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View Full Version : Week IV: Diablo vs Asylum[DIABLO WINS]


Inno
01-01-2018, 01:18 PM
http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 8

Verses are due FRIDAY at 11:59

Voting ends MONDAY at 11:59

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

Diablo vs asylum


Goodluck!

Diablo
01-01-2018, 05:45 PM
Best of luck

asylum
01-06-2018, 08:18 AM
Diablo req extension on our battle until tomorrow night.

jan 7 11:59pm

my bad fam

Diablo
01-06-2018, 10:24 AM
I'm cool with an ext for real, I just don't see how Sunday 11.59 would work though because that would also mean pushing the voting back and then next weeks battles would have to be pushed back as well? Lol

I mean it's up to Innovator obviously but I think that's why he's only allowed the extensions until 11.59pm tonight

asylum
01-08-2018, 12:15 AM
become what you're afraid to be,
the only face you're ashamed to see.
is your own in the mirror staring back painfully.
Beg God for clearer sight and see the world shamelessly.
What's to gain and who's the crook?
Thoughts explained are often truth overlooked.
Took for granted last chances turn to frozen moments in time,
“I thought I was fine but got lost in the motion,” ends in shrine.
Hear the thud of an albatross on an ocean frozen over,
that’s your sense of right and wrong when you’re no longer sober.
Four leaved clovers attached know and dispatch,
throw down the hatch and stroll down factory lane.
Close to memory. Thrown over hegemony,
in memory of how the sun looked through the clouds.
Grown over by plants in a sense, depressive sensory,
eclectic memories throw you into oceans of knowledge.
The notions acknowledged. Clasp your hands behind your back,
suspend your spine in time while your punishments exacted,
it’s fact kid. Bite you in the mind like an arachnid,
wake up in lake placid choking on moss and dirt.
This whole time.. I thought my thoughts weren’t heard..
I’ll kill you first.

Diablo
01-08-2018, 02:14 AM
https://preview.ibb.co/hWWQ6b/IMG_6662.jpg


The memories he treasures aren't even his own;
just sentiments collected from the Breathers below.
Being a robotoid, Quark was more than advanced,
but to feel an emotion was beyond his borgian grasp.
A law has been passed by The Omniversal Rulers of Time
that ordered the snatching of iMotion's a re-bootable crime!
The units A.I couldn't compute their petty reasons why
as the humans he mined the minds of, never seemed to mind.
Now the Megacities rife with its cybernetic conglomerate
and many Breathers trying to trade credits for consciousness.
Some sellers were profiting though, with a vast margin,
with synthetic anamnesis being sold on the black market.
So knowing who'd had hardship was the same as with drug abuse
only the brass-hearted junkbots ever paid for the substitute.
Quark favoured impulsive purity and that raw emotion
over those tailored to look anew by manumorphing moments.
His drive shafts were always open to talk of where to find
a cash-strapped source resolved to giving all at any price.
As he walked the dead of night of the Wider Web that evening
he took a call that energised the very fibres of his being.
"Hi," he zerked. "Good evening, Quark" the automaton zapped
"Did you find what I'm in need ovf?" he robotically rasped.
"I've got what you azked for." vizzed the voice on the dataline
as Quark's conduit channels clack "Holopoint me a place and time!"
The droid had arranged arrival with immediate haste
so Quark loitered the gates of Site X to complete the exchange.
He imagined a Breather's sensations to be truly phenomenal
and longed to feel the whole range of iMotions humanly possible!
He zoomed in his optical lenses a further fifty percent
toward the movement he'd spotted in the distance ahead.
Quark signalled a sensory message to confirm it was him
and the sibylline sectorbot sent an affirmative ping!
Both whirred to a whimsical halt and turned down their batteries
Quark zurzed "Did you bring them?" from his mouth mechanically.
"I did," zowked the zanobeing with feverish zeal
as Quark's intrabrowser scans the piece to see if it's real.
His vehicle wheels start to spin with ecstatic excitement
but as the deals being sealed, he hears the scramble of sirens!
A flashing of vibrant lights happened too quick to have caught on
as the schemer standing beside him transformed into a Law Bot!
"This is a foregone concluzion," the bulwark buzzed with content
"We've transcriptz of your thought logs, Quark. You're under arrezt."
The punishment meant he was to be completely re-booted
until nothing was left of the memory he was so keen on consuming.
The policebot produces its holobadge as its helmet retracts
and Quark began to feel pretty stupid that he'd fell for the trap.
But he'd felt something tangible and was now ready to die
by welcoming that great Blue Screen Of Death in the sky.


https://preview.ibb.co/e7DcKw/IMG_6661.jpg

King Ra.
01-08-2018, 11:54 PM
Greetings gentlemen, it's been awhile.

