Week 1 - YDK vs. Scripter - YDK WINS 8-2

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread , preferably edit it in the check in

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss
If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension


Topic

http://wallpaperswa.com/thumbnails/detail/20120814/ocean%20sand%20spade%20digital%20art%20bucket%20sa nd%20castle%201680x1050%20wallpaper_wallpaperswa.c om_72.jpg


Good Luck YDK Scripter

[YDK]

I've worked for years solidifying my name in history,
I can't explain what it is to me, using my fortunes an misery.
Inscribing my name while i'm describing my pain,
Happy isn't good enough, it drives me insane!
A beautiful house, REAL ocean front property,
Just a man in his mansion, not living life properly.
Working hard everyday not acknowledging prophecies,
Of making "Jack a dull boy" which is not wat i sought to be.
I wanted a family, maybe a dog; a faithful wife and a son,
I needed a father growing up
so my whole life I've dreamed to BE one!
Instead i ignored women for business opportunities
as smiles came few to me less women were choosing me.
Deciding that my novels were more important than matrimony
left me growing old alone, with marbel counter tops an Bologna.
Looking back at my choices I regret neglecting love,
Giving up a happy home for an empty castle an Persian rugs.
This "legacy" I was creating is just material and fictitious,
A life long fantasy full of missed chances and lost wishes.
"Pity me" thoughts in my brain that are harder to get rid of than vermin,
Because the worst thing about life's lessons, is you die once you learn em.
Slowly I realized that i threw away a pearl an used the clam to shine,
While it all plays out like a pantomime.
Everything I've built with these hands of mine,
Will be washed away in the sands of time.

[Scripter]

I am but just a grain fortified by integrity
a correspondent to the waves of Fibonacci melody
but fragile alas death's dry touch keeps tightening
I am my own righting
a lightning strike in short stride of transparency
I finally know my place
while my surroundings remain unknown to me
I throw no stones
because the unknown is the only true home of free
heard through the conch shell's echo of gull calls
until the sound asleep
felt as a gentle breeze
and the tides that push and pull pieces so peacefully
because starry nights are what keeps dreams and hoping key
Like a diamond in the ruff come to find loves true esprit
Over flowing oceans give life to streams from the highest seas
and hurricanes renew and change paths
merciful humor only seen through the eye in thee

[Zen]

YDK
I wanted a family, maybe a dog; a faithful wife and a son,
I needed a father growing up
so my whole life I've dreamed to BE one!
^dope
Your verse got stronger and stronger as it progressed with the questions on the meaning of life, 'you only know when you're dead', and the regrets of life that we all face were laid out here. If I had just read the first few lines, which were slow and uninteresting to me, I would've never caught the emotion you laid out in the last few. Really the ending of this verse sold it to me. Good drop.

Scripter
I didn't find any bars that stuck out but nonetheless this was a nice drop and I was pleasantly surprised by it. You have a very poetic feel which is something I don't remember from reading your cypher posts before. I liked it except for a few lines. Tightening/righting is a stretch for a rhyme, and I lost the flow because of that. But I can see you have allot of potential. Keep it up.

V/YDK

[NYCSPITZ]

cool battle,

I thought a lot of scripter's wording and delivery was on point. The opening 2 lines were sick and imo this was ill imagery:

"heard through the conch shell's echo of gull calls"

It was strong at points but I felt you could have fleshed out the verse a bit more. I saw the connection between bars but they weren't as emphatic as YDK's. So your concepts were strong but the execution could've been a bit better, maybe go over it a few times to fix the minor grammatical errors and by doing that you'll find even better ways of wording and executing ideas with a stronger continuity throughout the verse.

YDK's was nice, cool storytelling with an undercurrent of "money isn't everything". While I would probably contend through personal interpersonal relationships that rich people are happier than poor people 99 times out of 100, there are certainly rich bachelors out there who have neglected everything else in their lives other than accumulating wealth which is imo very unfortunate. The wording, flow, scheme was dope and a clear continuity makes this read the winner this round.

