Week 3 - Objective (1-0) vs. King Ra. (1-0) - OBJECTIVE WINS 6-3

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic

http://i.imgur.com/t4ePwRj.jpg


Good Luck Objective King Ra.

[Objective]

The starry night shines bright in the town of sorrow,
where everyone sleeping knows their time is borrowed.

Once upon a time a lone assassin was born and raised
in a town outside of the norm where violence is based.
Morbid incidents graced its citizens in the face of ignorance,
Our hero's a fast paced throat cutter so it made no difference
whether he had to slash souls to smitherens,
or follow friends through the path of bitter ends.
His mother made sure he could defend himself,
and his father prepared him for a life in hell.
Everybody could tell the kid was ready to live it
as they sensed the cursed city embracing his spirit.

It's silence before the storm and civilians gather
in the church to discuss if the kid should dissolve into matter.
He could very well show his true self and obliterate all,
even bible studies and prophecies says existence will fall.
So should they end his life incase Lucifer claims him,
Or should they help him fight evil alltho' the probability's damn slim..?
They decided the best option was to silently take his life,
A.M; quarter to five, they creeped to his crib with a super sharp knife.
His parents had been taken hostage and screamed in vain,
you could see the sorrow in her face as she felt the kids pain.
But as he started to bleed it's as if reality turned mental instead,
cuz the five year old stood up from his bed with his neck bleeding red.
Wanting revenge he charged the attacker and bit through his throat,
then doged an attempt with a knife by hiding back in the dead mans coat.
He ran out from the place and out in the wild,
and after that night he was named the demon child.

The myth about the kid comes live every year,
and the town he's from is constantly living in fear.
If you witness his face you know your moment is over,
just watch out for your life in the month of october...

[King Ra.]

Presenting,

"Illustrious Illusions of an Elevated Mind: The Van Gough Complex."


The stars shine brightly.
The sky, so clear, so peaceful.
A glorious night.


Cosmic fusion. Descriptions of the universes inner movements.
So artistic, this union. To disconnect? It is useless.
It's enlightenment for us humans, but for the closed mind: darkness, confusion.
In silence the chains loosen, from that which pervades, abusive.
So may the harpist play, when cued in.
A solemn hymn for those who strayed from the music.
For the sullen praise of a fool's whim, could cause sudden waves of....
-low frequencies amplified.
So may we all bless the skies, for summoning precious nights,
which all can commune then rest beside,
next to wives under a new moon.
It'll be full soon-
til that day arrives, I'd just wish to sit here mesmerized.
Who'd ever thought one could visualize the genius strokes, only for it to come alive!
I felt the sudden rise as soon as I shut my eyes- though I do not sleep.
Van Gough's complex in full effect, my surroundings come to life each time that I speak.
It's becoming conscious within the time,
accomplished when breached.
It's turning the volume a little high so the vibrations could peak.
It's elevation at it's prime, when the mind and body align.
Painting beautiful illusions of Van Gough's work in its height-



.... when constructing the theme of a "Starry Night".

[Just Write]

so i hate you both for getting this picture, yea. i do.

Once upon a time a lone assassin was born and raised
in a town outside of the norm where violence is based.
Morbid incidents graced its citizens in the face of ignorance,
Our hero's a fast paced throat cutter so it made no difference


Objective, i though you started this piece off very strong and then i got to the probabilities damn slim and the super sharp knife lines and i just felt those two lines stuck out. the vocab and cadence compared to the rest of the piece just made those seem awkward to me.


King Ra,

Cosmic fusion. Descriptions of the universes inner movements.
So artistic, this union. To disconnect? It is useless.
It's enlightenment for us humans, but for the closed mind: darkness, confusion.
^^that was dope. really liked this

til that day arrives, I'd just wish to sit here mesmerized.
Who'd ever thought one could visualize the genius strokes, only for it to come alive!
I felt the sudden rise as soon as I shut my eyes- though I do not sleep.
Van Gough's complex in full effect, my surroundings come to life each time that I speak.


this might be my favorite verse of the week. i think you played to the picture very well and the flow was perfect. small piece but it packed a punch.



both guy brought it but i think king ra edged this one out for me

[Clutter Buck]

LOL @ Objective's opener, read like the Fresh Prince theme tune to me as I started it which made me laugh, as it progressed though this got a lot better and reminded me a little of Pent's piece from last season about the assassin. 'super sharp knife' sounded really pout of keeping with the rest of the joint though, just the tone and the sudden switch to something so informal seemed off to me? I dunno, not your greatest hour, I've read better from you, keeping it so short hurt you here too maybe I felt... you could have lengthened it out to develop the character more, gave some idea of how he looked/felt/his emotions, it was all rather vague - but then again I suppose a man of mystery would be? lol. so I shouldn't be too critical here.

