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View Full Version : Week III: Diablo vs NYCSPITZ[DIABLO WINS]


Inno
12-12-2017, 10:08 PM
http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 8

Verses are due SATURDAY at 11:59

Voting ends MONDAY at 11:59

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

Diablo NYCSPITZ
Goodluck!

Diablo
12-13-2017, 03:58 AM
YOU DEAD

NYCSPITZ
12-13-2017, 08:05 AM
maybe ur last verse was fire...

I'm nice with it though...let's see what happens...

NYCSPITZ
12-16-2017, 01:07 PM
http://i63.tinypic.com/5ug5kz.jpg


Hey…I’m Sarah; I’m worth exactly one billion slavecoins
Nox-5 and Eupha-69 are favorite drugs at our local rave points
I’ve settled here on Sperare - a mote of dust in the wind
A Mega City, one of thousands on this cluster we’re in
I’m a warrior of many means, of hacking lust and of sin
An agent of the resistance against that fucker the king…
Darkness and cunning are deep in his soul, lurking within
Taking planets in hostile fashion on the burst of a whim
Leaving members of the populace to nurse with their jinn
In lieu of death or exile, they choose to curse in the wind…
He’s planted seeds in this city, but I can see the same trap
There’s denial; even after we've evolved to 30 percent brain cap
...Still remember the takeover when I was just a little girl in a home
Their demonic insignias - a world of pearls and of bones
Experimented on my parents, somewhere in the firmament’s throes
When they died, I knew at once; now a girl was alone
So I excelled in academics, athletics and speech at their schools
and went along with that indoctrinating reason of fools
But that was then. I long ago escaped by grace of my will
and I’m like the woman in Kill Bill - that most ancient of films
Moving through shadows in the street out of scope of the enemy
The people hide it in their eyes; their hope is diminishing
The tattoos on my body - homage to a tribe that I miss from afar
a lineage somewhere in time along this prism of ours
There was a native tribe known for their wisdom of words
Back when humanity was localized around a singular star
So I pray to the war gods and wait for whispers from Mars
and tip the balance away from evil and the cynical herd
As I stare at my face floating over the glint of my purse…
Who knows whether I’ll live or be deceased in a year?
I lay back in my woman cave, attach a piece to my ear…
Pull up the interface and smirk, I’m about to get ready
to upload my avatar at the celestial city
It’s made in my image but stronger, with laudable posture
My fingers whir as I prepare for the consciousness transfer
The team is ready at my incubation tube for when I open my eyes
circling the city undetected - know that hope is alive
Blue energy rises up into ether and the king’s at the crest
My escape is one mistake he’s gonna live to regret
The pulsar cannon is ready, my head is filled with the art of war
I upload -
“speed at invisible glide, straight into his corridor”




.

Diablo
12-17-2017, 05:44 AM
https://preview.ibb.co/eQ7BLR/IMG_6453.jpg


The sweat on his brow was calmed by the breeze
before settling down near the scar on his cheek.
But it's not the startling heat that's taken his breath
nor his armour, the fear is what's making him sweat.
The gaze of the red sun, dawning far ahead,
raged as intensely as his anger toward his Father's death.
The mourned departure left a gaping hole in his sibling
that no sword had hardly ever come close to inflicting.
Most of the village knew the wise and noble man
but spoke of who killed him from behind their shoja stands.
The High Shinobi Clan were imperial swordsmen
who deprived the lower classes of their menial fortunes.
They were seen as enforcers protecting Dynasty One
even though the fees they extorted seemed to rise with the sun.
They pried on the vulnerable, the oppressed, and the foolish
with violence erupting should anyone question their ruling.
Everyone knew this, including his father no less,
and yet he refuted having to part with his yen!
The clan regard disrespect as the highest act of affront
so the martyr was met with the knife-edge his life was balanced upon.
The smiters savage response to the peasants dissent
was to strike the man only once, and sever his head.
The method of execution was precise as the men had wanted
and a rufescence of red ran as high as the cherry blossoms.
The eyes of the many watching turned away in despair
as he died for the very doctrine that they were too scared.
The dictatorship shared a maniacal laugh at the top of their lungs
which remained in the air until the return of our prodigal son.
The loss of his loved one weighed heavy as the kasa on his head
it wasn't enough wanting them dead, he had to have his revenge.
Samurai meant "Those who served," in its correct term so
it was time he handed the men a dish best served cold!
The sunset burned overhead as he veered the arid plains
until our expert ronin finally neared their palisades.
The fear that captivated him crossing swords with the henchmen
appeared to have abated having turned his thoughts to redemption.
He saw them beheading his father without any remorse
so nothing short of their death is enough to settle the score.
His weapon was drawn from the sheath that housed its intent
as he head into war both outnumbered, and out for revenge!
There were thousands of them against just him on his own
but he wasn't about to surrender, Samurai of principle don't.
The sadistic Shinobi clan were a disgrace to 'The Way'
while he lived by the code of honor he would take to the grave.
In the face of his greatest adversity, he fought to the end,
even as wave after wave of wakizashi brought him to death.
The stories of legend remember him in the bushido adage to scholars:
"It's more than just strength that makes a man. A man must have honour."

