XI WK VII: Master Rock (5-1) vs. Cereal (4-2) (MASTER ROCK WINS)

[Frank]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 11 XI


VERSES: Sunday, February 19th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 24 Hour Ext: Mod/Opponent Discretion

VOTES: Monday, February 20th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 3 Vote Requirement Enforced/Penalty

MAXIMUM: 48 Lines: 64 IF AGREED UPON!

Goodluck! Master Rock Cereal

TOPIC:

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[Cereal]

Burning Desires

in an open Harry Potter Book
..
http://media3.giphy.com/media/dxUzDHlVzOvFWojqhc/giphy.gif?cid=ecf05e477efae24y8cc406449k8wv5xvjvxf 4ncdxaqb550b&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g
..

The witches of east wick written
edward wittens bittens betty by itty bitty piggies
silly wabbits
silly carrots
as the daffodils spill the dandelions still
still a bit of a muddle at hogwarts puddle of unmuzzeled muffles
how do you be what you aint
a stripper
a saint
a wizard or warlock born of godilocks or jack and the bean stalks purple haze
say..
do or dont -
one tree, one breath then breathe by the leaves by apple for the seas
the light house for the mermaids the slaves for the birds and the bees
learn to fly, learn to ride - learn to untangled the riddle with widdle the branch for the frees
the children of the ease that birth
in earth
unwind by the caves cliffs rivers pebbles and beyond perched
parched but not starved
or opposite day where we change places and see the forest for the free fire wood paved.. worthed dipped in dirt and ready for sale..

we set to the seven seas and back again our philosphers school has a moat
and island.. and stage and steps.. from what we made of boat
coast to coast..

aite the table set the foods been placed, the drinks are of goblets a feast for princesses..
angels and several other dwarf looking griffins misses missing herself under missletoe hissing...--
the last super of grandour for the teacher rellentless the chess pieces and misspelling so sloopy
like a snoopy song of three headed cherubs with butterfly wings that apear appareant
a pear
a banana
....

as we walk dow the halls collecting fig branches untangled from the manger like star spangled manors in the manor major..

the rhyme structures rotten like our forget gold teeth bitten - say it saviour in prayers by the prior - each book writen in such langauge..

we mime it we chant it - we tip it upside down like a stylish cow tied in honour killing to keep the sticks together.. then we play..

huffle puff spearmint green light - almost too pale to white out in a white out storm..
we turn upside down and spin around the unicorns and giants born..

the game was epic, the school of glamour..
a kingdom of sorts..
the food like the drink of port flavour spoiled..

we rest for the night, the dreams our dream catcher promised..
we blow out the candle and book our magic book in the draw.. polished honest

our arts and crafts of catching lightning about paper marche' children holding hands and set them ablaze.. in one song they fade into the shades of our blinks cosmic..

we drift for whatever is beyond the pines..
beyond the edges of the bed i cant find
beyond what is beyond my mind, my eyes my minds eyes..

shattered in the whether or not to die in my own breath through it to be smothered in snugg.. i rock

a bye baby
on her witches tree top.. i rock-'abilly sleep sneeze and let death ease from system free

goodnight and amen

[Master Rock]

http://media3.giphy.com/media/dxUzDHlVzOvFWojqhc/giphy.gif?cid=ecf05e477efae24y8cc406449k8wv5xvjvxf 4ncdxaqb550b&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g
If I could take it all away
I would snip it all away,
the pain...
the pain...
I never felt the hit when it came...
dark rooms... closed doors...so strange...
strange...
In the moment, I didn't realize my change
curiosity's sharp blade diced down the pathways of innocence's vein
pumping a poisonous exchange, the demons dance along the rest of the frame
I burnt the pictures that follow me as my bane
my existence harps harsh reminders of a twisted game
the one that I never want to play
today or tomorrow,
where there's no pride to swallow,
at times just I'll ball up and wallow, in the mind of my business...
just hallow...
feeling numb, looking in the mirror searching for some
healing...
I'll pick the sabs till the wounds bleed...
suffocating...can't breathe
drown in my sorrows that won't leave
can't blame myself for the ones once trusted indeed
ill intentions, tainted deeds, no soap can't wash my soiled stains clean,
I don't want you to know the means
just the jagged edges that disrupt my scenes
I'm here, being
directed by the pasting
of an innocent never lasting
give another day
close my mouth
because I rather have nothing left to say
since I buried that part of me died that day

