WEEK VI: Ender vs Innovator[ENDER WINS]

[Inno]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 8

Verses are due MONDAY at 11:59 EST

Voting ends WEDNESDAY at 9:00 EST

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

Ender vs Innovator

Goodluck!

[Ender]

Of Rats and Death: A Tale from Mind City

Prologue
The world’s stopped turning, time in stasis
A silence; graceless, surrounds crying faces
Perhaps dying spaces are ever caught in a moment
Fraught and non-volant, haunted and potent
Resisting encroachment of the changing tides
Raging inside to not allow grief to wane or subside
Pain magnified, ties left uncabled and snapped
A fatal attack, his friend’s head cradled in his lap
Unable to wrap his mind around where the day led
What his mate said before he lay dead
A slow smile spread, as was his stout friend’s habit
Spent his last pained breath “Tell me about the rabbits...”

Chapter One
It’s always dusk here in Mind City
Romantic and dangerous, and kind of pretty
The streets lined with gritty gas lights flickering
I hear men dickering, or maybe quietly bickering
Violently flicking cigarette butts away as they chat
Chewing the fat over the screeching of some stray cat
I’m quickly away from that hurrying down the road
I could hear the rats scurrying away as I strode
My destination; opposite Corleone’s Stocks and Loans
The famous detective offices of one Mr. Sherlock Holmes
As I entered, Holmes looked up without a tinge of alarm
Then went back to concentrating on the syringe in his arm
“You impinge on my privacy, sir”, his tone was bleak
“We’re closed for the night, and perhaps for the week”
I moved in uninvited, and took a seat
And though he tried to glare, his look had no heat
He didn’t speak again until I’d observed his injection
“Now tell me why you think you deserve my attention”
I tried to control my apprehension and clear my head
“I’m here with a case, we should wait for John,” I said
He nodded his head calmly, then calm shatters with rage
His peace in tatters; a lion, and I rattled his cage
He grabbed his aged typewriter, threw it at the wall
Then flipped his desk and all, nearly making me fall
“Don’t mention that rat to me!” Holmes spat
Obviously a sore spot, I made a note of that
I decided to press on, despite his mental state
“I need you to reveal who sealed Lennie’s fate”
I saw his anger abate and he looked more intrigued
“An interesting need since I’d heard it was your deed”
With speed I slammed the door to my memory shut
To not relive finding him in that alley with his throat cut
I rebut “That’s a lie that Steinbeck told right to a cop’s face”
With no trace of his opinion Holmes said “I’ll take the case”





Topic - A little book on the human shadow

[Inno]

Hall of the Slain



The dragon age disintegrates all
That has been and regenerates none
Prolific lit tongue integrates rhetoric
In the faces of our sons, now pessimists ‘
From the fear of all out pestilence.
So they cower the cowards sour at the
Site of the beast

But we must defend……



Setting anchor at the foot of the beast’ layer
Eager bodies spill over to meet death’ prayer.
Swiftly we cover ground like rain drops in a storm
Some shout with glee while others quiet their groans.
All battle prone

She’s a feet, a monument of a task
With said fact we march east
To kill the scaly hag
A steady wind and sturdy boat
A ready sword and lumpy throat
Nerves itching from under the skin
Wars inching closer, its wonder is sin
To the pits we march and death steps aside
We tip toe in the mush, almost burning alive
Up the river bend and through the flames
the dragon is set to play its raindeer games.
.

The great beast nears cutting the wind with its wings
Soaring majestically when it wales it sings.
Such beauty I almost get lost in the darkness it brings.
As archers spill ammo trying to pierce its skin
The wind breezes an air of victory’ whim(delusion’ spin)
Finally!!

The beast lands moving the ground like sand grains
Letting out a roar, mouth gaped showing hell’s gates.
One by one my army is cut down to burnt ashes,
Scores of men lay in ruin at the feet of this beast’ actions.
In mere second we lose hope of victory’s treasures
At this point the remaining welcome death as pleasure.


But the beast is too good with his killings and gets distracted
With the river of blood soaking his feet, enough time for a reaction.

I drop my shield and ready my sword as I run towards the beast with one intention. To kill it. One solid strike to the heart and this will over kill of death will not go in vain. As the blade pierces through the great beast’ heart, he lets out a scream that shakes the bones offf my core. Finally it dies and the men left still alive let out and equally load roar that shook my bones into place. As I turned to join in the celebrations, I see on the ground the shade taking shape.....into wings.


https://img00.deviantart.net/af62/i/2014/020/a/1/dragon_battle_by_sigbjornpedersen-d6xox26.jpg

[Adonis]

Ender - First off, the flow in this verse was nice my man. Concise thoughts tucked inside of a formulaic verse. All patterned together nicely with a rhythmic sway. As for the story, it was cool and all, but I feel like as a stand alone work of art it's lacking something severely. I gather the rat in the situation is loosely based on actualy rats but more in terms of the snitch definition in urban dictionary. Solid read all in all, but story was lacking background, and just saying a character name in a real movie wasn't enough to paint me a picture of who these characters really were deep down.