bleak
12-21-2017, 11:53 PM
Ok this is a hell of a read and I'm gonna make it back to vote. Theres a lot to cover, will edit in

ACTIVATE SELF
12-28-2017, 09:32 AM
NYC

I fed this in the OM. So some of my commentary may sound rehashed or recycled, but bare with me, bro.

Hey…I’m Sarah; I’m worth exactly one billion slavecoins
Nox-5 and Eupha-69 are favorite drugs at our local rave points
I’ve settled here on Sperare - a mote of dust in the wind
A Mega City, one of thousands on this cluster we’re in

Dope. I love your self-invented sci-fi lingo. It reads true and authentic to the topic and really pulls me into the world you're creating.

I’m a warrior of many means, of hacking lust and of sin
An agent of the resistance against that fucker the king…
Darkness and cunning are deep in his soul, lurking within
Taking planets in hostile fashion on the burst of a whim

Looking at the girl in the picture it's not hard to imagine she would talk like a modern-day teen. But, there's just something about the way "that fucker the king" reads that I don't like. I'm not against cursing in topicals by any means, but in this instance, it seems unpolished and less than best choice of wording. Everything else is solid.

Leaving members of the populace to nurse with their jinn
In lieu of death or exile, they choose to curse in the wind…

A "jinn" is a supernatural being of Middle Eastern lore and mythology. It's synonymous with a genie or a demon. Although, you could certainly twist and turn the word to fit your narrative, make it a title or some sort of Space related variation of the entity, but idk, bro. I'm not seeing it's relevance to the story.

He’s planted seeds in this city, but I can see the same trap
There’s denial; even after we've evolved to 30 percent brain cap

A little wordy, but the "30% brain cap" is an excellent idea.

...Still remember the takeover when I was just a little girl in a home
Their demonic insignias - a world of pearls and of bones

Ha ...

This is dope. I'm getting an image of Space pirates from this or a mass invasion of some sort of hostile fleet composed of bandits and thieves whom thrive by taking over entire cities and worlds in the outter reaches of the galaxy.

Experimented on my parents, somewhere in the firmament’s throes

"firmament" is a nice touch. In terms of vocabulary, I think it helps to add an air of authenticity to your sci-fi drama.

When they died, I knew at once; now a girl was alone
So I excelled in academics, athletics and speech at their schools
and went along with that indoctrinating reason of fools
But that was then. I long ago escaped by grace of my will
and I’m like the woman in Kill Bill - that most ancient of films

The rhyming is cool. Nothing reads clunky or anything, but I feel it could be enhanced some. It's a little underwhelming. However, what is not underwhelming is the actual content. I love the backstory and, like I previously stated in my Open Mic feed, that "Kill Bill" line is pure gold. You're world building skills are highly commendable.

Moving through shadows in the street out of scope of the enemy
The people hide it in their eyes; their hope is diminishing
The tattoos on my body - homage to a tribe that I miss from afar
a lineage somewhere in time along this prism of ours
There was a native tribe known for their wisdom of words
Back when humanity was localized around a singular star
So I pray to the war gods and wait for whispers from Mars
and tip the balance away from evil and the cynical herd
As I stare at my face floating over the glint of my purse…

NY, you have some superb detailing going on. Things that paint clear and vivid images. I'm really immersed in your story. But, bro, I'm not getting much from your mechanics. I peeped the intri***ies of your scheme and your inners keep the read moving along, but your end rhymes are too scattered and some of them are not lining up or hardly even rhyming at all.

