WEEK V: Mr. J vs Innovator vs Razah[TIED 2-2]

[Inno]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 8

Verses are due SATURDAY at 11:59

Voting ends MONDAY at 11:59

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

Mr. J Razah

Goodluck!

[Razah]

Cool

[Razah]

“If the leaves turn brown how do we go back”

Step, crunch.

I like the way the leaves crackle.
How they break up, fall between the recently cleaned gravel
Every detail engraved in my brain, this is the time I'm in
Complete sorrow.
As stable as a heap of leaves swirling at the slightest wind
I can't stop tapping my foot- I'm falling fast
Concerned my shoes are blanketed by fallen ash
Had a bright future, that thought makes my spine shiver
I light another one- Too bad I'll never get to see your light flicker
Finally it sunk in, I fell to my knees- Couldn't walk, I had to.. crawl
Life spiraled out of control, in the perfect season, it had to.. Fall

Miss you.

[Inno]

https://i.imgur.com/HnbVf1B.jpg

This noose ties together a wretched disdain for life
Grip the rope seams tighter for the pain to contrive
Sweet surrender to the blackness of the soul’ core
Spilling blots of nothingness on to this canvas never more.
But he never sores from the cuts, yet he soars with each open door
That He hinges between sanities sake and reality’s break.
Everything’s at steak, while no one cares to relate.
A passer by, only by chance kind of guy real harmless
But a ghost between silhouettes, a shadow in darkness.
A naggin twitch gnawing at the back of your thoughts
Clawing deep into the catacombs of each sin you sought.
Remembering every detail you conveniently forget,
He’s a constant melody, the rhythm in your concerts plot.
The one pulling the strings until life becomes a knot.

Holding tight this noose holds life at both ends of it’s plight
On one end ascension, soaring inbetween the rays of light.
On the other guilt and shame, ridicule and disdain
Such fitting options for lost souls in the folds of their pain.
To waste life is profane, but who’s the one pointing out
Who to blame? Such is his game.

And so twisted is this frame we humans seek mortalities pleasures
Eternal life in the heavens avoiding death at all measures.
While the treasures we seek lay beside us in a heap
Mortality sighs with a satisfied grin
He knows most of us will never reach our potential
Becoming statistics to his whimsical whim.

[Mr. J]

My mind settles on the page & hope whittles away.
It could leave an opponent enraged with little to say.
In the middle the claims start to become outrageous.
The testing follows, prepping up the sound stages...
Who could claim such synchrony existed? How time flies.
How cruel it is to pace about with the blind eyes.
Rewind..I'm fine...sometimes the irregularities get to me.
Ever since the great crash the world doesn't make sense to me.
Now I know what comes first like parentheses....
Society is in a free fall while another dumb bitch tries to get next to me.
The aroma of strawberry yogurt arouses my senses but I got text to read.
Got a lot of threats to meet, before I hide the body & Jekyll me.
But now every other moment...well that doesn't make sense to me.
Yesterday the dog was running by now he's wobbling in.
My wife has a bunch of emotions that she's been bottling in.
Numerous bottles of gin, a reeking stench brought on by harboring it in.
Rivers that are cried become the memories in the warped floor.
Her wails echo in the corridor & make me abandon all support for her...
Down on our luck mixed in the same old same old that keeps unraveling.
Put it all down on luxury dining, expensive diamonds & constant traveling.
Our greed becomes the same cancer we battling.
Looking inward hoping there is one last stash we can open up.
But we've been down on that green, golfing with a broken club...
Questioning expenditures from this year and the last.
Now that the chips are down, we deal with blowbacks.
There is no more green in our money tree & it won't grow back.
If the leaves turn brown........how can we go back.

