Twin Tourney Topical Division Finals - Symetrik vs ACTIVATE SELF

[Dominate]

https://i.ibb.co/WyhDMGj/IMG-4234.jpg (https://ibb.co/bB0HCQD)

Welcome to the Twin Tourney - Topical Division!

Only two competitors remain. Who will be crowed champion?!

Due Dates:

Verses are due Friday.
Extensions are 24 hours. Any longer than that must be agreed on with your opponent (but keep it within reason).


Line Limit:

32 minimum, 48 maximum


Topic:

https://i.ibb.co/4PGNcKb/IMG-4533.jpg (https://ibb.co/dGqKSjN)



symetrik ACTIVATE SELF

[Dominate]

Note the increased line limit for the final.

[symetrik]

Cheque - mutually agreed with opponent to extend deadline to Monday night to allow for weekend writing.

[ACTIVATE SELF]

Hey, I’m currently in transit for the holidays. I’ll post a little after arriving to my destination. Apologies for the delay. It’s been a busier week than usual due to work, travel and Christmas.

[symetrik]

one last day of work

even when the work-life balance squeezed life out of his lungs,
he never really cared but he did what had to be done,
Mark had a jealousy of anyone that had braved the jump
but the urge to leap alone was never enough…
so, there he was,
trapped in a 2-D building; Mark ate from vending machines nightly.
he pretended to believe that the people around him seemed lively
but the cycle repeated, regardless of Mark’s dream to be flying;
he’s afraid of the fight, for he was neither youthful nor sprightly,
but useless and slightly too timid when cute women walked by,
he was too wrapped up in his limits like the loser he might be,
resigned to repeat lies like he might find meaning behind these:
not frantic nor hopeless; he’s “happy” and “focused”…
Mark’s fine, see?

his office, at the time, seemed mundane and hardly decorated
minus a poster of a woman and a candle that wasn’t fragrant.
Mark had tried to find peace through meditation’s sacred ways,
but this story didn’t end peacefully on this fateful day
when Mark turned from his desk and found a fledged but shaking raven
through the cracked glass that overlooked the parking lot’s hot pavement.

Mark tapped the breaking pane, and made sad faces at the baby bird,
as it bravely chirped for help but felt only faintly heard.
he softly mopped the tears and dirt that left his vision crazy blurred,
and waved away the made-up words the drunken pin-up lady slurred.
lately, lots had made him hurt and he had learned to embrace pain,
but strangely, the raven taught him how to see things in a different way.
he always hoped to take a leap; “fly free” was his favourite phrase,
but until today, his feet had always felt that they were stuck in clay,
and it sucks to say that he took this long to have made the choice,
broke his poise and left with earphones in cuz he hated the noise
of fax machines and pointless meetings that his peers enjoyed;
he only said goodbye to the receptionist, in a shaky voice,
he knew he needed to be focused and bet it’d be tough,
but never really cared and he did what had to be done.
he rejoiced when he reached the elevators and headed up.

…

“hey Edith, is that your car alarm that’s going off?”
Edith shrugged.

[symetrik]

ext granted to opponent

[Dominate]

Make any edits you to want until he posts.

[ACTIVATE SELF]

Maximus had once been a magnet in Silicon Valley,
never famous but known in its shadows and alleys.
His inventions had shaped systems, codes, and companies—
tools the world used without ever knowing him publicly.

But Max wasn’t a glutton for money; he never lusted for fame.
It was the craft that he loved, the innovation he craved.
But that all changed when the ugly truth was discovered:
the industry giants were using his tools to spy on the public.

Now, he moonlights as a sleuth, a private detective,
solving complex cases that the cops couldn’t crack—
like cybercrime and fraud orchestrated by exceptional hackers.
He enjoyed the analysis and how it kept his mind active,
but it was lacking in action and he needed a challenge.

That’s when he received an email attachment:

—
Subject: Suspicious Skydiving Accident

Maximus,

We have a case that requires your expertise.
Be advised, you may know the deceased.

Victim: Aleister Easton | Age: 53
Occupation: MetaTech V.P.

Aleister, a seasoned skydiver died in what seemed to be an accident,
but there’s something off about this tragic event.

We’ve attached footage retrieved from the scene.
Please review and share your findings with our team.

