diablo 1-0 vs cereal 1-0 (open for votes) - last weeks

[Cereal]

Due next Monday (7 days)

16-24 lines (agree with opponent)

topic:
https://img.thedailybeast.com/image/upload/c_crop,d_placeholder_euli9k,h_1439,w_2560,x_0,y_0/dpr_1.5/c_limit,w_1044/fl_lossy,q_auto/v1492182102/articles/2015/04/30/hitler-s-strange-last-orders/150430-kempowski-hitler-tease2_xdgmdi

Diablo Cereal

[Cereal]

The Joker and The Thief

a boy dreams of flight balanced and weighed
challanged by fate undamaged and facing malice by day
he pins and he pricks wings of models from man
hobbles and holds the plans 'til probability lands
from scratch to conquer the only thing unfinished is vision
as the hate mounts in unbelievable fixes shown
through crucifixs and stars wishes get made
of aviation soaring through clouds like paint
the boy hides in bunkers with his head down plotting
building from ply toys how they should look in jotting
but the more thats developed the stronger the dream is
but the world was not ready for the vision conspired
as they take apart each whisper with clipped wings
and trample one boys dream of flight because of belief
that boy stands on the sands of Italy around 1940
watching, just watching how his planes appear in the morning
when he is approach by a girl that states halt production
you are being held as a war criminal at the next summit
from breaths of clouds he projects as enters the breeze
the only thing i will ever be guilty of is setting man free

votes:
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=140218
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=140128

[sral]

I grew a ‘tache for Movember, taking the time
to leave a mass at its centre with it shaved at the sides.
I used a razor my wife owned and carefully trimmed
as its blades imprecisely tore coarse hair from my skin.
I squared up the stygian stash in a hirsute homage I’d harvest
- a totalitarian tribute to my favourite comedy artists.
This one was for Charlie Chaplin and The Great Dictator’s daring
or Oliver Hardy of ‘Dick und Doof’ as they’d say in German.
Facial furniture’s not all they share, both had coronary strokes,
so I raise awareness with a razor where necessary in honour to them both.
The preposterous little postage stamp plaguing my philtrum
is but an opportunists ode to the great and the gifted.
It’s not a heil to the Hitler Youth’s regimented regime
so save your swastikas. Fresh-faced fascism was never my thing.
I steadied the scissors and snipped while sculpting my mouser
as many a million heads of hair lay at the foot of my shower.
In the struggle for power between the razors edge and mane I kept
a cut opened outward, leaving my pasty flesh stained with red.
I shaved the rest of it off, certain the two would have laughed
at the way bloodshed’s still associated with a toothbrush moustache.

[Diablo]

Bump!

[Adonis]

I'm excited for this one

CK - I didn't like the use of "weighed" in first line, I guess I get the meaning behind it, its just awkward wording IMO. This was a weird concept though. I assume you're actually talking about the fehrer, but feel like I could also just be missing something. In any case, it was actually a heart-felt or quaint little piece, sort of a reverse view on Hitler spin. "Soaring through clouds like paint" I will admit, i don't fully get the concept, but that sounds dope nonetheless.


Lars - This has the vibe of a topical circa early 2,000's or so. You kept this short and to the point by adding references and different little turn of phrase type inserts. Ala “postage stamp & toothbrush mustache". Hell, you even had an ending that was almost shock value, but also worked well with the central theme as well as physical story. I enjoyed this, I wish I had some real asshole criticism, nothing would bring me more joy, but I don't even thing really negative to say.


Vote - So, while I do enjoy each read, I do think one was superior writing as a stand alone piece. Both of these verses were done in a playful and light manor. Both hit the mark, were short and too the point. One was more heart-felt and the other was more homage with a touch with a heavy touch of concepts within lines. So I fully enjoyed both here, I do feel like Lars had more of a deft style the combated well against CK's more linear take or execution rather. So with that said, two fun reads

Vote: Diablo

[Diablo]

Bump!

[Zaddy]

Diablo: good rhyme schemes here and there was good balance throughout the verse. You wrote beautiful and everything meshed well. Only thing I wasn’t feelin was the vocab and multi usage.


Cereal: great usage of the topic, all around stunning imagery and vocabulary. The storyline was superb and I felt this was a step up from diablos tbh.


Vote cereal

[Diablo]

LOL thanks Age

Bump!

[asylum]

this was real close .. real close. but in the end i was just about as satisfied with both. sral came really clean but the piece's ending really left me hanging. i'm not saying i didn't like it, but i walked away from cereal's piece with a kinda dreamy feeling. sral had some fire content but in the end i just kinda felt robbed. it was sick , and a good play by play but in the end

mvgt cereal. this one oughta be close in the end tho, they were really neck and neck.
plot twists are risky.

[Cereal]

2-1 cereal leads