We cant...after the wreck Ive been left in an amnesiac state.
fading in and out of awareness & plus I can no longer see that great.
these blinding flashes of migraines start to lead me astray.
my subconscious starts to take over, everything Im hearing it say...
there is no turning back after tonight, you can leave or you can stay.
my pen scratches against the page cluttered in my journal.
all the injustice that is dying inside tells me I never deserved you.
the life after becomes a witch hunt until they can properly burn you.
I guess when you are ~12~ like I am, everyone else is Mary Kay Letourneau.
the memories come rushing back to me...
I grin & think....thats what you get for fucking with me

[ACTIVATE SELF]

Razah

“If the leaves turn brown how do we go back”fat wife

Step, crunch.fat wife

I like the title. The use of the onamonapia not only creates imagery, but it also engages the sense of sound, which works to add an extra layer of depth to your world.

I like the way the leaves crackle.fat wife
How they break up, fall between the recently cleaned gravel

The writing is clean. The consonants sounds roll of the tongue and add flavor to the flow. However, the imagery isn't adding up precisely. I know you can clean a street, driveway, sidewalk, what have you, but who cleans gravel?

Every detail engraved in my brain, this is the time I'm in
Complete sorrow.fat wife
As stable as a heap of leaves swirling at the slightest wind

The imagery is solid. Metaphorically it's A1. On the flipside however, the mechanics read very laxed. Your scheme is all assonance and inners, so it's smooth enough to pass as flow, so to speak, but the end rhymes are still too sparse for my liking.

I can't stop tapping my foot- I'm falling fast
Concerned my shoes are blanketed by fallen ash

Dope. Give me more of this.

Had a bright future, that thought makes my spine shiver
I light another one- Too bad I'll never get to see your light flicker

The emotion is evident, it's somber, but atmospheric. The wordplay is subtle, but nicely delivered and the flow is smooth.

Finally it sunk in, I fell to my knees- Couldn't walk, I had to.. crawl
Life spiraled out of control, in the perfect season, it had to.. Fall

Miss you.

Nice.

Okay, so, I thought this was a nice little play on the season. Especially, since fall always reminds me of a somber time of year. Thus, I liked how you flipped that into a heartbreak scenerio -- a break up, a death, whatever -- it was pure poetry. Or maybe you just miss the summer months a lot. Lol. Either way ... I dug it.

Innovator

This noose ties together a wretched disdain for life
Grip the rope seams tighter for the pain to contrive

"Pain to contrive"??? Huh? Pain can be contrived, but pain alone (in a non personified state) can not contrive anything. But, perhaps I read that incorrectly or maybe I just misinterpreted your intent?

Sweet surrender to the blackness of the soul’ core

The soul'(s) core? Man, I love that. Poetic wizardry right there.

Spilling blots of nothingness on to this canvas never more.

You even channeled the late great American wordsmith Edger Allan Poe for a cameo appearance. Always a plus in my book.

But he never sores from the cuts, yet he soars with each open door
That He hinges between sanities sake and reality’s break.

What I like about your brand of writing thus far is that it invokes inquisitive thought in a good way. It's not senselessly cryptic or enigmatic, but rather artistically philosophical in it's approach. It's grounded in comprehensible ideas, but as a reader I have to figure out why and how it all makes sense. For instance, "sanity's sake and reality's break" is a very clever way of saying that he's borderline crazy or barely holding it together. That's dope. OAN, I think "sanities" is a little too archaic given the modern theme of the topic.

Everything’s at steak, while no one cares to relate.fat wife
A passer by, only by chance kind of guy real harmlessfat wife
But a ghost between silhouettes, a shadow in darkness.

You're words are dancing off the page. Your poetic lingo is unique. My interpetation of your intent is that this is the kind of guy that rarely ever gets noticed. A real flower on the wall type guy or as you more eloquently put it, "a shadow in the darkness". Damn. That whole section is a HOF worthy quotable.

A naggin twitch gnawing at the back of your thoughts
Clawing deep into the catacombs of each sin you sought.
Remembering every detail you conveniently forget,
He’s a constant melody, the rhythm in your concerts plot.
The one pulling the strings until life becomes a knot.

Damn, who is he? Your subconscious' conscience? I'm digging the suspense. Also, nice tie-in to the picture. Excuse the pun.

