XI WK VI: Civil Rawr xD (1-3) vs. Dope girl (2-2) (CIVIL RAWR XD WINS)

[Frank]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 11 XI


VERSES: Friday, January, 27th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 24 Hour Ext: Mod/Opponent Discretion

VOTES: Monday, January 30th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 3 Vote Requirement Enforced/Penalty

MAXIMUM: 48 Lines: 64 IF AGREED UPON!

Goodluck! Civil Rawr xD Dope girl

TOPIC:

https://media0.giphy.com/media/TGtwGWTLSdfnNOJrFP/giphy.gif?cid=ecf05e475iwdcd6g7xcqxn6ei769pt55rpjr na53fc2bigv0&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g

[Civil Rawr xD]

Check

[Dope girl]

48 okay with me

[Civil Rawr xD]

Play game and you get kill
I’m serious dg


Used to have everyone on do not disturb except you
But nothing new, the notifications were too far and few
You started getting “busy” with your new workplace
I’ve gone from contemplating suicide to considering wordplay
I did everything for you since I’ve met you
Saved your life twice in foreign countries
Catered to you for a whole month after ur surgery
Name a guy who would do that for you besides me..
Name a time I ever criticized you for being less than a size C

We’ve been through a lot early on but I brushed it off as trauma
If you were fuckin them dogs, I was gettin ready to chew on a lama
Why did I marry you?
I was taking solo trip to bachelor paradises while everyone else wouldn’t dare to
I fuckin promise I had finer bitches in my bed but I didn’t care
My heart grew for you rather than anyone else who lingered there
I wait all day for that hotline bling..
You went from a late night fling to a date night thing
I’ve about lost all dignity
U used to show you cared, now ion even know if ur diggin me
I don’t wanna end up like Shane
…….but the pain



If we end up single by the years end, I have my backup plan
Get out of Cali then binge trip to Thailand, Medellin & Iran
just kidding bout Iran but nothing else rhymed
While my boys told me u were a dub, I still considered u a dime
I turn 32 in a few days, will I get a call or a text?
Will I log into insta and see a post congratulating my best?
What do I want? I wanna see ur favorite picture of us in a frame
I want you to call me babe or baby instead of saying my name
Getting affection, recognition or gratitude from u is like pulling teeth!
I’m literally on tinder right now scamming Asians with peens
Nothings ever good enough for you, it’s apparent
And the ONE thing I need from u, you can’t do.. it’s a parent
I’ve looked past all your shortcomings and faults
No matter what goes wrong w ur day somehow u make it my fault
Be an adult, trust me I’m still learning it too
Although I always give u my best I’m still yearning to prove..



Is it me or is it you? We’ve both struck out with dating till 30
What’s your excuse? Mine is…..nevermind mine, it’s too dirty
I’ve seen you in action, not the best..
I thought by ignoring ur red flags I was passing a test
Always thought god would let me marry the one I needed
But I’ve given too much already and I just need to be needed
Christ, why am I pleading?
Thank god my hairline isn’t receding
Because if we do have a falling out I swear I’ll recover
Bury more women in a month than I did the last summer


I love you dg, but what is it worth?



-cor

[Civil Rawr xD]

Dope girl WHERE ARE YOU!!!!

[Frank]

https://media.tenor.com/MgP98YgBSEIAAAAC/sasha-banks-mr-mc-mahon.gif
Dope girl



Make It 48 Lines Or I'll DQ U

[Dope girl]

That's fine

I'm working on vs now I'll post after I'm done

[Civil Rawr xD]

Fuckin Kill me now lhhhnhvcgubbb

[Dope girl]

http://www.netcees.org/private.php?do=showpm&pmid=141809

[Frank]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
http://media.tenor.com/BT2KCBsEKAgAAAAC/sasha-banks-smack-down-womens-champion.gif
Dope girl

[Dope girl]

https://media0.giphy.com/media/TGtwGWTLSdfnNOJrFP/giphy.gif?cid=ecf05e475iwdcd6g7xcqxn6ei769pt55rpjr na53fc2bigv0&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g
"Like A Needle in My Vein"





There's something in my brain,
Your Chemicals like a needle in my vein.
I felt high, feeling the pain,
Love fever drives me insane and I can't complain.
Love used to be dope,
I gave you hope.
Love was on fire, in a burning heart.
This painting of you on the wall burning art.
You left me out of spite,
That's not right.
You thought you can have your fun,
I can play this game too, I won.
I can't hold the pain longer,
I'm getting Stronger.
I'm done hoping we can stay together,
I will never be the same.
I wanted us walk down the aisle,
I thought about a wedding ring.
I thought you my King,
You used to make me smile.

[Cereal]

civil:

dope straight foward and enjoyable a good capturing.. it read smooth like you could drink a coffee to it and just casually read through it.. there wasnt much to the topic but the topic itself was a very difficult one and you did make an original concept to it.. thanks..

dope girl:

um in every general sense you got out matched but as far as style goes your verse really out shinned this battle it was just that pretty i loved the discription of painting it on the cave and stuff.. in general it really was what you would consider short and sweet.. thanks..

vote = dope girl

it was just tastier in the way of leaving you with a sweet taste in your mouth for reading and stuck to the topic better.. gl

[symetrik]

tbh, this is the best battle I've seen from you civil.

civil: held it together in a way I didn't expect from you. had a decently clear story but didn't seem super well tied to the topic in a semantic sense.

dope: tied to the topic but weak verse. I believe you lost a verse due to a power outage... tough luck, use an online editor always.

vote: civil.

[Civil Rawr xD]

There was a topic?

[Pharaohs Army]

Civil Rawr xD...

