WEEK VIII: Problumatic vs King Ra.

[Inno]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 8

Verses are due THURSDAY at 11:59PM EST

Voting ends SUNDAY at 9:00PM EST

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

Problumatic vs King Ra.

Goodluck!

[Problumatic]

Check

[King Ra.]

Here.

[Problumatic]

https://previews.123rf.com/images/reddogs/reddogs1301/reddogs130100038/17570298-old-stone-church-tower-clock.jpg

The Stone Clock

She was waitin' on the corner of the street
Rain pouring down, it was stormin', there was sleet
Pants tore, lookin' for a portion of the check
While the land lord been informing her to leave
sorting through the grief on the border of defeat
Winter snow, snort it low, until the torture decreased
But all I ever wanted was the best for you
You need warmth baby, I would burn to death for you
I seen depth in you, seen you falling apart, seen the severed roots
I Seen you bargain tomorrow...tryna offer today,
Hope darkness would fade, tarnished in sorrow, till ya carcass decays
You Put a end to the truth as soon as you’d start lies
I’d pretend but I knew, consumed with a harsh vibe
muted and walked by, the usual, you’d do, ya know, suitable heart line..
It spikes up like the feeling I felt when I lay with you...
So numb to the situation, numb, til the pain hits you...
Stained tissue...Blame with the same quick use..
I’d often put it down..pick it up soon as them lips move
She was addicted for life..for life you were addicted..
She was inflicted with darkness, it shed light on the image
It was a brisk morning and the bird chirped with dismay...
the touch of the sun burned worse for much of the day...
she needed a cure for the itch..relief served for the veins...
She grabbed her purse off the counter..my knees jerking in place..

I pleaded...please don’t go!!!!

My tears burst in a rage...

She looked me in my eyes.. and suddenly time stood still...
A clock made from stone.. that only moved for invited thrills...
Silence filled the room and the home we’ve come to known...
the drugs impulse stung my soul..it made her a gutless clone..
so much to know...so little to figure out.. but I had little doubt..she’d filter it out
I’ve considered it now..should I just leave you be....
Stop paying the bills..let you live on the street?
Stop paying attention..let you live in defeat.?
Paying to stop..to stop is to pay.. wait.. is stopping paying too?
I was confused...
I let you walk out of the door by evading the truth..
And to this moment still look back on the days of our youth..
so embrasive to relation..to forsaken and used..
You never came back and I never went looking..
I walked these train tracks..feeling dented and shooken.
Because when I stumbled upon you..you had a foot in the grave..
But this time we crossed paths.. there’s only a Bouquet..
I stared up at your name..I felt the chills down my spine..
Tears run down my face as fast as you ran out of my life.
Wishing I would of saved you..but this is fate interjecting

your tombstone, the same the stone clock.

Ticking in an aimless direction....

[Inno]

King Ra.

[ACTIVATE SELF]

Damn. Didn't even see this until now. I'll drop some thoughts on it in a bit.

[ACTIVATE SELF]

Prob, aren't you originally from RB/RIA or am I tripping?

https://previews.123rf.com/images/reddogs/reddogs1301/reddogs130100038/17570298-old-stone-church-tower-clock.jpg

The Stone Clock

She was waitin' on the corner of the street
Rain pouring down, it was stormin', there was sleet
Pants tore, lookin' for a portion of the check
While the land lord been informing her to leave
sorting through the grief on the border of defeat
Winter snow, snort it low, until the torture decreased
But all I ever wanted was the best for you
You need warmth baby, I would burn to death for you
I seen depth in you, seen you falling apart, seen the severed roots
I Seen you bargain tomorrow...tryna offer today,
Hope darkness would fade, tarnished in sorrow, till ya carcass decays

Not sure what the topic/concept is just yet. However, your pen game is on point. The wording is sharp and the flow is super nice. Just waiting for the actual story to reveal itself.

You Put a end to the truth as soon as you’d start lies
I’d pretend but I knew, consumed with a harsh vibe
muted and walked by, the usual, you’d do, ya know, suitable heart line..

Dope.

It spikes up like the feeling I felt when I lay with you...
So numb to the situation, numb, til the pain hits you...
Stained tissue...Blame with the same quick use..
I’d often put it down..pick it up soon as them lips move
She was addicted for life..for life you were addicted..
She was inflicted with darkness, it shed light on the image
It was a brisk morning and the bird chirped with dismay...
the touch of the sun burned worse for much of the day...
she needed a cure for the itch..relief served for the veins...
She grabbed her purse off the counter..my knees jerking in place..

I pleaded...please don’t go!!!!


My tears burst in a rage...

You seem upset, but in a sad way. Not an angry way. Thus, how and why would your tears "burst in a rage?". Also, "she was inflicted with darkness, it shed light on the image". <-- I think 'afflicted by...' is what you meant to say. Although, I do realize you're using "with" as an inner and also as a pairing slant for "image", but still it reads kind of weird. Furthermore, how does being "inflicted with darkness shed light" on anything? That confused me. Everything else was super solid though.

She looked me in my eyes.. and suddenly time stood still...
A clock made from stone.. that only moved for invited thrills...
Silence filled the room and the home we’ve come to known...
the drugs impulse stung my soul..it made her a gutless clone..
so much to know...so little to figure out.. but I had little doubt..she’d filter it out
I’ve considered it now..should I just leave you be....
Stop paying the bills..let you live on the street?
Stop paying attention..let you live in defeat.?

You're flow is masterfully composed and constructed. You're wording is clean and clear and well timed. So much so, that it seems nearly each and every line hits with the force of a punchline even when there is no such thing present. It's hard to describe it as delivery since it's not an audio. Maybe diction is a better choice of wording. Regardless, and semantics aside, you have whatever "it" is in spades, bruh.

However, I still don't know what this story is all about. I understand you're painting the picture of a loving but ultimately troubled relationship, but to what effect? I wonder. Guess I"ll just have to keep reading to find out.

Paying to stop..to stop is to pay.. wait.. is stopping paying too?
I was confused...
I let you walk out of the door by evading the truth..
And to this moment still look back on the days of our youth..
so embrasive to relation..to forsaken and used..
You never came back and I never went looking..
I walked these train tracks..feeling dented and shooken.
Because when I stumbled upon you..you had a foot in the grave..
But this time we crossed paths.. there’s only a Bouquet..
I stared up at your name..I felt the chills down my spine..
Tears run down my face as fast as you ran out of my life.
Wishing I would of saved you..but this is fate interjecting

your tombstone, the same the stone clock.

Ticking in an aimless direction....

"your tombstone, the same the stone clock." . Eh, maybe I'm reading that wrong, but I can't seem to make sense of what it is you're trying to say. Maybe it's grammatical? Perhaps muddled syntax? Idk the answer, but it confused me nonetheless.

So in conclusion: I THINK your story was about a lover. Then a breakup. Then she dies. Right? I actually hope I'm not right. I could have very well missed something. An undertone. Underlying theme. Layered effect. I sincerely hope I did. If not than meh. Can't really give you props for the topic/concept. It's cliche and probably tied for the most trite and overused plot line in the history of topicals. That and the drunk abusive (either sexually or physically) father template.

However, with that said. You're a damn good writer. There are no ifs, ands or buts about it. You can probably beat anyone here if given the right topic. But your last two verses, concept wise, have read like your just going through the motions. I don't mean to offend or insult you. Nor is it my intention to shit on your work. I wouldn't say you have "potential" either. You're past any sort of mechanical related constructive critisim that I can offer you. I suppose all that I'm really trying to say is to think outside the box and pick a topic that really captures the minds of your audience. Everything else in your arsenal is vet-level. Feel me?