Holding tight this noose holds life at both ends of it’s plight
On one end ascension, soaring inbetween the rays of light.
On the other guilt and shame, ridicule and disdain
Such fitting options for lost souls in the folds of their pain.
To waste life is profane, but who’s the one pointing outfat wife
Who to blame? Such is his game.

And so twisted is this frame we humans seek mortalities pleasures
Eternal life in the heavens avoiding death at all measures.fat wife
While the treasures we seek lay beside us in a heap
Mortality sighs with a satisfied grin
He knows most of us will never reach our potential
Becoming statistics to his whimsical whim.

Okay, so if we look at time in a linear fashion, one end of the rope signifies the beginning, whereas the other represents the literal "end" -- as in death, mortality, -- and the closer we move towards that end, the rope begins to tighten around our souls/necks until we succumb to it's fatal grip. Dope.

Mr. J

My mind settles on the page & hope whittles away.
It could leave an opponent enraged with little to say.
In the middle the claims start to become outrageous.
The testing follows, prepping up the sound stages...
Who could claim such synchrony existed? How time flies.
How cruel it is to pace about with the blind eyes.
Rewind..I'm fine...sometimes the irregularities get to me.
Ever since the great crash the world doesn't make sense to me.
Now I know what comes first like parentheses....

That last line is ill. I'm sure it's a play on the algebraic Order of Operation (PEMDAS), which is a very cool idea to exploit. Everything before it is also pretty good -- the flow, vocabulary, transitions and the syntax -- the story hasn't fully revealed itself just yet, so It's hard to judge. But I'm definitely intrigued to see where this is heading.

Society is in a free fall while another dumb bitch tries to get next to me.
The aroma of strawberry yogurt arouses my senses but I got text to read.

Descriptive.

Got a lot of threats to meet, before I hide the body & Jekyll me.
But now every other moment...well that doesn't make sense to me.
Yesterday the dog was running by now he's wobbling in.
My wife has a bunch of emotions that she's been bottling in.
Numerous bottles of gin, a reeking stench brought on by harboring it in.

I'm digging the contrast, dilemma and honesty found in your words. It seems to me you often like to inject your real-life into your writting (if not, you fooled and sold me on idea that you do), which makes your verses exhude authencity and genuineness . Also, the "bottle" references were well constructed and worded.

Rivers that are cried become the memories in the warped floor.
Her wails echo in the corridor & make me abandon all support for her...
Down on our luck mixed in the same old same old that keeps unraveling.
Put it all down on luxury dining, expensive diamonds & constant traveling.
Our greed becomes the same cancer we battling.
Looking inward hoping there is one last stash we can open up.
But we've been down on that green, golfing with a broken club...
Questioning expenditures from this year and the last.
Now that the chips are down, we deal with blowbacks.
There is no more green in our money tree & it won't grow back.
If the leaves turn brown........how can we go back.

Okay, upon reflecting on all of your words up until this point, I surmise this piece is about a man/couple that was once well-to-do. His life and happiness always revolved around money, but, after the finacial crisis of 2008 his wealth began drying up. Now he's down to his last bit of cash and his kingdom is falling down around him. Deep. Interesting. Also, the money tree part was golden.

We cant...after the wreck Ive been left in an amnesiac state.
fading in and out of awareness & plus I can no longer see that great.
these blinding flashes of migraines start to lead me astray.
my subconscious starts to take over, everything Im hearing it say...
there is no turning back after tonight, you can leave or you can stay.
my pen scratches against the page cluttered in my journal.

