Week IV: Symetrik vs Innovator[INNO WINS]

[Inno]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 8

Verses are due FRIDAY at 11:59

Voting ends MONDAY at 11:59

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

symetrik vs Innovator


Goodluck!

[symetrik]

ayyyyy check in. you wanna do same topic or just whatever?
Innovator
https://i.imgur.com/r1toUuT.jpg

[Inno]

symetrik

I’m good with that.

[symetrik]

she left a sickened city. left stability and stasis,
the noisy upper Godly serving sermons in their basements,
she only craved simplicity,
a way to shed the skeletons of happily complacent.
and searching for the basics, found the constellation hourglass - the navajo mosaic.
the edge between the desert's end and children learning patience,
the shifting sands and patterns dancing lazily in cadence.
the stepping stones to haven where a lonely, shaken lady rests her feet from off the pavement.
the only place that sojourns know the world is wholly craven,

the California valley's strangely vacant - but she's glad she's on her own.
it's unsettling. the peace - and she never slept this easy in the confines of her home.
waken by the cold - praying for a moment then surrendering her soul,
and gives herself to death - hoping that the sunrise leaves the outline of her bones.
she motions to the crows.

[Inno]

Kaleidoscope eyelids flicker amongst the stars blinking brightly
Along the universal mantle, there in the clouds I wonder idly.
The sky seems wavy like an ocean swaying heavy above me.
While the ground swallows my footsteps as I breath heavy.
Such contrast has my mind livid, twisted in different directions
With a gust of wind to my cheek I get lost in the perspiration.
And with a pebbles whim I trip in mis perception.

I feel the miles climbing but the scenery never changes perspective
The sky still swaying it waves, the winds singing hymns to perfection.
Each tree limb deceptive, moving about in the hues of colors so eclectic.
What do I make of it? It engulfs every inch of my physique
That I can’t even trust the very soul that’s inside me?

Now the waves crash against borders of my own reality’s sanity
Losing grip the hues begin to mesh together with a muddy clarity.
Howling, the winds bite at my back forcing me to my knees,
In that dim brightness I see a light behind the suns gleam.
It’s shine catches my soot cover eyes and I’m no longer blind.

Giving in to the divine...

[Ender]

Symetrik
This verse is quite short, which enabled you to keep a long 'A' rhyme scheme going throughout the whole first stanza. This rhyme scheme allowed a lot of inner rhymes that took advantage of the assonance you were employing. The second stanza was a step down in flow and rhyme but still pretty good. This time using a long 'O' rhyme scheme which gave the opportunity to use assonance in the same way as in the first stanza, but I didn't see as many inner rhymes employed in the lines. Those inner rhymes work well with your style, given how many pauses you employ within single lines, and I would advise using them as much as possible.

In terms of the content of your piece, I interpreted it as a woman who lives in a city that she perceives as being overly complex, over-developed and out of touch with reality. So she leaves the city for the desert. She is comforted by the simplicity and peace but ultimately she does not belong in the desert, nor does she have the skills to survive out there, but as she refuses to return to the city, she decides to lie down and die. I would have liked a lot more detail here on both the city she was leaving as well as either the desert or her death scene, or both. I feel like you paid a lot more attention to the flow and rhyme here than the story element, which is fine, it just puts more pressure on your rhyme, flow and wording to be very tight.

In all, I think your piece was quite solid. The rhyme, flow and wording in your first stanza were very strong, and the second stanza was alright. The content was a story fragment, but it was interesting and I would have liked to see it expanded or given more detail. Good stuff.

Innovator
Another short verse here, though a little longer than Symetrik's. In terms of rhyme you've stuck mainly with end rhymes, with very few inner rhymes employed. That is not to say none though, as my favourite line of your verse, purely in terms of the rhyme and rhythm of it, was the following.
The sky still swaying it waves, the winds singing hymns to perfection
This line uses assonance perfectly, first with swaying/waves and then with winds/singing/hymns, to just make this line sound beautiful when read aloud. Again, I would encourage this kinds of inner rhyming which improves flow and rhythm. It's not quite as necessary in your work as in Symetrik's however, as your syllable count per line is far more consistent, allowing a flow to develop even when just employing end rhymes. It's a nice read generally in terms of flow. Just a quick aside here, there were some words you chose in your piece that really hurt the rhyme and flow of the piece for me, though some of these might be a little nitpicky as I'm fairly sure they were just. The two main ones were 'perspiration' and 'physique', as they were the only two words that ended a line but did not really come close to rhyming with another word ending a line. Because all the rest of the line-enders rhyme with one another, it really interrupted the flow for me. Outside of that (which is admittedly a bit of a nitpick) the piece flowed well.

In terms of content, I'm not 100% sure of my interpretation here, but what I took from the piece is that a man (or woman) was walking through nature and was overwhelmed by the beauty (and possible presence of God) around him. This was not because the scene was any more beautiful than any other he had seen in his life, but rather that he was finally looking around and opening himself up to that beauty, since he claims to no longer be blind in the penultimate line. I was interested by the idea, and the brevity of the piece actually works with the concept. It's just a snapshot of a moment rather than a whole story. I would have liked a little more detail in the concluding lines though, as he moved from overwhelmed to free from blindness a little to quickly, in terms of the pacing of the piece.

In all, I thought the mechanics of your piece, in terms of rhyme and rhythm were solid enough. Your flow was supported by lines that were approximately the same number of syllables, which created a basic rhythm when read aloud. The concept behind your piece was interesting and appropriate for a shorter verse.