In solidarity,
Cpt. E.C. McCleen
San Diego P.D.
—

His heart sank. Aleister—Alex, as Max had known him,
had been a friend since their days spent at Princeton.
Back then, Alex was the epitome of precision:
a man who thrived on adrenaline yet never missed a step in business
or life. So, how had he died? Max didn’t hesitate.

He loaded the drone footage without delay,
his heart racing as he pressed play.

The video began grainy: Alex leaping from the plane,
a black silhouette against the endless blue terrain.
The camera shook violently, his arms opened up wide,
the parachute stowed tightly. He looked almost frozen in time,
like an eagle coasting—just floating in the sky.

Max pressed forward, then rewind. The footage slowed, no pandemonium yet,
it was eerily calm. Until Alex deployed the parachute,
and something went wrong. The ripcord jerked violently,
and the canopy ejected, but it didn’t bloom.

Instead, it collapsed inward like a defective or deflating balloon.
Max’s pulse spiked. Something wasn’t right. He zoomed in,
his focus tightening, scanning with microscopic sight.

Then he saw it.

A hand—fingers pulling the ripcord with surgical efficiency.
Max froze. That hand. It was etched into his photographic memory.
The fingers, the knuckles, the deliberate motion.

It was him. It was Ben.

An unexpected culprit.

Ben. His old rival.

The man who’d once torn apart systems with ruthless proficiency,
leaving nothing but chaos in the programming industry.
This wasn’t an accident. The parachute had been sabotaged intentionally.

Alex hadn’t fallen to fate, he’d been forced out of the sky
by a cold and calculated embrace.

Max rewound the footage, frame by frame.
The hand appeared again—it was unmistakable.

Sabotage.

An inconspicuous display of animosity and hate.
The police had missed it. But Max never overlooked
the finest details, laid bare, like the final pages of a book.

He stood abruptly, the chair scraping sharply across the floor.
This wasn’t an accident. It was murder;
and Ben was the one pulling the cords
with a cold, brutal, premeditated decorum.

[fraze]

Vote: Symetrik

I will edit later to give breakdowns, but ultimately, it comes down to a close battle. Unfortunately, one participant has exceeded the line limit three weeks in a row after multiple warnings, so I don't know how to reach a different outcome. Like its honestly not fair to the other participants or to the voters to pretend like the limits don't exist. Edit for competition and post the extended cut in the OM or something. Please, challenge yourself to meet the stated constraints of the event. Learning to edit out filler will only make you a better writer.

[symetrik]

request for votes! (thanks for the vote fraze, would love that breakdown edited in for both pieces if you've got the space this week).
Etherwave Regulator Dominate sral John Dillinger Saint Master Rock Scar Dope girl brokenhal0 Inno PancakeBrah Goatmilk713

tried to tag contenders + anyone semi-active in the chat thread.

[PancakeBrah]

Congrats to both for making the finals.

symetrik-

even when the work-life balance squeezed life out of his lungs,
he never really cared but he did what had to be done,
Mark had a jealousy of anyone that had braved the jump
but the urge to leap alone was never enough…
so, there he was,

Nice opening here, setting the table. I would have preferred 'and' instead of 'but' in the second line. The use of but strikes me as a bit more defiant and strident than the character we're painting here, whereas and fuses the lack of care with the fact he still drones on. Third and fourth line were good, you can take the third to be applicable to Mark's eventual jump or to mean that he lacked the gumption to break out of his shell and succeed within his work/life which pairs nicely as they're one in the same when he eventually does brave his own jump. The shorter line with a comma to transition is a nice piece of work - its brevity forces attention and immediately puts an image of Mark in the reader's mind.

trapped in a 2-D building; Mark ate from vending machines nightly.
he pretended to believe that the people around him seemed lively
but the cycle repeated, regardless of Mark’s dream to be flying;
he’s afraid of the fight, for he was neither youthful nor sprightly,
but useless and slightly too timid when cute women walked by,
he was too wrapped up in his limits like the loser he might be,
resigned to repeat lies like he might find meaning behind these:
not frantic nor hopeless; he’s “happy” and “focused”…
Mark’s fine, see?