This here seems like a very lopsided battle. Diablo's script immediately captured my attention from the beginning as I found his use of very descriptive storytelling very appealing. He clearly had set a foundation in the telling of a futuristic world where robots lived/ruled I assume but I would say I really liked how the story focused on this one scenario, because Diablo was able to really hone in on putting the right details together, like the little conversations between Quark and the other automaton, the use of "z's" thrown here and there to really emphasize that there are robots conversing. He gave us a world, some characters and an overall well written story. Asylum, on the other hand, in comparison to Diablo's piece was a bit lackluster. Where we read a complete, fleshed out story on the one end, we get a much simpler to the point perspective, that wasn't necessarily bad, but maybe could have been better with a bit more clearer direction. The first couple lines were pretty good to open the verse but after that I felt Asylum trailed off the further I went into his piece. I liked some of the connections like "oceans of knowledge/notions acknowledged" but "ends in shrine"/"it's fact kid" were the little pieces that kind of took away from the overall feel of the read.

MVGT: Diablo.

Good job gentlemen.

Ender
01-09-2018, 12:01 AM
Shorter votes from now on, ha ha!

Asylum
The mechanics of this piece were extremely solid. I particularly appreciated all the multis and inners that made the flow as smooth as butter.
As far as the content goes, I found it a little unclear, but my interpretation was that the piece was about a man who has been caught for committing a crime (perhaps related to drunkeness if the line about not being sober is literal) and is contemplating what has led him to that moment, before his execution. It is possible that interpretation is way off, but that is what I took from this.
I liked the style of writing and the rhyme and the flow. But I would have preferred if the content had been just a shade clearer and more direct, as I was left wondering if I really understood the piece or if I was just grasping at straws.

Diablo
This piece also had solid mechanics. It used assonance rather than pure rhyme to create some multis. There was an occasional use of inner rhymes but it wasn't consistent. Still fairly good though.
The content is where this piece really shines. The concept of emotionless beings (in this case robots) leeching emotions off humans is an interesting one and I don't remember having seen it used in topicals before. The use of some invented vocabulary really added to the science-fiction aesthetic and helped with the world-building, which was another strength of the piece. As far as suggestions for improvement go, I would spend more time on characterisation and defining the social structures (are the ruling class humans or robots or both?). But I really enjoyed this.

Comparison
Asylum had the slight edge in mechanics in my view, with purer multis and more inner rhyming. However I found Diablo's content far more engaging, with a much clearer story and more interesting concept, so I give the edge to Diablo here.

Vote - Diablo

Inno
01-09-2018, 07:16 AM
Asylum: Cool and short piece but I have no idea what your topic were. Because of this it's very hard to really feed anything. The flow was decent, a bit choppy at times but not a big issue at all. Some cool lines here and there. Can't say more than that without having more to go off of, like the topic you chose or something.

Diablo: Dope pic and the first 4 lines dives you straight into it. You write very vivid sci-fi piece in great detail, the flow flows off the tongue as you go and the story just comes along with it beautifully. The story is filled with rather dark light-hearted humor taking stabs at society today with depth and colorful characters. Your piece definitely fulfill the purpose of both of those pics you chose and I smiled at the closure. Solid fucking piece.

Vote: Diablo.

Inno
01-09-2018, 07:17 AM
asylum
don't have much to say about this verse honestly. I think the triple "memories" threw me for a loop or something.
almost dope line:
... oceans of knowledge / the notion's acknowledged...
could have been clean af and it was decent but it just felt out of place amongst the rest.
the ending was... cool but out of the blue for me. probably cuz I didn't know what your topic was.

diablo
holy shit is this gonna be it? mb I ain't sleeping you ain't gotta pm me about it lmao
last week I stated I can't get into sci-fi and you walked a really dope line here, you didn't push past the point of disbelief and I stayed focused the entire read. the onomatopoeia and strong use of audio sensories made the FUCK out of this piece.
dope lines:
uhhhh fuck off lemme do the only NOT dope line.
The units A.I couldn't compute their petty reasons why / as the humans he mined the minds of, never seemed to mind.
I minded.

line of the verse:
Quark signalled a sensory message to confirm it was him / and the sibylline sectorbot sent an affirmative ping!

shame you were against a verse I didn't vibe with at ALL, maybe we could have gone another week of you thinking I'm a hater.
mvgt diablo

Mr. J
01-09-2018, 08:14 PM
Asylum, nice to see you back, I thought your verse was pretty smooth
havent lost your touch but your choice in topic has left me confused.
i dont know what you are going for and thats what scares me at the end of the day.
maybe because I can see what you are trying to do but it didnt pan out so well.
perhaps if you extended on your piece I would have a better grasp on it.
about lines 4 through 8 I start to enjoy it because of how you toy with the flow.
but then some of it seems to turn into a misguided concept that should be chopped
either way I felt this was pretty well done to come off of during a hiatus..

