Quarter Finals: Pharaohs Army vs. Blue Bayou [BLUE BAYOU 5-0]

[Adonis]

https://i.ibb.co/s5Gdt2L/Untitled-1.jpg

https://i.imgur.com/TJEUnyU.png





SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
TUESDAY JULY 30th at 11:59P.M. Pacific/West Coast or TUESDAY 2:59 AM Eastern / 7:59 AM TUESDAY Central European/London
MAXIMUM 2 extensions granted upon request in this tournament

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due THURSDAY August 1st at 11:59 p.m. Western Pacific / or FRIDAY 2:59 PM Eastern / 7:59 AM FRIDAY Central European/London Failure to vote will result in negative votes the following round if you win....See rules thread for explanation

All competitors must vote on ALL OTHER battles

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=140450)



Topic: https://i.imgur.com/CeRMf9m.jpg

Must "Check-in" by WEDNESDAY July 28th


Pharaohs Army
Blue Bayou


G/Luck

[Blue Bayou]

https://i.imgur.com/CeRMf9m.jpg


the solar aligned, ubiquitous and slow in it's rise
gently lifted out the tray the perfect photo design
it started small on the back of a nominal fee
a partial release but expanded at phenomenal speeds
there’s nothing more powerful than a nationalistic agenda
complicit it renders swift as a feather as it rips & dismembers
opened the floodgates and out came the eagles and stars
deceitful evil and hard trained we think they’re people from mars
unrolled the scroll that put the plans in action
damn this faction they’re shams are tactless we demand subtraction
at least that’s what we thought originally..
the rigid belief sick & diseased at centrifugal speeds
month after month we came up empty searching floors of bunkers
this war’s a blunder. every single nook & cranny we had torn asunder
that’s when reality reared it’s ugly head and winked
foaming at the mouth, it’s eyes red and sinked
staring deep into my soul with it’s dread succinct
every casualty was for oil that’s how the dead are linked
we’ve barely slept in days and spend our night times runnin
but what do our lifelines matter so long as the pipeline’s pumpin
i still believe we have a role to play on foreign soil
but not the soldier our kind aren’t awarded spoils
what is a man’s sense of duty in a compassionless tomb?!
and is it genuine when it’s birthed on the back of a rouse?!
i’m officially a murder no? heart racing at a dramatic pace
there’s no diplomatic state fuck me this is a savage place
the machine’s capable of so much and causes evil to spread
too weak in the head I can’t take this being feeble in bed
unable to go but unable to stay
my mind will be better off on the table displayed

[Pharaohs Army]

It was 2001, and Tom and Rick had a plan.
They’d join the army and go off to fight in Afghanistan,
targeting Al Qaeda and the Taliban.
Training was hard; they hated the “Sarg”,
but in the field of combat they looked forward to playing their part.
They were part of the 2nd Infantry Division.
Urban warfare was their mission.
Exposed on the streets moving house to house; you can’t just slip in.

Taliban fighters with AK47s, and Taliban snipers looking to send you to heaven.
Kunduz was the city they had to move through. There was very little rest,
and often times they were witness to civilian deaths.
Tough to see, because the conflict was ultimately, about keeping peace.
&Afghan Northern Alliance forces need support, as they sweep the streets.
The stream of fighters never seemed to cease.
Some of them possessed RPGs, and all would rather die, before they flee.
During the conflict there were some crazy moments.
Multiple fire-fights, and many shells exploding.

Too busy occupying a nation; Tom and Rick hardly had time for conversation.
Although Rick’s favorite hobby was killing terrorists,
and Tom was someone he could share it with.
Still, they both missed love ones back home; the life of a soldier.
They couldn’t wait to greet and hug them all when the conflict was over.
But only one would make it back, and fulfill the plans they had made.
Tom died rather slowly when he took shrapnel from a grenade.

Back to present day, Rick regrets nothing, but misses his friend.
He didn’t think that was how Tom’s mission would end.
He’s home now, but soldiers patrol Afghanistan with each new hour.
In the end, the price is high for peace through power.

[NYCSPITZ]

I thought blue bayous ability to edit apostrophes and certain obvious grammatical errors was a homage to his lack of hands. What's a little mark above certain letters when you can barely execute a 10 inch wide toe drag? Lol pretty comical but I thought the story was pretty cool. Had some depth to it nawme saying? Cool wording too and nice concepts.

Pharoah that shit was a cool lil piece just a bit stretched at times and boring. Was there any layering to the characters? Any off the cuff imagery? Upper level metaphors? I did enjoy it for what is was

Mvgt/ blue bayou

[sral]

It deleted my vote as I had typed out as NYC posted in between and the page had expired. Grrrrr.

I’ll type it out again.



So, on first look at the image topic, I’m obviously drawn to the two soldiers and war as an initial idea. The idea has no doubt been done a few times, so my first thoughts would be “How can I make this something different than what’s just at face value?”. I see the peace sign, obviously, so something with piece/peace comes to mind as they already have guns. The one soldier is smaller, possibly a child, so the idea of war through someone (or something) else’s eyes comes to me. Maybe through the child’s eyes trying to make sense of what’s happening? It could be done through the gun(s) perspective or a bullets perspective maybe (which could be fun). It could be a metaphor for the battlefield of love, maybe told via an argument between two people and not about war itself really. There’s a few different more out the box ideas off hand I feel could be interesting to see to this rather than just what’s on surface level directly. Let’s see what you guys have here...