[symetrik]

short and sweet:

cereal - length is your enemy. your pieces are incredibly abstract and on occasion, I felt like "holy shit wait are we... in the chamber? are we... at this point in the story" but I couldn't even come close to being sure. a lot of seemingly non-hogwarts things, and even though I barely know the setting, I know for damn sure hufflepuff ain't green. this goes all over the place, and takes "abstraction" too far.

rock - simple and focused basically entirely on pain. simple by which I mean simplistic, but you held things together and it made a cohesive read. not impressed but it was far more impressive than your opponent.

vote: rock

[Pharaohs Army]

The witches of east wick written
edward wittens bittens betty by itty bitty piggies
silly wabbits
silly carrots
as the daffodils spill the dandelions still
still a bit of a muddle at hogwarts puddle of unmuzzeled muffles
how do you be what you aint
a stripper
a saint
a wizard or warlock born of godilocks or jack and the bean stalks purple haze
say..
do or dont -
one tree, one breath then breathe by the leaves by apple for the seas
the light house for the mermaids the slaves for the birds and the bees
learn to fly, learn to ride - learn to untangled the riddle with widdle the branch for the frees
the children of the ease that birth
in earth
unwind by the caves cliffs rivers pebbles and beyond perched
parched but not starved
or opposite day where we change places and see the forest for the free fire wood paved.. worthed dipped in dirt and ready for sale..

Motherfucking Fire. For the most part, I thought…No fucking lies…Not kidding…I’ve been riding you for almost 2 years to “do your style right” and I think you finally got it….Heh, not “perfect” by the end…but no piece ever is…

[We can go into the Freudian/Psychological “depths” of exploring if I was “riding” Cereal hard, in much the way that Universe scolded me to “try”…perhaps I was acting as big brother and “projecting” the “demands” from a “great writer”….projecting them onto Cereal last week…WHO DELIVERED BIG, FINALLY, IMO, and may or may not be semi-keying/trolling as an alias of Candy (But that’s another story, lol, and @this point irrelevant.)]

This verse is a “fuck you critics/phara/whoEVER” it may be, lol.
Cereal be like: “I’m gonna PUT this word here and you’re gonna rhyme it with THAT, before. YOU HAVE TO, that’s the way I wrote it! F U here’s a tongue-twisting random image ‘n u hav’ta spit it!!!! Or kewl phraze…just so gritty and cool, and kind of a friggen relief, this week…

Moving on,
OPENER, Cereal came out swinging…9/10. Love it, if you can’t tell.

we set to the seven seas and back again our philosphers school has a moat
and island.. and stage and steps.. from what we made of boat
coast to coast..

really cool rhyme…and “swag” bragging about what your philosopher’s (misspelled) school HAS, lol…2tripple0 style “simplicity”, however…so doesn’t score quite as high as opener…7.5-8/10

aite the table set the foods been placed, the drinks are of goblets a feast for princesses..
angels and several other dwarf looking griffins misses missing herself under missletoe hissing...--
the last super of grandour for the teacher rellentless the chess pieces and misspelling so sloopy
like a snoopy song of three headed cherubs with butterfly wings that apear appareant
a pear
a banana

Low-key fire again. Love the “aight” to start, the cute/fun uber-rhymes, the ludicrous self-aware misspellings, the EGREGIOUS simile to close it, with a non-rhyming from BEFORE, but rhyming (like a dick) a couple fruits at the end… a real ‘fuck you closer’ that again grades highhhh (despite the keystyle nature) 8.5/10

as we walk dow the halls collecting fig branches untangled from the manger like star spangled manors in the manor major..

the rhyme structures rotten like our forget gold teeth bitten - say it saviour in prayers by the prior - each book writen in such langauge..

we mime it we chant it - we tip it upside down like a stylish cow tied in honour killing to keep the sticks together.. then we play..

Pfft…just take it for what it is netcee-ers, more low-key fire…ARGUABLY loosely topicalizing writing/writing competitions if you look closely…a "dead cow honor killing" reference and a 3 word non-rhyming fuck you “then we play”…yes exactly, but you’re(we’re) finally "playing" "right"…not as great rhyming, or technically, as the highest grades here, but another 7.5-8/10

huffle puff spearmint green light - almost too pale to white out in a white out storm..
we turn upside down and spin around the unicorns and giants born..

the game was epic, the school of glamour..
a kingdom of sorts..
the food like the drink of port flavour spoiled..

we rest for the night, the dreams our dream catcher promised..
we blow out the candle and book our magic book in the draw.. polished honest

our arts and crafts of catching lightning about paper marche' children holding hands and set them ablaze.. in one song they fade into the shades of our blinks cosmic..