2-d building was cool. Maybe not the most original concept in the world but a nice flourish emphasizing the flat dullness of the character's existence. The second line has one too many qualifiers for my taste - dropping the pretended or believed or seemed works cleaner here in my opinion. One too many layers of obfuscation although that kind of lends to the character's detachment. Like the cycle repeated/sprightly couplet the most out of this section. Just precise with a nice allusion to the the flight or fight response, worked in smoothly. I liked the 'useless and slighty' rhyme here but only because it contrasts with the rest of this section which is a bit dry and repetitive for my tastes. Too many "'adjective' and/nor 'adjective'" for my tastes but 'slightly' works as its not the end of the thought, a bit more groovy than the rest of the section. Again the last line here is strong and well voiced.

his office, at the time, seemed mundane and hardly decorated
minus a poster of a woman and a candle that wasn’t fragrant.
Mark had tried to find peace through meditation’s sacred ways,
but this story didn’t end peacefully on this fateful day
when Mark turned from his desk and found a fledged but shaking raven
through the cracked glass that overlooked the parking lot’s hot pavement.

Again here. 'Mundane and hardly decorated' after 'youthful nor sprightly', 'useless and slightly', 'frantic nor hopeless', and 'happy and focused'. All of that in a short span of lines is really noticeable and chops up the waters a bit. I think something like this could work if it was the formal conceit of the style of the piece, as in you kept doing this throughout the piece and the component parts degraded over time, matching the mental state of Mark leading to the end. As it is now its too much but doesn't go far enough. Stylistic difference in opinion I suppose. The last four lines are the best writing of the piece to this point. In the last round I noted how I disliked some of your adjective use - these four lines show good use of adjectives. The sacred before ways is doing something here, its almost acidic and furthers the sketch by editorializing against the supposed cures for Mark's internal problems. And 'fateful' is good as this is a stock phrase placed well. The last two lines have an argument for the best within the piece. Just clean writing with a nice, unobtrusive rhyme. You do seem to like ravens as a writing tool. To be nit-picky, as an office drone myself, having a poster of a woman in your office is bit unrealistic to me. Could be a chic Euro tech office thing I know nothing about.

Mark tapped the breaking pane, and made sad faces at the baby bird,
as it bravely chirped for help but felt only faintly heard.

It's almost like the raven is a metaphor.

he softly mopped the tears and dirt that left his vision crazy blurred,
and waved away the made-up words the drunken pin-up lady slurred.

Dirt in the first line seems quite forced. Second line is great, evocative, and gives us a glimpse to the internality of the character. Or I just like it because its about a drunken lady.

lately, lots had made him hurt and he had learned to embrace pain,
but strangely, the raven taught him how to see things in a different way.
he always hoped to take a leap; “fly free” was his favourite phrase,
but until today, his feet had always felt that they were stuck in clay,

A little workman like here. I think this is a bit selling past the close. Not much in terms of new information but more of a recap of what you've already told us. I do enjoy the second line as it speaks to how small, seemingly irrelevant stimulus can have oddly profound effects on us for reasons we don't understand until later if at all.

and it sucks to say that he took this long to have made the choice,
broke his poise and left with earphones in cuz he hated the noise
of fax machines and pointless meetings that his peers enjoyed;
he only said goodbye to the receptionist, in a shaky voice,
he knew he needed to be focused and bet it’d be tough,
but never really cared and he did what had to be done.
he rejoiced when he reached the elevators and headed up.

If I were writing this I'd cut 'the' before noise, throw in an em dash, and delete 'of'. Smoother that way and really dials in the scheme a bit cleaner. I really liked 'bet it'd be tough'. Such an everyday phrase applied to someone's monumental moment, very slick to me. The next line being a call back to the second line of the verse is very professional (and the and makes it so much cleaner).

…

“hey Edith, is that your car alarm that’s going off?”
Edith shrugged.

Classy finish.

Similar to last week's but better. I'm a sucker for a character sketch in this format of writing. Its perfect for topicals and you submitted a good one. The whole theme and tone of the piece is perfectly up my alley and honestly in a similar vein to how I wrote back in the day. I had some issues with wording or technical stuff but I think every single voter will have that with every single verse they read. Just an enjoyable, tight verse that accomplished its goal with nice writerly flourishes. You know what you're doing.

