Big Bolo vs Diablo[Diablo wins]

[Inno]

NWL:Season I: Week I



Verses are due: FRIDAY at 11:59 PM EST

Voting ends: SUNDAY at 11:59 PM EST

Line Limit: Minimum:10 lines, Max: 30

Voting on 2 battles is required.


TOPIC:

https://imagesvc.timeincapp.com/v3/mm/image?url=https%3A%2F%2Fpeopledotcom.files.wordpre ss.com%2F2018%2F02%2Fmessage-in-bottle.jpg%3Fw%3D2000&w=700&q=85

Big Bolo Diablo

[Diablo]

https://imagesvc.timeincapp.com/v3/mm/image?url=https%3A%2F%2Fpeopledotcom.files.wordpre ss.com%2F2018%2F02%2Fmessage-in-bottle.jpg%3Fw%3D2000&w=700&q=85




”Message In A Bottle”

There once was an Aussie called Plot who liked Fosters.
A lot.
It wasn’t a problem him polishing off
each drop in the bottle,
while locked in his office,
watching the clock.
Popping the top offered him solace.
A fizzing, slow, release
from the minute opened.
Needed in a nominal job where his boss was a knob.
He sniffled soberly.
So what if he was a slovenly slob who’d clock in unwashed?
He could do this in his sleep.
Well, probably not,
but it wasn’t a problem.
He was used to it you see.
Usually the people with functioning alcoholism are.
It’s alarming how disregarded liver scarring is
until it hits them hard.
The shivers started,
but it wasn’t a problem.
He promised it wasn’t while grovelling bosses
to stop with their nonsense
and look at what he’d accomplished.
They wanted him gone.
This time it was it.
The options on offer were resign or dismissal
and the guy was too fickle
to realise he should quit.
So what still drives him to drink?
The loss of his job wasn’t a problem.
It’s never a problem,
until it finally is...

[Big Bolo]

Going the max

[Big Bolo]

From disgruntled lies idk if the message could be clearer
A hidden scroll from the gods afar and near "its the last words they've been sent my dear"
So out of fear I search the jungles and the mountains
Counting the hours as the pressure for me to find it is mounting
I run into wildlife but it doesn't bother me at all
The mission will never fail, I even looked in the forbidden falls
& inside the cave walls, I've now been at it for days
My mind is a haze, almost out of all supplies, I need to graze
This place is turning into a maze, I'm searching high n' low
I'm not a survivor pro, instincts need to kick in just find'em n' go
I can't stop tho, gods sent me on this journey, I'm the chosen one
Setting up camp is not fun, get going at the first break of the sun
Wake up not a crumb, In the distance I see a human body, and um... he looks like me
Same crimson shirt and camo cargos is this a mirage, I can't see his facade
Real or fraud? Before I can get closer he drops his pack then disappears into the woods...this is odd
Approached with caution idk what this is, it's his but it looks like mine
It's supplies I need right in time, is this a gift from the gods I was meant to find?
Looking deeper there's a clue to set my course on the right path
Inside a hardback book, page no.23 a folded message reads "you may get wet and it's surrounded by glass"
So I build a boat outta tree limbs strong enough to float
I got my confidence back it's time to move fast, turn on the power stroke
2 days later I finally get this itch to turn left, see a glimmer from the water in the distance!!
There it is! I paddle quick, grab and smash it like I'm throwing a fit....Unroll the scroll and from the highest of all polls the text reads; "Don't worry son, Diablos a bitch"

[PancakeBrah]

DIABLO - "Well probably not" got a chuckle. The inversion of 'Message in a Bottle' was a nice way to take a topic that could so easily be written as a trope. The rhymes, as usual, were good throughout. The 'problem' repetition was well done. Overall, I think the Plot tie in was pretty funny at first, but since no one knows anything about him as a person you kind of ran out of ammo. Not to say the piece itself lost steam, it didn't, but it could've been funnier if Plot had any personality to speak of. Well written regardless.

BIG BOLO - The 'God' repetition was weird and pointless. The rhymes were just okay. The message in the bottle being a dig at your opponent was lame, to me. Try having your writing stand on it's own as opposed to relying on twists and meta competitive ideas. You're not getting the shock factor you're looking for. If you really wanted to go this route it'd work better if you revealed the message from the jump and clowned him in topical form. Almost like Diablo did Plot!

I think Diablo took this pretty easy both conceptually and technically.

v/ Diablo

[Diablo]

Thank you, Dancake.

I’ve got you with feed also.

[John Dillinger]

Diablo - Dope story from Plot’s perspective. You took what we knew about his situation and told it from his eyes. The short lines were simple but effective, the liver scarring part was dope. Kind of took you in the mind of an alcoholic. Which unfortunately I can relate to a bit. Ending was cool as well. Overall nice piece on a relevant topic here at NC

Bolo - Started off & the wording was kinda rough, didn’t flow that well. Cave walls part was tight. Crimson shirt and cargos part was cool too. But the wording was just choppy throughout. The story was good but the ending just ruined it. Coulda been a lot better. A lotttt better. And the last bar was mad stretched compared to the rest of it. It wasn’t bad but I think Diablo did better with the topic presented.

V/Diablo

[bleak]

Big gap in experience here, this is like 40 years + vs journeyman topicals. Bolo isn't incapable of crafting a decent verse, this is by no means terrible. You can just kinda tell the difference.

Diablo:
First 4 or 5 lines felt like a Shady flow for me, really liked how you used the line length to emphasize rhyme schemes. I adopted that pretty early in my topical game, obv not to the same effect. The tie in to discussion invested me into the piece more, using Plot as your subject/perspective was a cool idea and great interpretation on the topic. Would have liked to see more on the parables of Plot but this was concise and did the job.

Bolo:
With a long line length, I would start to use inners to make it flow better. I had a hard time catching the rhythm, as it goes. Interpretation was a bit obvious but it didn't hurt here, gave you a solid platform to tell a story. But yeah the diss at the end was out of place considering the piece and it didn't really have any effect besides disconnecting the reader. It was just out of place when u built a foundation based on something else. Keep writing

Diablo

[Inno]

Diablo

Crisp as as always my dude. The clean diction and phrasing was on point. Nice little flip on s current even aswell. Andvthough it was about plot and it had humor, yo managed to sneak in a message. At first glance it isn’t much but if you think about it, it’s profound. Honestly this was a breeze to read simply and to the point. It’s clearly. It one of your more complex pieces but I feel like your wording and crisp flow got you where you wanted to be. Thanks for the read as always lars.

Bolo

Nice concept first off. You attempted to keep a theme going through out and at first you where doing well. Towards the middle you seem to get lost in the concept and start to repeat things to keep the concept cohesive instead of introducing a new angle to your insight. I enjoyed this verse and on its own it’s a good piece. Against diablo not so much, falls short of your opponents prowess. After all the talk I was expecting much more but I appreciate the effort you put in broski, to bad you signed out. Thanks for the read.

Diablo wins