Morbid Beyond The Plot

[Mr. J]

As foretold the mechanics have been drawn out
thoughts beyond doubt, run rampant & claw out.
overtime clocked out, check yourself back in now.
Passion drowned towns & left those laughing about...
structures falling, pressure building, happenings now.
motion captured sensors recording the indifference
reporting from a distance these sources of ignorance
cups up, drunk off a life of lies boxed into the ruse
everyday calamity twisted by views of the Rubix Cube
I view this through tinted glasses & risked detachment
fully loaded pencil with the equipped attachments.
laser guided accidents with get profiled as rare.
red beams check each one for their trial & error.
the smiles are scarce, removed from future entitlement
they never learn, but never conclude with retirement
use the fire pit to signal the skies & plead for death
reduce yourself to the offspring that eat your flesh
parting is tragic, but it happens til the rope is tossed
fly away hopeful tragedy, it is time...all hope is lost...

[Objective]

Loved this short and sweet piece of yours, flow is on point and the running rhymeschemes transitioning over isn't perfect per se but they do what they're supposed to in great fashion. The story paints a vivid picture with great vocabulary to strengthen the points in your verse without it seeming forced. I also enjoyed the metaphors you were using, Rubix Cube line kind of stood out to me but that might be because I connected it to a comic I enjoy quite a bit and felt it fit the topic although the message is different. Either way I think it might reflect the situation your protagonist is facing despite the fact he gave up too soon imo:

https://i.imgur.com/kYO7v1h.jpg

Good shit Mr. J.