Week 3 - Vividlyvague (2-0) vs. Mr. J (2-0) - VIVIDLYVAGUE WINS 6-2

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic

http://i.imgur.com/Fscc8uf.jpg


Good Luck Mr. J, Vividlyvague

[Mr. J]

I portray spirit raise lyrics in pains appearance
gain fearless features based on these played limmericks
aged ignorant yet talented as a great musician
blind to the worlds faults that sought fame persistent
a great instrument. inspiring emotions placed in dementia
forgotten ways that translate to misplaced age and wisdom
remain consistent. civilized even with this plagiarism
give away existence for a chance in this state of gifted...
ideals. I'm real if I say I am it wont change the system
but for those who choose to wait and listen
I unlock the highest achievemebt for those to blind to see it
releasing the mind of secrets take a ride with me..this ain't prosperous
the streets are poverish to our types anonymous
Treatment that's evident and shall always remain obvious
how could the rich put us in thus type of godlessness
Strained my heart the fake traded souls to please the insane populous
Now my art is deprived of the life that progressed it
take our pride and bottle it. sell it back dried of sponsorship
filling it with lies until we realize its bottomless
nothing changes except the times we sponsored it
my respones was through this divine copulate
til it broke me to the point I'm sitting beside common spit
the same spit they send to my home this open land
where all I want is change extending an open hand
Hoping chance would bless us so we could grow close at last
exposed to trash a evil that has me cloaked. broke and damp
wet behind the ears as they all try to soak and gloat and laugh
like they lived the life I had...luck put them there with no advance
just a silver spoon..when they lose it my humming shall linger
killing them softly strumming their pain with my fingers




Shit has spelling errors and is short due to computer difficulties
this will have to do

[e11even]

...there's an itch in there...

its been bitchin at him--and mentioning his wishes is when it flares.
"The Witching Mare" was his bar of choice, mostly cuz of the strippers where,
Open mic was a plus, but a digit dropped is a bitch impaired.
Pretending to be obliv to barbiturates in the sinning air
Was enough to get him off... to the stage to serenade women fair.

...he scratches...

Each string played, a lustful chord knocking on a bosom's door,
The muse's moor explored, robust in his touch, filing the room with floors...
First flamenco this versed and gorgeous, impression was enormous.
Depressions ignored. Digression's reward: "Encore the performance!!!"
But in humbly declining, he was signing a silent pact
That by the next visit the listeners would be dying to try him back...

Guitar strums, drugs, excited hums... oh, the life it was,
but all the same to not know who's life it was...
Haze came over the nights of clubs, ladies with a delightful buzz...
Til once he was seduced, and she produced a substance that frightened some...
"you wanna try this with me?" she whispered, he nodded...
in mental he jotted... plotted; the instrumental to these gentle hypnotics...

He awoke. accompanied, but alone.
They'd enjoyed that night, floating aimlessly while they boned through the jones.
... now, here she lay in suspended animation. He prods... she's still as stone.
He heard cops... but who phoned? he's solitary at home...

FUCK!! Popped a cig to attone with the ominous tension,
voluminous sirens silenced the mind and its senses...
Why me? Why now? Is there a message in THIS shit?
Still phased, reminiscing on his visit with this spiritless vixen...

Ahh, but a supple hand, indeed, is a fagile one...
Which brought him back to the previous night she had him hung...

...scratching more...

"where do you see yourself... in say, three years?"
"I can't see it... I mean- I need this, but I have this fear..."
"You can tell me." she replied... giving him pause, mid-gear.
Just then, tearful thoughts of his father's unfilled shoes reappeared...
...of a man revered, filling ears with a soulful gospel reverbing off his veneer...
Concieving a lost thought only to be remembered by the evaded trails of arrears.

...he moved away... separating his thoughts with gesture...
She maneuvered closer as he resisted, assuming a lecture.
"Let me make you feel better..." kissing a tablet filled smile, he'd submit to the pressure,
As a noir-fathered nirvana followed, increasing ecstasy's measure...
... and now this. This dilemma. Death awaits the playful lost, it seems... but whatever...

Because that hollowing void of boyhood screams haunts his lifelong dreams...
...to be a dad... an accomplished musician... an idol with fans' eyes on screens.
Instead, he's comically reduced to highs at lows in high-end scenes...
Feet not fit for shoes beyond his current reality
because one's destiny's a such thing eyes don't see...

