Aero vs Scar

[Diablo]

https://i.ibb.co/tXky91q/CBC664-C1-FFBE-49-E4-8-AF0-7-ED0-CDDACB9-C.jpg

Guerrilla Writing League

Solidify your spot with Guerrillas…


Topic:

https://i.ibb.co/gwNHYNt/AE244-BE2-217-F-46-F8-B1-F6-E62-B3-AF6-BD64.jpg (https://ibb.co/jGmBtm3)

Line Limit: 16-32
Check-In’s Due: Wednesday UK time
Verses Due: Friday UK time

Aero
Scar

[Aero]

Check

[Scar]

its teddy ready with the..

[Aero]

Ext

[Scar]

Ext

Yes I will need one too sir

[Diablo]

Okay you have 9 hours

[symetrik]

-

[Scar]

^^is you in this battle?

“Clean”

Sunday flea market. Where you’ll find cheap targets
And Bargaining posture. Sellers profiting off weak product
That evening I spotted a clandestine candy bowl tucked near the old Wii cartridges.
I recalled the sweet chocolate droplets steeped in caramel and toffee toppings
He caught me reaching the top shelf, once, and got belted once.
“Clean up this mess, boy! His ordinance was a yell and blunt force trauma
Poppa was very particular. No means no drama
“Are you gonna act up, boy?”
“No, papa!”
Dad’s candy bowl was very elegant looking
Multicolored cells emboldened against the glistening light
Perfectly molded to hold candies of various sizes
He cleaned them twice a day. Spotless to every shades
A fine testament to dad’s meticulous methods
Hold it in the light and you’ll see fairy and pixies sway
To the idiosyncrasies of his intricate ways
Missing him extra, today.
But dad was never far from me.

Just last week, at my job, it was an oddest scene
Rob and me, stayed late to fucking stock and clean
The aisle.
“Make it spotless, please”, said the boss as he clock and leave for the night
Robbed gave him the cock the heaved some yellow chalks at me. “You alright?” He feigned concerns
I chased the nerd. He scurve and flea, around the curve as he stops and freeze.
It was a display of glass candy container.
“Oh shit, this is fucking dirty! Stains and dirt!
“Fuck is wrong with these people, making me work!”
I chuckled a bit then allocated the task to him to clean.
“18, past and you’re still struggling, jeez!”
“Stfu Steve! I can’t fucking do this, can you help me, please!
“Aite, I got this. LEAVE!!!”
Moments later
“Yo Steve! It’s quarter to three. You done?
“Just about.”
As Rob come to inspect the work I’ve done.
“Very good, son. I don’t know how you get it so spotless, Steve.”
“It just takes time and focus; though its not easy
My dad taught me that. Time resolve, it a godly task.
We used to have the same candy. It was our glass.”

[Aero]

Where are you going bitch?

Look here

*Shows my dick*

It's old as shit, aged 2X when COVID hit
Made a Tinder page
Looking for women at a tender age
My porn search history's very evil
The participants? Rarely people
On the app I'm looking for eighteen - nineteen
Barely legal..
Wow,
She tried to RUN.
*Pow*
I light my gun
She heard the sound and turned around
This is a Night for fun

Ok lemme stop. This isn't right I can't do this.

*Aero's Conscience*

That was getting sordid & hopeless
You're almost forty with no kids
& you're writing a verse your life is the worse
No wife it's absurd
Disappointing the Lime is rough
But Austin, your time is up

[Diablo]

Scar: I thought you were on shakier ground towards the start where you attempted the carry-over rhyme scheme, I can understand exactly what you were attempting but in truth it came off perhaps a little too clunkily here. You did clean that up considerably shortly afterwards, from that whole “blunt force trauma,” and onwards you seemed to up things a gear - the writing became more fluent, the sentences read more naturally, the introduction of the dialogue between characters was kept short and punctual and the verse read all the better for it to be truthful. “It was an oddest scene,” read a little awkward but perhaps it was intentional given the boys perceived age so I’ll work past that and keep things moving here, things get a little convoluted a bit later on around the whole “as he stops and freeze,” which could have been worded much better. I’m sure you’ll know that. The resolution here didn’t really strike me that cleanly (pardon the pun) but I’m guessing you were pushed for time and/or ran out of steam. This is definitely beatable. Top of the first on Aero I guess…

Aero: I kind of wished you had taken this one either slightly more seriously with the idea of your own time being up, OR gone the complete opposite way of that and write something comedic about someone’s time being up and creating a bucket list of something for them to do. Destroyer’s bucket list. Bags bucket list. It could have been anyone’s here really and I think you would have done really well with that as a topic open to a creative take. This one had some humour, no doubt, but also pitfalls in terms of not fully embracing the topic (until perhaps near its end). You could definitely have beaten out Scar here this week had you come with it. This verse wasn’t the one though my guy.

Vote - Scar

[symetrik]

mvgt Scar

Aero had another goofy random verse (which I'm not against, as long as it keeps you writing) - flex your comfort zone, etc. but it didn't compete.

Scar had a solid piece; I didn't quite feel the connection as a topic, and more as a gimmick - some connection throughout and the last two words. The banter went okay, although I didn't understand who was who, why they mattered, or even why the glass mattered.

If Aero came with anything else it might have contested.

[NYCSPITZ]

This battle was pretty underwhelming, Aero’s ending was pretty funny but otherwise it was pretty wack, sort of a “look at me I’m being funny and self-deprecating fellow battlers” vibe to it. Lacks confidence in writing which is sad because Aero is a good writer but I don’t think he’ll ever give an effort in topical out of insecurity for starting the art too late, if he came with it he could reach dominate levels within a month or so.

Scar you had some decent portions but the dialogue was pretty clunky and doesn’t sound at all like real conversation or even an approximation thereof in rhyming format. The concept itself had something to it, going full circle, and even entertaining the notion of a hierophanic object in the candy bowl (my interpretation of it, I guess). Although it was a bit sloppy it was more well put together than aero’s.

V/ Scar