Vator - The way you incorporated the photo was dope, how you explained everything up to the second the photo was taken. Gave the verse and photo life equally. The story was cool, though I'm not into reading religious works really. This may not have gone full blown religious, but it had hints. Flow was cool, short read given it's length really. Some bars were stretched thin for rhymes sake, others flowed fluidly. Overall, not the most consistent, but it was a nice read.


V/ ender

all in all his verse was just more enjoyable to me. He had the cleaner verse aesthetically, and while they each told a rather good story, Enders had a double meaning tucked away deep if you could find it. And for that reason alone, I gotta give him the nod.

[Inno]

Ender, cool verse. The mechanics of it were on point, and I know there's much more of 'subtle' hints that you've put together that throw the piece together, unfortunately, I'm not that brushed up on all that history. I caught glimpses of Mice & Men, Lennie, John, Sherlock, I'm sure that all tied in together but I haven't touched on that type of literature in 10+ years. In other words, I appreciate that you've put those together, but I can't FULLY appreciate how everything ties in. That leaves me to voting on this based on how much I enjoyed it, and how it was technically put together. I liked it. I have no complaints, it flowed well, the mechanics were on point, etc. I'm sure someone who reads this would like it all more if they're able to connect the dots, but that's the risk to take when you go into more direct specifics as opposed to keeping it vague, and "made up". I still thought this verse was dope though, solid, solid drop.

Inno, not a fan of the beginning segment. Felt like it was just there, to be there.

Swiftly we cover ground like rain drops in a storm

That made me cringe. Seems like a very, very basic simile. Kind of reminded me of some old Lil Wayne punchline like, really dude- on some, I'm hot like the sun.. I know it's not that basic but, who would compare rain drops in a storm to covering ground.. I dunno, it was just weird. Weird enough to make me write a paragraph about it.

Did you mean to have the last part just one long ass line? I felt like if it would've been broken up into "bars" it would've made for a smoother finish. I really liked how the shadow formed into its wings.. imagining yourself thinking you won, & seeing that- your stomach drops. That was dope still. being able to invoke a feeling through words.

The great beast nears cutting the wind with its wings
Soaring majestically when it wales it sings.
Such beauty I almost get lost in the darkness it brings.

I liked that part too. I was kind of disappointed with the ending because I had read that little section, and it just went back to normal after that. The closer could've brought it back up but, it just didn't come off too smooth. Overall, this had some ups & downs. The ups were really high up, and the downs, were really down. If you could've kept a decent pace, with those high ups, you would've had this easy.

I'm going to have to go with Ender. Overall, it was just more stable. I think a whole piece being solid, will always beat a piece that only has few moments where it shines. My vote goes to Ender

[Inno]

ender
i dig basically anything sherlock holmes so ye. not sure how it ties to topic though I haven't read it so
it seemed to hold pretty true to the characters that you were borrowing, which was cool,
and "observed his injection" part was dope (no pun plz). reminded me of my days in the PNW lol

innovator
hey I like fantasy too gg. this feels a little loose in places (the wording seems for the rhyme or something, not sure exactly). dunno it had a sort of D&D feel to it, like a DM wrote a song about a dragon. ending twist was cool, but all in all it slipped a lot for me.

mvgt ender

[Inno]

Ender vs Inno


Ender: Solid verse here this week, seemed to play it relatively safe and the multies were a lot cleaner so I applaud you on that. There are still signs of syllable mismatching that kind of irk me if I'm honest, stuff like "Mind City/kind of pretty" one had 3 syllables and other 4 so it doesn't read cleanly when read. Those are technicalitys that are easily remidied and I wish you would, it would make your verses all the harder to beat to be honest and put you in a tier bracket above what you are now I believe. The Holmes tie-in was lost on me also, but this was a good enough character sketch and scene development that it kept my interest. My main problem this week was the use of characters were already familiar with, so they don't need much backstory or development because we already know them. It was a smart idea in some respects given the max line limit but it did come off as a little lazy on your part not to develop your own and make it wholly original. That said, the storytelling and flow were a marked improvement and you look on a roll right now. Good to have you on board.

