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View Full Version : Week III: Mr. J vs Objective[OBJ WINS]


Inno
12-12-2017, 10:10 PM
http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 8

Verses are due SATURDAY at 11:59

Voting ends MONDAY at 11:59

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

Mr. J Objective

Goodluck!

Mr. J
12-13-2017, 01:47 AM
there's little else to hope for, aside from this moment

Carbonated soft drinks rest on the dinner tray table.
try to fix the reception when I move those grey cables.
better storytellers that can spin a great fable.
bring the wine out, crumbling that Gorgonzola.
catch that process quick, start going raw on sofas
some sort of sorcerer that leaves honey in a trance
when microwaved the snack gets runny & damn...
whats that smell bae? like...is your health straight.
you know it felt great, but you know what else..eh?
never mind the consequence, some say its a common thing.
your stature goes from confident & then sort of sinks..
you swore the drinks the did the thing, then the weed.
but this is the third time early into the second week.
you get dressed & think that this is some sort of mental thing.
but now you worried that somehow you underperforming.
how is this possible? whats gone wrong with this poor thing...
thoughts race every second now you feeling like Space Jam
the feelings of inferiority sink in, sex life of the Jason mask.
how to stay on track becomes an everyday outcome.
now you answer ads sent specifically to your email
companies that swear by their product to please females
the details seem to real to be true so why not?
where can I correct this path that Im on?
Can I better my situation by this one simple trick?
the reviewers claim that it works with little risk.
a few days go by & now you feel like you ready to perform
but you should have paid attention & studied the form.
if the pill is taken daily you dont succumb to seizures
no...for 48 hours you are going to suffer from diarrhea
getting laid is getting harder to do aint that some shit?

Objective
12-17-2017, 11:57 AM
“Perspective from your broken heart”

A stable environment isn't where my fire went,
I was eight when sanity left for early retirement.
My requirement for comfort IS stacked with hate and profanity,
violence and vanity mixed with lack of faith in humanity.
The fundamental support was for sport but that was normality,
a calamity of sorts that high wired me to a fake sense of reality.
I state my mind angrily from the wits of hard to find anguish,
as emotions resemble anarchy the result of bad parenting is what I brandish.

Ready to fight any night as a sick/mean bitch-king at sixteen,
I don't hit queens or pre-teens ......... (that shit was HIS thing.)
Unless my wrists are observed I'm hardly reserved,
I make sure any pervs or the nerds get the words they deserve.
With a rep to preserve I got nerves to protect my living image,
this world is too bold & with respect to uphold I'm being timid.
If I'm consistent and cold I'll survive by staying persistent
with resistance to judgment & nothing to lose cus I'm already distant.
For instance I got dues to my friends that are playing pretend, like;
''I got your backs (... for bucks)''.
We just aim our defense right,
and lack of trust is just that for us.

I'm playing my cards but faking is hard,
my ego is breaking, I'm aching and scarred.
I'm taking it far yet my peers keep raising the bar,
are they outpacing or racing by hazing the star?
Got caught raging and flaking to rake in the tar,
so I'm staging the baiting and wait from afar.
...
Shit, he sees me and exits the poor excuse of a car:
''You got weed or a hit you could borrow, or nah?''
It's kind of bizarre but I charge with my might,
and look at the scene after winning the fight.
He coughs up some blood and wipes off the mud,
yells: ''what the fuck cus', I thought we were buds!''
Calms down for a second and gets off his buzz,
he's too tired to fight so I guess that's a plus.
''I know 'bout your past but look what you did,
you're so insecure you beat me for joking and shit.
You're too broken for this and a friend I will miss,
but is this what I get from taking your piss?''
I'm holding back tears but can't state my regret,
if I clear out my fears I'm knee deep in debt.
I turn my back to walk and try to stay strong,
my play was all wrong but life will go on...

NYCSPITZ
12-24-2017, 09:29 PM
This was a cool clash of two topical veterans, some cool lines and J came with the usual odd sort of humor that he brings...I thought Mr.J developed a character decently, sort of leaving a lot to the imagination but I got the sense of a lost soul running through life's emotional ups and downs with some skill and fulfillment in the moment, but accompanied by a sort of recklessness that doesn't bode well for long term health and happiness on the death bed. It was a cool read, I felt some lines were out of place and random such as the sex life of a jason mask. I don't get it, just seemed a bit weird but overall it was signature Mr. J and I enjoyed reading a piece from a topical veteran after so much time away from netcees personally.