Diablo, Every week it seems you come up with a fresh new concept to bring to the table.
its not often you see someone do that, after last weeks battle I hoped youd bring some heat.
this was a cool drop, the flow is always concise when you drop as well.
I am not one for dialogue but you have a pretty good grasp on what you are trying to convey.
I think the interesting part is where you touch on some wording that people rarely think of.
which adds to your ability of dropping so rapidly, I really enjoyed the rasped/zapped idea.
dope verse.

v/Im going to have to give this one to Diablo.
the bulk of his verse surpassed what asylum pulled off in his
I enjoyed both verses though

ACTIVATE SELF
01-09-2018, 09:04 PM
asylum:

become what you're afraid to be,
the only face you're ashamed to see.
is your own in the mirror staring back painfully.

Okay, your wording is crisp. Your flow is smooth and your diction has grabbed my attention. Let's continue ...

Beg God for clearer sight and see the world shamelessly.
What's to gain and who's the crook?fat wife
Thoughts explained are often truth overlooked.

Your syntax makes your statement sound way more profound that it actually is. I give you props for delivering such a simple line with hard hitting impact. It's really a gift to be honest. But, if we are in fact being honest here, then I have to admit, I'm not exactly sure how a "thought explained" equates to a "truth overlooked". It just seems that if it's being explained then it can't really be all that overlooked. Furthermore, what relevance are these vaguely described thoughts to these vaguely described truths you speak of?

Took for granted last chances turn to frozen moments in time,
“I thought I was fine but got lost in the motion,” ends in shrine.

The "ends in shrine" bit is worded somewhat awkwardly. Like maybe it should read "that ends in a shrine"?

Hear the thud of an albatross on an ocean frozen over,

Sick. I love the imagery here. It's dark, gruesome and has a very visceral vibe to it.

that’s your sense of right and wrong when you’re no longer sober.
Four leaved clovers attached know and dispatch,

I can't make sense of that.

throw down the hatch and stroll down factory lane.
Close to memory. Thrown over hegemony,

+1 for vocabulary. "Hegemony" is a word that is hardly ever used in topical writing.

in memory of how the sun looked through the clouds.
Grown over by plants in a sense, depressive sensory,
eclectic memories throw you into oceans of knowledge.

Your inner scheme is dope. Your end rhymes could be tighter. However, "eclectic memories" is nice, but man, i wish it would have read "electric" because in combination with the water metaphor (i.e., oceans of knowledge) that would have been really dope.

The notions acknowledged. Clasp your hands behind your back,
suspend your spine in time while your punishments exacted,

That's a dope way to say "stand up straight and face your punishment like a man".

it’s fact kid. Bite you in the mind like an arachnid,
wake up in lake placid choking on moss and dirt.
This whole time.. I thought my thoughts weren’t heard..
I’ll kill you first.

I dig the swag/flexing. "Arachnid", "lake placid", "moss and dirt", were all gucci.

Okay, so as an Open Mic drop this piece would be fire. However, as a topical battle verse I'm not sure if this is gonna cut it. Primarily because I have no clue what any of your lyrics were in referance to. You had no title, no picture and no cohesive theme to make your topic known. Thus, the majority of the verse read like you were flexing your ability to rhyme and turn a phrase. You're clearly nice with the pen. That much is obvious. I just feel you came into this battle on a whim because you had the urge to write, but didn't want to expend a tremendous amount of time crafting an entire story.

Diablo:

The memories he treasures aren't even his own;
just sentiments collected from the Breathers below.
Being a robotoid, Quark was more than advanced,
but tofat wifefeelfat wifean emotion was beyond his borgian grasp.
A law has been passed by The Omniversal Rulers of Time
that ordered the snatching of iMotion's a re-bootable crime!