Inno: I feel like you've been testing yourself these past few weeks, going outside your comfort zone more and embracing the different approaches. This is wildly different from you, but with varying degrees of success. The opening paragraph almost mirrors your opponent, in terms of style, quite vocab-heavy I thought, but fitting to the piece. As the story progressed the line lengths crept up a little longer than were used to, maybe a sign you were pushed for time and hurried to finish perhaps. I can't really say I was a fan of the final "twist" if you will of the dragon still moving after being thought dead. The non-rhyming paragraph describing the finale kind of un-did your work beforehand by using a completely different format to what had proceeded. It would have worked far better in a rhyming paragraph as the earlier had been. That finale really lost this for you, I feel, in quite a close one. The consistency of writers writing had largely been a factor this week in many people's votes I feel, often with the consistent winning out other those with highs and lows. That might be worth bearing in mind going forward. I actually preferred Inno's concept and story more so this week, but the execution right at the key point of the story took the wind out of its sails for me. Ender gets it.

[Inno]

Ender

Of Rats and Death: A Tale from Mind City

Prologue
The world’s stopped turning, time in stasis
A silence; graceless, surrounds crying faces
Perhaps dying spaces are ever caught in a moment
Fraught and non-volant, haunted and potent

Dope scheme and pacing. It draws the reader right it. Also, and I hope this doesn't come off as me being remedial, but I can't ever recall hearing the word "volant" before reading this piece. I know it's only a simple two syllable word, but some how, and until now, it has mysteriously managed to escaped my vvocabulary. In any case, thanks for the education. I will definitely being using it at some point and time this season.

Resisting encroachment of the changing tides
Raging inside to not allow grief to wane or subside
Pain magnified, ties left uncabled and snapped
A fatal attack, his friend’s head cradled in his lap
Unable to wrap his mind around where the day led
What his mate said before he lay dead
A slow smile spread, as was his stout friend’s habit
Spent his last pained breath “Tell me about the rabbits...”

Although, the last lines is mysterious and I assume must be relevant within the lore of the Sherlock Holmes (I read this earlier) universe, I unfortunately however, am not all that well-read on the subject. In any case, the flow is flawless and the writing is captivating.

Chapter One
It’s always dusk here in Mind City
Romantic and dangerous, and kind of pretty
The streets lined with gritty gas lights flickering
I hear men dickering, or maybe quietly bickering
Violently flicking cigarette butts away as they chat
Chewing the fat over the screeching of some stray cat

That last line would have benefited from an extra adjective and syllable(s). For example, "Chewing the fat over the screeching of some ugly stray cat". Admittedly, that might have stretched the flow just a tad, but imo, by adding those two things the cypher would have sounded more complete. Other than that ... flawless imagery. I have no further qualms or critiques, but rather appreciation for what you've done here. The 'gas lights' and 'cigarettes' parts are my favorite lines thus far.

I’m quickly away from that hurrying down the road
I could hear the rats scurrying away as I strode
My destination; opposite Corleone’s Stocks and Loans
The famous detective offices of one Mr. Sherlock Holmes
As I entered, Holmes looked up without a tinge of alarm
Then went back to concentrating on the syringe in his arm
“You impinge on my privacy, sir”, his tone was bleak
“We’re closed for the night, and perhaps for the week”

I have never gotten around to actually watching the most recent Sherlock films, but I do know that they star Robert Downy Jr., and I'm definitely getting his quirky and condescending attitude from this read, which I think is really cool. Your wording here is great and you continue to paint the picture beautifully.

I moved in uninvited, and took a seat
And though he tried to glare, his look had no heat
He didn’t speak again until I’d observed his injection
“Now tell me why you think you deserve my attention”

Dope.

I tried to control my apprehension and clear my head
“I’m here with a case, we should wait for John,” I said
He nodded his head calmly, then calm shatters with rage
His peace in tatters; a lion, and I rattled his cage
He grabbed his aged typewriter, threw it at the wall
Then flipped his desk and all, nearly making me fall
“Don’t mention that rat to me!” Holmes spat
Obviously a sore spot, I made a note of that
I decided to press on, despite his mental state
“I need you to reveal who sealed Lennie’s fate”
I saw his anger abate and he looked more intrigued
“An interesting need since I’d heard it was your deed”
With speed I slammed the door to my memory shut
To not relive finding him in that alley with his throat cut
I rebut “That’s a lie that Steinbeck told right to a cop’s face”
With no trace of his opinion Holmes said “I’ll take the case”

Lol. Love the ending. It went from 0 to 60 real quick, then right back to 0 just as fast.