Who knows whether I’ll live or be deceased in a year?
I lay back in my woman cave, attach a piece to my ear…

lol @ "woman cave". Nice touch and direct tie-in to the illustration.

Pull up the interface and smirk, I’m about to get ready
to upload my avatar at the celestial city
It’s made in my image but stronger, with laudable posture
My fingers whir as I prepare for the consciousness transfer
The team is ready at my incubation tube for when I open my eyes
circling the city undetected - know that hope is alive

I once wrote a piece about consciousness transfer, so I'm feeling this, for real for real. Creative and imaginative writing, my guy. The whirring fingers part is also very nice. Descriptive.

Blue energy rises up into ether and the king’s at the crest
My escape is one mistake he’s gonna live to regret

Perfectly worded.

The pulsar cannon is ready, my head is filled with the art of war
I upload -
“speed at invisible glide, straight into his corridor”

"speed at invisible glide" is kind of iffy. Not really feeling the wording.

Okay, so this was a dope verse. You're a storyteller of the highest order. I bought into the mass majority of your lingo, the scenario and the visuals. I wholeheartedly enjoyed reading this. But, I'd be remiss in my duty as a voter, if I didn't mention my gripes with your rhyming mechanics. Although, your story was easy to read and had no real stumples or clunky moments, it was still a little flat when it came to the rhythmic aspect, because in a couple areas the flow was bare minimal at best. I think if you would have elevated the rhyming more it would have enhanced the overal impact and delivery of your lines.

Diablo

The sweat on his brow was calmed by the breeze
before settling down near the scar on his cheek.
But it's not the startling heat that's taken his breath
nor his armour,fat wifethe fearfat wifeis what's making him sweat.
The gaze of the red sun, dawning far ahead,
raged as intensely as his anger toward his Father's death.
The mourned departure left a gaping hole in his sibling
that no sword had hardly ever come close to inflicting.
Most of the village knew the wise and noble man
but spoke of who killed him from behind their shoja stands.

I dig it. The flow was steady. Nothing spectacular. But like your opponent, it's your descriptive writing and scene setting ability that's drawn me in. Everything from the "red sun" to "shoja stands" really aided in painting the picture. The plotline is also pretty interesting. I'm a fan of Spaghetti/Macaroni Westerns and martial arts flicks, so it's always a treat to experience what seems like it might be a combination of the two. For some reason Quentin Tarantino comes to mind.

The High Shinobi Clan were imperial swordsmen
who deprived the lower classes of their menial fortunes.
They were seen as enforcers protecting Dynasty One
even though the fees they extorted seemed to rise with the sun.

Nice exhibition. The wording is also nice.

They pried on the vulnerable, the oppressed, and the foolish
with violence erupting should anyone question their ruling.
Everyone knew this, including his father no less,
and yet he refuted having to part with his yen!

Okay, so we're in Japan. I'm guessing 19th century???

So I'm digging the content. Although, the country and time period are different, this piece kind of reminds me of my Shanghai Noon verse (the one I deleted). The rogue/ronin gang of trouble makers is similar to how I imaged my Triad band of buddies.

The clan regard disrespect as the highest act of affront
so the martyr was met with the knife-edge his life was balanced upon.

Nice bit of poetic sensibility.

The smiters savage response to the peasants dissent
was to strike the man only once, and sever his head.
The method of execution was precise as the men had wanted
and a rufescence of red ran as high as the cherry blossoms.

The flow isn't doing enough for me, but I really like how you're incoperating random details that are associated with Japan (ex. cherry blossoms) to add realisim to your story.

The eyes of the many watching turned away in despairfat wife
as he died for the very doctrine that they were too scared.

"too cared" ... to what??? Yeah, I'm nitpicking. I follow your train of thought, but the line reads incomplete.

The dictatorship shared a maniacal laugh at the top of their lungs
which remained in the air until the return of our prodigal son.

Dope.

The loss of his loved one weighed heavy as the kasa on his head
it wasn't enough wanting them dead,fat wifehe had to have his revenge.
Samurai meant "Those who served," in its correct term so
it was time he handed the men a dish best served cold!

