John Dillinger vs Bleak[JD WINS]

[Inno]

NWL:Season I: Week I



Verses ares due: FRIDAY at 11:59 PM EST

Voting ends: SUNDAY at 11:59 PM EST

Line Limit: Minimum:10 lines, Max: 30

Voting on 2 battles is required.


TOPIC:

https://cdn7.bigcommerce.com/s-x49po/images/stencil/1280x1280/products/28320/40858/1517517641264_PSX_20170722_151322__07463.151763333 8.jpg?c=2&imbypass=on

John Dillinger bleak

[John Dillinger]

Skated down to this straight remote place
Looked up, all I’m seeing is Blue & Orange like a Gators home game
Sprinted to the spot so fast it’s like my hearts gonna stop
Thinking I can jump on this canoe if I get a running start on the dock
Got my pals & best weed, nothing but the sound of jet ski’s
I’ll remember that boardwalk forever, bout 20 posts on it like a new account on NC’s
Hate to say it but I’m off the chronic so it’s not an easy memory
But just like this location I always keep my trees to the left of me
Got to those mountains a couple times, all the dimes I had a blast with
Used to ‘race to the other side’ but now we’re just seeing who’s ‘dying the fastest’

[bleak]

I'll create a world outside the rule w/ hyper lines & cypher rhymes
paint a vivid picture: you can't pin this enigma to any type of lies
Or mindset, so when if it's not the time yet?
Sun riding dirty, don't worry about if "I'm set"
Philly burning low as the page turns slowly
We live dusk to dusk in an ashtray that's so lonely
how can I shatter those
perceptions of the status quo?
If half the time I'm crashing...
low to dodge a shrapnel blow
I'm strapped from head to toe, so-
should I take my one shot? that's all it takes to kill a man.
I'm stuck with rushed thoughts while higher than a ceiling fan
They say: escape is a death wish. Breathless, I stick between margins
But who's to tell me I'm a fool for running from what seems harmless?
Filed one by thru a meat grinder. These kind of things open eyes
The world they teach is pretty little promises and broken lies

[PancakeBrah]

JOHN DILLINGER - I enjoyed this verse quite a bit, despite the battle rap format. It was a battle rap topical. Every first line was a descriptor, and every second line except the 'jump on that canoe' was a wordplay or witty line. Kind of funny, not sure if it was intentional? Not coincidentally, I thought that 'jump on that canoe' couplet had the most personality of anything in the piece. It spoke to a youthful bravado that connected with the nostalgia color scheme of the painting. The 20 posts line was funny, although it kind of takes the reader out of the tone of your piece, something so internet and immediate. Pals & best weed <-> sound of jet skis was the smoothest rhyme in either entry. 'Got to those mountains' was good in the same way the canoe was. Captured the picture well, with some good highlights. Maybe just make a conscious effort to not battle rap lol. Or not? It seemed to work for you. An effortless and smooth read for the reader.

BLEAK - I thought your first four lines were a creative approach to the topic. You wrote obliquely about the photo, taking aspects of it to feed the aside point you wanted to make. But the more you wrote the more tangential, if it all existing, the connection to the topic became. Near the end it became a very broad, almost directionless. I liked your schemes.

Bleak had a decent verse that lost it's way a bit. John Dillinger entertained throughout. Thanks for the read, guys.

V/ JD

[Diablo]

JD - I think you bring something to the table that a lot of topical writers lack and the battle cats have in abundance. You want to make the individual lines quote worthy, almost in a setup/punch style like you would a text battle and concentrate less on making the creative part the actual story unfolding or character development etc. I’ve long been a fan of the approach because that’s also how I started originally, a battler that tried his hand at topicals. It put you in good stead here because you were able to pinpoint different little sections of the picture like the posts and the trees to the left and incorporate it into what you were writing about. Stuff like that won’t go unnoticed in here, but it’s definitely worth you looking at trying to think of a story arc or concept that has never been done before to your knowledge and trying to mix up the two things - develop a story with an unexpected twist or take, but keep that punchliney style to you that’s served you well the past couple weeks. The other thing I’d noticed is that you’ve written from the perspective of yourself the past two weeks, so maybe consider writing something from either a third person perspective, or as a female, or an animal or some kind of in animate object maybe? Try something different and a little more out the box in your approach while keeping to your strength of wit and wordplay. Just an idea for you in future weeks if you’re looking to develop further.

Bleak: This started off so good, then just kinda lost direction for me bro. There was a nice early flow transition through the lines into a shorter format than you opened with, I enjoyed the imagery of the “ashtray” reference. The ceiling fan line was a nice touch also, similar to what I touched on with John’s verse in its punchline-esque quality. More of that please. I like it. I enjoyed that you didn’t go with what was directly in front of you and tried a more original route, you toying with the rhyme scheme also deserves some credit for technicality because you did more of that than your opponent here, just not enough for it to be the deciding factor here because JD brought a very smooth and easily accessible joint that tied in a variety of factors from the image seemlessly.

Both guys had stuff I enjoyed but I edged it to John Dillinger this week.

[Inno]

JD

Much better this week broski, like lars said you have this battlers mentality mixing in with the traditional topical format. I enjoyed how you put together your story while taking all the important aspects of the picture. I thought you captured the photo very well man, complete change from last week. Kudos, you got the spirit of s topical writer with the chops of battlers. Only thing I suggest is to stay at this pace don’t try to chew more than you can handle. This week you showed you can put together a well thought out story while maintaining your originality.

Bleak

You dropped some dope ish here. I mean it was a good read with nice flow and progression to your story. You had good diction with some pretty good imagery, only thing is for me, I don’t see the picture in your verse at all. Maybe I missed or I don’t get it, but what you wrote doesn’t coincide Witt the picture. That’s probably where you lost this battle because technically you have a better verse than JD. It’s just he put together a more clearer verse that picked at the topic, while you went a little more abstract and got lost in the translation. Enjoyed your verse Bleak.


JD WINS