WEEK V: Symetrik vs YDK[OPEN FOR FEED]

[Inno]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 8

Verses are due SATURDAY at 11:59

Voting ends MONDAY at 11:59

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

symetrik vs YDK

Goodluck!

[symetrik]

check in, here's my topic but you ain't gotta write to it I just wanted something picked already

https://i.imgur.com/Xv1DtU5.jpg

[YDK]

Sup

[symetrik]

fourteen and no quip, then publicly my tummy learned to hug a fist.
dumbest shit. wouldn't have a puppy but I'd chuck a stick,
bully buddies suck a dick.
hop across a river bed - fuck a bridge.
rivulets of dripping clay and teeny Grace - skipping trace on muddy kids.
pissy palm a bossy hip, olly olly oxen free.
missy stick her tippy toe in mossy grit of Coffin Creek,
finally she spotted me, stocking up on skimmy rocks and horizontal sobbingly,
cross a swamp in awesome leap, sink a sock in soggy peat
tracker teeter toppled me, tit against a blossom cheek,
possoming a re-enacted death scene - eulogy in watercress,
knee upon a rotter's chest, CPRing miracles of convalesce,
first spat, spit a lung, sputter up and tug a dress,
she pantomimed a stethoscope and "really need to run a test".
"actually, the sun'll set. let's skip home, and hold hands",
told me I'd be cuter as an old man - told her that I owed a life.
anyways... that's the time I almost died and first time that I met my wife.

[Inno]

YDK YDK

[Inno]

Fuck you YDK

[Diablo]

Tough topic this week. I'd have problem done something along the lines of "The Only Bridge I Haven't Burned" and wrote some introspective type shit haha! The flow is bonkers on that "wouldn't have a puppy but I'd chuck a stick/bully buddies suck a dick" section. You need to record it if you don't, they're far too slept on in here and just go to waste. I enjoyed the alliterative use in a lot of the words used here, it gives it that kind of skippy flow to it that makes for a real fluent east read to breeze through rather than longer lines that don't really do much or have the rhyme placement too few and far between. I think flow in verses is like a must have but you don't see too many in text concentrate on that element of it, they prefer to keep it more wordy with the too many syllables per line. It holds them back. More people need to actually write to a beat to understand why those words work as well as they do together. Even in normal conversation you'll find a lot of alliteratives come up, that's just language for you. The final couple here it almost takes a left turn and you hand the reader the realisation that this is how you eventually met your better half, pond-side, playing doctors and nurses or some young game equivalent with this female. It was like a brief snapshot in time, but the scheming back and forth with the flow made it a rapid fire read. I think even if YDK had shown he may have struggled with this one. The flow is butter smooth throughout. Like I say, get it recorded save letting it go to waste bro.

Keep that pen moving!

[King Ra.]

I believe what stood out to me the most, and really made me appreciate the story were the last 4 lines, because at first read through, I got kind of lost in the direction you were going. It almost seemed as if you were writing a throwaway piece with YDK not showing (this is not a knock on you, rather I came to that assumption after reading the first 4 lines). But as I continued, everything started tying together and by the end, I fully understood the overall story, which I must commend you for being pretty slick with taking this image and putting together a nice, short tale. As Diablo mentioned, the flow of the entire piece was very smooth and I admired the elevation of each line the further the read got. All in all, I wish YDK showed up, but what you put together was a solid story powered by a silky flow.

Good stuff.

[Mr. J]

I stopped after sobbingly....that was too much of a stretch for me.




Ill be back later.