Brain Sick...

[Exis]

Ayo,

She's obsessive, she needs him
Yet surpresses her feelings
Ella stares out a window that's drenched as an expressionless being
With her index finger she writes a message
That'll get deleted after several seconds of leavin' it
It says "I'm gonna end shit this evenin"
Wishin' the pane of glass she stands before would shatter completely
& she gets shredded to pieces
See Ella is broken hearted,
But the guy she thinks her heart is broken over really doesn't exist
It's just a friggin' fiction figure she's done made up in her wig
Deluded, confused
Girl moves to the bathroom removin' both shoes
Stumbles her way down the hall she finally makes it to bed
Where she falls awkwardly backwards on to the matress all bent
Reaches across with her right hand
To grab a knife from the night stand
Transfers it to her left in one action
Like she's ambidextrous but hasn't
Fuckin' realized she isn't, the ceilin' is spinnin'
Ella's feelin' weird, really different
She's clearly not with it, her doctor's in need of a visit
He always pray the outlook gets brighter
Even though it's the middle of winter
Ella can hear the rain beltin' down as the electricity flickers
Gettin' ready to fatally go, she puts the blade to her throat
Doesn't understand she's embracin' a ghost
As she's erased in one stroke
Just like Ex does to bitches when he leaves 'em dead with a written
The only outcome achievable is where you end as the victim
Pity you can't ask Ella 'bout this here as she actually knows
What it is literally like to be fuckin' played by ones dome.

[Objective]

Quite a sad story about deep depression, loneliness and perhaps mania(?) of sorts. The deterioration of self is a brutal one.

This one kinda reminds me a bit about a girl I know in the city I live in. We're not talking just scars, we're talking flesh hanging to the side 40 stitches in the hospital-scars, too. Not from just one episode either, unfortunately. Loneliness runs deep there too at times. The bi-polar tendencies, suicidal crave and mental sanity blended with bouts of insanity is definitely Hell's gift to humans.

Only thing I didn't really like was the "leaves em dead with a written"-line, seemed more swag'n'flow-ish to me and kinda broke the style you had going. Not saying you should stop doing it, just saying it didn't do anything for me. I understand it's to wrap up the piece but personally that approach didn't speak to me as much. The last couplet was cool conceptually and I dug it, think it could have been executed/worded better tho but that's nitpicking.

Overall a cool piece and story albeit depressive, one of your better ones imo. Stay up and keep writing!

[Exis]

Thank you...

[Sharp]

Damn, this is dark

I felt like you did a great job of pacing with line length. The way I read it is a shorter line isn't necessarily read faster, but feels like a complete idea that's gotten across faster... if I'm explaining that in non retarded way

I really fuck with the way it starts. Quick, to the point, flows perfectly. Leads into the longer lines for the meat of Act 1. You have me hooked and with enough info to follow the story you just set up. Later on, you have the same kind of pacing with

Reaches across with her right hand
To grab a knife from the night stand
Transfers it to her left in one action
Like she's ambidextrous but hasn't
Fuckin' realized she isn't, the ceilin' is spinnin'
Ella's feelin' weird, really different
She's clearly not with it, her doctor's in need of a visit
He always pray the outlook gets brighter
Even though it's the middle of winter


which I think was a dope way of building tension, leading into the third act. The 'text painting' or whatever the technique is called is so on point because of where you know it's heading. Here, I think the predictable story is your strength because I can appreciate how you're telling it really well. problem is for me

She's clearly not with it, her doctor's in need of a visit
He always pray the outlook gets brighter
Even though it's the middle of winter

is a metaphorical speed bump that kills the build up. so the finale is not so much of a dramatic moment because I stumble over way the syllables were added with 'her doctor's in need of a visit' and the grammatical error of 'he always pray'

From there, the end itself is predictable, which is fine, so I kind of need it to be mechanically on point - you know, so I'm not asking 'why do that?' 'did he mean to say that?' etc - and these lines feel awkward

Just like Ex does to bitches when he leaves 'em dead with a written
The only outcome achievable is where you end as the victim

Just doesn't feel like natural language so it kills the pacing for me. But overall I really fuck with the intro to the lead in to the end. You really killed it with the deliberate phrase lengths.

[Exis]

Really appreciate the critique fam...you have rep.

[Geno]

This actually written pretty well. Good internals and shit. Line settups are nice. Good work exis

[Adverse]

Only part I thought was out of place was inserting yourself into the piece, that bar was kind of outlandish but everything else worked imo and was narrated well, don't think you give yourself enough credit as a storyteller bro

[Smod of War]

I liked this a lot I felt the sadness

[Etherwave]

I thought this was a vision on mental illness. I feel you captured the hopelessness and numbness. Minor editing misses on grammar but I suppose that encourages the empathy. Thank you for sharing.

[Eŋg]

I liked this a lot I felt the sadness

lol this username