Ahhhhhhh Fiiiiiire maybe even better than your big opener….wish you didn’t end it w/ “our blinks cosmic”…ugh, it just felt a bit lazy/&reached4 to try’n close it…after ALL that fire before…that’s just my personal opinion to find a better phrase to close it & do the rest of it justice:
Tricky wording and rhyming in this section…kewl rhyme of “kingdom of sorts” after the end of the previous stanza…”port flavor spoiled” cool phonetics&change-up…aand more “casual”/”run-of-the-mill” “summation” at the end… with a good phonetic old British “book in the draw”…I feel like you’re topicalizing the craft of writing AND Hogwart’s schools etc…9.5 BANG

we drift for whatever is beyond the pines..
beyond the edges of the bed i cant find
beyond what is beyond my mind, my eyes my minds eyes..

shattered in the whether or not to die in my own breath through it to be smothered in snugg.. i rock

a bye baby
on her witches tree top.. i rock-'abilly sleep sneeze and let death ease from system free

goodnight and amen

I could argue that first “bridge”-like stanza is not as “creative” as the rest of the piece…but still it’s not terrible…then a quick brag, PLUS a tie-in to the picture and a rhymey bye-bye closer…7-7.5/10.
================================================== =
It can’t be just that I’m in a “good mood”, or something…or am complimenting other writings I find interesting…It CAN’T just be that…you spent a little extra time on this and your style is finally evident…keep it up.
Upon an initial read of Rock’s verse, this one will be close!!!--- I.e. Cereal even if you lose a close one please understand that I think you’ve found/hit on something…

Rock employs a very “audio-feel” to this one…with palpable emotion and quality end-rhyming /syllable/cadence…I THOUGHT his closer (last few lines) was the lone weak spot, BUT I say that about everything…He shows experience with some of his wording about how he “feels”, and the (at times) simple but effective flow.

Is VERY close because Rock has a more traditional verse, more polished for sure, sliiiiightly weak ending (compared with the rest of the impactfulness)…BUT Cereal finally brought it and if ANY week deserves it would be this---THAT said Cereal the most important thing is the writing is archived, not necessarily ****the W/L… Which I will EDIT IN… As soon as I can******
================================================== ======
Alright guys, sorry but I can't NOT vote Cereal here...he's earned it, in my view...
Rock, IF I'm gonna record a song -- YOURS here for SURE...just SO polished & Tight...
And genuine sad/emotion...
So maybe yes call this "personal preference" after constantly voting against/telling Cereal to "try"... well here you have it folks, take a look at that middle section.
As an "audio guy" I'm being hypocritical here (yet again), but mainly cuz this is the realm of text--
I just think for a "topical writing exercise" V Cereal stole this one with creativity, honing in on the abstract and at times bumpy/rugged but COOOL style.
Very close-- Rock, not a shot at your piece...I thought it was well done.

[sral]

This is a tough topic in some regards, the image of this innocent teddy bear burning, seemingly having been set alight somehow, or by someone, throws up more questions than it does answers. In another regard it lends itself to you guys interpretations that as you wish, there’s little really that can’t be explored. The red background for me caught my eye. Is it symbolic of love, or lust? Perhaps a woman scorned. Perhaps the first flickers a new flame. Perhaps it’s the dying embers of a relationship going up in flames… there’s a few different potential leads you could take on this image, who’s was the bear and why is it significant to your central story arc? It could be as simple as a child having grown too old to care for their teddy bear any longer, or you could place yourself as the bear feeling abandoned by its former occupier. I think the latter would offer a more creative and interesting take perhaps on this one. You could get deep into their ‘relationship’ and how it soured or how the bear is left feeling burned by their betrayal. Anyway, that’s my initial thoughts on this one, let’s see what you guys got…


Cereal: I could tell early on that Pharoah would enjoy this from Cereal, the rhyme placement is actually well executed and gives it an implied rhythmic cadence pretty much right throughout. There are some that may enjoy it purely from a “technical” perspective if they choose to focus more heavily on the multi-syllable rhyming and those aspects of rhyme scheme, but I can see why PA enjoys this due to the density of the rhyming and shorter lines used. I particularly enjoyed this line from yours:

