WEEK VII: Symetrik vs King Ra.[KING RA. WINS]

[Inno]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 8

Verses are due FRIDAY at 11:59 EST

Voting ends SUNDAY at 9:00 EST

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

symetrik vs King Ra.

Goodluck!

[symetrik]

Hey whattup check. you wanna do same topic or?

https://i.imgur.com/tgCV3Sp.jpg

[King Ra.]

Here. I will write to the image you've selected, sir.

[symetrik]

https://i.imgur.com/tgCV3Sp.jpg

The Last Five Minutes
I woke to the morning mist gripped 'round my curious feet,
which peeked out beneath sleep and the comfort of down sheets
considering clouds that creep through town corridors soundless,
carefully scouting the day's dawn, diligent to the dangers of braving the mountains.
... out here, the sun rays that break through are both breath-taking and countless.
"the ground's cold and needs leaves" - the first thing that Firbolgs teach
cuz the dirt will leach heat 'til your brains freeze and teeth birth words of slurred speech.
the earth's cursed and doesn't mean to worsen the physique,
it's just trying to be nourishing the weak, while birds dirge a ditty sitting pretty in the trees.

but right... me. I'm 23, 5'8", and my name's Regan,
and recently, I've been receiving the awfulest treatment.
I've been framed for maiming sheep... and accidentally summoning demons.
people decreed I released evil behemoths... granted their freedom.
single-handedly chanted, standing and bleeding to seemingly plan an agreement.
the whole damn panic expanded from phantoms that roamed roads,
not to mention the ***kling crows, flown where the bones grow.
omens of woe, rattling-chains-in-a-robe and the feeling of hope? low.
I suppose the sole secret, who planted the seed "heathen" only Odin would know.

it's time to wrap up, enough flashbacks
cuz only moments ago, they noticed my actual tracks.
I was caught on my own, casually strolling 'til three twigs tangibly snapped.
17, and you're frozen! ah... somatic and spoken, the classic components of magical traps.
bzzt and lost focus, note it: you're binded and defeaned.
awesomely ended... I'm already excited to write the next session!

[King Ra.]

The Fall of Man


https://i.imgur.com/tgCV3Sp.jpg


I am.... surrounded.
It's astounding, how did I manage to get caught?
They say that 'battles are won, wars are lost'-
my heart is pounding.
Three armed adversaries trot around me,
how could this had possibly happen?
O' Mighty One, hear my cry,
for I know nothing at all, I'm saddened.


Yo-
A gatherer of sorcerer's stones that gives one logic & power,
wisdom & knowledge to rise above it all and conquer the hours.
Enemies cowered and crawled, devoured, skulls cracked and scattered,
no matter the call, I made sure their blood splattered the walls.
These were times of ancient scribes who scribbled rhymes of reason,
hieroglyphs were riddles, signs decoded by minds of genius.
Wizards went to war against warlocks, hooded thieves practiced the art of the steal,
magic was a mastered craft that only the iron hearted could wield.
I studied the stars and drew maps of God's throne in the heavens,
I bent time at my will & might, turning minutes to seconds.
Growing stronger by the day, I felt the pleasure of unleashing a savage rage,
parting seas that formed tidal waves, cities turned to underwater graves.
Most would say I was brave, others would say that I was too prideful,
maybe that's when it started, the loss of respect, not being mindful.
I roamed the forest that day and got caught in a trap,
my adversaries came out of the shadows and started to clap.
The witch sat atop of her stallion and starting chanting a spell,
a hole in the earth formed, opened up and I saw the fires of hell.
I tried my best to escape the grasp of the pentagrams streams
but with each attempt, pain struck my core violently- I started to scream.


I am.... surrounded.
It's astounding, how did I manage to get caught?
They say that 'battles are won, wars are lost'-
my heart is pounding.
Three armed adversaries trot around me,
how could this had possibly happen?
O' Mighty One, hear my cry,
for I know nothing at all, I'm saddened.