King Ra - I haven't seen this name in forever, no doubt you're a good writer, seemed like you're on some Chyeahhhh or Neter steez which is no bad thing, really direct writing style to you which is hard to pull off - but I think you make it work. it sometimes reads a little disjointed to me because of the pauses, the periods, the commas etc and that does affect the flow to the piece, but if I had to have you sacrifice one of the flow or content - I guess the flow would be it, so I cant hold that against you too much. the downside to your style is that its very abstract sounding, and can come off a little pretentious, almost like you're trying too hard and that connect to the reader gets lost amongst everything that's going on - there was a lot you were trying to here in so few lines, I don't think you had the clarity you wanted to really drive home what you wanted in relation to van gogh and the painting, the premise is there - but the execution wasn't complete imho. really tough battle, another where I felt the better writer was infact the one who lost, mainly because the other seemingly put in more effort, was more motivated, and applied themselves more here. take it for what you will, but personally I felt that Objective got this even though King Ra in my mind was the better writer of the two.

[Certain]

Objective: I really liked that you used the painting both literally in a bit of imagery and figurative as a spector hanging over the town. I thought it was strange to make this kid a 5-year-old so late in the verse. Before that, we had the impression that he might be young, though even that was somewhat unclear. Had you made it a 10- or 13-year-old and provided context clues that he was still so young earlier in the verse, I think it would have worked better. A 5-year-old assassin just seems really out there, but then again this child supposedly was possessed by the devil or something. Believability isn't really important in a story like this, though. The way you told the story was so perfect, making it feel like a oft-whispered wives' tale, the type of thing people discuss around a campfire in the fall nights. The ending really hit this note strongest. Your mechanics are not polished yet, though. That's probably the biggest failing about your writing in general. Better complexity in the rhyme scheme can cut into word choice, but that's a sacrifice most of us are dealing with, you know? If you choose this format, you have to respect its demands. It's not that you're completely ignoring rhyming or anything, but your rhymes are very simple and often based on one syllable rhymed once, at the end of lines of a couplet. I'll take this style over the heavily rhymed nonsense many writers try to pass off as abstract writing, though, especially because you know how to tell a good story.

King Ra.: I really like your writing style. It's flexible without ignoring mechanics or voice. You bounce around on rhyme schemes and sentence structure. This verse was written very well to the painting, creating the same sort of tone as "The Starry Night" so famously features. The problem was it didn't go any further. There was no cohesive purpose to this, aside from the beauty of the painting becoming the writer. There wasn't much creativity at all here. Basically, you strung together beautiful words that didn't really mean much. I don't have anything against topicals and write them myself often. But they should have a salient point, where as this was art for art's sake. That is how some people appreciate art, and I think for those people this probably will feel very real to them, very much like perhaps the greatest painting ever, which you were writing on. But I think "The Starry Night" is so wonderful because it tells stories, many stories. It's about so many things, different things to different people. You chose a thin approach to your topic, and while you wrote it well, you didn't do enough in that writing. It's almost the opposite scenario for you from last week, when you won because of your aggressive and creative take on the topic. You may still win this week, and I wouldn't begrudge anyone for voting for you. But I think you're better than this verse showed.

Vote: Objective

[NYCSPITZ]

Hard to choose. Two of my boiz. Two cool verses. King started hot and cooled down, Objective imo gained steam as he rolled on. My favorite section from both verses was Ra's section at the beginning right before the bolded line, but I felt he ended in an anticlimactic way. Come on dawg, you can't write ill shit at the beginning and not end with the same oomph! Objective - cool lil story g, the way u ended was sick. I'm giving O the slight edge here in a see saw bonanza

V/ objective

[Adonis]

Obione - "super sharp' knife" I know there is a language barrier, but there are so many descriptive words you can replace that quoted line with. What I do sometimes while using words like super sharp,, is bold them, and after completing the verse I either think of something to swap it with or simply use a thesaurus because the english language is just that beautiful...anyways. same concept with using "sorrow" twice in the same verse, just try annd diversify my mate. So, the flow was ok, there were parts I liked and parts I did not such as the "smitherenes/bitters ends" even if bitter end rhymed with difference, you broke from the norm just that once, leading me to believe this was a quick verse while you wrote it. The story was cool, you went semi gruesom, balancing the fine line of sidistic, but never wentt full fledge which I would've enjoyed quite a bit. Not sure what the october thing was, didn't get that reference. All in all I liked your verse, I still feel like it was a quick write but you had a decent concept even if the execution wasn't all that, you still did things well enough for me not to completly dislike this read.

Ra - hmmm, I'm torn with this verse bruhv. On one hand I love how you explained the painting literally as a night, star gazing at the univers' stellar beauty. On the other hand, I felt a bit cheated. In the begining you mentioned "us humans" or something alike, which lead me to belive the concept was going to be you literally talking of the beauty human kind seem to take for granite and overlook. That woul have been dope in my eyes, instead you explained the art for its beauty. Either way, this was a well written verse with few flaws and a near serene read. Yet when I finished I felt you wrote this quick and went for win off sheer talent rather than writting and taking your time on a masterpiece.