Blue - You continue to impress me in here; I especially liked the marked improvement from you mechanics wise (from the first round) as I felt you showed a clear upward swing in that regard this time out.

there’s nothing more powerful than a nationalistic agenda
complicit it renders swift as a feather as it rips & dismembers

You were packing a lot into two lines there, it was a relatively difficult end rhyme also so I didn’t overlook that either.

that’s when reality reared it’s ugly head and winked

Lines like this are where I feel that you really excel, it’s quite simple, but effective. It has a punchline-esque quality to it that we don’t see used as much on the topical side of things but I think it works. It’s worded well, it’s relevant, and you choose to use it in the first line of a couplet (setup rather than punch) which was quite unconventional - yet it lost no impact. It was subtly done, but again, these little flashes catch my eye and keep my interest. I haven’t seen anyone else note that as yet.

The grammar aspect doesn’t bother me at all as I feel it’s pretty coherent here. I think Blue’s ended with him speaking from the photographs perspective. He was the image, if I’m reading it rightly, hence him being “lifted out the tray,” at the beginning. The slow rise maybe being him being held up toward a lighting lamp, there’s a few other deft hints between but I wasn’t completely sure if he was the photographer taking the pictures or the picture itself. I started off thinking the former, ended thinking the latter, especially with the “table displayed” right at the end. It was a fun concept, one I alluded to myself at the beginning as being a possibility with this image so I’m glad something along those lines was utilised.


Pharoah: I think your opening line was well worked here, you kept it conversational and believable, setting the time frame (with the date) and introducing the reader to the two characters off bat, but still sort of left a cliffhanger on “had a plan,” that hooks the reader in to want to read on and discover what their plan was. I enjoyed that aspect a lot, it was a cleverly used tool from the jump to set your stall out early and give you something to work from.

Training was hard; they hated the “Sarg”,

I enjoyed this one because of its simplicity. Both are relevant to what’s happening in the progression of the story, while still sounding very natural and conversational. It’s overlooked a lot. I think that small seven word sentence was very cleanly done, trimmed of all excess fat and precision sharp.

The thing with the story around Tom and Rick, in particular, is two-fold to me. Firstly, the characters are assigned names and a little backstory but it needed more to make the reader “feel” for what happened to the characters, you know? Which brings me somewhat to my next point in that conflict drives great stories - and when it came down to the conflict itself where
Tom is killed, we just got one line where he was dead from a grenade blast. The grenade blast idea itself could have given you options to inject emotion and visual imagery galore. It felt like you missed an opportunity there to capitalise on the conflict to drive your story, in an imagery sense and an emotive one. The closing lines in particular offered up something more universally bigger picture and I enjoyed that, I think the final stages of the story in the build up to its conclusion is ultimately what cost you this one (to me) when coupled against Blue’s more creative take.

Somewhat ironically Blue’s piece from the photographs point of view ended up the more processed and developed end product this round.

[NYCSPITZ]

Unbelievable negged

[Inno]

Got this tomorrow

[sral]

Unbelievable negged

Truth, sadly. I type a lot. :(

[Adonis]

Longer version in mag

Admitedly not a huge fan of either, but I gave you boys a shit topic, that's on me. Blue had a higher level of execution in terms of flow and multie usuage, but I enjoyed the pace and physcial narrative of Pharaoh's more. But I thought PA had a few minor errors that in the end cost him too much.



V/ Blue Bayou

[Scar]

yoooo like lars i had it all typed up. im working with a chrome book and would touch the screen to scroll up and down, and i happened to accidentally clicked on one of the name as im touching the screen, took me to their page and was hoping the back button will take me back, well......it did but the feed was gone. i'm pretty fucking aggravated so im making this piece of shit short

vote/blue bayou

bayou had the better written work. although it lacked the linear narrative, which isn't really a prerequisite but more as a personal preference, the written was of higher calibre. pharaoh had instances of weird wording like "you can't just slip in" while its nothing wrong phonetically, it was lazily composed in my estimation. not to say blue didnt have any wording issue i.e. "demand subtraction" but they were far and in between. both concepts were as cliche as it gets as blue was very much a critique of war and its rhyme and reasons, while pharaoh opted for a linear narrative - and when i say linear it was really to a fault. the pacing was rigid to and the story was very much surface level, lacking any subtext to make it standout from similar type of verses. so my decision was weigh on the actual writing itself. again, blue was a bit more refined while pharaoh struggled with a more nuanced style of writing.

[Witty]

Ok, I don't like the topic. It lends itself to cliché and nothing original jumps out from it to me. No shot at Adonis I'm just saying. In the end we had two verses which were very similar in their theme because really they didn't have too many options to go with. Blue had a verse about how war is bad, as did pharaoh, but with characters. Don't get me wrong I did like both verses but the subject matter was just slightly underwhelming but I don't blame either writer for that. Blue your verse was very well written leaving aside a few grammatical errors, it was crisp and concise and some of the rhyming was very impressive, you have a way with wording lines that really gets the full potential out of the idea which probably comes from being a text battler. As I said previously the idea has been done a whole bunch of times but the technical proficiency made it a fun read nonetheless. Pharaoh I liked your verse, it was very easy to follow...it felt forced in terms of wording in certain places and I think you made a misstep in naming the characters as it suggested you were going to get more indepth with the character development and then just didn't, but the story was well told and easily followed. Maybe more of a twist at the end would have been nice instead of one guy dying as I was expecting, but a solid story.

Giving it to Blue for the more enjoyable read.