped over misshapen shelves
Many stumbled indoors & caught Ned reading The Invisible Man by H.G. Wells
A book he thought appropriate for illustrating his place, he felt
“All men, however highly educated, retain some superstitious inklings.”
The squinting faces below couldn’t understand it, but they couldn't resist it
Ned recited key excerpts aloud, peering down through his monocles
“I went over the heads of the things a man reckons desirable
No doubt invisibility made it possible to get them, but it made it impossible
to enjoy them when they are got.”
In a moment of empathy, Ned identified with the narrator heavily
It was meant to be, that he was sent to seed ideas into their memories
A simulation of the Greek Lyceum to educate and formulate concepts
to re-teach the alphabet to the masses - by reforming the process
somehow, some way, the world had to learn to take care of themselves
This disorder & nonsense had to end; far too much wear-n-tear on the shelves
Ned knew it was all over, his job, his ex-wife Mildred, retirement plans
empty gas stations, train cars stuffed with dim wits - jive with the band!
Street performers slumped in seats; in Cape Town they lay in drunken heaps
their musical IQ's dry as the sand -
blank stares from anyone who held the Quran or a Bible in hand
“Everyone seemed eager to talk at once, and the result was Babel”
he read from The Invisible Man, as the people below mumbled, bedazzled
Ned was a character in a story too far fetched to be true, a lector prone
to give the gift of gab to anyone who might process it, over the megaphone
The first couple of readings were sobering episodes -
His boss was in the crowd, with a runny nose, foam on his office clothes
From God knows what... Jesus Christ, this was a snot-nosed bunch.
and outside wasn't much better -
you see, in this brainless age, potholes sucked. Snapped ankles.
Crippled bystanders - they shuffled their feet, and became entangled
Ned went to the library's roof, looked out at the city, wondered if he was alone
was this a eugenics experiment gone awry? Governments deemed it unknown
He walked through a maze of cubicles toward a room he locked every day
I Am Legend sat on his cot, an old copy of Soylent Green on top of a crate
"B-b-boooook," said a voice, in a primitive grunt. Ned was jolted to action
"Book! Someone said book!" he cried, feeling a surge of hope & compassion
he ran downstairs in haste & found an adolescent boy emitting the word
His copper-brown eyes were glazed over, he appeared a little disturbed
he jabbed his index finger at The Odyssey, tears running, stuttered in place
Mankind's fall from grace had ended!
The invisible man, flushed with relief, began to show some color in his face


“Can I take your hat and coat, sir,” she said, “and give them a good dry in the kitchen?”
“No,” he said without turning.
She was not sure she had heard him, and was about to repeat her question.
He turned his head and looked at her over his shoulder.
“I prefer to keep them on,” he said with emphasis
- The Invisible Man, H.G. Wells, pg. 1

[Certain]

Preface in perfume. She owned every room,
like a whisper of poetry. Hopeful in youth,
even as she’d cracked spines while hunched over
in the glow of the moon, scanning horizons
for the reprise of beloved roses in bloom.
Hers was the loneliest tune. The paint on the wall,
watching it dry, between the lines of painful withdrawal.
Opiate hits, colder and wet. Learn patience in fall,
cutting letters into trees, immortal frames to recall
all the days that are gone. The pages we turned.
The chapters that ended. Occam’s razors that burned.
And as each plot twists, us vagrants have learned
to head straight at each curve,
to wander under the cover of night,
to lick our fingertips and look for something to find.
A confederacy of hunches with a touch of denial,
she grounded us in fact as fiction muzzled a smile.
Each chilly day muddled with the spice of gin,
squeaking and stumbling through like mice and men.
She whispered prose, as the bell tolls and sun also rises,
shrugging on my slippers, praying for no surprises.
But words fade in direct light. We sway with the moonshine,
something pastoral — American yet chasing a new life.
Reliving the past. Wishing we’re better off.
Refusing conclusions. Past is prologue, sniffing to catch a waft
of that introductory vision that has me skipping the epilogue.

[Adonis]

Vulgarity

First read on first stanza and all I'm picturing is people on their phones at the dinner table having conversations with people they've never met across the world instead of conversing with their own family while eating. Gripping opening though, that's the gist. We can only Nitpick in the finals, and your story threw me a loop, not too far after you emphasized the laziness in human nature, specifically mentioning how humanity has forgotten how to walk up, they are suddenly kicking in the door for the reading... seems they do climb stairs, which makes a couple bars of this verse confusing, plot wise. FML, I'm not deleting it but you clearly covered them tracks by sliding in "awaiting DOWN there".


OK, so interesting concept, I am Legend meets idiocrocy. I enjoyed the story, though not much was going on action wise, I can look past that because the detail you did incorporate were enough. I liked the use of the invisible man, but using it as the premise felt a bit cheap, though that is on the most minuscule level ever. This verse had depth but sorely lacked action and pizzaz if I'm honest. This verse is solid, but def not one of your better works, yet, still better then most of my shit ever.