Nice callback to the introduction. In addition, I dig how you're describing the character's decline and deterioration, both physically and spiritually.

all the injustice that is dying inside tells me I never deserved you.
the life after becomes a witch hunt until they can properly burn you.
I guess when you are ~12~ like I am, everyone else is Mary Kay Letourneau.
the memories come rushing back to me...
I grin & think....thats what you get for fucking with me

What in the total fuck?!? This piece just went off the rails. I have no idea how the whole Mary Letourneau part even makes sense. It seems completely detached from the rest of the story. I get the reference to the character being 12 having significance to the case, but what the hell does that have to do with the rest of the content? Is this suppose to be written as the memoirs of Vili Fualaau or something? If so, the whole being rich, having a wife, blah blah blah, doesn't align with the real-life reality of the subject being examined. Furthermore, there were no breadcrumbs laid to suggest there was ever a feesible connection between the bulk of the story and the twist -- which seemed to only be thrown in for the sake of having one. Maybe I'm completely off-base here? I must be. Maybe you're implying something completely different than my interpetation? You must be. Either way, I'm completely lost. Hopefully, it's due to fault of my own.

VOTE -- Innovator

Reason
[I]Raz: His piece was beautiful, well paced. He had a slight mechanical issue with the flow, but overall it read smoothly. His concept was nice and his words were poetic. It was a great read. But too short to compete here.
Inno: His piece offered everything that Raz's did, just more off it. His flow, poetry, turn-of-phrase and thought process was all on-point and high-level throughout the entirety of the read. However, his story was all an abstract concept that could have been better explored through the framework of a more concerte narrative. Still an excellent verse nonetheless.
MJ: Each verse seem to be slightly better than the last, in the sense that 1 was good, but 2 did what 1 did while adding a little extra. Whereas 3 did what 2 did, but also added a little extra on top of it. In this instance, Joker had all the mechanics and poetry that made Inno's verse a standout, but wrapped it in a story-based narrative that provided a face to the words. And because of that he had this battle won. In the bag. Well, up until the end that is. And maybe I'm an illiterate idiot. Probably I am. But, honestly speaking, I couldn't make sense of it. It changed the entire trajectory of the read. I think in this particular situation a safe ending that brought resolution and closure to the reader's assumption would have been a more fitting way to end it. As opposed to a conclusion that bred confusion.

In any case, I think Inno takes the dub for have the more sound verse of the three .

Regardless of the victor this was still a highly enjoyable and superb battle overall.

[Inno]

Razah: Always great to have the flow god back in the AOWL haha! The 'always stable as a heap of leaves' line was great, I liked the imagery and the idea (mainly because of the irony in it not being stable at all). I always enjoy a more comedic verse popping up as you don't really see them so much in these leagues, and that's a shame, so some lighthearted stuff like that is refreshing to see. Not everything has to be so serious and I think you've always held that belief (as do I). The ending was cool too with the use of fall, almost like a cliffhanger before you announced it at the end which again was used to good effect here.

Inno: I think the picture used was perfect for you here, leading itself to a lot of poetic prose and a more metaphoric monologue as it unravelled. I could already see what you could potentially do with it before I even started to read here. Sanitys sake and realitys break was super clean wording. "The one pulling the strings until life becomes a knot" was dope too, great tie in (pun always intended).
I like how you embodied (get it, because it's a body?) mortality here and made it about more than just what the reader sees in the picture there. You built the verse around the picture and created something wholly different, you didn't just describe what we weee seeing, you went further than that and just used the picture to kind of brainstorm this concept then write about that. You did very well this week. I doubt many would go beyond what was in front of them and create something very different, but you did, and that showed a great creativity on your part too.

Mr J: The comes first like parentheses line was ill haha! It's odd seeing that midverse but I liked it. This read almost like an Open Mic freeflowing cypher type joint from you. You probably have the best mechanics of the three battlers in this one. Technically you were superior, scheming and occasionally carrying over the same string into like 6-8 lines. "down on that green, golfing with a broken club" was another ill line from left field that kind of caught me off guard but I enjoyed it, it's good to see some humour injected back into topicals. I feel like this verse was a solid enough drop, it just felt a little jumbled really and didn't know which type of verse it wanted to be and ended up a kind of culmination of several different ideas put into one. The punchline type lines were cool, and quoteworthy, but the storyline itself felt a little missing with regard to plot development and while that's not always essential I feel it was on this occasion.