Activate Self-

Maximus had once been a magnet in Silicon Valley,
never famous but known in its shadows and alleys.
His inventions had shaped systems, codes, and companies—
tools the world used without ever knowing him publicly.

Really crisp. No notes on the technique here. Well observed as well, when I had Twitter these random 'important' tech types would show up on my feed. I have no idea what they do. I'm sure they shape systems, codes, and companies.

But Max wasn’t a glutton for money; he never lusted for fame.
It was the craft that he loved, the innovation he craved.
But that all changed when the ugly truth was discovered:
the industry giants were using his tools to spy on the public.

Introducing the character's full name in the first section then using his nickname in the second is a clever bit of work. The first two lines are well done here, just efficient writing. My mans putting in colons, semi-colons, and commas where they need to be. Plot propelled.

Now, he moonlights as a sleuth, a private detective,
solving complex cases that the cops couldn’t crack—
like cybercrime and fraud orchestrated by exceptional hackers.
He enjoyed the analysis and how it kept his mind active,
but it was lacking in action and he needed a challenge.

Same as above, no real notes here. Well written.

That’s when he received an email attachment:

—
Subject: Suspicious Skydiving Accident

Maximus,

We have a case that requires your expertise.
Be advised, you may know the deceased.

Victim: Aleister Easton | Age: 53
Occupation: MetaTech V.P.

Aleister, a seasoned skydiver died in what seemed to be an accident,
but there’s something off about this tragic event.

We’ve attached footage retrieved from the scene.
Please review and share your findings with our team.

In solidarity,
Cpt. E.C. McCleen
San Diego P.D.
—

This whole section is a clever-off with yourself that you won. Well paced with diagetic rhyming that doesn't distract or feel forced. Very nice.

His heart sank. Aleister—Alex, as Max had known him,

Again clever, condensing the previous full to nickname device into one line for brevity's sake while pulling off a call back.

had been a friend since their days spent at Princeton.
Back then, Alex was the epitome of precision:
a man who thrived on adrenaline yet never missed a step in business
or life. So, how had he died? Max didn’t hesitate.

Descriptive and propulsive writing but Type A personalities die every day, b.

He loaded the drone footage without delay,
his heart racing as he pressed play.

The video began grainy: Alex leaping from the plane,
a black silhouette against the endless blue terrain.
The camera shook violently, his arms opened up wide,
the parachute stowed tightly. He looked almost frozen in time,
like an eagle coasting—just floating in the sky.

Max pressed forward, then rewind. The footage slowed, no pandemonium yet,
it was eerily calm. Until Alex deployed the parachute,
and something went wrong. The ripcord jerked violently,
and the canopy ejected, but it didn’t bloom.

Instead, it collapsed inward like a defective or deflating balloon.
Max’s pulse spiked. Something wasn’t right. He zoomed in,
his focus tightening, scanning with microscopic sight.

Carrying the rhyme over was a nice wake up line. Everything dialed in here, with a purpose.

Then he saw it.

A hand—fingers pulling the ripcord with surgical efficiency.
Max froze. That hand. It was etched into his photographic memory.
The fingers, the knuckles, the deliberate motion.

It was him. It was Ben.

An unexpected culprit.

Ben. His old rival.

This is where the piece loses me a bit. Nothing wrong with the writing. That's consistently well done throughout the piece. Although I think you can completely drop 'An unexpected culprit' and the piece would be better for it. I don't particular care or want for a twist in a narrative topical but the introduction of the culprit here is a bit of an 'Okay?' moment. We introduce a third character who's only reason to exist is to be the third character who is the culprit.

The man who’d once torn apart systems with ruthless proficiency,
leaving nothing but chaos in the programming industry.
This wasn’t an accident. The parachute had been sabotaged intentionally.

Losing me more. We have Max who is a magnet in Silicon Valley who got into tech for the love of the game (good at his job, probably precise). Okay we have Alex who we know from his Princeton days has been precise. Okay we have Ben (his full name is probably Benjamin) who is ruthless proficient. I'm thinking he's pretty precise. And here's the thing - Ben kills Alex and Max knows about it now.

Alex hadn’t fallen to fate, he’d been forced out of the sky
by a cold and calculated embrace.

Max rewound the footage, frame by frame.
The hand appeared again—it was unmistakable.

