A Fish's Ascension

[Dragon]

My despondent life moves with the waves of a dreary ocean, I bare emotions of a fish that’s lost his way
At constant times I drown in a place where there’s barely solace, while careless Seagulls guffaw at my fall in pain
My pumping ventricles are wished to be clogged by an Octopus, whose absorbent grungy tentacles yearn my earn
Yet the unpleasant Eel won’t even shock me shook, for this broken fish has no electrical current worth
And I’m besieged in vacancy, swimming the seas in atrophy, trying to have the strength of mighty sailing ships
But a cynical Hermit Crab designed my skeleton, which is why I’m mistook for a spineless Jellyfish
If only I’d had a blissful companion we'd swim the Atlantic, and stay together as engagement followed through
But with my miserable antics that mission's Titanic, the sea to me will forever be a space of solitude
It’s all in view, all this fish’s infinite limitations, if only you could see through the eyes I count with
I tried to get a definite reputation, but received the disgraceful stripes of clown fish
I’ve just been racing through life contesting aloof, hoping eventually in my gills, potency grew
Now my soul is in two and water’s reflecting my mood.. that's why this sorrowed ocean is blue...

And every night I wish the horizon, shed a light to where I’ll subside in
I wish to sever ties with Poseidon, and he’d end my life with his Trident...

I wish…

I wish a ship of oil, tipped and boiled on my scaly skin, I wish demented mortals, ripped and soiled both my tail and fins
I wish to end with this distress, in depths of an abyssal trench, I wish this fish had twist in nets, and finally submit to death!

I wish…

I wish a morbid band of sharks had embarked to drown my symphony
I wish a swordfish stabbed my heart and the scars bled out in infamy

But then I realize if I was granted all the wishes I said
I’d just be back where I started, swimming with the fishes again…

Will I ever lift from this sorrow?

I’m swimming in the depths of depression with no way to set to ascension, as my mind’s spinning in a seeped whirlpool
Suddenly out the corner of my cornea, on the ocean’s sandy floor in blood, I spot a lying Sea Turtle
I swam towards the sand that centered thee; he must have been a century, on how his shell’s design emerged
But his neck gashed by an enemy, and as a dying remedy, he whispered me his final words…


“Through the ups and downs of ocean waters, eventually you’ll find your way
No need to stop at frozen harbors, for in this sea we call life, the tides will change…

And you will Ascend Passed The Waves"

With that, his eyes began to slightly close, as his carcass slowly faded away
Now, with those words of wisdom, I’ll always remember to savor this day

Now...

Now I look at a hurricane straight in the eye, and blind it with my bright complexion
I clear all the burning rain, grayest of skies, and move it when I fight deception
I’m in the right direction as the waters have settled, I’m passing marginal levels as the light’s reflection
My heights extended passed the mark of the devil, I’m leaving sharks with the pebbles as the night intended
My flight’s ascended, as I’m elevating the softest, no more warring scenes of contemplating the hardships
I’ll pass the ninth dimension, reach into the sea and make a so serene constellation of starfish
Now I’m one like a group of Sea Lions, as the Aurora Borealis has my mind enchanted
I’m so high with peace I’ll seek Sirens, to form an alluring exploring voyage to find Atlantis
Now there’s no holding catalyst, and no more hazardous frantic bliss
Now my only passing wish, is all see the light without an Angler fish
That there’s hope to the pain and the strife, it's all in the changing tides
Take the past and ocean wave it goodbye, now alas you will elevate your life..

To Greater Heights.

And Ascend Passed the Waters to paradise.

[veritas]

Super dope.

[Diablo]

“Yearn my earn” reads awkwardly and clunky.

“Besieged my vacancy” means nothing.

“Trying to find the strength of sailing ships” makes more sense to me than “trying to have the strength”

“Ripped and soiled” is weird to me as here “soiled your pants” means you’ve shit yourself and I don’t think that’s what you were going for.

“Twist in nets” again is bad wording. Twisted in nets is what you needed but you tried to fit the rhyme and it just made it unnecessarily wordy when it didn’t need to be and several other rhymes could have made for a better fit.

Your alliterative stuff at times is very good, one of your strengths and you should play to that. Corner of my cornea etc is an example where it works and works well. You just need to let it come naturally and not search for it so hard. Ditch the word “Thee”. We’re in 2018, not 1518. No one speaks like that anymore.

How do you fight deception? It seems put in there to make it rhyme without really saying anything (or adding anything) other than to make it rhyme.

How does a night intend to leave sharks with the pebbles? It doesn’t.