Okay, so I've got Innovator winning here with the better execution of his topic overall. It was creative, it was original, it had out of the box thinking and really seemed to take the topic at hand and create something outside of what was seen in the visual. He didn't just take the topic and write TO it, he wrote around it this week and that's the key here. Use it as inspiration but don't let it dictate the way your verse has to go. Do something left field with it, make it original, push those boundaries and it will make you a better writer. Furthermore out of Razah and J, I'd probably say Razah had the verse I felt more this week. I know I'm largely a fan of the technical side and prefer heavy multies and tighter schemes but this week Razah stuck to the topic and delivered the better angle on the topic he went with in terms of the execution and maybe the brevity of his verse helped in that regard, I know J writes crazily hard on short notice and this shows how quick he can put those rhymes together which I too like todo but Razah had a crisper feel to his, he delivered it clearer, he literally doesn't seem to waste a word - never mind a line. He is very concise about what he's writing to and makes every word count. That's what ultimately gave him the nod for me here. I've got Inno in 1st, Razah 2nd and Joker 3rd this time out.

[Inno]

Razah
This was quite a short verse, which isn't a bad thing in a three-way battle. I interpreted this piece as being about a man who is trying to deal with loss. I read it as being the loss of a child, but I suppose it could just as easily be about the loss of a partner, or even just the end of a relationship. But the symbolism of ash and burning leaves made me connect this piece to a death. The visuals in this piece were strong and the language was striking.
From a technical standpoint, there wasn’t a lot of rhyme in this piece. There were a couple of multis but it wasn’t consistent. However the verse still flowed well through use of poetic techniques, such as employing very short lines and pausing. Also, I thought the use of metaphor helped the piece.
This was a good snapshot of a moment in time, giving good detail of the emotional state of the man as well as the physical details of his immediate surrounds. I enjoyed this work. Good stuff.

Innovator
I found this verse to be quite complex, in that I found it difficult to work out exactly who the focus of this piece was. At first I thought it was a personified death. After that I thought it was talking about potential and merely concluded with a reference to a personified death. So that’s what I ended up going with. I interpreted the piece as being about people not reaching their full potential because they spend their time trying to avoid death rather than ensuring that they truly live a life worth preserving. That people value the wrong things and have the keys to the treasures of life within easy reach but instead strive for the unimportant. I liked the content but I could have used a little more clarity.
Technically, the rhyme was fairly good. Their were a few multis here and there, and a fair bit of inner rhyming and assonance.
Nice piece, I liked it.

Mr J
I’m not at all sure that I followed this verse. I interpreted it as being about a guy whose life has gone to hell since the Financial Crisis. He and his family used to be well off and privileged but the Financial Crisis wiped away most of their money. They are still living in the big house and keeping up outward appearances of being rich, but all that is doing is piling up debt. And the strain is destroying his marriage. And he is planning to leave her because he feels like he can’t provide for her anymore and he feels like being the provider is his main responsibility. However the last four lines make me think I’m probably completely wrong in that interpretation. The reference to being 12 and everyone being Letourneau (the teacher that got with her 2 year old student) I’m guessing means that the main character feels like everyone is out to screw him over. But I can’t make him being 12 sync with the rest of the verse. So I’m assuming he’s saying that everyone is trying to fuck him over like he’s 12 and everyone else is Letourneau. That way it still meshes with my previous interpretation. But the only way I can make the last line fit in is if I assume his grin is humourless and an expression of hopelessness and giving up, and his thought of ‘that’s what you get…’ is in the same vein and semi-regretful. But I’m pretty sure that’s me stretching to make my interpretation work, so I probably don’t really get this piece.
In terms of the technical aspects of the verse, the rhyme was good. Very consistent use of multis, assonance and inners. As a general rule I dislike rhyming words with themselves (such as ending multiple line with ‘in’, ‘me’ and ‘you’) but the multis helped to disguise that. I also thought you did well to give your main character a clear personality, so I could feel like I could get a sense of what the guy was like who was relating the story to me.