Objective you could really see your thought process at work here just from your prior general discussion posts and topical chat posts. It seemed to me like the character was a hyperbolic form of your own self to an extent, with some moments and details that accentuate some flows and lines of life which your particular life reflects. I could see the sort of tension in the psyche between goodness and cynicism, that cynicism being, to an extent, a sort of safeguard against the recklessness and cynicism of others. The psychosis starting as a child thing was pretty cool, reminded me of James Bond cuz I just watched skyfall. The exchange with your friend at the end didn't strike me as dialogue that would occur in a real life situation but it did explain the state of such a situation pretty well. I thought both of you guys could've ended it on a bit of a stronger note, you both started strong and ended with a little less umph. However I did enjoy both pieces and would like to point out favorite lines from both

J: never mind the consequence, some say its a common thing.
your stature goes from confident & then sort of sinks..
you swore the drinks the did the thing, then the weed.
but this is the third time early into the second week.

It's the psychology of a laissez-faire dharma bum living in the moment and I like the raw masculine power of that. It's something that's always to be admired for what it is, whether or not you're in that stage of life, looking up to it as a goal, or with a smile in the rearview mirror

Objective:

A stable environment isn't where my fire went,
I was eight when sanity left for early retirement.
My requirement for comfort IS stacked with hate and profanity,
violence and vanity mixed with lack of faith in humanity.
The fundamental support was for sport but that was normality,
a calamity of sorts that high wired me to a fake sense of reality.
I state my mind angrily from the wits of hard to find anguish,
as emotions resemble anarchy the result of bad parenting is what I brandish.

This was my favorite section of your verse, although I felt the fundamental support line was a little off. I like this because it's the experience of so many human beings and I think you capture the key notes to that experience with the paragraph. I'm not really one for grammar, spelling, past--pluperfect and all that stupid bullshit, but I get the feeling that despite being written in first person there was a sort of touch of the omniscient narrative in it as you describe understanding the basic mechanics behind being "high wired for a fake sense of reality" (great line imho) your character is still grappling with the trace of moving mentally in a particularly narrow and perhaps perverse perspective at a young age. Despite knowing this, much of your character's actions are still rooted in the "fake sense of reality", but he is mentally struggling to break free of that (crying at the end after punching his friend). Nice piece imo a lot to bite into here...

In the end I thought both came with pretty cool peices, I thought you could both be a little more consistent and word things more precisely at times but all in all it was a cool read. This time I think Objective fleshed out his character a little more and therefore he gets my vote...thanks for the read fellas, always a pleasure.

V/ Obj

Diablo
12-25-2017, 08:15 AM
lmao I've already PM'd my vote to Inno

are we not doing that anymore?

ACTIVATE SELF
12-28-2017, 08:22 AM
Mr. J

Carbonated soft drinks rest on the dinner tray table.
try to fix the reception when I move those grey cables.
better storytellers that can spin a great fable.
bring the wine out, crumbling that Gorgonzola.
catch that process quick, start going raw on sofas

I feel you did a great job setting the scene. Your writing thus far has been pretty descriptive. Visual. Not foggy or hard for me to make out. I can pretty much see it all without having to overwork my imagination. So, props for letting your words speak for themselve. I think the tiny details like the word "carbonated" or the part about crumbling cheese are what really bring life to your story. Also, your pacing is on point. Very fluid and clean lines.

some sort of sorcerer that leaves honey in a trance
when microwaved the snack gets runny & damn...

"damn" seems kind of lazy. Like filler or a placeholder for a better adjective you didn't think of. Not a huge deal by any means, but it caught my eye.

whats that smell bae? like...is your health straight.
you know it felt great, but you know what else..eh?

Both fluid and natural wording.

never mind the consequence, some say its a common thing.
your stature goes from confident & then sort of sinks..
you swore the drinks the did the thing, then the weed.

"the drinks the did the thing"? I'm guessing the bold is a typo? Something about that doesn't read correctly. As for the actual content though, I dig how you're bringing the reader into the metal head space of the character.

but this is the third time early into the second week.
you get dressed & think that this is some sort of mental thing.
but now you worried that somehow you underperforming.
how is this possible? whats gone wrong with this poor thing...
thoughts race every second now you feeling like Space Jam
the feelings of inferiority sink in, sex life of the Jason mask.