[Rude]

SYMETRIK

The Last Five Minutes
I woke to the morning mist gripped 'round my curious feet,
which peeked out beneath sleep and the comfort of down sheets
considering clouds that creep through town corridors soundless,
carefully scouting the day's dawn, diligent to the dangers of braving the mountains.
... out here, the sun rays that break through are both breath-taking and countless.
"the ground's cold and needs leaves" - the first thing that Firbolgs teach
cuz the dirt will leach heat 'til your brains freeze and teeth birth words of slurred speech.
the earth's cursed and doesn't mean to worsen the physique,
it's just trying to be nourishing the weak, while birds dirge a ditty sitting pretty in the trees.
I like that you went for imagery right here setting the scene. There were definitely some great spots of flow and rhyme patterns as well as poetic devices that showcased skill.
However, the first 2 lines keep me detached from the photo topic, as the character here
is obviously detached from the scene themselves. Kind of paints the picture of a gamer waking up in bed getting ready to sign onto his favorite RPG game. Maybe that's what you're going for, we'll see.


but right... me. I'm 23, 5'8", and my name's Regan,
and recently, I've been receiving the awfulest treatment.
I've been framed for maiming sheep... and accidentally summoning demons.

Ok yeah definitely getting the RPG/Video game vibe from this.

people decreed I released evil behemoths... granted their freedom.
single-handedly chanted, standing and bleeding to seemingly plan an agreement.

This part was flow af. Hands down the best couplet so far.

the whole damn panic expanded from phantoms that roamed roads,
not to mention the ***kling crows, flown where the bones grow.
omens of woe, rattling-chains-in-a-robe and the feeling of hope? low.
I suppose the sole secret, who planted the seed "heathen" only Odin would know.
ahh I like the last two lines here as well for the repetitive rhyming patterns and multis.
Reads so clean.


it's time to wrap up, enough flashbacks
cuz only moments ago, they noticed my actual tracks.
I was caught on my own, casually strolling 'til three twigs tangibly snapped.
17, and you're frozen! ah... somatic and spoken, the classic components of magical traps.
love the last two lines here too, the inners and multis just work so well together.

bzzt and lost focus, note it: you're binded and defeaned.
awesomely ended... I'm already excited to write the next session!

So based on what I read I came to 3 conclusions...
1. The protagonist here is a gamer in a RPG game.
2. They are LARPing.
3. They are an author/writer, and this is adding onto the ongoing story.

in any case they're all cool. I'd choose option 3 if i had to guess at one.
The only con I see here is you spent that first large chunk of material
with imagery on the forest and not on the actual action you see in the scene.




KING RA


I am.... surrounded.
It's astounding, how did I manage to get caught?
They say that 'battles are won, wars are lost'-
my heart is pounding.
Three armed adversaries trot around me,
how could this had possibly happen?
O' Mighty One, hear my cry,
for I know nothing at all, I'm saddened.

Ohh I gotta say at first glance I would have never seen the archers in the corners of the picture, you definitely made me go back and look again because all I seen was the person in the center and the one on horseback. I also didn't realize the man in the center was being trapped at first, honestly assumed he was casting a spell of some sort. (although I picked the last part up reading Sym's verse) Great way to use imagery to draw attention to detail on the archers though. love this section it feel genuine, like a plea for help in a life or death situation.


Yo-
A gatherer of sorcerer's stones that gives one logic & power,
wisdom & knowledge to rise above it all and conquer the hours.
Enemies cowered and crawled, devoured, skulls cracked and scattered,
no matter the call, I made sure their blood splattered the walls.

I like the unpredictable pattern of rhyme here.

These were times of ancient scribes who scribbled rhymes of reason,
hieroglyphs were riddles, signs decoded by minds of genius.
Wizards went to war against warlocks, hooded thieves practiced the art of the steal,
magic was a mastered craft that only the iron hearted could wield.

I like the story so far, I'm hooked in. I like the alliteration that you put on the Wizards went to war line, however it did seem a bit long winded to try to say outloud - compared to the rest of the lines.