Comparison
Alright, I’ve already broken down each verse separately, so I won’t say too much here. When looking at the technical writing skills displayed in the verses, I would say Mr J took that, with an easy flow and consistent use of multis. In terms of the content, I was feeling Razah the most. I thought his snapshot in time was interesting. It also helped that he conveyed his message and point quite clearly. With Innovator I wasn’t 100% sure I was getting it and with Mr J I was 100% I wasn’t getting it. Normally it is very difficult to get a vote from me with a short verse, because I look for the content and usually a short verse simply has less content than a long one. However, the clarity of the writing was the difference for me, and it’s where Razah took it.

Vote - Razah

[Inno]

razah
I like short pieces a lot.
after "slightest wind" it fell off a bit for me, I couldn't find the connection for "fallen ash" it seemed out of place.
the "had a bright future... / ... light flicker" was cool, the ending wasn't bad but didn't feel super solid to me.

innovator
STEAK?!
"passerby, only by chance kinda guy" was really dope.
it was a cool piece, some of it seemed sloppy (to my tastes) like the concert plot thing.
and the ending was aight but "whimsical whim" -.-

mr. j
i'm gonna just not read the last part cuz i ain't figuring out how to tie it together lmao
however, the first section was solid as fuck. this is absolutely the best I've seen from you this season, and those two fucking tiny little hint/ties to the sickness were beautiful. you did a great transition of time, a great veerrrrry vague touch back on the cancer. dunno this was just dope. I had no idea how to connect the second part of it but the first part alone is enough.

mvgt mr j

[Inno]

My vote in the 3-way battle:

This was a really good 3 way battle here. All writers were on point. I enjoyed a lot of what was presented and after reading through everything, I came to a clear decision.

Razah, you had the shortest of the pieces here and while I would have liked to see a bit more based on what the other competitors put together, you did execute your piece very well. I believe the little you wrote actually made everything flow cleaner, and the details in different parts were able to tie the story together. The 'step, crunch' in the opening was cool, then I liked the smooth flow with the break in between on the 'this is the time I'm in/complete sorrow/heap of leaves swirling at the slightest wind'. The delicate attention and simplicity was just excellent. I also loved the last two lines. The only knock on your piece is the length, but like I said, despite it being short it was from beginning to end, very well written.

Innovator, you had the more complex of the pieces here. Once again, you have this very poetic touch you sprinkle throughout your piece, and this week, I think you took it to another level- you took the image you chose and written a very in-depth, metaphorical story. And I think the word selection and how you are able to put some of these perspectives/ideas together is just top notch. The first paragraph stood out the most to me because everything written was just perfect. I liked 'sweet surrender to blackness' and 'spilling blots of nothingness'- they leverage the lines they are in. My favorite was 'a ghost between silhouettes'. Such great use of description. The last two parts of your piece did a good job of summing things up, but that's also where I felt it dropped off compared to the beginning section.

Mr. J, it's no doubt that when it comes to writing, you are really good at it. The flow is always on point, and your piece definitely excelled at that and I believe it guided your narrative very smoothly throughout. Some of the lines were really cool, too, like 'comes first like parentheses'- which flowed into the next two lines. Also, 'hide the body & Jekyll me' was really ill, 'last stash to open up/golfing with a broken club'- all sprinkles throughout that really helped open the narrative of your piece. What I also really liked was that transition between your two sections. You closed the first part with the topic title and it just switched over to 'We can't...'. That was pretty creative. Now, not everything clicked as well in certain spots, some lines were eh, but nonetheless a solid story.


When it comes down to it, I could easily go to either competitor and choose who should get my vote. After my first initial read, I had an idea of who I believe won this battle, but after more reading, and this was really close, I have to go with Razah on this one. This was difficult because I loved the originality and depth of Innovator's piece, and I loved the smooth narrative of Mr. J, but I had to go through Razah's piece again just to understand why I would choose him over the other two despite having a very short piece and for me I think he had a little bit of Inno & J, attention to detail/smooth flow, but I really felt that simplicity and how delicate his piece was in such a little bite was damn near perfect to overcome the length of his opponents and the little hiccups they had whereas I didn't see none in Razah's except that it was short.