This is dope because I briefly had a similar episode in my own life -- for like a month (cause: sleep deprivation and diet). So everything you're saying is super legit. You're doing a great job expressing these ideas via rhyming. For the most part, everything reads clean and clear and genuine in perspective. However, if I had to nitpick, I'd point to the Jason Mask part. I'm assuming it's a metaphor meant to describe a "dead" sex life, but I'm not 100% on that, because it's not exactly as clear as I think it could have been. But, other than that, I dig this section.

how to stay on track becomes an everyday outcome.
now you answer ads sent specifically to your email
companies that swear by their product to please females
the details seem to real to be true so why not?
where can I correct this path that Im on?
Can I better my situation by this one simple trick?
the reviewers claim that it works with little risk.
a few days go by & now you feel like you ready to perform
but you should have paid attention & studied the form.
if the pill is taken daily you dont succumb to seizures
no...for 48 hours you are going to suffer from diarrhea
getting laid is getting harder to do aint that some shit?

You articulated your concept well, but I feel like you got very relaxed with your rhyming. It started to read more like a blog than a topical.

As a whole I think your verse is very fluid. You don't have much filler. You had good detailing and imagery. The humor was there. The concept was original (erectile dysfunction, smh) and the angst that your character endured was believable.

imo, your only drawback was that your mechanics didn't really offer any thrills. The scheme you used was a safe one and sometimes your flow was a little lacklustered.

Nice verse though. I enjoyed reading it.

Objective

A stable environment isn't where my fire went,
I was eight when sanity left for early retiremen

Dope.

My requirement for comfort IS stacked with hate and profanity,
violence and vanity mixed with lack of faith in humanity.

Your content is substantial, but thus far it's your scheme/wording that has impressed me the most. You have zero filler and every word seems to fit in place perfectly like pieces to a puzzle.

The fundamental support was for sport but that was normality,
a calamity of sorts that high wired me to a fake sense of reality.
I state my mind angrily from the wits of hard to find anguish,
as emotions resemble anarchy the result of bad parenting is what I brandish.

Again, the wording is on point. I'm loving your lyrical vernacular, but the content isn't giving me much to get excited about. There's not enough imagery. No visuals or scene setting moments to suck me into the read. I realize it's more of an inner-dialogue and exposition, than it is a concrete story, but I at least need some clever metaphors or some wordplay if you're gonna go that route. Mechanically speaking though, your technique is top-tier.

Ready to fight any night as a sick/mean bitch-king at sixteen,
I don't hit queens or pre-teens .........fat wife(that shit wasfat wifeHISfat wifething.)
Unless my wrists are observed I'm hardly reserved,
I make sure any pervs or the nerds get the words they deserve.
With a rep to preserve I got nerves to protect my living image,
this world is too bold & with respect to uphold I'm being timid.
If I'm consistent and cold I'll survive by staying persistent
with resistance to judgment & nothing to lose cus I'm already distant.
For instance I got dues to my friends that are playing pretend, like;
''I got your backs (... for bucks)''.
We just aim our defense right,
and lack of trust is just that for us.

Fuck. Maybe I should eat my words? Your wording, flow and syllable count are damn near flawless. The scheme is complex and rolls off the tongue nicely. The imagery is sparse; but gotdamn, sometimes you have to substitute one thing for the other, eh? I say that because I feel your mechanics are fucking highlights in and of themselves. Man, I'm really enjoying your transitional flow.

I'm playing my cards but faking is hard,
my ego is breaking, I'm aching and scarred.
I'm taking it far yet my peers keep raising the bar,
are they outpacing or racing by hazing the star?
Got caught raging and flaking to rake in the tar,
so I'm staging the baiting and wait from afar.
...
Shit, he sees me and exits the poor excuse of a car:
''You got weed or a hit you could borrow, or nah?''
It's kind of bizarre but I charge with my might,
and look at the scene after winning the fight.
He coughs up some blood and wipes off the mud,
yells: ''what the fuck cus', I thought we were buds!''
Calms down for a second and gets off his buzz,
he's too tired to fight so I guess that's a plus.
''I know 'bout your past but look what you did,
you're so insecure you beat me for joking and shit.
You're too broken for this and a friend I will miss,
but is this what I get from taking your piss?''
I'm holding back tears but can't state my regret,
if I clear out my fears I'm knee deep in debt.
I turn my back to walk and try to stay strong,
my play was all wrong but life will go on...

I gotcha. So essentially you gave us a backstory and built up the mental trauma to bring context and relevance to your climax. Interesting.

Okay, so, I was obviously a fan of your writing style. Your flow was butter the entire read. It flowed so well that I was able to go from start to finish without hardly having to stop and take a breath.

imo, the only think you could of had more of is imagery. You had a suitable amount in the end, but the rest of the verse was lacking in that department. Had you incorporated more visuals, while still keeping the same level of flow complexity, this piece would have been legendary.