...scab peels back...

The entrance explodes ajar
with agents of the law bracing for war.
As a single force they storm in,
flooring covered with plank from where they broke the door in.

He stands, hands up... facing away,
"Don't you move!" Surrounding him, they inspect her as she lay.
"She's gone, Sir!" he heard one say.
"You're under arrest!!"... death or captivity- which'd be brought this day?

...puss spills over...

Window directly in front of him, he dives out, Let come what may...

SWAT wagon breaking his fall, he escapes shots fired,
Running for what seemed like forever...
yet adrenaline bleeding through wounds ensures he's not tired...

...alcohol on the sore...

The Mare called and he answered... bourbon shots to kill the cancers...
The stage disturbing his complacence... flamenco prepped like his favorite dancers.
He knew his renewed intention... there was purpose in his gaze.
Where there was lust, passion in its place- his old soul's assassin hit the stage...

Each string roared, a passionate pluck- emotions filled the venue,
The muse's moor a farm, harvested, the seeds renewed ...
First flamenco this emotionally displayed with no words,
impression profound, pronounced despite the shock and the horrid gore drip.
Depressions adored. Blood dressing the floor: "Please stop the performance!!!"
But in humbly declining, he was signing a silent pact
That by the next visitor the listeners would be declaring there's not a match...

Heart poored out... emotionally and physically drained,
Law enforcement met his exit, hungrily wishing that he'd engage.
He stared, sat, clenching the very instrument of his father's fame.
And smiled through their line of questioning as it came...

"Who are you?" The only inquiry heard, and so he answered.
"I'm the son of a mariachi musician who died of cancer.
He never cared for his son or the fact he was coming after,
to continue his music so he would love him in heaven's pasture"

...healing begins...

Not sure of a next move, the fed captain was confused a bit...
"You don't look like a killer, so why'd you run when we were moving in?"
He paused, drowsy... looked up, "I was chasing dreams and a wake up was due within."

Soothed and slowly losing grip, he smiled knowing the truth had been...
to never be of his father's size, 'cause he just found the shoes that fit.

Funeral held, musician was hailed as the newest addition, truest with self,
The Witching Mare renamed "The Old Guitarist", flamenco forever stood on their shelf.

[Just Write]

remain consistent. civilized even with this plagiarism
give away existence for a chance in this state of gifted...
ideals. I'm real if I say I am it wont change the system
but for those who choose to wait and listen
I unlock the highest achievemebt for those to blind to see it
releasing the mind of secrets take a ride with me..this ain't prosperous
the streets are poverish to our types anonymous
Treatment that's evident and shall always remain obvious


Mr J.,
since the first time i've read something from you i've enjoyed your style and your take on topics. this was no different, felt the pain, felt the emotion and liked where you took this one.





Guitar strums, drugs, excited hums... oh, the life it was,
but all the same to not know who's life it was...
Haze came over the nights of clubs, ladies with a delightful buzz...
Til once he was seduced, and she produced a substance that frightened some...
"you wanna try this with me?" she whispered, he nodded...
in mental he jotted... plotted; the instrumental to these gentle hypnotics...



Not sure of a next move, the fed captain was confused a bit...
"You don't look like a killer, so why'd you run when we were moving in?"
He paused, drowsy... looked up, "I was chasing dreams and a wake up was due within."
Soothed and slowly losing grip, he smiled knowing the truth had been...
to never be of his father's size, 'cause he just found the shoes that fit.



Vivid, firstoff fuck you for making me read something that long so early in the season, thats like some frank/red glare 100 line shit tbh. anyways there were parts that i was really into and then some sections that i felt a little bored but the parts that i did like outweighed the boring parts. i really got annoyed with the little scab peels back, puss spills over little shit. i think it takes away from your flow and the piece itself.



this is a hard one for me because i enjoyed both pieces for a few different reasons. i think i was more entertained by vivid's this week though so mvgt him

[Clutter Buck]

