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View Full Version : Week I: dead man(sub)vs Pent Up[Dead man Wins]


Inno
11-27-2017, 08:06 PM
http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 8

Verses are due FRIDAY at 11:59

Voting ends SUNDAY at 11:59

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B33xw0ChTjybWExTdzB0TlpINUE

Goodluck!

Pent uP
12-03-2017, 01:23 AM
https://i.imgur.com/zP0QhOc_d.jpg
Delusions of normalcy - skewed by rewards and dreams.
The battle between free thoughts and those soon to be quarantined.
Aggressive, agnostic and caustic strewn through our morning reads -
From other grim defined and misaligned written styles
Met too soon for the worm to treat the bird brained individualized.
Objective ulterior - methods synchronized and simplified.
Joy from rage - avoid front page Synesthesia synthesized.
A dirty weightlessness from information which is like pigeon flight.
Form an opinion and practice it, find a victim to babble with,
Then shit on them with that rehearsed bit like a laxative.
Opposing news sources seem imaginative if it has the script -
With a backbone which cant hold a candle stick.

Fascists with anarchist puppets who paid to have their own living
Are traded as live stock and the practice labeled capitolism.
Property, Porsche's, personnel all launder their fortunes.
99 percentile paychecks are hush money, squander your portion.
Theyve bought your endorsement for a quantum of solace


Idk cant finish

Inno
12-04-2017, 06:55 AM
Dead man verse.


https://i.imgur.com/Sn5SIsV.png

i invaded you, in silence, professionally
ghost in a shell. you put your ear to the sea
can you hear me? silhouette in a cove. lighthouse illuminate boats
let the waves lap your cheekbone to a rhythm unknown
solemn groaning. rock and rolling. demons abreast
head heavy dragging albatross i tied to your neck
you'll never remember me but i'll never forget
to attach significance to all the places we went
in vain, so it is, the same. as always before
you called on me to harbor remorse. crawling ashore
your breath is like a local haunt. your heart is a morgue
my handprint is the pentagram you carved in your floor
we loved each other perfectly in spite of it all
fed one another Soma til we sleep or withdraw
clockwork clementine, i recognize your choice, retrospective
you called on me to die. i only answered your question
sentimentalism, capture you and hold. it's the game
i've played for many years, suspecting you'd do the same.
popped your vein. picked your brain. made you hate your reflection
drown yourself in Excedrin. there's no pill for resentment
oral fixation, anal retention. symptomatic depression
lost your whole perspective just to pay me attention
so it was. go and catch your buzz. we're traveling tandem
it's funny how we memorize the names of our phantoms, and resurrect
in every moment alone. when we're not being a person
only being ourselves. 7:30am late for rehearsal
you've yet to up and quit. give me final goodbyes
let the devil into you. it's time to arrive.





dead man

Inno
12-04-2017, 07:17 PM
Vote 1:

pent up
Quote:
the battle between free thoughts and those soon to be quarantined
dope

Quote:
form an opinion and practice it, find a victim to babble with / then shit on them with that rehearsed bit like a laxative
I forgot there was a picture involved so I assumed "advertisers". BUT PIC SO TINY CAN'T BE SURE.

Quote:
99 percentile paychecks are hush money
I like this, though it kinda fell off around it.

definitely feels unfinished, some really strong points could be evolved. the multis are cool.



dead man

the whole first part
Quote:
I invaded you, in silence, professionally / ghost in a shell. you put your ear to the sea / can you hear me? silhouette in a cove. lighthouse illuminate boats. / let the waves lap your cheekbone to a rhythm unknown
was fire. for my reading, I just skipped reading "bone" so it read more naturally but, ye.
next few lines are good, upheld the vibe.

Quote:
... your heart is a morgue / my handprint is the pentagram you carved in your floor
dunno where you were going with this piece as a whole but, it speaks on a certain dark level if people have been through some shit when they were young kids. part of it sounded like it was about drugs but, ye. I appreciated the read.

after "clockwork clementine", the simple relaxed pace of it started to feel a bit rushed (maybe forced? but more rushed at least).

got back on the flow-ish for a second with
Quote:
popped your vein ... / ... there's no pill for resentment
but still seemed hurried. dunno.


mvgt deadman


Vote 2:

This is more the PR Pent I grew used to reading, before his stint at NC, and I really enjoyed what he had. It's thoughtful and incisive, with great wording and intellect (maybe beyond its audience, but we'll see). I've seen him approach similar verses previously, topic-wise, so maybe he was a little unstuck creatively this week. It definitely felt like it ended prematurely before it's time, rather than unfolding naturally as his verses usually do. The line about the worm and the bird brained was awesome, as was the high quality of rhymes on display. The simple sounding stuff like synchronised/simplified is actually anything but, they're great rhyme choices coupled together, he just makes it seem so effortless those small things get overlooked by everyone except the most polished writers. Pent sure knows what he's doing, believe it. The skill level top notch notch, the execution too, it just lacked a final punch to really bring it home or full circle with what he opened with, but he'll know that in his heart of hearts already.

Dead Man: This topic was made for Deadman. Lol. I even looked at writing to it this week and thought that to myself when I saw it that he would pick that one. It's vague enough for him to manipulate to his strengths and he didn't disappoint. The ghost in a shell line was flames out the gate, heart is a morgue/ handprint a pentagram you carved on the floor was fire too. The verse is littered with quoteables but clockwork clementine was probably the pick of the bunch for me. I've got Deadman winning this week but I'm hoping Pent dusts his pen off for future weeks!