Using the word "served" twice in the manner that you did took away from the flow. I feel like this entire section could be reworded to better deliver more impact via your end rhymes.

The sunset burned overhead as he veered the arid plains
until our expert ronin finally neared their palisades.
The fear that captivated him crossing swords with the henchmen
appeared to have abated having turned his thoughts to redemption.

The wording, inners, pacing and overall scheme displayed here was stellar.

He saw them beheading his father without any remorse
so nothing short of their death is enough to settle the score.
His weapon was drawn from the sheath that housed its intent
as he head into war both outnumbered, and out for revenge!
There were thousands of them against just him on his own
but he wasn't about to surrender, Samurai of principle don't.

Dope. The story is engaging and the character's motive is believable. I can feel the sense of rage and the longing for revenge.

the sadistic Shinobi clan were a disgrace to 'The Way'
while he lived by the code of honor he would take to the grave.
In the face of his greatest adversity, he fought to the end,
even as wave after wave of wakizashi brought him to death.
The stories of legend remember him in the bushido adage to scholars:
"It's more than just strength that makes a man. A man must have honour.

Solid ending.

Okay, so this was like watching a movie. I could easily envision so much of what you wrote, to the point that there were times I forgot I was even reading. I think you had a lot of prestine detail and, as usual, your vocabulary was true to the time-period and setting. Either you are really into the history of the Samurai or you did some serious homework pre-battle. Whatever the case maybe, I enjoyed reading your verse because it was a teleporting experience. I was there -- somewhere in the crowd of unlookers watching the chaos unfold.

However, like NY, you had a couple of spots of inconsistent and or flat areas of flow that reduced the fluidity and impact of certain lines. I know plot progression is the primary priority when it comes to story based topicals and, I'm well aware that both of you guys can rhyme outrageously when you want to -- but still -- I just wish you would have taken some time to up the liquidity of your scheme just a tad bit throughout.


Voting on this battle is really hard, because from a novel-esque perspective you both delivered high quality verses. Even from a mechanical position you both dropped an A- piece. I only mentioned the gripes I had with your flows, because finding tiny flaws, are unfortunately the nature of voting on a topical battle. In any regard, I think this vote comes down to preference and entertainment. More so than it does to who displayed the better writing skill or technique. And with that said I'm going to go with Diablo.

Reason: You both displayed a high level of world-building skill. Each incoperated authentic detail and lingo relative to their universe/topic and I love both genres, but in this particular instance Lars' pieces captivated my imagination just a little bit more. I think mainly due to my affinity and appreciate of ancient Japanese culture. I've always had a fascination with that region of the map and the whole samurai concept, coupled with the picture, really got my mind spinning.

Excellent battle. I picked Diablo but I can see it going either way based on what's written above. Thank for the read guys.

Inno
12-29-2017, 09:08 PM
nycspitz

this was dope, and had a great intro to the setting
the first line was hands down my favourite,

... / So I pray to the war gods and wait for whispers from Mars
and this line was a close second, not sure why but it was cool.

... but I can see the same trap / ... 30 percent brain cap
imo this was the weakest line, but not even this lost me.

unless I missed it, I wish it had touched on the cat :D
other than that, solid piece.
the only thing it has going against it (for me) is I dislike scifi lmao.



diablo
... left a gaping hole in his sibling / ...
the only thing I wanted was a bit more resolution about his sibling.

other than that, cool.
... protecting Dynasty One / ... seemed to rise with the sun
"Dynasty One" was cool, it gave it a sort of weirdly sci-fi touch for half a second
I'm glad you didn't but, you could have explored that I think.

... / ...knife-edge his life was balanced upon
nice.

... turned away in despair / ... doctrine that they were too scared
weakest line imo. I don't understand the second part of it and it had me stuck for a second.




all in all, two really good writers. I think NYC had some better imagery/set-up and Diablo had better flow (both of the piece and to the story).