I studied the stars and drew maps of God's throne in the heavens,
I bent time at my will & might, turning minutes to seconds.
Growing stronger by the day, I felt the pleasure of unleashing a savage rage,
parting seas that formed tidal waves, cities turned to underwater graves.

last two lines seem like they're alluding to the lost city of Atlantis, if so - bravo.
That was cool little easter egg.. if not - it fits and is happy accident.

Most would say I was brave, others would say that I was too prideful,
maybe that's when it started, the loss of respect, not being mindful.

I like this part although it's not directly related, it does bare some allusion to the famous
Spider-man quote "with great power comes great responsibility"

I roamed the forest that day and got caught in a trap,
my adversaries came out of the shadows and started to clap.
The witch sat atop of her stallion and starting chanting a spell,
a hole in the earth formed, opened up and I saw the fires of hell.
I tried my best to escape the grasp of the pentagrams streams
but with each attempt, pain struck my core violently- I started to scream.
Its cool that you gave personality to the bg characters (i.e. the person on the horse is now a female witch - it gives the story more depth) I like the ending here.
Another superhero movie quote this reminds me of is "Absolute power corrupts absolutely"
I feel like that was something else displayed through the story here.


I am.... surrounded.
It's astounding, how did I manage to get caught?
They say that 'battles are won, wars are lost'-
my heart is pounding.
Three armed adversaries trot around me,
how could this had possibly happen?
O' Mighty One, hear my cry,
for I know nothing at all, I'm saddened.

I like that you repeated the first stanza again, it made this like a book or movie that starts in medias res, where you're not sure of the context. At the beginning you could assume that the
protagonist here is being hunted for who only knows, usually the first train of thought is he is innocent - why are these people hunting him down? and by the end of the story you've turned the protagonist into the antagonist that was corrupted by the power he sought.





VOTE
I am not sure if my vote will count as I signed up for next week and missed out this week.
If it does ...(if not - disregard and let it be feedback)

mvgt King Ra for a more consistent/completely enveloping storyline

[ACTIVATE SELF]

Symetrik

The Last Five Minutes
I woke to the morning mist gripped 'round my curious feet,
which peeked out beneath sleep and the comfort of down sheets
considering clouds that creep through town corridors soundless,
carefully scouting the day's dawn, diligent to the dangers of braving the mountains.

Dope. The flow, the rhymth and the pacing are all spot on. Seamlessly written. So much so, that the only word I can think of to describe your intro is 'liquid'. High quality H20, my dude. Also, the imagery is suitably visual.

... out here, the sun rays that break through are both breath-taking and countless.
"the ground's cold and needs leaves" - the first thing that Firbolgs teach
cuz the dirt will leach heat 'til your brains freeze and teeth birth words of slurred speech.
the earth's cursed and doesn't mean to worsen the physique,
it's just trying to be nourishing the weak, while birds dirge a ditty sitting pretty in the trees.

The flow is there. I definitely peep the cleverness of the technique. However, some of the word choices here were not as meticulously chosen as they had been in the previously quote section above.

Things like "teeth birth words", "trying to be nourishing [to] the weak" and "birds dirge a ditty", could be tighten up a bit so that the syntax of your lines reads more fluidly and natural (imo).

but right... me. I'm 23, 5'8", and my name's Regan,
and recently, I've been receiving the awfulest treatment.

"Awfulest" goes hand-and-hand with what I meantioned above.

I've been framed for maiming sheep... and accidentally summoning demons.
people decreed I released evil behemoths... granted their freedom.
single-handedly chanted, standing and bleeding to seemingly plan an agreement.

Nice. Nice. The wording adds up. Everything reads fluidly and the story itself is really starting to come to life.

the whole damn panic expanded from phantoms that roamed roads,
not to mention the ***kling crows, flown where the bones grow.
omens of woe, rattling-chains-in-a-robe and the feeling of hope? low.
I suppose the sole secret, who planted the seed "heathen" only Odin would know.

I'm not a fan of "where the bones grow". I just feel like there was a better word to use than grow.