Sabotage.

An inconspicuous display of animosity and hate.
The police had missed it. But Max never overlooked
the finest details, laid bare, like the final pages of a book.

He stood abruptly, the chair scraping sharply across the floor.
This wasn’t an accident. It was murder;
and Ben was the one pulling the cords
with a cold, brutal, premeditated decorum.

And we wrap it all up. Max has the eureka moment, he knows who killed Alex. And within this plot we come to understand that the way we live is the way we kill and are caught killing - being precise, cold and dispassionate. All in a bow I suppose.

A really well written piece from a technical perspective. Any note(s) I would have are my own preferences and probably wrong, grammatically and plot theory wise. A clear, concise plot with proper mechanics. Industrially precise. No notes. Overall did very little for me. To pull off a narrative there has to be meat on the bone. Insane command of language. Philosophical rigor. Extreme wit. An unexpected twist. Memorable characters with internality and distinct personalities. Something to latch onto as we go from point A to B to C to D.

-

My vote goes to symetrik. Neither verse had such an outlandish interpretation of the topic that it would sway my vote. Activate Self was technically cleaner and if I needed someone to proofread something I wrote I'd go to him a 1000x before symetrik. But symetrik wrote something with flourishes and mistakes which I'll always find more interesting. It was written in a format I prefer (sketch v. plot) and had more to say and said more to me than his opponent's.

A worthy champ match. Well done fellas.

[symetrik]

bump

Etherwave Regulator Dominate sral John Dillinger Saint Master Rock Scar Dope girl brokenhal0 Inno

[symetrik]

sorry, double posted cuz internet

[ACTIVATE SELF]

Welp, maybe it's time to call it a day. Let me offer you my real, unbiased breakdown.
—

"One Last Day of Work"

___

even when the work-life balance squeezed life out of his lungs,
he never really cared but he did what had to be done,
___

I love this opening. It flows effortlessly and immediately establishes the type of character you're introducing: a worker bee, a drone, a cog in the wheel. He’s the guy who keeps his head down and grinds away, no matter the toll it takes on his quality of life. It sets the stage perfectly.
___

Mark had a jealousy of anyone that had braved the jump
but the urge to leap alone was never enough…
___

The rhyme here feels natural and well-placed. “Anyone” fits perfectly—it’s simple yet effective. I also really like your writer's voice. For some reason, I can hear a 70-year-old British narrator with a dry wit delivering these lines. It reminds me of a Simon Pegg movie or something with that kind of dark humor and self-awareness. It adds an extra layer of texture and charm to the verse.
___

so, there he was,
trapped in a 2-D building; Mark ate from vending machines nightly.
he pretended to believe that the people around him seemed lively
but the cycle repeated, regardless of Mark’s dream to be flying;
he’s afraid of the fight, for he was neither youthful nor sprightly,
but useless and slightly too timid when cute women walked by,
he was too wrapped up in his limits like the loser he might be,
resigned to repeat lies like he might find meaning behind these:
not frantic nor hopeless; he’s “happy” and “focused”…
Mark’s fine, see?
___


This section is excellent—smooth and packed with vivid imagery. It really brings Mark to life as a character, showcasing all his flaws and insecurities. He’s a sympathetic figure, trapped in his own mediocrity and self-doubt.

That said, there are a few word choices I wasn’t fond of. “Sprightly” feels a bit out of place here—it’s technically correct, but it doesn’t quite fit the tone. Similarly, “he’s afraid of the fight” is clear, but it feels too straightforward compared to the rest of the piece. The last word, “see,” also comes across as a bit of a cop-out. It rhymes well, but it doesn’t feel as elevated as the rest of the stanza.

Still, these are minor nitpicks. Overall, this section is fantastic.