Do you have a former alias? Just curious.

You're lucky your verse was decent...because it didn't really tie to the topic/picture at all...So at the risk of pissing off Activate_Self I'm inclined to reward you the vote based on a superior/more fleshed out verse, DESPITE lack of topic connection.
Creative topical writing is very broad though, & if you hadn't admitted you didn't write to the picture you could have hyopothetically defended yourself with vague platitudes about the complexities of love&dating, & how they have "everything to do with a loaded syringe".
Topic aside,

I see a lot of potential in your writing, based on this one.
Although it does give a "not really trying" vibe. But your experience and talent provided for flashes of entertainment.
Some lines & phrases are trite, borderline filler, unexciting, uninspiring.
However, some lines & phrases are definitely good & creative.

At least twice you used meta "writing-about-writing" lines.
I thought the first one was nice and creative but the second one fell flat&sucked.
I’ve gone from contemplating suicide to considering wordplay
Vs
just kidding bout Iran but nothing else rhymed

See the difference?
First one is creative.
That second one is a hard "No". Even if you're not trying.

You went from a late night fling to a date night thing
I thought this was the LOTB, and it's even earned at least a temporary spot in my signature...Some may find it banal...I say it's a great/quick hitting 3 syllable rhyme that describes a large portion of the generation of folks currently in their 20s & 30s. Really great line.

I turn 32 in a few days, will I get a call or a text?
Will I log into insta and see a post congratulating my best?
What do I want? I wanna see ur favorite picture of us in a frame
I want you to call me babe or baby instead of saying my name
Content-wise I thought this was the best and (importantly) the most "authentic" part of the piece. Complex relationships/small things which are big things/etc.
In summary. Highlights & lowlights. Good - but you can do better. Would love to see you put in some more effort AND attempt to connect to the topic if you're in next week. Good luck

BTW, I've got you taking the W.
v/ Civil Rawr

------------------------------------------
Dope girl:
Can you believe I've been on Netcees with you for over 8.5 years?!..FFS...Minus whatever hiatuses I/we've taken.
I've seen a lot of your writings, and HISTORICALLY: [we'll get to this week's verse in just a minute.]
strengths: authenticity, emotion, usually nice cadence/flow for what are usually nice 1-syllable rhymes,
also a portion(some) of the grammatical "errors" SEEM perhaps intentional, for the purposes of flow or slang...
weaknesses:grammatical errors, elementary/overly simplistic at times, limited vocab/word choice, lack of multi-syllable rhymes...
Not trying to be harsh hun, just giving you how I see/read it...we all love your strengths :-) ...You've heard these things from me in various feedbacks, I'm sure.

There's something in my brain,
Your Chemicals like a needle in my vein.
I felt high, feeling the pain,
Nice MULTI-SYLLABLE rhyme on this last couplet! Try to use a few more of them next time.
Love fever drives me insane and I can't complain.
Good phrase of "love fever"...how about the word "yet" instead of "and"? -- to show more contrast/duality of love's emotions/consequences. "yet I can't complain"...just a suggestion, and hey, your "and" arguably flows better phonetically...just trying to make you think creatively.
Love used to be dope,
simple, yet GOOD double-meaning and relation to the topic
I gave you hope.
Love was on fire, in a burning heart.
This line is a little bit cliche', but okay.
This painting of you on the wall burning art.
Any kind of punctuation between "wall"&"burning" would improve the line (IMO). Slight pause there, right? Especially due to the comma after "fire" on the line above it:
Period. Comma, semi-colon; dash - all work there to me.
You left me out of spite,
That's not right.
You thought you can have your fun,
I can play this game too, I won.
Vintage Dope Girl line...simple but GAME OVER, lol. Very matter-of-fact statement.
I can't hold the pain longer,
I'm getting Stronger.
I'm done hoping we can stay together,
I will never be the same.
Powerful line. It is cliche', but I'd argue it's "good cliche'", and an important line that says a lot in 6 words. Glad you put it in.
I wanted us walk down the aisle,
"to* walk"
I thought about a wedding ring.
I thought you my King,
You used to make me smile.
Good closer. Another simple line that says alot.

Well,
-You nailed the picture for sure
-I see improvement in this verse based on your past works.
-My vote went to your opponent because his verse was a bit more advanced and definitely had a length advantage. But yours is more concise and ARGUABLY more impactful because the whole thing was "serious"...thus, it was a close match to me, but as mentioned above I voted for Civil Rawr.

Keep working on your weaknesses...sprinkle in a bit more multies...and on some lines ask yourself "have I heard it this way before?" HOW can I phrase this line differently so it's more impactful?...
Basically, keep writin' & improving.

Thanks to both competitors for the submissions.

[Master Rock]

This had to be Civil's and weel as DG's best verses I have read thus far. Civil seemed to have taken more time and care in his verse than I have witnessed in the past. DG seems to be begins to show more flare. Her verse felt more alive and stylized in a way that I haven't seen from her before but showed some of her signature phrases sprinkled within. I would have called it a tie, however Civil have three to four instances where I would consider as quotable as well as a more rounded story. For instance:
"I ****** promise I had finer ******* in my bed but I didn’t care
My heart grew for you rather than anyone else who lingered there"
I am giving it to Civil slightly. But DG did her thing, keep it up. I look forward seeing you develop.

[Dope girl]

I appreciate everyone feedback and votes
thanks for battling me love❤️

[Frank]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
http://media4.giphy.com/media/Er3QVX48nt5ok/giphy.gif?cid=ecf05e47p8qlo4taeikjr1yzg8fdiaxux8rl sgk6k2y85owh&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g
Civil Rawr xD
WINS!