Mr J - Loved the flow to this piece, the rhyme placement is on point so that helps the flow leaps and bounds, always seeming to throw a rhyme in where needed without convoluting the entire thing. The misspellings weren't really a big deal for me, however, I'm not a fan of rhyming the same word in multies and nearer the beginning you used "great" twice, with musician and instrument which may only seem a minor thing, but it was big enough to be noticeable to me on first read. Maybe i'm just hypercritical? Maybe. But, since the votes are cast on my opinion, there it is. Personally I don't like that, you had lines in there I liked such as:

take our pride and bottle it. sell it back dried of sponsorship

but around them, there was a lot of vague ideas or imagery (vividlyvague ones, heh?) that really didn't do you justice here. You've a lot of potential, but this came off rushed as I read it, a lot of rhymes felt forced towards the latter end of this one. This section near the end was nowhere near as clean as you've come before:

Hoping chance would bless us so we could grow close at last
exposed to trash a evil that has me cloaked. broke and damp
wet behind the ears as they all try to soak and gloat and laugh
like they lived the life I had...luck put them there with no advance


Maybe you were rushed due to 'computer difficulties'? Who knows. This wasn't your finest hour.

vividlyvague reminds me of Dic in ya eye, real similar style in approach, and first off that's a compliment. The style is really similar, to me at least, from the elipses between verses to how you pulled the story together. I think Mr. J's ended stronger, even though i'd have preferred him to do something other than quote the fugees line, but vague lived up to his name in so far as the overall plot. it didn't feel developed anywhere near enough, despite the length, there was a lot to do here regarding character development and even dialogue between characters, it all felt a bit wooden, one dimensional, not fleshed out enough - which is surprising given his line length really.

Overall I think Mr. J was rushed this week, but the better writer of these two, where as VV had the more complete piece but wasn't as good a writer mechanically to really grab me as a reader and make me care about the characters he was building up. It really is that scenario for me here, and I hate saying personal preference, there are probably a lot who'll be put off by VV's length and wont read this when they should.

I'm going to vote for VV this week but not for the reasons some might think, this is odd to me, Mr. J was the better writer of the two IMHO. The more enjoyable, with better schematics and mechanics to his verse, BUT he didn't seem to put forth the effort that VV had to his joint and in my opinion that's what this league is all about... Making yourself a better person/writer... so I'm going to go ahead and give VV the win here despite feeling that Mr. J came with it more.

take my vote for what you will.

100% real with it.

[Certain]

Mr. J: The sloppiness definitely made this verse less palatable than it otherwise would have been. On top of typos, there were rhymes that didn't hit and a lack of punctuation that sometimes convoluted meaning. Beneath the sloppiness was a rather fine character sketch replete with social criticism. The extended single rhyme stretch from "prosperous" through "common spit" was very strong for its social critique and original rhyming. You avoided being too preachy because you were going through the eyes of this character and not really talking about changing the world but instead using his experiences as a lens for what needs changing. The problem with this verse is that it didn't really move. You painted the picture of this man and broke down some of his gripes with the world well, but you failed to progress beyond that. You didn't draw out emotions or form conclusions or create a plot, so the verse felt very much like it was staying in place. Changing up the flow or organizing the verse into delineated stanzas would have allowed for more progression. Using more advanced poetic techniques at times could have heightened the emotional impact of certain sections. But this is very much your style, and I like your style. Clean it up, and it would be one of my favorites from you.

Vividlyvague: This had the feel of an indie flick about soul-searching that's a bit too dramatic and way underexplained but still kind of beautiful and thoughtful and important-feeling. It was vividly vague. It's difficult telling a story this complex in rhymed form, but you left a bunch of plot holes. We never found out why the stripper died or who called police. And the density of the wording did not help. This line really brings out what I'm talking about: "Concieving a lost thought only to be remembered by the evaded trails of arrears." It's overwrought and distracting from an already complicated plot. When you're trying to do as much as you were with your content, these types of lines can be dangerous because you might lose readers. Additionally, that line and several others were so long they really dragged down an otherwise excellent flow. There were times where your rhyming stood out, others when the diction was the highlight and others when the creativity of the content led the way. But you struggled to bring it all together consistently. That's the harsh take. But here's the thing: What you did with this topic was ambitious and left me wanting more despite the length. You went balls-to-the-wall and broke out a lot of different writing techniques. Your sloppiness (there were plenty of typos and a few questionable words) wasn't much of an issue in this battle because Mr. J had so many of the same issues. There was more good than bad here, though, and your ambition won me over.