I read both like four times
mvgt NYCSPITZ cuz I liked some of the lines more

Mr. J
12-30-2017, 08:23 PM
NYC, After seeing this posted in the OM it stays fresh in my memory.
I enjoyed the way that you painted this picture & brought the concept together.
truly a feat that deserves its merits when taking into consideration how well it unravels.
I thought the most interesting points lied within the surrounding components
the opening is what caught my attention right off the bat. very well done imo.
then as the story carries on I start to blend in with the story and take in the sights.
it is like I am shaken awake & playing catch up with the world as it has become.


The tattoos on my body - homage to a tribe that I miss from afar
a lineage somewhere in time along this prism of ours
There was a native tribe known for their wisdom of words
Back when humanity was localized around a singular star
So I pray to the war gods and wait for whispers from Mars
and tip the balance away from evil and the cynical herd
As I stare at my face floating over the glint of my purse…

the section quoted above reminds me of Philip K Dick as I progress through it
your choice in descriptive words really draws a reader in & paints some vivid surroundings.
this whole piece feels like one could capitalize on it by crafting more to the story.

Diablo, After getting through the journey NYC took me on and reading yours...I had to dwell on both verses.
both of you came correct & its only the third week? or is it the 4th? I honestly cant remember.
regardless as I read your verse I imagine how this all unravels in your mind.
the fact that you are able to craft such work sometimes on short notice is very admirable.
its such a different approach that you bring that it really is hard to compare both pieces
NYC went for a futuristic approach while you dwell more in the past which works to your advantage.
you have a sturdy foundation to pull out idea after idea & pound it into place.
I can dig the vibe that you bring forth because your flow is pretty much always on point.
you dont hiccup which is easy for most delivering the amount of work you continue to churn out.
the most impressive part is that you always seem to keep your lines balanced out without much filler.
your story is one that everyone can dive into and expect to be guided along without losing their place.

The dictatorship shared a maniacal laugh at the top of their lungs
which remained in the air until the return of our prodigal son.
The loss of his loved one weighed heavy as the kasa on his head
it wasn't enough wanting them dead, he had to have his revenge.
Samurai meant "Those who served," in its correct term so
it was time he handed the men a dish best served cold!
The sunset burned overhead as he veered the arid plains
until our expert ronin finally neared their palisades.
The fear that captivated him crossing swords with the henchmen
appeared to have abated having turned his thoughts to redemption.

at points like this you really showcase your ability to work in rhymes that work.
you dont follow the everyday rule of trying to rhyme a certain rhyme a thousand times.
you just roll onto the next line while devising where the words fall into place.
a very veteran approach. nice work...

v/to be honest this is one of the better battles Ive read in the AOWL since the league first started popping off.
I cant remember when I started competing in this to recall who impressed me most back then, but this has me feeling all nostalgic.
which makes sense because both of you have been around for a long time.
its like watching 2 legends in the making go head to head and the season has barely started.
it saddens me knowing that such material is dropped so early & has the least amount of votes.
both of you deserve more recognition than this, I am actually glad that both of you were able to drop....

anyway enough of that...down to the vote, I have read this a few times actually but have given it my undivided attention as of now.
Ive had time to rest on the idea of both verses & find it to be one of the most difficult decisions.
both of you have worked towards crafting these worlds together that most would just waste an easy topic on.
you both went above and beyond and have the ability to craft a story out of thin air.
both differ in their choice of wording & the flow of each piece is on point and makes me question everyone elses inability to drop in the time allotted.
...anyway. Im not going to lie I loved both verses but in terms of who took the cake here its based on personal preferences.
what takes it for me would be originality, which NYC has done better here imo.
I felt the whole idea he brought to the table really sold me over. although I felt dropping it in the OM might have hurt him if Im being completely honest.
the good thing about it is that its memorable, the whole vibe just sticks with you.
as for Diablo, his piece came off as a well documented battle that many can relate to.
the whole story he brought to the table was one that would make a writer reconsider their flow.
he is one of the few that can rattle off 40+ lines and make it seem so fluid.
if this battle were about dedication I would have definitely given it to him for keeping up such work throughout most of the season.
but Im going to side with NYC this time around due to how his piece panned out.
the futuristic vibe had me caught up in a world very few can pull out of thin air.

v/NYC, great battle fellas

MMLP
12-31-2017, 11:02 AM
NYC - Nice verse, liked the science fiction even though I'm not a great fan usually. The flow was pretty smooth in places i have to admit but lines were long a lot of the time, also the rhyming annoyed me in a few spots because it didnt match up phonetically in quite a few spots and made it jar and read awkwardly which interupted the flow for me personally. I couldn't get past that. It put a dent in what was essentially a good verse, and I liked the references throughout but it ended a bit...flat tbh. Didn't really go anywhere after all the build up... I duno, those r the two real main gripes for me.

