Week 1 - patrown vs Atheist - patrown wins 8-0

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread , preferably edit it in the check in

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss
If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension


Topic -

http://coolvibe.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/apocalypse-road.jpg

patrown Atheist good luck

[Atheist]

Yo due to some crap that has come up I cant finish my verse but I will post what I have, altho it was just the opening, it will have to do. Also please dont sign me out as I intend to show every week this season, thank you.


In need of guidance, the world sleeps, engulfed in silence
As they tread the crisp suface beneath, glistening like diamonds
Beneath the mask, frozen eyelids, obscureing eyes with confusion
Limited movement, driven forward by instinct, last of the humans
A trio of crewman, bound together in a world of debris & decay
Alone & afraid, breathing toxins from the remains paving the way
Remnants of the great war, foretold scenes, consequences disastrous
As the self distructive nature grew prominance, mankind were the masters
Looters, petty theft, nations at loggerheads with nuclear threats
Like a game of chess, pieces were in motion until the button was pressed
The death of progress, the earth regressed, welcome to the nuclear winter



'

[patrown]

the mans steps are traced by our brothers in arms,
men carry his burden staying numb to alarm,
staring in wonder at skylines as they crumble.
men succumbing to the times, forever humbled,
by our own creations that had patiently slept.
until the day came we prayed would stay away from our nests.
those alive wished they'd died, radiating regret,
skin bubbled from cheeks, falling chunks of flesh.
blackened eyes became blind to violent scenes of death,
unseen behind masks screening poisons from their breath,
only living as servants to the badge worn on his chest.
our mother drowns its deformed children in after birth,
a little boy's bubble that didn't have to burst.
leaders stay clear of the wars path and stay unhurt,
in bunkers built by our taxes on the backs of the serfs,
cursed to the darkness, skies filled with the ashes of Earth.

[Dove Dozer]

Athiest - Solid verse here. vocab was excellent. technically I found it lacking. However extremely descriptive making it for a very interesting enjoyable read. with a little technical flair to your verses I think you would be much more of a threat here. just my opinion. good verse.

Patrown - tight lines, your flow was nice. great wording, showing that bars can be short and say lots.

men succumbing to the times, forever humbled.

^ niiiiice..

a few really nice quotable lines in here. short and sweet, but nailed in perfect.

Vote - Patrown. I felt he just edged this with a tighter flowing verse, which with all aspects combined gave his verse a little more oomph.

props to both.

[Rawn MD]

Lol this is fuct

Atheist this my first time readin u dood I enjoyed it. Real talk I found that sht nicr, flowrd well n I liked ur word choice. ..moreover ur approach, which although wa dope imo killed u bc u couldnt complete the character n I think that robbed u.

Patrown I liked ur verse too..flow was solid, not as good as ur opponents but thas my imo. My one prob w the verse was I didnt like the approach, felt it kind of bland. But bc it was more complete I think u edged this..but I feel if atheist had more time he woulda took this.

Vote patrown

[Vulgar]

Atheist - This had the beginnings of a traditional post-apocalyptic story going for it. I could sort of see where it was headed because both fiction & film have taken us down the end of the world avenue so many times (not to mention Lord Chyeah's forecasts of doom and gloom) so if you didn't do something snazzy in the form of a twist or a statement, this would probably have shaped up to be an 'ordinary' type of verse, in my opinion of what you wrote so far, that is.

patrown - Pretty nice verse p, I actually loved how you laced the flow. Tight knit, unpredictable style. Good instincts and strong end rhymes. I don't remember reading anything substantial from you but I like what I see.

Vote - patrown

[Aesthetic]

Atheist:

In need of guidance, the world sleeps, engulfed in silence
As they tread the crisp suface beneath, glistening like diamonds

Very nice intro, I enjoyed the flow and wordchoice as well as the meta's. Cool intro.

Beneath the mask, frozen eyelids, obscureing eyes with confusion
Limited movement, driven forward by instinct, last of the humans
A trio of crewman, bound together in a world of debris & decay

I didn't very much like this though it summed the story up and was good for plot recognition.

Alone & afraid, breathing toxins from the remains paving the way
Remnants of the great war, foretold scenes, consequences disastrous
As the self distructive nature grew prominance, mankind were the masters
Looters, petty theft, nations at loggerheads with nuclear threats
Like a game of chess, pieces were in motion until the button was pressed
The death of progress, the earth regressed, welcome to the nuclear winter


Im bummed out you didn't get to finish, this looked like it was shaping to be a fun read..


patrown:


the mans steps are traced by our brothers in arms,
men carry his burden staying numb to alarm,
staring in wonder at skylines as they crumble.
men succumbing to the times, forever humbled,

Very prophilic and attentive to emotion; I love the skylines crumbling line thats the shit I want to see more of.

by our own creations that had patiently slept.
until the day came we prayed would stay away from our nests.
those alive wished they'd died, radiating regret,
skin bubbled from cheeks, falling chunks of flesh.

I didn't like this as much as the intro until I saw how graphic you could be with what little descriptions you used on the skin deterioration aspect. More of this.

blackened eyes became blind to violent scenes of death,
unseen behind masks screening poisons from their breath,
only living as servants to the badge worn on his chest.