Good read, guys.

[Adonis]

Jay - Tears warping floor as memories is a very dope concept...Also like the parentheses line...Though, "warped floor, support for her" no bueno. I liked the read. I think it's fitting the first verse I read in a year is yours. I already wrote my verse, but damn our styles are different but similar, mines better though ;) A touching verse that is emotionally driven by a constant barrage of short-comings in a relationship souring due to various reasons. As I said, I enjoyed it entirely. You played with concepts on a line by line basis as well staying focused on the actual topic or direction of verse.

Inno - I had a hard time keeping any rhythm honestly. At points it rhymed solid, and at points the syllables did not line up. As for concept, I appreciated what you did poetically if not rhyming greatly in my eyes. "Never soars from cuts, soars from doors hinging between sanity and reality" Second stanza had another disdain and soaring line though. All in all, this verse was just ok. You followed the topic and did things well, but I personally feel like you also had a few instances that lacked. But as I said, as a whole, enjoyable read.


nRazah - Who the fuck cleans gravel son??? LOL...Good verse though. Off subject, I know you're from Chiraq, you ever heard of "Smino"? He's a Chicago based artist that I fux with right now on the regular. Anyways. This was a short and simple read, you had concept, but I wish you fit in at least one more line concept linking to leaves, kind of adding abit more meat to chew on while digesting the read. Because as is...


I'm left with looking beyond concept because you all did well in that front. I feel Inno fell out of favor in being my least favorite in terms of flow, all three had line by line concept in a major way. But MR. J had more in my eyes. He stayed on topic while matching Razah flow but also gave me, well, more to digest and think about as Razah's verse was sort of all left out in the open, Jay made me think some.


Sorry guys, I tried to break tie, but I can only be honest in whose verse I enjoyed most

v/ Mr. J

[MMLP]

deciding vote on me, ill take the slack since im not in this league!

Raz – this reads like an un-rhyming poem to begin with but soon picks up mechanically. As youd expect in such a short verse! Nice word choices throughout. Simple little piece, not ground breaking but effective and enyoyable for what it is… all led to the ending punch! it works!
Think you may have just underestimated the others in terms of not writing a bigger piece, seems like a keystyle! Not bad though

Innov- the guy who robbed me in the final, arch nemesis, 0-2 record against… now you’re about to get hate voted on like a motherfucker… ahahaha only joking lad!
first part is really good tbf, hopefully its leading to some sick metaphor or turns out hes the reaper or something (getting dressed to kill lol)

“But he never sores from the cuts, yet he soars with each open door “

“The one pulling the strings until life becomes a knot. – these lines stood out”

ummm second part, shrouded in mystery, continues the piece at an interesting pace, makes me want to read on. feels like a metaphor for holding himself together atm??

third part, feels like up to this point, you’ve made someone tying his tie into something more meaningful, very dope, madness lol. Yeah that’s surely ‘death’, the ending line/ paragraph is really good imo. Ive got used to the fact that technically you’re not gonna shine as much as others, but for what this is, its great, this is you in your element and you have to appreciate that. Some will like it, others wont. Good read

Mr J – about ten lines in, flows better than the others, not a fan of using the same ending rhymes/ words but it makes for a smooth, more enjoyable read so ill forgive ya haha! no idea where this is going, im intrigued.
Whoa didn’t expect that ending!!! tried to process this, it come out of nowhere
just researched who Mary Kay Letourneau was, wtf!!
so you’re the girl (12) and has somehow gained (or his gaining) revenge on the world in a bitter state? Believing everyone else is evil as well. this ending needs clearing up to me in all honestly. if it was concise youd probably get the W

I got innov

[Inno]

Thank you!!