As it stands... it was still pretty damn dope.

Vote -- Objective


Reason: I think both of you guys shined where the other lacked. Mr. J had a highly original story full of great details and imagery. But, his flow -- although well paced and constructed -- wasn't as consistent as his opponent's was. I think what tipped the scales in Objective's favor was how impressive his mechanics were. He had a good story. Not as desctiptive as J's, but still entertaing and on par. When you couple that with the technique he displayed it kind of edges things in his column. At least for me it did.

This was a really fun battle. A clash of two heavyweights, where the real winner was the reader.

Inno
12-29-2017, 09:05 PM
Diablo for the sake of the league I guess not lol.


Mr J

like, I don't know how to feed your stuff cuz I can't tell if you're just fucking around or not.
... feeling like Space Jam / ... sex life of the Jason mask.
like... how you gonna end on
getting laid is getting harder to do aint that some shit?

mostly I think it's cuz I like feedbacking specific lines and I don't have much to work with in this piece.
most of the verse is more or less fine I guess but good lord.



Objective
my brain is tired from reading Mr J's

... stacked with hate and profanity, / violence and vanity mixed with lack of faith in humanity.
clean, I really liked this line

this piece was weird to me in a way, it just felt like such a huge change in... everything after the first eight lines.

... like; "I got your backs (... for bucks)". / ... lack of trust is just that for us
was cool, though I had to read it several times to clean it up in my head.

... poor excuse of a car: / ... you could borrow, or nah?
was really cool, that was a great rhyme and like, realistic sequence.
I felt there, up until the next lines took me out of it again (but I'm sure anyone that goes blind rage can connect).

taking your piss
I think it's "taking the piss" so this threw me for a minute trying to figure out if this was about something else lmao, but I got it.

anyways yeah, shifted heavily after the first bit, and got more simple/gut reaction-ish I guess I could say.

mvgt objective

Inno
12-29-2017, 09:05 PM
now you answer ads sent specifically to your email
companies that swear by their product to please females
the details seem to real to be true so why not?
where can I correct this path that Im on?
Can I better my situation by this one simple trick?
the reviewers claim that it works with little risk

LOOOOOL did Mr J just write an open to Genocide on the hazards of buying dick pills onljne? I think he did just that. Beware those side affects, yo! It was hilarious. Fun, entertaining and light hearted take on the subject. He posted super quick this week too which I always enjoy. I wasn't sure if "Little" risk was deliberately ended on because of the small penis theme but it gonna go ahead and give him the benefit of the doubt on that one because I caught it and knowing J is a joker, I'm sure he did it intentionally. Funny verse, a little different from his usual I guess but it delivers none the less. Inno lit a fire in J this week it seems.

Objective: okay so, I don't know if I fully understood what you were going for with this in truth this week? It seemed to be some kind of falling out between friends after one makes some joke and then you kind of had an argument and it didn't get resolved and one walks away from a good friend over something trivial and doesn't attempt to patch things up because... why? It almost ended before the reasoning was given and felt very abrupt and like it was missing a consequence to really deliver to the reader. The story was pretty muddled in fact, it was losing the reader by being so bogged down in an attempt at the more technical side that you lost your way.

Here's an example:

I don't hit queens or pre-teens ......... (that shit was HISthing.)
Unless my wrists are observed I'm hardly reserved,
I make sure any pervs or the nerds get the words they deserve.

I'm not sure if you fully grasp what multies are, actually after reading this? It's not just the same sound of -erve being repeated, they have to match up syllabically. The last line is okay, but the one before has a mismatching of syllables which makes it look like you don't know fully comprehend what you're doing, you know?

It was pretty convuluted, the multies were sometimes unnatural sounding and seemed there for the sake of being there rather than moving the story along and letting it progress - so far from helping, it actually held the verse back to be honest. That's the best I can describe it here. The dialogue too can be difficult to pull off unless it's natural, having entire sections of dialogue and trying to make it rhyme simply doesn't work for these kind of pieces. It's a lesson we've all tried and learned from, so I'm sure people will recognise that, but I'm just trying to give you some pointers to improve upon here. I know it seems a tad harsh but that's not my intention, my intention is for you to learn and grow and get better but I can maybe see why you vote how you do more now. Anyway, long story short, this was a style clash. Mr J was the smoother, comical, direct piece in terms of flow and content while Objective reached for the higher fruit of technicality and mechanics but fell a little short in the execution and delivery for me. That's why I gave this to J.