Summer Classic Topical: Round 1: 8.Lucipher Howlz Vs. 9.dead man [Lucipher Advances]

[Adonis]

https://i.ibb.co/s5Gdt2L/Untitled-1.jpg


https://i.imgur.com/drgWHTX.png




SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
MONDAY JULY 22nd at 11:59P.M. Pacific/West Coast or TUESDAY 2:59 AM Eastern / 7:59 AM TUESDAY Central European/London
MAXIMUM 2 extensions granted upon request in this tournament

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due THURSDAY at 11:59 p.m. Western Pacific / or FRIDAY 2:59 PM Eastern / 7:59 AM FRIDAY Central European/London Failure to vote will result in negative votes the following round if you win....See rules thread for explanation

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=140450)



Topic: https://i.imgur.com/pItHAQF.jpg

Must Check-in by WEDNESDAY July 17th or be replaced


Lucipher Howlz
dead man

G/Luck

[dead man]

Hey

[Lucipher Howlz]

Yoyo

[Lucipher Howlz]

[CENTER]They say time is of the essence, may be a blessing in disguise-
family will hate my presence, truth is stretched through out my lies-
Yes I am very pregnant, but can't stomach a lesson for my mind-
Baby on the brain, crazy & insane my confession is in line-
I'm sensing my decline- stressin' bout my method & the tension is divine-
so without a question I'm depressed while dispensing all this wine-
which is fine, but it only relieves the stress for a moment-
Testing my components, waves of emotion breaking like the ocean-
staring in the mirror knowing that I'm less than my opponent-
I have chosen to hold it in, not tell anyone through out my pregnancy-
Especially my husband I'm so cold within, as he holds & stands rite next to me-
Trajectory of my screams is so bold it knocks down bowling pins respectively-
But I'm striking out I should have told him before this seed was sent in me-
I'm a cheater, my guard was down & my ambitions were bleak-
I feel all my lies & insecurities are glistening deep-
Thru my eyes when I cry cus theres no finishing sleep-
He's been a rock by my side but I haven't kissed him in weeks-
Listen to me, I was faithful until this guy tarnished my record-
It was a one night stand with a man with a darker complexion-
So my radar was off from the signals my heart was detecting-
Like it was in the darkest waters and this shark was inspecting-
My private parts with the absolute hardest erection- ...Carnage accepted-
I feel so disgraceful just knowing that I fucked this man-
Screaming in pain, sweating but now I'm holding my husbands hand-
I was pushing my hardest until everything turned to black-
I woke up to machines beeping sore vagina & a burning back-
Saw my husband in tears so I guess he learned the facts-
He wiped his eyes from crying and said I never expected this-
I replied I'm sorry I cheated, in no way I'm what perfection is-
He said REALLY? I was jus lettin' ya know that we were blessed with twins-/CENTER]

[Inno]

dead man

[dead man]

Editing here sry

[Adonis]

Editing here sry


I wake up in roughly 10 hours, no verse by then you no-show and lose


EXT. granted

[Adonis]

Well, that sucks

Lucifer advances.

Thread to remain open for feed, but to other competitors, please vote on 3 battles before feeding here

Lucipher, you still need to vote

[Lucipher Howlz]

Will get all my votes in after work today

[Diablo]

You missed a [ before /CENTER] at the end, that’s why the BB code hasn’t worked but I don’t think you really needed it here other than to make it look pretty from an aesthetic perspective.

The topic image was an odd choice, I felt, it leaves quite a lot open to interpretation within it but it’s not really my sort of topic. People will tell you a good writer will write to anything and make it dope, but I can’t say this one would have really appealed to me. It’s definitely more of a Deadman type abstract picture to write to so it’s a shame he noshowed here. Regardless, let’s get into this right quick...

I liked that you opened with the rhyme scheme you did in those first three lines before switching it up in the fourth. I am a big fan of toying with rhyme scheme and that element isn’t lost on me, what I liked about it (and your writing in general) is that you do enough to show you have a good grasp of what you’re doing without beating the reader over the head with it to the point it distracts from the content of the verse (or worse still, have the content suffer as a result of investing so much in the rhymes). The fact you have the ability to do it but the self restraint to reign it in and use it sparingly shows you’re adept in what you do. The style is quite honed, even if people here may be largely unfamiliar with you, though for what it’s worth I did find the female calling herself “very pregnant” a little odd. Lol. I could imagine “heavily pregnant” or even just “pregnant” being said but very pregnant seemed an unnatural turn of phrase to use (to me). Baby on the brain/crazy and insane reminded me of Jay-Z on Crazy In Love as I read it. The one thing I noted while reading is your rhyme placement, a good example here is the line:

so without a question I'm depressed while dispensing all this wine-

Where, even though there’s not a multi-syllable internal used, the QUEST/PRESSED/SPENS sound helps give the line a rhythmic cadence or implied rhythm that makes up for it and carries the flow along nicely. It may not be as noticeable from a technical standpoint, but I can see why it was used (and it works) I just thought highlighting some of the more subtle/less obvious tools on display here might help some of the other guys that may read this understand why it’s done. It has more of an audio feel to it rather than standard text because it that, and helps the perceived ‘flow’ to the piece come off nicely as a result.