I feel like your leaving something out here, the badge thing felt unnecessary unless im missing a plot or metaphor.

our mother drowns its deformed children in after birth,
a little boy's bubble that didn't have to burst.
leaders stay clear of the wars path and stay unhurt,
in bunkers built by our taxes on the backs of the serfs,
cursed to the darkness, skies filled with the ashes of Earth.

Absolutely love the closer; it sums up the verse and describes the aftermath in little context that makes you want more but like, makes you resrain from actually asking for it.

Work on your climax, characters and 5 senses of description.




I enjoyed both pieces and wish I could have seen more then 1 verse from both parties. my vote is going to patrown for having a completed piece with more emphasis and well thought out timeline. as in "Intro-Outro"

V/ patrown

[Adonis]

Pat - those alive wished they'd died, radiating regret, skin bubbled from cheeks, falling chunks of flesh. blackened eyes became blind to violent scenes of death, here I see the world ending and you explaining in depth just a snippet of the gore that ensues...unseen behind masks screening poisons from their breath,[ /B] But then here...here you truly brought the gore as you explained picture in a deeper concept, we don't see the pain these men have infilcted, instead we get the visor. Godamn you took a way different route than initially read. The taxes and ashes were good details but its almost as you spun in the "man's" direction although I did like the "mother (earth) drowns her young" visual. More end of days shit mixed with gov cause. All in all a solid read with decent flow.

Phone might die... editing

Kuj - cut short, final line of verse read to what should really be into...[B] Limited movement, driven forward by instinct, last of the humans, A trio of crewman,bound together in a world of debris & decay, Alone & afraid, breathing toxins from the remains paving the way I see the end of the world here, unfortunetly your opponent did the same take and I feel slightly better. That and... "paving the way" was nice metaphor, however either "mankind 'were' the masters" meant they 'were' and no longer or you meant we are I.e we're in either case the tense of the narrative flipped which is a neative.

V/pat for a more complete, conceptually sound verse with better overall execution as far as readability goes.

[e11even]

Athiest: I'm glad you showed, despite missing the minimum. That takes
some cojones imo. Thank you for participating with us.

I liked where you were going, even though I'm not really a fan of work this
literal. This display was more on an audio level than a poetic/textcee verse
level, but I still found gold in the mine:

Beneath the mask, frozen eyelids, obscureing eyes with confusion
Limited movement, driven forward by instinct, last of the humans


Pieces of bars were dope, but overall this didn't get to the good part. I would
love to see more work from you in the upcoming weeks. Thanks again for
showig in light of your circumstances.

Remnants of the great war, foretold scenes, consequences disastrous
->As the self distructive nature grew prominance, mankind were the masters<-

I think this needs to be reworded. You're presenting two contrasting
arguments in this statement. Would have been a good line otherwise.
Hopefully you'll have more time to work with later on...

---------------

Patrown: Straight off, you had an unfair advantage,
but its obviously not your bad. I think your verse was pretty
good, more metaphorically sound, and more colorful overall...


those alive wished they'd died, radiating regret,
skin bubbled from cheeks, falling chunks of flesh.

Not as abstract as I'd like, but that first line was an awesome setup. I love the multiple meanings I saw in it...

our mother drowns its deformed children in after birth,
a little boy's bubble that didn't have to burst.
leaders stay clear of the wars path and stay unhurt,
in bunkers built by our taxes on the backs of the serfs,
cursed to the darkness, skies filled with the ashes of Earth

The first two lines were powerfully worded, and the rest was solid. I enjoyed reading certain parts of this piece. Keep pushing the envelope with content and approach and I'm sure you'll produce your best works.

by our own creations that had patiently slept.
until the day came we prayed would stay away from our nests.

I needed more of this to develop. There was only a glimpse into the precursors of the conflict. This sounded like a major plot point.

OVERALL this was a cool battle. By default, Patrown had the scales tipped. IMO, Athiest, you may have been able to do more with less. You fell short in the bars you did have. I think there was more potential even in what you had written. Great job guys, in any case. My vote would have to go to @Patrown

[Zen]

Athiest- My former Exoskeleton amigo you were rushed with time and were unable to come with a complete verse and I wish you had the time to finish this because what you did have was well written my friend. Hopefully next week we'll get to see you with time in your favor.

patrown- Hello my protégé. I'm calling you that not because I trained you, but because I want to seem like I trained you because you've progressed allot since the last time I read you. Nice verse. This seemed like a story of duty (haha) over everything else. Men are forced to do what they're told regardless of whether it's right and they're now suffereing from the consequences of that. Good little story and a nice flow. Good job.

V/patrown.

[Mr. J]

I'm on my phone soooooooo my votes will be short and sweet

Atheist your verse was interesting for what it was
More of a descriptive intro more than anything
Had it been finished I would have enjoyed where you took it
on the other hand.
Patrown brought a more thorough analysis of what he wrote
which is good because he kept it lengthed out for the battle
Keeping it competitive enough to enjoy while using the best of his skill
this vote is simple...Patrown


but being that its the first week and the beginning of the league
I say take this as a by..and bring your A game next week