In all honesty this is a close bout to me because OB had flaws, but I felt wrote a decent story where king had few flaws, but I felt conceptually fell a bit short. In the end, I judged these on preferance rather then skill of certain criteria. On 2nd and 3rd reads I was still picking up subtle slips from my dude objective, while king on the other hand wrote vague enough to give me something new with each read that I previously missed out on

So

V/ the artist formally known as KK da king, lmao wtf??

[e11even]

Objective- I liked your piece because you decided to create a world around your image. A little less descriptive than I'd have liked, especially since I didn't immediately connect to where the hero was in the second verse. That was actually a big disconnect because the way it read to me was there were townspeople, a hero assassin, and the demon child. No real correlation how I read it. But aside from that, it was pretty clear and mostly direct, very necessary in storytelling usually.

I think the biggest downfall for me was the overly simple rhyme patterns. Experiment outside your comfort zone of rhyming syllables. It will pay off long term. I appreciate your drop and I look forward to reading as you develop your style into something greater.


King Ra- I liked your technical angle and your more abstract content, though I felt empty handed afterwards. Solid rhyming mechanics and interesting illustration, but at the same time not really giving your own life to the topic. I wasn't sure what I should have felt from reading tbh.

I feel like you didn't really know where to go with this and decide to describe the very topic in an abstract manner without having to venture too far out. This felt kind of safe. Overall I thought this came through on your lyrical capability, but if you combined this with last week's work, this would have blown me away.


At the end of the day a judgement has to be made, and this will be hard for me to live with either way. Thanks guys for showing up and showing out, and I appreciate the work you two put in. I think MVGT Objective on this just because it felt like he put more effort and thought into his content even though it it wasn't as cohesive as I'd have wanted. Hope to see more from you guys soon.

[Inno]

objective.

Dracula? is this about Dracula? lol seemed like to me towards te end
when he BIT through the mans throat..aslo after the fact his own throat
was slashed? pretty detailed and dope imagery there my friend..regardless
if im wrong or not that was some strong writing though. thought you approached
the mood the picture instead of the actuall picture...dope shit.


king

i thought this verse of the week tbh..i dunno man the descriptive nature of your words
the poetic almost purely artist style your brought really stuck with me on this one..man
you did an excellent job with your picture...you brought it to life with your word and
i thought that was just dope lol. those last three lines where fucking killers man..really
liked this piece a lot.

overall.

i thought objective wrote a dope story..great pregession and all that jazz..mechanically it was
sounds as well..but i thought i king did very well with the picture..not only did he use it but
his writing seemed to transcend past the picture..i especially liked the moon lines..dunno thought it was clever of him to add it will soon be full..thought that was fucking ill..and overall i enjoyed KINGS verse more...good battle my niggas.

king.

[Objective]

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23374
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23375
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23372

[patrown]

objective - your intro was very good, eased into it well. once upon a times often come out cheesy, not here in the slightest bit. you spent a while building up to the moment, maybe too long, maybe just enough.. depends on the readers mood i'm sure. but personally i think i needed that time to prepare for a "demon child." ominous tone.. overall, i think your piece came out very good. no complaints, except for.. i felt a fast paced throat cutter, who slashed souls to smitherens, might have grown a tad bit older. but thats my only bit of criticism.

king ra- your flow was extraordinary. not sure how you made those long syllable counts work with so short ones, so well. but you pulled it off effortlessly. it took a couple read throughs until i got your timing and understood the flow, and once i did .. well, i'm impressed. this strikes me as something that would sound good on a beat. i think.. saying van gough twice wasn't really needed. at times, it felt like you were illustrating the painting with your words, at others.. it was as if you were discussing it from an outside perspective. so i really never got too into it. but you did flawlessly go between the two perspectives. so that's something.

/v - objective took it this week with a more solid read. i possibly enjoyed ras a little more, but i had more questions then i got answers. had king ra stuck to one perspective, or simply developed both sides a little more.. i would have definitely given him the /v this week.

[Frank]

objective, clumsy writing - some garble jibber jabber here and there. but you have a good sense of structure. you write like you could do well with a vaster page. this format may be be restricting you from writing a real story. short story writing is different than writing a book; which I think you said you were working on last year? in this format, you are better off either asking for a 64 line extension to, really flesh out your story or write at a more refined pace. You have a good idea of structure, Make that your focal strength and your style will go further.

king ra, good theatrics. always enjoy your build up to the actual rhyme. here you started with an aggressive pharoah like flow but ''loosened the chain'' and as soon as you said that your flow became much more peasant like and poetic. i thought the star gazer charm of it all was alluring writing. the voice was earthly, free spirited. translucent writing.

vote,...................
this is a hard decision. i can see both outlooks and viewpoints, one, a story about a fucked up family in a eerie town. the other, a story about a local villager outside that fucked up families house, telling it like it is

MVGT king ra