cardboard/consequence

[dead man]

it took me
years to sort through boxes
where we stored our belongings. stories exhausted
normal nonsense. toys, portrait composites
cracks along the drywall of our bedroom and office sketch a
tale of 2 cooperative hostages. caught in a mindset
it all ends with a buzz. said
she was bored of withdrawing
cookie crumbled and my fortune expired, according to china
orbiting higher. bloodshot warrior's eyelid
his piano playing sadly in Euphoria minor
tortured writer trope, a closet full of disguises
with a heart of gold disabled in this broken device
hooded hippie heretic on hopeless horizons
glazing over paragraphs while searching for silence
asking, can the algorithm code me a conscience
coaxial fibers floating in my lower esophagus
stormy island. gorgeous apartment
sorting through boxes
birthday cards, paraphernalia, promises
exchanged in innocent honesty
our language was a mixture of toxin
whiskey tonic. symptom vs. pharma. waiting to fix
plucking at our veins cause they're collapsing again
growing long in tooth and full of mucous and spit
lost inside his thoughts, reimagining shit
junkyard puppy practicing fetch by chasing a dragon
fell off and crumpled up beneath the weight of the wagon
save our napkins full of caricatures
half asleep and very concerned
all we've done is argue who's behavior is worse
therapy church community workshop questioning choices
i think we
saved our game so many times the levels are pointless
so who do we call?
when all our heroes have fallen
all our parents are fossils and all the liquor is gone
its been tough. please forgive me for all of it
i'm only a consequence





take care

[dull boy]

junkyard puppy practicing fetch by chasing a dragon
fell off and crumpled up beneath the weight of the wagon

[big baby]

my least fav part was dulls quoted section but that's why i love him

will be back

[Pharaohs Army]

Was a bit terse and harsh with my feed on a previous piece of yours.
So let's give it another shot.

And for the record, big baby, if I tell dead man there are "rhyme droughts", or "this isn't as good as your usual"--it's all in relation to his previous works.
You peg me as a simpleton for end rhymes, when in reality, I've read a lot of dead man. Anyways,

dm,
wish I had your knack for "tone" and descriptions. Trying to write something now for a contest and it just misses the meat on the bones that you bring (and brought in this one).

Now, could I post 3 paragraphs asking you WHY you're breaking the line at a particular place (particularly in the beginning)? Sure, I could. But I won't. I'll just try to stick to the content and trust there was a reason you did it.

it took me
years to sort through boxes
where we stored our belongings. stories exhausted
normal nonsense. toys, portrait composites
Good opening. good RHYMES.

tortured writer trope, a closet full of disguises
Good line. Says a lot with so little.

hooded hippie heretic on hopeless horizons
You know I wouldn't miss this alliteration.

birthday cards, paraphernalia, promises
exchanged in innocent honesty
A lot of your verses are packed with...nostalgia, for lack of a better term.

our language was a mixture of toxin
whiskey tonic. symptom vs. pharma. waiting to fix
plucking at our veins cause they're collapsing again
growing long in tooth and full of mucous and spit
lost inside his thoughts, reimagining shit
junkyard puppy practicing fetch by chasing a dragon
fell off and crumpled up beneath the weight of the wagon
Some heavy heroin vibes here.

save our napkins full of caricatures
half asleep and very concerned
i like the rhyme

so who do we call?
when all our heroes have fallen
A common trope in some of your pieces.
Heroes have fallen, heroes are dead.

all our parents are fossils and all the liquor is gone
its been tough. please forgive me for all of it
i'm only a consequence
Ending is somewhat abrupt. I don't know what I expected though.

Again, I'd just like to express that I'm impressed with your tone and descriptions.
Some day we'll talk about line breaks.
I quoted a bunch of this verse but not all of it, that's not a reflection on the parts that weren't quoted. I was just pressed for time and typing this up.

Will read the next one. Have a good day

[oats]

Cadence was very distinct and on point in this one. The way you structure verses now is so much more natural and fluid now. Really liked the hooded hippie heretic couplet and the "saved the game so many times" line.

[Geno]

Your my favorite

[dead man]

no u

[Geno]

Real talk.

This bar was lol and dope af imo. Whole thing is one giant qoute obv. Cause thats how the dead roll.. but i really liked this..

cookie crumbled and my fortune expired, according to china

Your the man D.
If your ever interesting in another collab. Maybe send me something? Ive been wanting to write but the only thing at this point that will provoke me is a collab with you. No pressure lol. Pz bruh