___

his office, at the time, seemed mundane and hardly decorated
minus a poster of a woman and a candle that wasn’t fragrant.
Mark had tried to find peace through meditation’s sacred ways,
but this story didn’t end peacefully on this fateful day
when Mark turned from his desk and found a fledged but shaking raven
through the cracked glass that overlooked the parking lot’s hot pavement.
___

The detail here is great, especially the poster and the unscented candle. It encapsulates Mark’s drab, lifeless existence perfectly. I’m not a fan of “fledged,” though—it’s used correctly, but it feels awkward. Everything else lands well.
___

Mark tapped the breaking pane, and made sad faces at the baby bird,
as it bravely chirped for help but felt only faintly heard.
he softly mopped the tears and dirt that left his vision crazy blurred,
and waved away the made-up words the drunken pin-up lady slurred.
___


The raven as a symbolic reflection of Mark is a powerful touch. I can see it as an omen or a mirror of his own struggles. The word “dirt” feels out of place, though—it doesn’t quite fit the tone or context. Similarly, “crazy” doesn’t land as effectively as it could. But the closing line here is fire—both in rhyme and in how it shows Mark’s tenuous grip on reality.

___

lately, lots had made him hurt and he had learned to embrace pain,
but strangely, the raven taught him how to see things in a different way.
he always hoped to take a leap; “fly free” was his favourite phrase,
but until today, his feet had always felt that they were stuck in clay,
and it sucks to say that he took this long to have made the choice,
broke his poise and left with earphones in cuz he hated the noise
of fax machines and pointless meetings that his peers enjoyed;
___


This section is poignant. You’ve captured Mark’s breaking point beautifully, balancing melancholy with a subtle touch of dark humor. The gradual build-up to his decision is well-crafted. The line about his earphones and hatred for the noise is particularly evocative—it adds a relatable human touch.

___

he only said goodbye to the receptionist, in a shaky voice,
he knew he needed to be focused and bet it’d be tough,
but never really cared and he did what had to be done.
___

The callback to the opening lines ties everything together nicely. The full-circle moment gives the piece a satisfying structure.

___
he rejoiced when he reached the elevators and headed up.
…
“hey Edith, is that your car alarm that’s going off?”
Edith shrugged.
___

The ending is clever—Mark’s final act going unnoticed mirrors the way he lived. It’s bittersweet and fitting for the character.

Overall Thoughts:
This is an excellent character-driven piece. You’ve taken a metaphorical approach to the topic, crafting a story that’s both poignant, yet, in a strange way, kind of light hearted too. While there are a few word choices that could be refined, the writing overall is sharp, evocative, and memorable.

Vote: Symetrik. This is a strong contender and a fitting close to the tournament.

[symetrik]

Providing feedback to opponent after concession of battle

In general, there were a significant few places where it felt, to me, the rhyme fell off - I'm trying to review the entire line for shadows + multis + etc., but I still feel strongly things were worded weird in a fair amount of places - enough to throw me off the "hip hop/poetry" vibe and throw me into "oh it's just a story" vibe which, while I love a good story, I want the flow and the rhymes and the schemes and the... yeah.

Maximus had once been a magnet in Silicon Valley,
never famous but known in its shadows and alleys.
His inventions had shaped systems, codes, and companies—
tools the world used without ever knowing him publicly.

s/magnate? I think this was an interesting context-setting strategy, giving your subject a rather rich and mysterious backstory without seeming to expand on what it truly was - the nitty gritty. I think I have this stance having worked in tech - I wanna know WHAT he did, rather than the ephemeral "yeah... he did the stuff... with the computers..." xD

But Max wasn’t a glutton for money; he never lusted for fame.
It was the craft that he loved, the innovation he craved.
But that all changed when the ugly truth was discovered:
the industry giants were using his tools to spy on the public.

nice to see a morally non-corrupt tech oligarch.
I think this plays nicely in the overall "Silicon Valley dystopia" vibe, but it's also seemingly the only real touch on a "dystopian" vibe and I think I'd have liked having more.

Now, he moonlights as a sleuth, a private detective,
solving complex cases that the cops couldn’t crack—
like cybercrime and fraud orchestrated by exceptional hackers.
He enjoyed the analysis and how it kept his mind active,
but it was lacking in action and he needed a challenge.

while I do like the career transition, I also feel like this is jerking the reader around - he didn't like tech so he found something he likes, then found that starting to be mundane. sort of the curse of instagram I see (in general) - always posting the good and not realizing the mundane is 90% of it, seems like a similar mindset in struggling to accept the day to day "boring" and wanting excitement.

That’s when he received an email attachment:

—
Subject: Suspicious Skydiving Accident

Maximus,

We have a case that requires your expertise.
Be advised, you may know the deceased.