Comparison
This was an interesting battle, because in my eyes Symetrick had the better mechanics, with superior rhyming and flow, while Innovator had the better content. So my vote will have to come down to the margin between the mechanics versus the margin between the content. For me, the gap between Innovator's content and Symetrik's content was bigger than the gap between their respective mechanics, so I will closely edge this one to Innovator, though I could see it going either way.

Vote - Innovator

[King Ra.]

Greetings, gentlemen.

This is a pretty even match and very short perspectives on both sides. I believe this is the closer of all the completed match ups this week and I like the perspectives that you both presented here. Beautiful pic for a topic by the way. Symetrik, I liked the flow of your piece and I think in terms of word choice, you were slightly better, the way you stung everything together and still had such a smooth read through was impressive. Your verse was very descriptive, you touched more on the image itself and it was very well done and I liked the second part because it almost summarized the descriptions of the first half. Innovator, your piece was the complete opposite of Sym's, because where he was more in touch in describing the image at face value, your piece went a deeper route and I felt overall, the soft, poetic feel of your verse really brought a nice perspective of the image. Your first line really reeled me in, "kaleidoscope eyelids flicker/blinking brightly" and you sprinkle these nice little thoughts throughout your piece.

This is the best match up, it's pretty even, very short pieces but very well written and presented in two different perspectives. My decision comes down to the one I felt had a more complete overall piece, and with that I'd have to say Innovator edged it out by a hair, but overall, I liked what I read from both competitors.

MVGT: Innovator.

Good job, gentlemen.

[Inno]

Symetrik - Dope picture to go by. Pretty abstract piece and I enjoy that. Short, sweet and interesting with dope imagery. However, since it is pretty short I found the sentences starting with ''the'' a bit much with 5 sentences in a row starting like that, I didn't like the reptition of that at all tbh. Beside of that I enjoyed your take on it really well, the last 5 lines really wraps your piece and transitions to its closing in a natural fashion. Good shit.

Innovator - Your first paragraph is dope af, great visuals and imagery to recreate the image in my head as I'm reading it. It reads well for the most part but can't really make ''above me'' and ''heavy'' work for me or a transition in the next line to help it out. Second paragraph is dope as well but I didn't like the last couplet at all, couldn't make ''physique'' and ''inside me'' really flow or rhyme that well when I read it out loud but you stay true to the theme of your piece so that's a plus. Really like the way you're driving your piece towards the closure here, it wraps it up really well with the character in your piece having a moment of clarity and sees the world of reality for (perhaps) the first time. All in all it had a couple of hiccups but no biggie, pretty dope take on the picture and I enjoyed it quite a bit.

MVGT Innovator. They both had hiccups in their pieces but with a bit more polishing both of these could have been a little bit better but it's still a pretty dope battle and showing from both. Still tho, Innovator takes it on home. Felt both had an equally abstract and cool concept but the execution of the piece itself is where Inno is superior imo and that's why he snatches my vote. Pretty cool battle, keep it up y'all!

[Inno]

Sym vs Inno:

Good short battle. Just what the league needed this week haha! I thought the topic choice was very tough, not really much to go at other than the psychedelic look and feel it had really which made it hard to write about, or easy to write about, depending on your view. This could have been taken numerous ways depending on the person writing and both showed that. I think Sym may have struggled this week as his verse was very short compared to his hobble walk joint recently. It was almost too brief to really develop it, but he had was good and laced with his trademark flow as scheming. The trouble here was the brevity of it, it seemed to end before it really got going and that was a shame. I liked the idea of it being an allogory for Death and her calling on the crows in the finale. I think it was a good idea conceptually, it just needed some fleshing out maybe.

Inno: Similar story this week with regard to how brief you kept this joint, the assonance used was great as Ender picked up on and really drove this piece. You had deft touches in there too with stuff like "Kaleidoscope eyes" that really show your poetic background can transfer over into the topical world quite nicely. The visual imagery is what brought this to life, and really made it something. It's a tough battle. Sym was easily the better technically proficient writer and Inno had the better theme and execution to his writing, with flow about a tie between the both of you. This is a close one for sure and that's why I've deliberated it back and forth before voting. On third read, I'm gonna edge it to Innovator based on the imagery over the technical skill of Sym this week. Just. Literally only just. Crazily close battle and could go either way!

[Mr. J]

Sym, your verse is cool but it comes off too poetic for my tastes at this point in the league after the verses of last week.
Im not saying that I didnt enjoy it but the whole vibe just seemed to drag to me even with the picture laid out as it is.
I would have expected you to take this above & beyond while just showcasing what you are capable of.
unfortunately that was not what you did, I dont know if you were strapped for time or just didnt feel inspired but...
well I dont know what to say, there are moments where you shine with your vocab but does it weave together as nicely as i hoped?
no...commendable though...

Inno, Your verse was pretty cool and I really enjoyed your approach.
I dont know if you were just taking it easy or what happened here though.
the sky portions of your piece start to become a bit redundant after the second section.
I had high hopes for where you were going up until that point. it just seemed. blah.
regardless you shine in the mere moments you possess in this piece but it needs more mass.
you gotta put some weight onto that bitch & ride it out....


v/I honestly found both styles to be well suited for one another in this situation
Sym went a more poetic route but grasped on some great concepts even though the wording felt rushed
Had he fixed that up in the time he had and made it cleaner I would say it was a more than acceptable piece.
Inno came in with the perception of a vet while putting his verse together.
he trimmed the fat away and left some of the better ideas on the floor in my opinion.
the sky swaying in waves and whatever else you pursued kind of felt me robbed.
but you did have the edge against your opponent...I wanted to enjoy Syms piece but I felt like his mind went elsewhere about 1/3 of the way in until he gained footing.
decent battle

v/Innovator