Week 2 - Innovator (0-1) vs. Zenland (0-1) - ZENLAND WINS 6-0

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread , preferably edit it in the check in

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss
If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension


Topic

We didn't lose, we just ran out of time. - Vince Lombardi




Good luck Innovator Zenland

[Zen]

The virgin, Mary sat on a perch with Terry, Two high school kids in love and merry
But Terry's propelled by lust, but he's wary because you see he wants to be
The first to burst her cherry but Mary believes, "It'll hurt!! He'll tear me!!"
'Oh fuck, That's just my luck,' Terry thinks.
'I forgot to shave and my nuts are hairy.'
...And so they sit...But it's all making them nervous
But still they maintain a calm face on the surface,
Until Terry thinks, 'What if it's our last day on Earth? Shit...'
His face is blushed, 'Shit I've been waiting too much."
Below his waist is rushed with blood and overcame with lust,
So with a thrust he grabbed her head and kissed her cheek,
Then laughter spread between them as they laid against the leaves
On the water tower perch of Hensley's Creek,
Up fifty feet and experiencing the day they had both wished to see,
And living in a trance, Suddenly Mary rubs Terry's dick with her hands
And instantly...He jizzed in his pants...
"Shit...This just got weird I'm going home," Mary says rubbing her sticky hands
But when she stands red and blue light appear on the road
And Terry screams, "Fuck!! I can't be here!! I'm stoned!!
.......NoOoOOoOOoOOooOooOoOoOooOOooo!!!!!......... '

The Next Day of school after the summer....

Over the summer how the word did swirl
About Terry, THE MAN, who fucked a girl,
Who's now the sophomore King who shared his nuts with the world.
"What about Mary?" Stan asked Terry.
"You guys fuck anymore?"
'Man, fuck that slut. Bitch is nothing but a whore.'

http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=21763
http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=21775
http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=21762

[Inno]

One small step….

Promises between the lines led to an ominous decline.
Solace was divine that’s where the honest went to refine,
reprise an revise remaking the device steady breaking the sky.
The clouds heavy with rust, the rains poured heavy on the dust.
The grass passed its prime, the trees pale down to the grain
never mind the leaves

Promise of the future left a wanting of now to resonate
to reverberate so a better foundation can cultivate.
But they over bait the fish and overstate their debate
over why its extinct.
A popular notion to populate with disgrace
misplaced ambitions dictates the pace
Fastlanes and airplanes, not bass lanes and grass plains
just glass stains and headaches and coffee stains.
The hypocritical think alike until they reach that brink
disturbing that perpetual bliss, refurbishing natures kiss.
Replacing the flesh to place first in the rat race's chase.
Promises of the future with billion gig computers
the limit of the skies and million men commuters.


What then when nature refuses?
Soon the water is parched and the roots start to curr
thirst through the blur of rusty rain spurts.
Each leaf still hurt.
The branches still curling against an endless fog- it’s a sport.
While they resort to the easiest course, a race with one horse
a purpose with no recourse lost of all remorse.
The heavens await no one, the volcanoes rich in purse
paving over consumption, a concept many endorse.
The leaves hurt but still endure
enduring the hurt that brings them grief.
Knowing time was lost long before it became the cost
somehow still betting against the odds.

… for hope

[Just Write]

So with a thrust he grabbed her head and kissed her cheek,
Then laughter spread between them as they laid against the leaves
On the water tower perch of Hensley's Creek,
Up fifty feet and experiencing the day they had both wished to see,
And living in a trance, Suddenly Mary rubs Terry's dick with her hands
And instantly...He jizzed in his pants...
"Shit...This just got weird I'm going home," Mary says rubbing her sticky hands
But when she stands red and blue light appear on the road
And Terry screams, "Fuck!! I can't be here!! I'm stoned!!
.......NoOoOOoOOoOOooOooOoOoOooOOooo!!!!!......... '


lol this shit had me rollin zen, the fuck writes a piece like this you weirdo haha, that being said I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, actually readit to a couple friends visiting me in the hospital.



inno, whats good fam. I liked this piece but i just feel like you were trying to over do it with the vocab and essentially lost the flow and just my all around engagement. it started to drag and get boring and Ive read a lot from you so I know you're better than that. idk man just didn't feel this one very much,

example,
Promises between the lines led to an ominous decline.
Solace was divine that’s where the honest went to refine,

I think the word went sticks out like a sore thumb and could have been changed for flow

reprise an revise remaking the device steady breaking the sky.
The clouds heavy with rust, the rains poured heavy on the dust.

or here you could have either wrote poured heavy on dust or pours heavy on dust, that "the" before dust just seems out of place imo

Promise of the future left a wanting of now to resonate
to reverberate so a better foundation can cultivate.
But they over bait the fish and overstate their debate
over why its extinct.
A popular notion to populate with disgrace
misplaced ambitions dictates the pace
Fastlanes and airplanes, not bass lanes and grass plains
just glass stains and headaches and coffee stains.
The hypocritical think alike until they reach that brink
disturbing that perpetual bliss, refurbishing natures kiss.

I liked this part though


im going to go with zen for an overall more enjoyable piece imo
cheers fellas

[Mr. J]

LOOOOOOOOL


i don't even know what to say after that first piece...
but to be fair to your opponent Zen i feel like I have to say something
Zen-I enjoyed the very thought of your piece because it has character
and not many people are willing to take it a step further & add more to it
some lack that vibe that propels their piece beyond the norm
very, very nice work my dude...kept me reading...