as the daffodils spill the dandelions still

I thought that had a poignant poetic feel to it and stood out right at the beginning of the verse for me. Now, I’m admittedly not the most knowledgable when it comes to Harry Potter and whatnot, but aside from you referencing Hogwarts directly and “wizards” a little later on there, I found a lot more of this to reference other literary works, or themes, and not be so directly related to Harry Potter itself. There were “warlocks” namechecked, Goldilocks referenced, Jack and the Beanstalk, “mermaids” a little further on to give just a few examples. I caught the more subtle Harry Potter reference points such as the Goblets on the tables and you mentioning the “philosophers school” which I took to be a nod to Dumbledore. The lines seemed to elongate after that initial stanza, growing in syllable count and line length as they went, it became more difficult to digest as I went on and the rhymes became more infrequent. There are flashes where you show you may have something, like the dandelion line I quoted up top, then I felt as if this opened on a stronger foot than it closed with and somewhere in the middle the initial focus shifted. I knew PA would really like that initial stanza though, the sheer density of rhyming will have caught his attention like a moth to a flame haha!

Master Rock: I thought the emotional empathy in this verse throughout shone through, what I liked most was how you chose to toy between the use of the deep red sanguine colour seen in the background (and the bear itself too£ then utilised that in your verse with references to ‘sliced down the pathway to my innocences vein’ and later on with the ‘I’ll pick the (s)cabs til the wounds bleed’ that I thought was another deft touch here. There were instances incorporating the fire element to, this burning pain that the writer feels is described throughout, it’s “suffocating” and you feel like you “can’t breath” are all alluding to this also for me. The standout line came here:

no soap can't wash my soiled stains clean,

I felt that got perhaps overlooked by the previous voters but I thought it was a noticeable highlight to this one and wanted you to know we caught it. The emotion was the driving force behind this one, and it a strong hand to play as one could argue it presented an element that wasn’t to be found in your opponents verse.

These were two opposing styles, vastly different both in their execution, and also their delivery. While Cereal used his poetic licence to weave a succession of alternative literary works together, utilising the relative ambiguity of the topic image, Master Rock instead honed his focus in on what was presented centrally and made symbolic usage of the combined elements it held. While Cereal excelled in terms of rhyme placement, especially earlier on during his verse, I do feel Master Rock did more within the narrative framework of the image and utilised more of its components to a higher degree by working in the blood-red coloured background and the flames engulfing the protagonist here.

The deciding factor for me, I guess, came down to the execution of each verse and who I felt delivered on that stronger than their opponent this week, for me this was Master Rock as I felt that Cereal opened well enough - and had an early quotable that could rival any for line of the week - then as it continued toward the rhyme placement became less dense and compacted, the line lengths gradually crept up in syllable count, the implied rhythm is affected more as a result of a combination of both those things, almost in a chain reaction type effect with one impeding the other. Master Rock maintained his writing standard consistently well, albeit with the shorter verse length understandably, and there’s an emotional element to connect with the reader - a conflict at its source which is always a presence in good stories - and he was able to continue that right throughout this verse which had a great quotable of his own to deliver nearer the end, finishing it strongly, with what was a well dissected approach utilising numerous components of the image and working them into his piece at length.

The consistency was the major factor that it came down to for me, what with one starting strongly then perhaps becoming more sporadic, while the other stayed the course all the way through and exacted it’s planned route with well thought out mechanics to boot. Ultimately that’s what lead me to go with Master Rock this week off the strength of his overall submission, the multiple tie-ins to the image depicted be that symbolically or more directly referenced, the emotion injected throughout, and there wasn’t much to separate them by means of technical merits either in my opinion (aside from perhaps a marginal edge to Cereal toward the beginning of his verse this week). There you have it, folks. The site is down right now for me so I’ve had some time to sit and mull this one over while writing everything out. I hope you enjoy the lengthy commentary and feedback for both involved! I’ve really enjoyed writing these out this week, I can feel my love of the craft coming through and growing week on week. It’s been a long time since I was actively writing week on week, but solely and surely I’m rekindling the love I had for it.

[Soule]

I dunno what people look for on here lol.

Cereal. Cool concept but as always the wording took away from it. Not sure if it's you being from Australia or wherever or if it's just preference but things like that second line rub me the wrong way. If you could take the creative concepts you approach and have a smoother technical prowess I really feel like you'd be a champ. But as I feel like that's working against you.

Rock this was the opposite. Weaker concept but much more solid technique. Fluent writing from start to finish. Maybe more poetic or like a rock song lyrics than the typical topical but I vibes with it. Good stuff.

Again. Sorry for the wack vote. On my phone and just got off work.

Vote Rock

[Frank]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
http://media4.giphy.com/media/Er3QVX48nt5ok/giphy.gif?cid=ecf05e47p8qlo4taeikjr1yzg8fdiaxux8rl sgk6k2y85owh&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g
Master Rock
WINS!