=========================


Certainty


Preface perfume, whisper of poetry. Really this don't make sense, which makes it very good writing, because it makes perfect scents, see what I did there? Loved that bar though chief. Good concept, reminds me of a longer less direct cimmerian verse. I'm not sure about the underlying meaning though my man. To me, it's just a verse about a girl who walks in a room, distracts the writer, and leaves him not wanting to finish the book because the beginning; the scent of beauty; was so captivating. Solid verse though






I will be honest and say I am not much a fan of either verse, but they were both written well. Vulgars lacked that flair while certain went conceptual, a women and booze, but didn't leave his verbal footprints or bread crumbs out in the open.



v/ Vulgar

tough to beat a verse that is twice as long, it was close, but in the end, Vulgar did enough conceptually to slightly edge this out IMO

[oats]

Vulgar: I think the idea was dope, if not a little too reminiscent of Idiocracy in places (nitpick). I just don't know if the idea, as presented, justified the length of the verse. I like how the lone person who finds worth in books is invisible in his society, and how he reads classics to re-educate the masses. It's all really dope, just seems a bit overstuffed. I would have liked to see less of the background on Ned and lead to a more powerful conclusion with the boy wanting to read, personally. Overall, only small complaints, but they're there nonetheless.

Certain: I enjoyed the metaphorical representation of the relationship. It was semi-narrative, but more allegorical, which is up my alley. I also really liked the various literary references at the end, and that last line was killer. Overall, this was sleek and well-executed, and your writing was lyrical and poetic. Not much to critique here.

Vote: What this comes down to, for me, is execution. Vulgar had a more ambitious idea and pulled it off in a wacky dystopian narrative, as is the calling card of Vulgar. Certain went for the less is more approach, and it was clean and effective the whole way through. It's almost like All Eyez On Me vs. Illmatic in a way. I can easily see why people may disagree with this, but my preferences lean toward economy, and as such Certain gets my vote. Great clash of styles, two great verses, but one left me room to criticize and one didn't, even if both were well-conceived and well-executed. Great finals, gentlemen.

[asylum]

i'll be voting on this just not right now cuz im about to pass out. looking forward to the read.

[asylum]

Vulgar – I enjoyed how your first stanza played very well off current political issues and the fact the corporate agenda driving both sides of it literally are trying to make the wider populace unable to feed themselves. Your branch off into the next stanza was a bit abrupt, I’m sure you’ll make up for it. ..
This stanza, you could have left Mildred without a name. Or that was a reference way over my head, just felt like stab at character development you could’ve done without. This was better off as a topical, imho.
(From what I’ve comprehended so far, of course.) Honestly man, this piece had an epic tone throughout like you were trying to say something. I grasped ahold of bits and pieces of it. Yet, I sense.. you meant a little more than I tasted with my own.. Very nice work. Left me wanting more and yet, I was simultaneously fulfilled by your comprehension of a broad sense of human emotion I feel you portrayed.. My favorite parts..

“Mouths gaped open, crooning from Bombay to Iceland - no conspiracies to leak
appearances were bleak, people forgot the wrongs and the rights
Devolved overnight, but why? Neither zombies nor apes, just delirious & weak
not a soul remained, except one, to recite funeral rites and preach”
“you see, in this brainless age, potholes sucked. Snapped ankles.
Crippled bystanders - they shuffled their feet, and became entangled
Ned went to the library's roof, looked out at the city, wondered if he was alone
was this a eugenics experiment gone awry? Governments deemed it unknown
He walked through a maze of cubicles toward a room he locked every day
I Am Legend sat on his cot, an old copy of Soylent Green on top of a crate”

Your use of references was enjoyed throughout. Great work. Bit rushed if I may.
You really gambled on your audience reading each of those pieces you quoted or referenced, luckily I have.

Certain- first of all, your opening scheme was entrancing. I enjoyed how you took a stab at your opponent by dropping “mice and men,” in the midst of your piece. We are an internet family after all, right? Might as well. I enjoyed it. I was at times simultaneously enthralled with the plight of your character’s and my own. I enjoyed that. However, I truly think you relied on that crux. Bit short mate.
Strongest point,
“And as each plot twists, us vagrants have learned
to head straight at each curve,
to wander under the cover of night,
to lick our fingertips and look for something to find.
A confederacy of hunches with a touch of denial,
she grounded us in fact as fiction muzzled a smile.
Each chilly day muddled with the spice of gin,
squeaking and stumbling through like mice and men.”

MVGT- reading a second time to make sure I’m deciding right..
I simply have to give this to vulgar there was so much more to chew on. I enjoyed Certain’s angle but as far as the final product is concerned, Vulgar produced more. He also produced some quality material. I think Certain came off the starting line a bit more prepared and delivered a more efficient package, but overall Vulgar took this battle for sure in my honest and humble opinion. Great work from both. Certain almost took this on some poetic shit but.. it wasn't AS GREAT.

