Cereal VS Brokenhal0[OPEN FOR VOTES]

[Cereal]

Due next Saturday

16-24 lines (agree with opponent)

Topic: https://content3.jdmagicbox.com/comp/kolkata/z5/033pxx33.xx33.180611233015.u8z5/catalogue/artistic-intrusion-dhapa-kolkata-portrait-artists-0ktrqvknrp.jpg

Cereal - brokenhal0

[Cereal]

check, im in for 20

[brokenhal0]

ok

[brokenhal0]

cardboard broad umbrella blocks clouds of scars
silhouette of a bitch fit cant stop the rain when her tits licked

colorful emotions but they quick slippen
got you possessed slick kitten eatin were you shit sittin

i experience bliss different opposite sexes piss different
her shadow script written cares but she quit bidden and settled

the devil dares so like a ballerina she spins webo's
only dumb heads cant let go and gas the petro my love echos

black aura's pussy's bleed mascara on a flat orbit
she sad often i call it bi polar your meds wear off em

spell slut backwards i use her mouth like a nutcracker
cant put a face to the image plug dancer skys limited

spin the block like a pirouette the shock made my image flesh
sleeping underneath crystals in her pillow a note was left

it said i know a threat to your world so hold your head
snake bites the open neck stay quite dance the stroll of death

now i know whats next rolled over and slowly slept a tango
with no respect when the sun came out you wouldn't close the hex

she worked a pole and worked for checks solid soul open legs
i don't need to beg i get it cause there's no raindrops for me to make

[Cereal]

The Candlestick Bleed

i am that child before eye's in the light on stage
from bathroom tiled performed heights only sight could taste
to church and choirs in store, i danced for life amazed
my parents filed hate for my stance despite the grace
why they would cry you're more like a devil tied to break
with each limb sliding morph wide to my plight embraced
i was the hired through poor minds when all flight had dazed
the face in tired that poured hindsight free, bright and bane
then the church sighed a morn right between my thighs - rape
the preacher wired his paws 'side my vagina stray
to anus lightly powdered my moisture finely faded
the star was i, was forced frail and made timely draped
like the candlesticks forged stale to get minds unmade
i start to hide bound floor wise no none lift off saved
no tear would dry through pores i waltz with smiles caged
my new turmoil reports fright yet no notice of change
from the crowds while support dies in the night of pain
i would bleed frail and sore, time ticks to my life maimed
so i pick this stick sure i found the right one placed
and danced to life before tight hands that paved my way

[Sharp]

wasn't the hugest fan of this one. I can get more in detail if needed, but I give it to cereal because he's doing a little more with the pic in giving it a really coherent story while halo had a bunch of rhymes that we definitely inspired by the pic, but didn't go much beyond it. His verse was also more cohesive and consequentially read smoother for me.

v/cereal

[Inno]

I’ll edit it my vote tomorrow.
Diablo can you drop a vote on this kind sir

[Master Rock]

Will edit this post as a vote as soon as I get a chance.

[Adonis]

CK - Not sure about ‘sights can taste’ but I like where this is going, solid performance under lights description. So i see the performer half of the verse and loved it. You created a world where this girl/woman learned the craft of dance and battled her way through shit parents who overwork her while berating her. But you lost me on the rape man, caught me off guard as fuck. I get it, its part of this characters story, but I think you could have found another way to express her triumphant success, but thats just me. I will add, kind of like your counterpart here, you boggled yourself down a few times, reaching for the flow because the words were right there. But in my mind, it’s always smarter to not force the flow for the sake of it, but instead build the story or character until the perfect flow presents itself at the right moment. Good verse, aside from the obvious IMO.




Broken - Flow starts off choppy to me on first read, possibly because I’m reading it as long bar, IDK? But…. I do like the format as well as the “Umbrella Blocking Scars” as well “Can’t stop rain when tits licked”. Both concepts work well with topic so I’m interested to see where we’re going. Flow def picks up, but I think you kind of bottled yourself, because while “her shadow script written cares” rhymed butter, I’m not sure what ‘Shadow script’ really means. Another metaphor type line could have kept flow but dealt more meaning IMO here. Alright, so all in all I liked the read, but I don’t think I picked up on the physical meaning of the piece. At certain points your flow was on point with concise meanings, then at other points the flow took over and sort of butchered the meaning, I.e I don’t think someone would actually write those words in a letter and stick them under a pillow, something like that? Yes, but yours didn’t come off as natural conversation, which is hard as fuck to do, but would have been icing on the cake here for me. Again, I enjoyed the read and thought you had some pretty dope concepts per line, but feel like my dumb brain missed something easy as far as verse concept goes.