V/ YDK

[Adonis]

Let's start with script - I actually really enjoyed this verse. The immagery and feel to the entire verse was damn near serene. The wordin crisp aside from "peacefully/hopiing key". That bar had a break in it, I mean the tense fucked up or something. Other then that, I thought everything worked. I've never been a strong advicit of "true rhymes" because I how I talk I make things rhyme that others wouldn't. So this verse to me in a nut shell, hit the topic on its head, had solid meaning and dope imagery with decent to average flow. All in all I love the writers voice I guess.

YDK - solid verse. I enjoyed the story even if I felt it to be short and I really enjoyed the ending. And if I can be honest, you probably saved the W with that final bar. To me, with the final statement you brought the verse full circle with the photo, which is tough, very tough to do. So how could I not vote for you??

V/ YDK.

Vvery close for me, while I enjoyed scripters a bit more stylistally, YD just had the more complete verse. If Script had maybe made the verse a bit longer, or even took a extra day to pefect the schemes and thoughts behind the bars he would have had the easy win from me. Dope battle tho

[e11even]

YDK- This wasn't laden with beautiful metaphors and whimsical
vocab, but this was a strong, heartfelt piece. I connected more
with this subject matter, alongside its somewhat parrallel symbolism
in relation top the picture. Decent piece.

SCRIPTER- This sounded so beautiful to me. Some parts didn't
exactly connect rhyme-wise, but this was, overall, a pretty solid
piece. I just didn't feel exactly grabbed by this, as it was a little impersonal
and more of a meditation on your chosen angle.

I liked both of them and both had strong attributes. For me, this came
down to the lasting impression after reading. I choose YDK.
Good job both of you guys...

[Certain]

YDK: The sand palace as metaphor was probably the right approach, but your take was a bit too head-on. I think the general simplicity of your writing accented that. Your rhymes and flow were fine, though, and you built your character well. I think it would have been more interesting had the verse been present tense and the story been told by the story teller rather than the protagonist. All of your action happened in the past or will happen in the future, but a more captivating story-telling style is to build off the present. I respect the straightforwardness, though, because I thought you managed to use the photo literally a bit while working on a metaphorical level. That's not easy. Cleaning up your wording could help a lot. "As smiles came few to me less women were choosing me" in particular seemed awkward and clunky, what with "women" in the previous line. Specific images would have helped bring the story along, too. Mostly you stuck to common descriptions and built off the reader's own views of things. Details are the key to great imagery. But this was a good effort as you continue to get back in the swing of things.

Scripter: Tackling this topic by talking about being a single grain of sand is sort of akin to seeing a tree but not the forest, and I liked that. This was a very creative way to handle the topic, and that's the name of the game in these leagues. I wish your rhymes matched your diction. They were too simple, and exploring with multiple-syllable rhymes and internal rhymes would be a big help to smoothing out your flow and making your verses more readable. But the writing was pretty cool. You had a lot of good one-liners and images, though there also were a share of clunk ones like "keeps dreams and hoping key." I think you have a lot of potential here, but fleshing out your content would have helped in this case against an opponent who told a more complete story with better rhymes.

Vote: YDK

[Inno]

ydk.

this was cool I like the tone this had. to the point with no hitch. gotta say this read smoothly..you seemd to breeze right through the story..thought that was cool to..dope start dope ending...kind if cliché but who the fuck cares..no real complaints other than maybe this was to literal....could of used a bit more depth more detail to the plite...dope shit tho

script.

I thought this was fucking dope man. I liked your imagery a bit more than ydk's. I thought you put together some clever lines through out this piece...you had a bit more fancy to your words lol..cool vocab and dope fow...I really liked this verse..captured the pic while taking a chance and writing something outside the box...great overall metaphor as well.


overall.

I honestly thought both did well..ydk had a nice metaphor to his writing while scripter matched him...but in the end I think ama go with scripter. I thought he had a lot more to offer in his content..not to much there but he managed to pack so much with an almost flawless manner..as well as telling a tale. ydk some cool lines but really nothing that had me thinking or shaking my head like dam that was cool..overall he had a dope verse worthy of praise but against scripters attempt I thought scripter brought a better showing...good battle

script.

[Aesthetic]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecZo0IvO0S4

YDK:

I wanted a family, maybe a dog; a faithful wife and a son,
I needed a father growing up
so my whole life I've dreamed to BE one!