Thank you for the reads, gentlemen. Truly.

[sral]

I'm going with Vulgar also this time out. At times the writing felt a little rushed, certain end rhymes etc irked me a little.

“Everyone seemed eager to talk at once, and the result was Babel”
he read from The Invisible Man, as the people below mumbled, bedazzled

Stuff like that particularly, but i'm a perfectionist faggot.

I can almost see where Oats was coming from in that the conclusion wasn't nailed home as strongly as was needed (I felt) and that maybe took some gloss off a solid enough showing.

Certain: I was almost a little disappointed in how brief this was. It was good writing, just not good enough. The execution is what cost you here. Vulgar took the topic and transcended it, you more so alluded to it (in my opinion) and so it came off like he tried more. Regardless of verse-length.

[UnbornBuddha]

I'll keep this short. I have studying to do.

Vulgar you commanded a grand voice. The narrative was very moving, in the sense of navigating the reader through a sense of time. An ebb and flow of it that carries the reader from start to finish. There are some mishaps that do interupt my full emersion though. Your piece is more narrative and oratory now, less musical, and so the rhythym isn't smooth or have much character. That said I enjoyed the ride.

Certain: Your piece had an elegant touch to it. It had a stylistic flair that catches the reader's attention. And it had a poetic nature to it that was fun to read. Admittingly, I've never really enjoyed your pieces before. I recognize you have a strong grasp on writing mechanics, but at the same time bounded to a uninspiring narrative voice. Here this was not the case. It was a great read, and I very much enjoyed it.

That said, I have to give this to Vulgar. I think overall his work was just more elaborate and profound in scope.

[Soulstice]

Vulgar

Liked the imagery behind igniting parchment in the night as a type of guiding light. Started out with sharp descriptions of humanity collective mental decline but it got sort of forced with wording like ‘conspiracies to leak’, and ‘google eyed beasts’ (Im not sure if I’m missing a reference there).I guess people aren’t fucking either which seems also out there and out of place. Maybe its not intelligence thats being diminished but all forms of humanity and animalistic instinct. (after a few reads I determined this is out of place)

Your return to form in the imagery departing started around “sweating bodies draped over misshapen shelves” and you maintained high-level language and topical concepts through “greek lyceum”, “Jive with the band” , “snot nosed bunch” and skkkkrted a little bit at “eugenics experiment”. describing the boys eyes was dope and poignant. wish you got more into the imagery nature of this cinematic disaster and kind of meshed it with your vulgar-esque imagery and the overarching concept in other ways. what ways? i don’t know, you’re the one writing in the finals.

What is this to me? A bunch of humans being dumb and ignoring literature. Ned is a metaphor for an impassioned auteur, and the zombified humans are people who just like don’t get it man. Content to consume other forms media that are not high art, not classic works, not groundbreaking forms of literature, specifically (re: LITERARY messiah). The kid knowing what a book is is kind of a reference to him meeting someone who might have similar interests, but alas, one who might share similar interests might ‘prefer to keep their hat and coat on’, rather than get comfortable, get in and out quick to rejoin the zombified rat race of modern popular media. cool.

Curtain

Flow was dooope. Kind of not your calling card? Didn’t get occam’s razor, I guess that the chapters that ended were inevitable for obvious reasons. I’ll award you half a point for that. So this verse is divided into 2 halves. The first introducing the metaphor of a woman which flowed spectacularly and was very cute but I’m not sure how much it delivered to the final product. Then you ‘wander under the cover of night’ and the second half begins. You dropped a lot of references to famous works of course, and the ending line was cool. It’s sort of like a double meaning to me - considering your favorite works and characters live on beyond the final period of the final sentence, and maybe, if we squint hard enough, the ending to chapters of our lives doesn’t have to be an ending, and hopefully we’ll meet again. cool double meaning (to me)

vote

So certain first half was generic, the second half he put solid effort in to and executed well. there was a lot of stuff that didn’t drive toward what i thought was the real point(s) of his verse. vulgar ebbed and flowed with fantastic description and then kind of eh imagery.

I will vote vulgar, for building toward his metaphor the best. in a case where both concepts were equally good. certains mechanics were better but it sacrificed content imo.

[Certain]

I think 5-1 is suffice given that this battle has now been open for votes for 11 days. Congratulations, Vulgar, as you deserved to win. Great tournament performance throughout.

[Vulgar]

Thank you my friend. You were a solid competitor yourself.

Thanks for the votes and feedback too, everyone.

[Adonis]

Good shit vulgar certain and all other competitors.

Props to sraL for running a smooth tourney as well

[Frank]

Vulgar defeats Certain in the Storytelling Topical Invitational 5-1.

Closed.

Adding Vulgars accomplishments now and bringing down the forum.

Great job, everyone.