For what it’s worth I enjoyed quite a bit of this but you’ve patched where it just comes off as tryhard and you sacrificing stuff to seem over-complicated and poetic when there’s really no need. The scheme isn’t everything. The more you can say with less, the better, and the more accessible you can make it to a universal audience the better also. Strip it back. Find what you’re good at and play to your stengths, try not to get so caught up in the wording and trying to make yourself seem intelligent. You have some good ideas but you’re not going to be revered as the next Aristotle because of you posting up a poem on a message board.

Just my advice.

[Clout]

“Yearn my earn” reads awkwardly and clunky.

“Besieged my vacancy” means nothing.

“Trying to find the strength of sailing ships” makes more sense to me than “trying to have the strength”

“Ripped and soiled” is weird to me as here “soiled your pants” means you’ve shit yourself and I don’t think that’s what you were going for.

“Twist in nets” again is bad wording. Twisted in nets is what you needed but you tried to fit the rhyme and it just made it unnecessarily wordy when it didn’t need to be and several other rhymes could have made for a better fit.

Your alliterative stuff at times is very good, one of your strengths and you should play to that. Corner of my cornea etc is an example where it works and works well. You just need to let it come naturally and not search for it so hard. Ditch the word “Thee”. We’re in 2018, not 1518. No one speaks like that anymore.

How do you fight deception? It seems put in there to make it rhyme without really saying anything (or adding anything) other than to make it rhyme.

How does a night intend to leave sharks with the pebbles? It doesn’t.

For what it’s worth I enjoyed quite a bit of this but you’ve patched where it just comes off as tryhard and you sacrificing stuff to seem over-complicated and poetic when there’s really no need. The scheme isn’t everything. The more you can say with less, the better, and the more accessible you can make it to a universal audience the better also. Strip it back. Find what you’re good at and play to your stengths, try not to get so caught up in the wording and trying to make yourself seem intelligent. You have some good ideas but you’re not going to be revered as the next Aristotle because of you posting up a poem on a message board.

Just my advice.

Lol damn you tore this young laurette heart out. Lara is ncs Simon cowell. But this was a cool read. You do have a tendacy to try and make phrases sound like your saying something when your not. But it has a nice read to it. Keep it up

[big baby]

“Yearn my earn” reads awkwardly and clunky.

“Besieged my vacancy” means nothing.

“Trying to find the strength of sailing ships” makes more sense to me than “trying to have the strength”

“Ripped and soiled” is weird to me as here “soiled your pants” means you’ve shit yourself and I don’t think that’s what you were going for.

“Twist in nets” again is bad wording. Twisted in nets is what you needed but you tried to fit the rhyme and it just made it unnecessarily wordy when it didn’t need to be and several other rhymes could have made for a better fit.

Your alliterative stuff at times is very good, one of your strengths and you should play to that. Corner of my cornea etc is an example where it works and works well. You just need to let it come naturally and not search for it so hard. Ditch the word “Thee”. We’re in 2018, not 1518. No one speaks like that anymore.

How do you fight deception? It seems put in there to make it rhyme without really saying anything (or adding anything) other than to make it rhyme.

How does a night intend to leave sharks with the pebbles? It doesn’t.

For what it’s worth I enjoyed quite a bit of this but you’ve patched where it just comes off as tryhard and you sacrificing stuff to seem over-complicated and poetic when there’s really no need. The scheme isn’t everything. The more you can say with less, the better, and the more accessible you can make it to a universal audience the better also. Strip it back. Find what you’re good at and play to your stengths, try not to get so caught up in the wording and trying to make yourself seem intelligent. You have some good ideas but you’re not going to be revered as the next Aristotle because of you posting up a poem on a message board.

Just my advice.
i agree and disagree. (didn't read all of this) but sometimes things like besiege my vacancy can mean things to the writer but in essence/theory the mechanization process doesn't really MAKE SENSE, but i can- in a world where i tried to make sense of it- could make sense of it. maybe the writer is alluding to their emptiness/loneliness being interrupted or overtaken? anywho, i agree with some parts being clunky/forced almost but i had to defend dragon real quick.


i also understand you, as well, fighting deception is hard to understand. but the writers job was to make it easy to understand. so i can agree and disagree with a lot of points here. but, also, to stab again, i think dragon needs to work on his word choice. sometimes telling a story isn't always making something rhyme. yes it's a hip
hop oriented site but this isn't hip hop open mic section. it's a section where you share writing. so don't be afraid to miss a syllable or two. content is what matters. thanks

[Dragon]

Thanks for the feedback, It is appreciated.

[Pharaohs Army]

I'm still trying to figure out "scars bled out in infamy"

[Witty]

I hope this is you.

http://www.rap-royalty.com/forum/text-drops/260506-fishs-ascension.html#post806771

[Dragon]

Yes, it is me.

[Witty]

Ok.