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View Full Version : WEEK V: Ender vs King Ra.[ENDER WINS]


Inno
01-09-2018, 09:50 PM
http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 8

Verses are due SATURDAY at 11:59

Voting ends MONDAY at 11:59

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

Ender vs King Ra.

Goodluck!

King Ra.
01-10-2018, 04:11 AM
Praise be to the Universe.

Ender
01-10-2018, 09:33 AM
Check.

Inno
01-14-2018, 01:15 AM
Enders verse

Moments of Joy
Smothered screams in scenes of suffering
Another fiend I’ve left bleeding and blubbering
Deemed its conduct troubling so I set the snare
Lied to arrange a buy - how I always get them there
Mmmghghph! Mmph! Jesus, I need to get prepared
Kept tied to a chair it’s looking bug-eyed and scared
Compared to this thug, other drug dealers were brave
It’s squealing in pain as though it’s feeling my blade
Just really afraid since the game has still to be played
A painful bill to be paid until my urge to kill is obeyed
So with a thrill I say, while quite light-hearted
“Well then, my friend, let’s get started!”

Two hours later

Its annoying moan is destroying my zone
Just peeled its toe and I’m toying with the bone
Want to enjoy the moment but the groan - it’s upsetting
I know the flow that I want and it’s not the tone that I’m getting
But I won’t be letting this stupid scum ruin my fun
“If you continue to run your gums you’ll be losing your tongue.
Soon we’ll be done and this will come to an end
So let’s not lose anything else my glum little friend!”
It’s fun to pretend that they might get to go home
Yet I think it knows it’s near the end of the road
Ribs distended and bowed, its breathing has slowed
Heart heaving and exposed, erratic beating is showed
Feet missing six toes and nose in a new position
A slew of incisions looking in an abused condition
It could use a physician but it tries to die quiet
And comply with silence to my reply of violence
Closing eyes to my science of the plight of my prey
But I delight in display, creating sights of dismay
It must look intently at the scene I’m enticed to portray
So I gently pinch its eyelids and slice them away
It fails to obey my order - screams and shouts instead
It doubted my threat - I pull its tongue out of its head
Now the lout is practically dead, starts to wheeze
This is the part where I seize his heart and squeeze
Feeling the darting speed first recede then stop
The right of the fiend on top, a life seen as a prop
Mine to be dropped as I unlock creations meaning
And God’s dreaming, but for now, the space needs cleaning

Two months later

Put out a feeler for blow, awaiting the dealer to show
My eighth in a row, yet the field continues to grow
I see my new foe approaching my seat in the park
We greet at the start, a sheep meeting a shark
And next complete dark, feel my awareness break
And now again I’m awake, with an immense headache
I see the brothers of some of the men I outsmarted
With a twisted grin one says “Well then, let’s get started!”




Topic: Kill you

King Ra.
01-14-2018, 01:41 AM
where there is darkness, there is light....

Yin and yang.
Duality.
The fall of night, rise of dawn.
From out of nothing, a big bang!
Cosmic thunder when the Gods flexed their brawn.
The beginning of birth, awestruck.
A universal construct.
The ends were drawn and the laws stuck
as they conversed and formed our beautiful Earth.

check-
I watched as nebulas formed and disguised their wondrous faces
Sirius was born when the congregation arose and applauded with a thunderous grace.
I wander, awake, in tune with this cosmic reality
harmonious tones and melodic notes strung together in common formality.
As I ponder and shake, I see the might of celestial bodies in movement
perfect spherical congruence, somewhere beyond where the truth is.
Comets are shooting stars that light up heaven's roof
and blackholes are deep abysses that anyone can escape through.
poof.
The expanse stretches as galaxies turn around gravity's curves
at the seat of it all, if you listen, Gods' strategies heard.
A vivid fantasy, word, scriptures state it as the pictures painted
a stroke grace, I recline, my spirits lifts then fades....

in.
Breath of life,
soul ignited.
My inner-G forged in fire.
Conscious stoked.
Knowledge rose when my third eye opened, glowed.
My mind soaked in hope
chakras woke, evoked.
Cloaked in a higher state of mind
I rise.

http://maaja.ee/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/Karma05A_cleaned.jpg

Stood at the edge of the universe and took a leap of faith,
as I fell into the darkness I could have sworn I seen his face.

In awe of God(s).

Razah
01-15-2018, 05:00 PM
dope battle.

I liked both verses for two different reasons. This can go either way in my eyes. Kind Ra, I'm not huge on the whole galactic blah blah blah. What you did do though, was take an idea I don't like and still make it enjoyable through good writing.

"The beginning of birth, awestruck.
A universal construct.
The ends were drawn and the laws stuck"

That just rhymed very nicely.

"Conscious stoked.
Knowledge rose when my third eye opened, glowed.
My mind soaked in hope
chakras woke, evoked.
Cloaked in a higher state of mind
I rise."

Probably my favorite part. I'm more into spirituality & thoughts like this, but I can understand how this ties into the universe. One in the same, huh.. Anyways, your writing is on point. I felt like you started off okay, warmed up, & finished strong. What's hurting you here (in my eyes, and it's super bias), is me just not liking this topic.

Ender, this was pretty dope. The constant rhyme schemes, made for a very quick & fluent read. The topic was pretty simple, but it had a nice little twist if you ask me. I really just liked the rhyming a lot. It's weird because, there isn't a stanza I can pin point like, Yeah, this bar was dope. It was just an over all good read.