Powerful man, I honestly felt like this should of been the opener.

Everything I've built with these hands of mine,
Will be washed away in the sands of time.

I loved the closer; everything about your vocabulary I enjoyed and was a great read let alone how sad it was. I only felt like it was missing an actually story or direction it was just going down and down until it reached a conclusion of more sadness, pretty much saw it comming after the first half.

No climax, no real focal points; wish it was longer had more ups and downs rather just downs.



Scripter:

I am but just a grain fortified by integrity
a correspondent to the waves of Fibonacci melody

You just blew my mind with the Fibonacci melody; not a lot of people precollege or even graduates know what that is and how important the golden # is.

a lightning strike in short stride of transparency
I finally know my place

Very subtle but noticable on a second look; I loved this style and word choice.

heard through the conch shell's echo of gull calls
until the sound asleep

I really didn't like this until I picked up on the imagery, and I would stay away from lines like this unless your doing this the entire verse. Which you kind of been doing but not really setting up a scene as much as you were envisioning the words yourself; I feel anyways.

and hurricanes renew and change paths

This should have been the closer.


merciful humor only seen through the eye in thee


This shouldn't have been in the song by itself, next time bar it with something like uh beautiful; seeing how it's a deep outlook.


V/Script

Overall came as a better read with a better direction and more uh insightful metaphors. Yo I hate to be the one to say this, but people vote based on historical skill rather then what they bring to the table that day; honestly some gay shit and I dont wanna delve into it deeper but thats what I have been noticing pattern wise, people always vote for the same people unless it's the finals. Maybe it's an artistic preference thing which is word but I mean shit, nobody will ever improve if they get beat by someone because they have more fans.

You won this hands down.

Both of you brought lyrics, well played.

[Mike Wrecka]

ok cool battle fellas.

ydk - I liked the approach. the sand castle representing what you wanted in life but never was able to achieve because you focused on other things. cool concept.

This "legacy" I was creating is just material and fictitious,
A life long fantasy full of missed chances and lost wishes.
"Pity me" thoughts in my brain that are harder to get rid of than vermin,
Because the worst thing about life's lessons, is you die once you learn em.

this was powerful to me. I think these are definitely the best lines of your verse.
which got better and better as it moved along. like you picked up steam. focus a little more on the introduction or story lead in next time and you have a very dope verse. overall it was an enjoyable read.

scripter- your a good writer. that's evident. this verse for me in a topical league, captured the vibe of the pic, but kinda didn't really go anywhere. you created a feeling of enchantment though and that was appreciated.

and the tides that push and pull pieces so peacefully

I liked that line. liked how pieces and peacefully play off each other

in the end though it wasn't a cohesive or fully fleshed out telling of this topic. it needed to be longer and i think that held you back. elaborate next time

good battle. scripter had the better vocab and rhyming mechanics but ydk told a complete vision. scripter needed to write more for this. and for that

vote - ydk

[Mike Wrecka]

up

[Pinot Grij]

YDK, liked the angle on the topic... I think it was pretty straightforward but you gave it some nice depth and it resonated in the end... the man's palace is washed away because he has left nothing behind.. you conveyed the regret well... some nice lines...

Because the worst thing about life's lessons, is you die once you learn em.

Again, fairly straightforward, but nicely executed piece.

Scripter. I liked the flow and feel of what you did, but I felt it was way too short to take me anywhere. The descriptions were nice, except a few misplaced word choices for me...

the only true home of free
what keeps dreams and hoping key
merciful humor only seen through the eye in thee

Shit like this just sounds so awkward and takes away from anything else you do, imo.

Vote - YDK

[Mr. J]

Well this was a good battle...although some voted focus on RHYMING
I quite enjoyed Scripters verse due to creative usage of writing
which the league is about sadly you didn't take it beyond what it started out as
the flow of the piece was great thpugh I like tje fibonacci name drop
you performed quite adequately for not writing more
YDK...you did a great job as well you captured what Scripter chose not to
making the piece carry a more...resonating feel in my mind
you added some character which goes a long way
..nice work fellas but Ima have to go with YDK