Okay, so for the last 3wks I've had 2 pieces posted in OM that touched on this very same genera and subject-matter (robot consciousness and artificial intelligence) and I couldn't even get a single reply. That's foul Baron. That's foul Netcees.That's foul as fuck.

With that said this intro is dope and I'm curious to see where this goes.

The units A.I couldn't compute their petty reasons why
as the humans he mined the minds of, never seemed to mind.

Interesting. The play on the word "mind" is an obvious highlight.

Now the Megacities rife with its cybernetic conglomerate
and many Breathers trying to trade credits for consciousness.

I don't get it (yet). Aren't "Breathers" humans? If so, aren't all humans born conscious? I mean, consciousness is what separates life from simply existing. Like the difference between a duck and a stuffed animal of one. In any case, I know you get my point.

Some sellers were profiting though, with a vast margin,
with synthetic anamnesis being sold on the black market.

Okay, let me stop right here. Your vocabulary has been extremely on point. One thing I dig about your writing is that you seem to invest alot of time into makingt sure your lexicon matches the focus of the writing perfectly. In this instance I have to say that your sci-fi lingo is all definitely believable. I'm digging your techy jargon quite a bit.

So knowing who'd had hardship was the same as with drug abuse
only the brass-hearted junkbots ever paid for the substitute.

I love the imagery of the low-level dirty clunkors and your syntax is on point, but I'm not sure what you mean in regards to "substitute".

Wait, oh, okay, I think you're saying the junkbots can only afford second-hand and or recycled thoughts/memories. Lol. That underlying irony is dope as fuck.

Quark favoured impulsive purity and that raw emotionfat wife
over those tailored to look anew by manumorphing moments.

Okay, so what you call "manumorphin", I refer to as transhuman. Same sentiment, different terminology. I can dig it.

His drive shafts were always open to talk of where to find
a cash-strapped source resolved to giving all at any price.
As he walked the dead of night of the Wider Web that eveningfat wife
he took a call that energised the very fibres of his being.
"Hi," he zerked. "Good evening, Quark" the automaton zapped
"Did you find what I'm in need ovf?" he robotically rasped.
"I've got what you azked for." vizzed the voice on the dataline
as Quark's conduit channels clack "Holopoint me a place and time!"

I feel like your rhyming is taking a backseat to your story now. However, I do like you interpetation of robotic voice patterns. I think you should check out my Pinocchio Complex and TDF pieces in the open mic. Our verses share a lot of the same components and qualities.

The droid had arranged arrival with immediate haste
so Quark loitered the gates of Site X to complete the exchange.
He imagined a Breather's sensations to be truly phenomenal
and longed to feel the whole range of iMotions humanly possible!

"Quark" is a cool name for a zoid. I think that "iMotions" is also a pretty cool and relatable way to lable synthetic emotions. Lastly, I can feel the zoid's angst, excitement, curiosity and anxiety that all revolves around it's quest to be "alive".

He zoomed in his optical lenses a further fifty percent

Nice.

toward the movement he'd spotted in the distance ahead.
Quark signalled a sensory message to confirm it was him
and the sibylline sectorbot sent an affirmative ping!
Both whirred to a whimsical halt and turned down their batteries

Reminds me of some Pixar animated robots interacting and spinning out of control. Actually, I think Wall-E and the sphere shaped droid from the new Star Wars movies is what first came to mind. Lol.

Quark zurzed "Did you bring them?" from his mouth mechanically.
"I did," zowked the zanobeing with feverish zeal
as Quark's intrabrowser scans the piece to see if it's real.

Nice.

His vehicle wheels start to spin with ecstatic excitementfat wife
but as the deals being sealed, he hears the scramble of sirens!
A flashing of vibrant lights happened too quick to have caught on
as the schemer standing beside him transformed into a Law Bot!
"This is a foregone concluzion," the bulwark buzzed with contentfat wife
"We've transcriptz of your thought logs, Quark. You're under arrezt."
The punishment meant he was to be completely re-booted
until nothing was left of the memory he was so keen on consuming.
The policebot produces its holobadge as its helmet retracts
and Quark began to feel pretty stupid that he'd fell for the trap.
But he'dfat wifefelt somethingfat wifetangible and was now ready to die
by welcoming that great Blue Screen Of Death in the sky.

I think that's called entrapment.

Okay, dope plot twist and very descriptive language overall. Your rhyming mechanics were on point and your vocab was stellar. The topic you executed was creative, humorous and full of heart. It was definitely my cup of tea. Thus ...

Vote -- Lucifer

For producing a richer and more thought-provoking read.