I wasn’t as fond of the “bowling pins” mention as it took me out of the piece somewhat in truth. I understand the bowled/bold attempt but the play on words was almost you trying something clever when there wasn’t a need for it. You were doing well, I’d have stuck with what worked, the “rock at my side but I haven’t kissed him in weeks,” was a nicer touch and better yard stick to put up as a sign of your potential here. I think that was much better, it was more relevant to the backstory you were developing, it has a punchline-esque quality to it but was still very much in-keeping with the rest of the verse thus far. You showed more of your technical ability nearer the end by keeping the same multi string going; at a point it worked but I felt when you got to “hardest erection” then the balance between sacrificing content for mechanics was crossed. The wording on the “sore vagina” felt out of place given the writers voice and tone that preceded it. It made it feel rather childish and adolescent, to me, due to its wording when we had already established this wasn’t a petulant teenager but a married woman - and one with child no doubt, so clearly she had a mental maturity above and beyond that, feel me? The closing line, with the twist, was unexpected (to me at least) so I did like that here even if I did somewhat pick the technical side of this piece open somewhat.

As I said, it’s a shame Deadman noshowed really, I think he would have revelled in having the image provided and put forth something of his usual dope standard to compete here. This could have been a good battle.

Keep that pen moving!

[NYCSPITZ]

This was a cool lil piece but sumtimes felt like u were rhyming for the sake of rhyming instead of writing a dope storey and editing rhymes in later. I think sometimes the rhymes come out dope from the beginning. Shouldn't always be the main focus tho. I myself am constantly guilty of this when keying or rushing. Some cool parts tho, nice lil twins twist at the end. Just as a dude writing from a chick perspective, kind of was cringe at times lol. People have done it before but they might've been homo. Anyways cool no show verse buddy glty next round

[Objective]

Lucipher Howlz: Enjoyed the verse as a whole and the story you were telling but like what people have been said earlier you need to kinda step it up if you want to see round 3. It's kinda weird cus this is the first I'm saying this and actually meaning it but I see A LOT of the same mistakes I did a few years back in your verse that I used to do too which was focusing hard on the story, and as long as the rhymes sort of make sense enough it should hold up. Which is true vs weaker opponents but you need to actually truly focus on phrasing/wording and making sure that you don't hang up too much on the rhyme, or simply start the sentence all over.

A thing that I've been doing lately is this:
This is the example so don't worry too much,
1> but I've been pushed to the brink of such.
2> I've lost focus and fell out of touch.
^ The couplet don't necessarily have to be one way of ending it. And as I keep the first or second option, I can still go for a third. As time pass, an hour or a day or whatever, I can go back and read it over or simply word it differently instead of forcing the rhymes and let the story be the main focus cus that shit will lose you battles vs opponents with an equally as great (sometimes even worse!) verse cus it's such a hiccup it stops the reader in its tracks. A bigger issue than first thought, at least in my case. Dunno if any of this helping tho, I'm drunk as a motherfucker but had to see how you won vs a veteran such as Deadman cus that dude wins entire tournaments when he goes in. In short: You got lucky here, but I see TONS of potential to drive the story a step further, more focus on getting the rhymeschemes right (if you feel like you have to follow it) will help you out, just make sure the sentences doesn't seem awkward.

I'm sensing my decline- stressin' bout my method & the tension is divine-
so without a question I'm depressed while dispensing all this wine-
^This was dope imo.

I have chosen to hold it in, not tell anyone through out my pregnancy-
Especially my husband I'm so cold within, as he holds & stands rite next to me-
^This feels a bit forced/stretched. Longer line but "as he holds & stands rite next to me" is a bit of a hail mary to connect it with the previous line. Creative way to make it work with pregnancy but due to the wording it seems rather forced rather something you'd say in a sentence or read in a book. If you had polished the second line in that coupled the consistency throughout your verse would have gotten better and the feeling for the verse of a whole would have seemed 10x better even if it's just a minor detail/adjustment.

Gotta apologize if I'm being too harsh cus I enjoyed your verse, I Just feel that with the example of "dispensing all this wine" it's like you were slacking a bit on the polishing of the verse when it comes down to it. I used to do the same thing tbh and thought it worked but when it comes down to it it kinda does in a way but definitely don't in terms of the reader and votes.

Looking forward to read your verse in next round, you got something dope going just gotta try and keep it consistent grammar-wise (in lack of better phrasing) throughout. Good shit and enjoyed the read but gotta step it to get to round 3.