Diablo: solid verse from baron on the Samurai warrior take, not seen you go that route before, it's something NYC usually goes lol anyway flow was nice as always, no hiccups, which really appeals to me, maybe as a more casual reader of these. rhyming was so subtle in places n harder to spot n makes it more challenging in a very good way. All this whilst maintaining comprehendable content. Way too many ppl sleep on what your actually rhyming. It reads like a completed game of Tetris which was extraordinary to me - just rhymes on top of rhymes, rhyming the entire line pretty much throughout my crazy. U know how much I try to emulate it haha

I enjoyed both reads but id go with diablNYC - Nice verse, liked the science fiction even though I'm not a great fan usually. The flow was pretty smooth in places i have to admit but lines were long a lot of the time, also the rhyming annoyed me in a few spots because it didnt match up phonetically in quite a few spots and made it jar and read awkwardly which disturbed the flow for me personally. I couldn't get past that. It put a dent in what was essentially a good verse, and I liked the references throughout but it ended a bit flat tbh. Didn't really go anywhere after all the build up.

Diablo: solid verse baron on the Samurai warrior take, not seen you go that route before, it's something NYC usually goes LOL anyway flow was nice as always, no hiccups, which really appeals to me at least, maybe as a more casual reader of these. rhyming was so subtle in places n harder to spot n makes it more challenging in a very good way. Way too many ppl sleep on what your actually rhyming. It reads like a completed game of Tetris which was extraordinary to me - just rhymes on top of rhymes, rhyming the entire line pretty much throughout my crazy. U know how much I try to emulate it haha

I enjoyed both reads but i got eminems biggest fan Diablo for this. Slightly more satisfied upon finishing his verse more

dull boy
12-31-2017, 05:25 PM
This was obvious. Diablo won this easy. NYC crafted the kind of story a lackluster high school student produces. It wasn’t ALL bad, but it was lazy. The rhyming read as if it were just tacked on to the end of the lines. There wasn’t a very steady rhythm.

Diablo that was pretty good.

asylum
01-01-2018, 10:26 AM
Darkness and cunning are deep in his soul, lurking within
Taking planets in hostile fashion on the burst of a whim
Leaving members of the populace to nurse with their jinn
In lieu of death or exile, they choose to curse in the wind…
He’s planted seeds in this city, but I can see the same trap
There’s denial; even after we've evolved to 30 percent brain cap
...Still remember the takeover when I was just a little girl in a home
Their demonic insignias - a world of pearls and of bones
Experimented on my parents, somewhere in the firmament’s throes
When they died, I knew at once; now a girl was alone
So I excelled in academics, athletics and speech at their schools
and went along with that indoctrinating reason of fools

I feel like this was the strongest segment of the piece. Great work from a great author, shaking off the dust but dropping a well told, enthralling tale. Looking to seeing more from him this season.

diablo
The sunset burned overhead as he veered the arid plains
until our expert ronin finally neared their palisades.
The fear that captivated him crossing swords with the henchmen
appeared to have abated having turned his thoughts to redemption.
He saw them beheading his father without any remorse
so nothing short of their death is enough to settle the score.
His weapon was drawn from the sheath that housed its intent
as he head into war both outnumbered, and out for revenge!
There were thousands of them against just him on his own
but he wasn't about to surrender, Samurai of principle don't.
The sadistic Shinobi clan were a disgrace to 'The Way'
while he lived by the code of honor he would take to the grave.[/quote]

I think this was amazing. very solid quote here from diablo, not familiar with ur work or if this is a new alias but kudos to you sir.

mvgt diablo this week, his piece didn'it have any hiccups and was absolutely enthralling. NYC lacked development, not sure he expected this performance from his opponent. good battle, great reads from both. thanks.

Diablo
01-01-2018, 10:32 AM
good battle @nyc

hope you stick around

Inno
01-01-2018, 01:03 PM
Diablo wins