Victim: Aleister Easton | Age: 53
Occupation: MetaTech V.P.

Aleister, a seasoned skydiver died in what seemed to be an accident,
but there’s something off about this tragic event.

We’ve attached footage retrieved from the scene.
Please review and share your findings with our team.

In solidarity,
Cpt. E.C. McCleen
San Diego P.D.
—

This was cool tbh - it further solidified "story" and pushed things forward in a traditional storytelling sense. I hate the "you may know the deceased" then the immediate next line names them xD like your eyes wouldn't have spotted the familiar name first xD but that's just a nit.

His heart sank. Aleister—Alex, as Max had known him,
had been a friend since their days spent at Princeton.
Back then, Alex was the epitome of precision:
a man who thrived on adrenaline yet never missed a step in business
or life. So, how had he died? Max didn’t hesitate.

I would have liked more of an exposure to Alex's adrenaline - this would have helped tie in the above lines of Max losing enjoyment in the mundanity, if they both were good friends and one was the adrenaline junkie that dragged the other along - instilling the love of the thrill and furthering the gap between what brings joy and what feels boring.

He loaded the drone footage without delay,
his heart racing as he pressed play.

The video began grainy: Alex leaping from the plane,
a black silhouette against the endless blue terrain.
The camera shook violently, his arms opened up wide,
the parachute stowed tightly. He looked almost frozen in time,
like an eagle coasting—just floating in the sky.

This is cool, captures the topic - not much to say here.

Max pressed forward, then rewind. The footage slowed, no pandemonium yet,
it was eerily calm. Until Alex deployed the parachute,
and something went wrong. The ripcord jerked violently,
and the canopy ejected, but it didn’t bloom.

Instead, it collapsed inward like a defective or deflating balloon.
Max’s pulse spiked. Something wasn’t right. He zoomed in,
his focus tightening, scanning with microscopic sight.

this is a solid piece of storytelling, especially the danger, buuuuut I feel like the rhymes fell off completely - some are still there, spiked/right/tight-ening/sight, etc. but I dunno. it just felt off.

Then he saw it.

A hand—fingers pulling the ripcord with surgical efficiency.
Max froze. That hand. It was etched into his photographic memory.
The fingers, the knuckles, the deliberate motion.

HE SAW A HAND WHILE THE ALEX WAS MIDAIR? IS BEN A FUCKING GREMLIN?
this could not click for me. I know you said rewind earlier but in terms of the flow of reading, this seems like the hand that pulled the ripcord was happening midair. I can't read it any other way lol.

It was him. It was Ben.

An unexpected culprit.

Ben. His old rival.

The man who’d once torn apart systems with ruthless proficiency,
leaving nothing but chaos in the programming industry.
This wasn’t an accident. The parachute had been sabotaged intentionally.

fucking rival Gremlins. also, I'd argue that someone that "ruthlessly tears apart systems in programming" is probably a good guy - enforcing security protocols/strictness. just a nit from the industry. I don't like the repeat of the name "Ben" either, but I do like the general vibe of who Ben is - the villain! although I do wanna know more about him. I want to learn about him earlier (which probably demands more line limit)

Alex hadn’t fallen to fate, he’d been forced out of the sky
by a cold and calculated embrace.

Max rewound the footage, frame by frame.
The hand appeared again—it was unmistakable.

Sabotage.

"rewound and the hand appeared again" makes it sound like he wasn't expecting it to xD

An inconspicuous display of animosity and hate.
The police had missed it. But Max never overlooked
the finest details, laid bare, like the final pages of a book.

He stood abruptly, the chair scraping sharply across the floor.
This wasn’t an accident. It was murder;
and Ben was the one pulling the cords
with a cold, brutal, premeditated decorum.
again, "Ben was the one pulling the cords" makes me think he was like strapped to the dude's back and escaped somehow, ***kling.

the ending is rough - the story feels like "context, current boredom, opportunity, analysis of opportunity, realization of the truth, annnnd done" which was disappointing - especially that he was JUST getting up. I wanted to see more about Max and what he was capable of but never got to see it other than "he saw a hand on a recording that somehow the cops missed".

I tried to approach my feedback largely from a story-telling feedback perspective.

A pleasure attending the finals with ya!