Innovator-Your piece had some shine to it, but I'll be honest
your opponent brought it this week and I feel you may have slighted yourself
the piece is dope, but I feel you cut it off too short & didn't put your all in
and if you did, I suggest you bring more to the table next time
the flow of your piece has this inexplicable detail that is missing
you may have suffered from it slightly...either way nice work


v/Zen

[NYCSPITZ]

I thought inno's was a dope concept that I resonated with. This section in particular was fucking ill:

The hypocritical think alike until they reach that brink
disturbing that perpetual bliss, refurbishing natures kiss.
Replacing the flesh to place first in the rat race's chase.
Promises of the future with billion gig computers
the limit of the skies and million men commuters.

^^^ nasty, a William Gibson-eque appraisal of humanity's future. the delivery here was nasty and I could see a clear picture of mega skyscrapers filled with human automatons in my mind's eye. To be honest though, I thought it was by far the best section of your piece. If you would have kept this up you would have taken this but the other parts lagged behind.

Zen was a nice little lol piece with a cool story. Inno was cool but the fragmented, sometimes incoherent nature of his verse leads me to give zen the slight edge]\

V/ Zen

[e11even]

Great battle guys. my fuckin phone failed to post so i guess i'm voting on this twice :/

Zen- your brand of storytelling is both refreshing and entertaining. The schemes were pretty neat and you captured the topic while building a scenario around it. Though the simplicity kinda urked me, the schemes and syllable matching came through and made it a seamless read. The second half seemed a lil rushed or lazily crafted, as the style was obviously different and not as well-constructed. Overall, your writing personality is the crowd controller. you managed to keep my attention and that didn't go unnoticed. Good job.

Inno- This is more my preferred type of reading, as it was descriptive and abstract. This was a solid piece due to your grasp of the main idea and your application of the topic toward your interpreted subject matter. there was a lot of potential here where your piece came through(i.e. storytelling) and places where you fell kinda flat(lack of emotional display; some syllable scheme misses; monotonous descriptive pattern in a few places). Overall, i saw your effort and i appreciated this piece for what i thought you put into it.


This was one of the battles i read like 6 times just so i could make a decision. Zen chose anecdotal procedure and it worked well with the flawless scheme execution. Great job guys and thanks for showing. MVGT Zen

[breathless]

Well, this was a rather odd pair of pieces to decide on

one with an absurd premise but basically flawless until
"Shit...This just got weird I'm going home," Mary says rubbing her sticky hands But when she stands red and blue light appear on the road And Terry screams, "Fuck!! I can't be here!! I'm stoned!! .......NoOoOOoOOoOOooOooOoOoOooOOooo!!!!!......... '

Especially since you used an apostrophe instead of a quotation mark at the end
But seriously, that reminded me of the old dre/eminem guilty conscience song's segues, but it was done poorly and after that it was like you just wrapped it up with a bunch of meh

This though
So with a thrust he grabbed her head and kissed her cheek,
Then laughter spread between them as they laid against the leaves
On the water tower perch of Hensley's Creek, Up fifty feet
and experiencing the day they had both wished to see,
And living in a trance, Suddenly Mary rubs Terry's dick with her hands
And instantly...He jizzed in his pants...

That's epic rhyming, flow, set, setting, characters, background...and then, softcore porn?...
Like, come on man, cut the dick and jizz, and hymen and hairy balls, and this was grade a+ lyricism, and then you finished it out lackadaisically, this woulda been a easy pick with good closing lines

And then innovator

This was my type of piece, but down without enough gusto
From the getgo it was a nice Fallout 3 postapocalypse feel, excellent imagery, but the flow was sorta asymmetric to the point where it was hard to keep fluid. Somewhat lacking on the extreme multies which is really what pulls a style like this together, I mean, you had some, but the expressed syllables weren't ordered right in a lot of spots

Promise of the future left a wanting of now to resonate
to reverberate so a better foundation can cultivate.
But they over bait the fish and overstate their debate over why its extinct.
A popular notion to populate with disgrace
misplaced ambitions dictates the pace

You needed some more hard Es in there to make extinct flow right, or a slight change like

Promise of the future left a wanting of now to resonate
to reverberate so a better foundation can cultivate.
But they over bait the fish and overstate their debate over why there's a higher rate of extinction
A popular notion to populate with disgrace misplaced ambitions dictates the pace of achievements

Doing that brings the flow together by using reciprocal sound rhymes (1over2state their de2bate 1over 3why there's a 3higher) strung back to the main sound rhyme, then followed with a multisyllable cadence nonrhyme "2rate of extinction" A "popular notion", see how the don't rhyme, but they flow the same, that's some Shakespeare shit son...

And then you did it again with
Fastlanes and airplanes, not bass lanes and grass plains
just glass stains and headaches and coffee stains.

I got where you where going, no coffee plants growing, caffeine headaches, stained coffee cups, actually really nice imaginative reference, but it needed something else

Anyway, I could pick this apart but its more of the same, pretty much, innovator had too many minor flaws that became major and Zen had enough perfection that his couple major flaws were minor

VOTE - Zen

[Mike Wrecka]

cool battle guys. very tough to vote on.

zenland - ok cool story. nothing mind blowing though. lacked character development, and was pretty brief. was pretty straight forward. what you did have working for you though was the comedy aspect. which I very rarely see in a league like this. it just seemed way too short. and your rhyming mechanics in the first quarter of the verse were lacking tbh. overall though the verse made me smile.

innovator - this was pretty much the best ive seen you come as far as mechanics go. problem is you didn't nail the topic imo. which is ok if you are just using it as a reference point but the verse was a little preachy and didn't necessarily go anywhere. its a shame to because I feel like you made a leap this week with your structure and vocab. your consistently improving. which is the goal

overall - its a hard battle to vote on because zen brought a somewhat sloppy and lazy verse. it was easy to write, but it captured the topic and told a humorous story. inno brought the structure and vocab and wrote a more difficult verse that seemed to sputter along at points. im going off of enjoyment.

vote - zen