Vote: Vividlyvague

[e11even]

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23373
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23375&page=2
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?p=179094&posted=1#post179094
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?p=179113&posted=1#post179113

[Inno]

Joker

thought this was outstanding.i gotta say hat the first half of your piece
felt a bit cluttered to me..dunno why it felt like it you where trying to find your flow
and it stumbled a bit..nothing major it just didn't read as smoothly and effortlessly like
the second half(from the now my art is deprived line). from then on this shit was flawless
man the imagery and he depth just came through and I was able to see the story you painted
for the picture...dope shit man.


VV

another dope piece with great technicality and execution..i thought you did a dope
job displaying your rhyming ability and skill for writing...def shined with the multis and
devices you used...cool metas as well...problem I have with this is is to open ended
there are to many questions left unanswered..like you packed so much into it and then forgot
a couple of details. that's prolly it man other than that this was fucking fire...


overall

I got J taking this because I thought his story was more complete..i can pick out technical bullshit on both sides but my final decision in any battle is the story line..how well did you guys tell me a story..thats why we are here right? who can post that captivating scene that
portrays that picture to the T...and I thought J did that with a more complete..more connecting story line...VV dropped some heat but I think ama got with J on this one...great battle tho.

[breathless]

Gonna keep it short and simple, which is what woulda won it for vag, but only if j still had the unpolished verse.

If Vag had cut all the filler then it would've been a clear win for him

But, even if vag cut the filler j woulda took it if he had called the geeksquad on Tuesday

Vote J

[Objective]

Mr. J: As I start reading I was wondering where you were going with the rhymescheme, but it became more apparent as I kept reading and after the first half it flowed well without having to re-read anything. It read more to me as a freeverse poem at first, but I get what you were doing and I enjoyed it. A breath of fresh air tbh. I liked the set-up. It seems to me you're writing the story from the pov of a beggar which made this line especially powerful to me: ''the streets are poverish to our types anonymous.'' as if the beggars are anonymous to the eyes of everyone else.

I don't think the disclaimer at the end was needed tho'. I liked it like this.

Vividlyvague: The first thing that strikes me is; this shit's long as hell.. then when I start reading it seems like it'll progress well and I'll enjoy the story you've cooked up got for us. Thought this was dope: ''First flamenco this versed and gorgeous, impression was enormous.
Depressions ignored. Digression's reward: "Encore the performance!!!"'' Dope ish.

However, as the story kept going I kinda felt it lost track of what it initially was with jumping out of a window and escaping the cops kinda stuff. I see what you were getting at but it didn't really do it for more.

When I got to this line: ''He stared, sat, clenching the very instrument of his father's fame.
And smiled through their line of questioning as it came...'' I kinda felt like that image was what inspired you to write the entire thing. Thought the closure of your piece was satisfying enough allthough I didn't really feel the dramatic escape you were portraying earlier. Thought it was dope.

Vote: Another battle that's really hard to vote on cuz both got something the other one lacks.. Damn. I keep reading Mr.J's verse and enjoy it to the full extent, then I start reading Vivids shit and the storyline and everything kinda amazes me allthough there's place I didn't feel 100%, but yeah, shit's still dope af.

I think my vote got to go to Vivid for an extremely entertaining and thought out journey. That isn't to say Mr.J's story piece was any less, I had to pick one of the two and I'm a sucker for stories. Really dope battle guys.

[patrown]

mr j- well, this wrapped up .. very demented. enjoyed it though. you made some good points. favorite lines..

Now my art is deprived of the life that progressed it
take our pride and bottle it. sell it back dried of sponsorship
filling it with lies until we realize its bottomless

throughout, the word usage was effective. but the brevity of each sentence hurt a little bit. i think you could have developed the ideas you had more thoroughly for a more engaging read, easily. the pains of a great musician, and disdain of the haves. very good piece, all in all.

vividlyvague - well, you definitely told a whole story. i was lost in it at times. and in the end, had quite a few questions. i think that's how you intend to be received, if your name has any meaning at all. when the cops bust in and he's facing the window he jumps out of and escapes.. that shit is just like a movie. excellent story telling.. good scene set ups. really like how you roll. it was a bit much, to have so many questions still. but i enjoyed it.

/v vividlyvague - i just enjoyed his read more. there was more to chew on.

[YDK]

Strong showing from both, Mr j your take was very creative an the beggar storyline was cool. Your wording in some places were awesome too, just a strong drop in general.
vivid you also came creative and I thought the repetition and back story was enough to edge it out. My vote goes to vivid for a more "full" story and a bit more character development. Good shit guys an sorry for the short vote