Okay, so overall this was a superb verse in my opinion. It was kind of like an excerpt of a much bigger novel. The plot wasn't completely filled in, but it didn't necessarily have holes in it either. Instead, the way it ended was more of a cliff hanger and a "to be continued" type of deal. Which is cool. Aside from that, I'd just like to add I dug your mechanical usage. You're flow was spot-on and your verse read and looked extremely focused and clean. Salute. This was a standout performance.


Innovator

Hall of the Slain

The dragon age disintegrates allfat wife
That has been and regenerates none
Prolific lit tongue integrates rhetoricfat wife
In the faces of our sons, now pessimists ‘
From the fear of all out pestilence.
So they cower the cowards sour at thefat wife
Site of the beast

But we must defend……

Cool intro. Some of the language was a bit cryptic. So metaphorical to the point it's true intent is left open for interpretation. I mean, I understand the basic premise is that you and your --let's say clan -- are about to fight a dangerous dragon, but I wish the build up was a little more straightforward.

Setting anchor at the foot of the beast’ layer
Eager bodies spill over to meet death’ prayer.

My grammar sucks. I'll admit that it does. With that said, forgive me for being a hypocritical grammar Nazi, but the stanza above has an unnecessarily apostrophe on the word "pessimists" (there's no need to show possession) and in the quoted section above the word "death" is missing an 's'. OAN, I dig where this is headed.

Swiftly we cover ground like rain drops in a storm
Some shout with glee while others quiet their groans.fat wife
All battle prone

"Storm" and "groan" don't rhym all that well. Mechanics aside, I love the tone and suspense. You're doing a good job building up the drama.

She’s a feet, a monument of a task
With said fact we march east
To kill the scaly hag

Dope; both the wording and imagery. "Scaly hag". I love that. It really fits into the midevil content and world you're creating.

A steady wind and sturdy boat
A ready sword and lumpy throat

Dope.

Nerves itching from under the skin
Wars inching closer, its wonder is sinfat wife
To the pits we march and death steps aside
We tip toe in the mush, almost burning alive
Up the river bend and through the flames
the dragon is set to play its raindeer games.

I'm not sure whether or not if that "modern" reference seems out of place given the time period being explored. But no bother. I'm digging the rhymes and the imagery here. I'm not only reading this verse, I'm experiencing it. I feel like I'm in the marsh with you -- sword and shield in hand.

The great beast nears cutting the wind with its wings
Soaring majestically when it wales it sings.fat wife
Such beauty I almost get lost in the darkness it brings.fat wife
As archers spill ammo trying to pierce its skin
The wind breezes an air of victory’ whim(delusion’ spin)
Finally!![

"Cutting the wind", "Soaring majestically when it wales it sings", "archers spill ammo" <-- I find those examples to be very choice and meticulous details that serve to increase the visual aspect and the believability of your suspended reality. Descriptive and top notch writing.

The beast lands moving the ground like sand grainsfat wife
Letting out a roar, mouth gaped showing hell’s gates.fat wife
One by one my army is cut down to burnt ashes,fat wife
Scores of men lay in ruin at the feet of this beast’ actions.fat wife
In mere second we lose hope of victory’s treasuresfat wife
At this point the remaining welcome death as pleasure.

Nice. The action is picturesque.

But the beast is too good with his killings and gets distractedfat wife
With the river of blood soaking his feet, enough time for a reaction.fat wife

I drop my shield and ready my sword as I run towards the beast with one intention. To kill it. One solid strike to the heart and this will over kill of death will not go in vain. As the blade pierces through the great beast’ heart, he lets out a scream that shakes the bones offf my core. Finally it dies and the men left still alive let out and equally load roar that shook my bones into place. As I turned to join in the celebrations, I see on the ground the shade taking shape.....into wings.

"It's eye's gleam". I wish you would have ended with a small quip such as that. But whatever. The ending was still dope as fuck.

Okay, so overall, I thought this was a great verse. Your imagery was obviously the primary focal point and the vocabulary was also a beautifully laced component that helped to make this verse a fantastic read.

Vote -- Ender

I thought this was an exceptional battle. You both seemed up for the challange and neither of you disappointed with your efforts. Tbh, I liked Inno's story slightly more. It read more adventurous to me. However, Ender's had more curiosity and mystery to it. So in all fairness it was a really tough decision choosing a winner. Thus, what it came down to was mechanics. I think you cancelled each other out in the flow/scheme department, but where Ender gets the nod is in relation to his overall synthax and wording. In that regard he was flawless, whereas Inno had a slew of really fantastically worded lines, but also had a few burps and hiccups along the way such as this ...

" One solid strike to the heart and this will over kill of death will not go in vain."

Honestly, though, this match was a treat to read. You both killed your topics. Peace