Aside from that. This section was super solid, imagnative and fun to read. The mechanics were also pretty dope.

it's time to wrap up, enough flashbacks
cuz only moments ago, they noticed my actual tracks.fat wife
I was caught on my own, casually strolling 'til three twigs tangibly snapped.
17, and you're frozen!fat wifeah... somatic and spoken, the classic components of magical traps.

Boom. 100% real butter here, and a nice tie-in to the picture.

bzztfat wifeand lost focus,fat wifenote it: you're binded and defeaned.
awesomely ended... I'm already excited to write the next session!

Cool way to end it.

Okay, so your character seemed to be some sort of novice level magician. Who is not fully in control of his powers. As a consequence to this he ends up wreaking havoc on the entire township. Dope.


King Ra

I am.... surrounded.
It's astounding, how did I manage to get caught?
They say thatfat wife'battles are won, wars are lost'-

That last line is simple, but reads so philosophically proverbial that it gave me pause. Love it.

my heart is pounding.
Three armed adversaries trot around me,
how could this had possibly happen?
O' Mighty One, hear my cry,
for I know nothing at all, I'm saddened.

I can sense the intensity and suspense. The words are fluid and I believe in what you're selling -- character-wise.

Yo-
A gatherer of sorcerer's stones that gives one logic & power,
wisdom & knowledge to rise above it all and conquer the hours.

Nice. Your writing is very clean and free of hiccups and errors. "Conquer the hours". That's interesting. Are you alluding to controling time and space? Either way, I liked it.

Enemies cowered and crawled, devoured, skulls cracked and scattered,
no matter the call, I made sure their blood splattered the walls.
These were times of ancient scribes who scribbled rhymes of reason,
hieroglyphs were riddles, signs decoded by minds of genius.

Whew. That's fire. 100% in the pocket.

Wizards went to war against warlocks, hooded thieves practiced the art of the steal,

"The art of the steel". One word. Dope.

magic was a mastered craft that only the iron hearted could wield.
I studied the stars and drew maps of God's throne in the heavens,
I bent time at my will & might, turning minutes to seconds.

Smh. You must play a lot of Dungeons and Dragons or Magic The Gathering or something? I mean you're completely in the zone as far as the content goes. Not to mentioned technique ain't bad at all.

Growing stronger by the day, I felt the pleasure of unleashing a savage rage,
parting seas that formed tidal waves, cities turned to underwater graves.
Most would say I was brave, others would say that I was too prideful,
maybe that's when it started, the loss of respect, not being mindful.
I roamed the forest that day and got caught in a trap,
my adversaries came out of the shadows and started to clap.
The witch sat atop of her stallion and starting chanting a spell,
a hole in the earth formed, opened up and I saw the fires of hell.
I tried my best to escape the grasp of the pentagrams streams
but with each attempt, pain struck my core violently- I started to scream.

*Adjust 3D glasses while scarfing down a bucket of popcorn*

Tell me more.

I am.... surrounded.
It's astounding, how did I manage to get caught?
They say thatfat wife'battles are won, wars are lost'-
my heart is pounding.
Three armed adversaries trot around me,
how could this had possibly happen?
O' Mighty One, hear my cry,
for I know nothing at all, I'm saddened.

Okay, okay, employing the poetic device of repetition. Nice way to end it.

Vote - King Ra

Reason: I like both verses. However here's the thing, Symetrik's verse was very imagnative, entertaining and had superb flow, but the downside was that it also had some blotchy word choices. Whereas King Ra's verse was also very imaginative, entertaining and he too had a superb flow, but the only downside to his verse was that it ended. Feel me?

Nice battle guys. I enjoyed the ride. You both got skills. Peace.