On one hand, Ra had more 'stand out' material. But on the other hand, Ender had a verse I enjoyed & it rapped well. I'm gonna always go with what I enjoyed more, so yeah..

vEnder

Mr. J
01-16-2018, 12:03 AM
Ender, I enjoyed your verse but it felt kind off at certain points.
I dont know if its the packaging of the rhymes or what but I rode with it.
your story begins to take shape after that mini introduction which I liked.
it felt like the calm before the storm & you really made some strides to the end.
although I thought the piece could have used some stronger source material.
I can see how the topic blends in once we get to the end and I enjoyed it.
you stumbled at the end with that sheep meeting a shark line in my opinion.
the whole scenario just seemed flung out of place to make its mark...
I understand what you were trying to convey but it just didnt come off smooth.
Im willing to admit that your flow is pretty great though, I enjoyed that bounciness you brought.
if anything Im excited to see what else you can bring to the table here...

King, Good to see an old face pop in to compete and drop a dope verse.
the edge still seems there and you didnt really need to warm up to this drop.
whenever I see topics like this its always nice to see what word choices folks bring.
I dig the whole vibe of this piece though especially due to awe struck/construct
definitely a solid piece from you during your hiatus...

v/I was leaning towards Ender at first due to the bulk of his overall piece.
but there were a few parts that I found myself disliking it just didnt hit me as hard as Id hoped.
the topic just needs some umph to keep my attention & that is what Ra brought to the table.
I like the whole point he brought with his piece and I thought he really shined through.
the flow was more poetic to me but it still carried that strong presence that makes you say whoa...
very well done...nice battle fellas, this should be a close one

Inno
01-16-2018, 01:18 PM
Ender vs King Ra: This is the battle of the week right here, and also the stupidest names LOL I don't get what either of your names are meant to reference and I never care to ask but here we go:

Ender: I find you're good at storytelling but the technical merit holds you back somewhat. You mismatch a lot of multisyllables and then at other spots you're fine at it, it's an odd one for me reading your joints haha! What I like about you though is it's always content first and conscious characterisation. You never let the rhyme dictate where it's going, you have a clear point to get to from A to B and that stays as your endgoal regardless of the mechanics. You showed that here (and somewhat last week too). It may mean you meet someone more proficient in the mechanics and technical side and lose to them the higher up the ranks you rise but for now it works and you definitely have a good grasp of how to put a verse together well. As I said, the syllable mismatching needs addressing somewhat, if you get that fixed you'll be a force to be reckoned with here as there's a lot to like about this. You mix up the rhyme schemes pretty well and bounce them back and forth throughout. You detailed the plot well as it unraveled to quite a polarising ending. Conflict drives great stories, and even though this one has somewhat a "nice" ending for the lead character it could maybe have ended on a bad note which would have felt more in keeping with the criminal underworld he was involved in. Just an idea more than a criticism of any sort really. It may come in use over the coming weeks.

King Ra: I'm not really familiar with your work, or at least as this name if you're an alias of some sort. I like it though. Your style sometimes reminds me of Cereal Killer, but your work reminds me more of UnbornBuddah in the general tone and writers voice and general concepts you choose to write about. This was fresh to me. Your wording is quite graceful but had a poetic vibe to it I fucked with hardbody, and technically you're very proficient in terms of multies and scheming and whatnot. This is more my thing from a technical standpoint even though I guess Ender had an edge on storytelling ability but yours was more like a topical here. It felt somewhat of a slow burn but I enjoyed the use of yin and yang and duality at the beginning and the "Sirius is born" line was dope to me. I think this is BOTW right here. Very tough to call off bat. This is one of those where you have to look at what the both guys didn't do so well. Ender was the better storyteller for sure, the dialogue of the characters sometimes didn't feel all too natural if you wanted to nitpick over it, he could have used short met phrases and back and fourths. Again, I come back to his mechanics and King Ra did better in that area for me. King Ra has more a sort of topical verse here IMO than a literal story and I kind of like that fact, you don't see many actual "topicals" wrote these days so there is that, even though it had a story at essence, it's more a kind of hybrid between the two in some respects. King Ra'z reached a solid conclusion even if he didn't seem to flesh it out all that much, it felt very brief, that could be due to his shorter line lengths or the format but as a read it seemed to end pretty quickly as I read it while Ender's was a complete tale from start to finish. I liked how he detailed his torture methods with the toe peeling and whatnot, I'm a fan of that weird disturbing shit lol. I think I've read these three times now and come to the conclusion that while King Ra has more I usually like in a verse, Ender may have edged this overall because I found more I enjoyed as a whole in his joint than I did in King Ra's epic finale. I enjoyed his mechanics and technical skill more here, but I'm gonna go against my usual grain and give Ender the nod this week actually even though I believe technical skill to be somewhat of a measuring stick that seperates the good from the greats in terms of making it look effortlessly easy. 9 times out of 10 I'd go King Ra's way but Ender just did enough for me to put him over here.

Inno
01-16-2018, 05:16 PM
mvgt ra so...

ra had a good piece, it's a little spacey/godly but it kept that the entire way through which is too their credit, it didn't go beyond its scene which was cool.
the "spirit lifts then fades... in" part had a really good pause/feel to it. didn't like the play on "energy" just cuz it felt more material than an ascended consciousness. it was a good read though.

Inno
01-17-2018, 03:33 PM
I got ENDER here will elaborate my vote in the mag