Vote - I think both had amazing flow for the most part, but felt they each bottle necked at points as well. CK built a character for me, then sort of ruined her for me as well. Then Halo had some individual concepts that really did stand out and I hope he explores that style much more. But with all that said, I do have a clear winner.

voting Brokenhalo

two solid reads, but in the end one was a bit too cringy for me to enjoy thoroughly.

[Diablo]

Brokenhal0: This topic should play into your strengths here, it’s got an almost abstract feel to it and your verses are always quite indirect with a lot of a poetically flowery wording etc, it’s evident from the opening couplet to me with “cardboard broad umbrella” but the second line in particular has a less sophisticated feel to its descriptive language and really lowers in tone with the whole “Tits licked” thing. It felt out of place here with the first line, almost, as I read through this given the choice of words used (apart from broad in the opener, if it was intended as in broad/female rather just a wide umbrella). It was an interesting risk so early on to go for a non-rhyming couplet, I see how the second line rhymes and recovers it but for an opening line I found it quite unusual for someone to lead with that. It’s a risk, IMO, even though it’s didn’t detract from anything for me by doing that here. It was more the change in tone of the language used that threw me slightly as it seemed so out of place.

We’re weirdly then into territory of you eating ass? Bliss different/piss different reads as quite hastily written/keyed up and sloppy to me. Surely there were other rhyming words that could have been used there without repeating “different” so closely together. There must be without over thinking it.

The mid section lost me to be honest, there were bits where I can see you trying to flex the more mechanical side with multies etc but it wasn’t saying a lot, really, I did like “snake bites open neck,” line because it got the point across well without needing to be direct and still keeping things semi-abstract there. “Solid soul, open legs,” was kind of cool too and stood out to me. I wasn’t so sure on the closing lines, it was almost like you fell in love with a stripper maybe there, but I finished it feeling like I didn’t really know 100% what you were getting at if thats incorrect. It lacked a clarity to it to really hammer your point home and anchor this, if there was one, and that’s my thoughts on it at least.

Cereal: This picture almost lends itself to your style, also, so this was quite a good match stylistically - on paper at least - pitting you against BH. You opened stronger than your opponent here to me, “bathroom tiled performance heights,” I enjoyed and from a purely technical standpoint it’s clear you’re doing more than your opponent did in those first eight or so lines by keeping the same multi string running across them. Right up to the “thighs - rape” end rhyme you were doing relatively well, but from there on you should have ditched that multi string and switched it up to something different because it felt like you were reaching. The “waltz with smile caged” actually stood out. I like the idea of the caged smile, even if I’m not sold 100% on the wording of that particular one. It just doesn’t feel natural enough to me and I think plain old “caged smile” would have worked better (but is less interesting sounding, for sure, and would t have stayed within your rhyme pattern lol). The ending of yours also left me somewhat still wanting answers, BUT I did feel it offered more in the way of some closure to the verse and anchored it better than BH ended on.

So there you go, I guess for a few reasons this week I’m leaning toward Cereal overall. Firstly the technical merit of those opening 8 or so where he displayed something we didn’t see from BH. Secondly, both of you overdid the sexual references here when I didn’t feel either verse REALLY needed it and in both cases it could have been done with a different tone, a more fitting sophisticated voice of reason possibly, speaking on the sexual acts as an adult would as opposed to what we had here which made the acts more puerile (to me). The wording, largely, I had edged to Cereal even though both had snippets I was feeling for the reasons stated previously above and I also felt Cereal offered more in the way of his conclusion. The other interesting thing of note, to me, was that Cereal tried to embody himself as the female in first person where as BH took the route of the third person narrator type roll describing the events. Very different takes, if you break this down to what’s there, and also the conflicted female in Cereal’s piece has the added internal conflict which often drives great stories (this wasn’t great, don’t get me wrong, but it meant it offered more here than BH’s verse IMO.)

There you have it. I have Cereal taking this one, marginally, but in quite a few categories across the board which makes me lean his way quite heavily.

[Inno]

Cereal wins