[2tripple0]

hmm I would have given this battle of the week in my opinion... I've read two of the other battles so far and I think this one both battlers really went in on the topic... I have to say this battle was very close and it really could have gone either way... the only thing I could take from it was I didn't really enjoy the topic that much in general the picture was just too I don't know not netcee if you feel me... it was too like sci fi style and I think both of you went in on it well for what it was... hmm im going look through it one more time before I give my kind of critique on it er whatever but here it goes...

okay for me the first dude symetrik seemed very forced to me although I enjoyed his writing and the first time I read the verse it did seem very fluid but looking at it again just at a glance er whatever I think there were parts where the wording was off maybe he was going for effect but for me it just seemed sloppy whereas the second dude just seemed to roll off the toungue... I also liked king ra's take on the subject matter it did seem like he knew what he was talking about which I cool I guess to a degree if the subject wasn't so corny... lol anyways he did alright I liked how he spinned the last verse back to the first that was cool made ya kind of think at the end... anyways this is what I took from this battle... I think the second verse was written a bit better and the first one was kind of all over the place it had no basic topic that it stuck to the entire time... just my opinion but yeah...

vote: king ra

[Inno]

So both verses were eerily similar, both were about a witch like character or warlock type that gets captured in the end. This makes the voting easy for me cause it shows the differences clearly. Ra had the better more difficult rhyme patterns, though the multies slacked near the end. Syms ending sort of through me off because it ended with you talking about writing more. But that was the only time you mentioned a narrator of sorts. It kind of just through an extra loop at the end, an unnecessary loop at that. Those were literally The only two real glaring differences as the two verses, as I said, were so similar. For these reasons .I will add that you both did well as far as character bills up. You both explained why this thing was sought after and captured concisely.

Vote King ra

[Inno]

Symetrik, super solid writer. Imagery is on point, flow is good, and just a very well worded piece. Thing is, there's a lot of writers at this level & higher, so I always feel it's more so about critiquing things I personally didn't like. So, here we go.


cuz the dirt will leach heat 'til your brains freeze and teeth birth words of slurred speech.

it's just trying to be nourishing the weak, while birds dirge a ditty sitting pretty in the trees.

Things started off good. Starting setting up the story, imagery was on point, threw in hints of alliteration, and not overdone so kudos on that, then that line hit.

I feel like you overdid it on the internals & it just made it sound really choppy and disturbed the flow of the piece. "it's just trying to be nourishing the weak".. That just doesn't make sense, and it distracts me from having a thorough read.

Regan though? Sounds like an odd name, just for the sake of rhyming.


people decreed I released evil behemoths... granted their freedom.
single-handedly chanted, standing and bleeding to seemingly plan an agreement.


The scheme on that was slick, good shit.

I had an issue with pointing out that it was "three" twigs that snapped. Lol, I dunno why. Anyways, solid piece. I'm not sure how all three little segments tie in together, I'm kind of confused about that. The first part set up a story with some dope imagery, then the second part was introducing a character, and the last segment felt like it was more so a writer just wrapping up a writing session. I wish it would've been more clear how it all ties in, with the title you gave the verse, as well as the picture that was used. All in all, the piece was solid. I enjoyed reading it, and the few issues I had with it, aren't enough to stop it from being a dope verse.



O' Mighty One, hear my cry,

Seems like you like using this kind of wording. More so, the actual words, 'ancient' words & what not. O Mighty One, I dunno. It's weird to me cuz nobody talks like that, but yeah. Personal issue about ish' like that.


Yo-

Went from O' Mighty One, to Yo. Cool.

The whole verse was super solid. The flow was on point, the wording was great, there was nothing I saw that made me cringe or question why you wrote what you wrote. Everything fell together nicely. Well written verse. I'm not a huge fan of these kind of verses. Well, not the verse itself, just the topic & how you approached it. The whole, elves, magic, wizards, lord of the ring type shit- I just don't want to read a rap version of that type of thing. As far as a writer, you're on point. So, I guess at this point of your writing, it's more so catering to yourself, the audience, or finding a nice comfort area in between both.

Both verses were well written. I enjoyed reading both, and although there was less flaws in King Ra's verse, I'm just not a fan of the topic at hand. With that being said, I have to vote for symetrik simply because I enjoyed it more.

vote-symetrik