Week 3 - Just Write (1-0) vs. Mike Wrecka (1-1) - JUST WRITE WINS 6-0

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic

http://i.imgur.com/htsVpX5.jpg


Good Luck Mike Wrecka Just Write

[Just Write]

Pages taken from the diary of Delilah Sheparfield,





Every third thursday my family would head down to the riverbed
My sister shirley would joke as we sat down to our dinner sets,
The pound cake was astounding, with subtle hints of cinnamon,
Father & Mother would hover above us...
I loved to watch him take puffs from his cigarette.
We'd gather around, watching sailboats glide, like they were high in clouds
And listen to the piper playing loud enough to silence the crowds
But those are memories now, and it feels like its been an eternity
I've learned to look past all the hurt in me & how to grow through maturity
I've held onto these emotions and now only hope to look past em
It's how i cope with the madness that I know is concerning me.
These growing insecurites came from years of being alone
I can still remember the fear, family & peers retreating in droves
I remember the soldiers grabbing me, my mother screaming leave her alone
That's when my perfect little world became my nightmare at home


I remember the flashes, the troops storming our soil, setting up camps
the sound of the mortars, the turmoil, and my unsteady hands
Every morning officers came & would kick in our doors abrubtly
They would threaten to fuck me, kill me,... sometimes even worse
Here i'd like to mention depression's a killer & there's no cure for it's curse
I became a prisoner of war abducted and stuck in my own country
prayers were sung into the heavens above me, as I cried out
Seven years releasing these tears until my eyes had dried out..
nothin to lie about, for days I laid there contemplating suicide
Battled with myself, "who has the stronger will.. you or I?"
They were all just stupid lies, designed to comfort my soul
Which triggered my hunger to survive and grow old...
In the end of it all, I could hear rejoicing through the prison windows
As the crowds reluctant cheers appeared to suddely crescendo.
Was it a win though? This time would my mind be set to ease?
Would the pain and the agony hidden inside finally cease?...
I was released Wednesday, the night before thanksgiving came
I stood that night on a once familiar river bank,...
taking a moment of silence for all the victims slain


R.I.P.

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23377
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23375
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23379
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23376
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23372
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23380
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23373

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/htsVpX5.jpg



here I rest firmly planted, laying on the ground,
reaching up towards the sky just waiting to be found,
in harmony with nature, without making a sound,
staying lost in these thoughts that are breaking me down,
contemplate and decide, that I am not unique,
if I died no one would cry, feeling obsolete,
just need to be heard, its almost like I got to speak,
want to scream at the nearest person and stomp my feet,
but im weak, frail physique, made me a place holder,
my whole life I have been repeatedly walked all over,
gazing at my reflection, this is what I realize,
anytime I raise up, I get cut down to size,
so I reside alone, underneath a tree in the park,
at night I stay hidden, it gets reasonably dark,
and im hard to spot in the day, I blend in quite well,
among all the other park goers, wearing pastel,
if tomorrow I was uprooted, what would some say,
about the one that just sat there, soaking up the suns rays,
it might seem like, I don't have a care in the world,
but honestly im jealous of all the chipmunks and squirrels,
my mission is to get out of the position im in,
been stuck here for so long, I don't know where to begin,
and all hope is really starting to fade fast,
how long is the life span of a blade of grass?,
yes im just a blade of grass, searching for freedom at last,
but its a never ending cycle as the seasons pass,
I just want to be heard, its like I got to speak, please listen,
my entire existence has been spent in this park, imprisoned,
I wish I was a pigeon, so I could fly away,
but this is where I was planted, and this is where I must stay

[Adonis]

Jdub - butter reading as always, my eyes slid through this read with out having to pause or correct a word for flows sake, which is not only rare, very rare, but a very difficult feat to accomplish. Looking at the painting, I have no clue how came to war, but the first stanza was serene up until the girls pain. I liked the ending, but in the most rare cases, you left me wanting more. I wish there were a short middle stanza going into depth either the pain and agony, or at then end, going into depth of the happiness or joy felt by being free. Either way, wanting more is good, because if I don't like a verse I can't wait to finish, in your case I didn't want it to end. Dope read though through and through. Solid imagery and emotion my man. Oh, also I enjoyed the loose rhyme very much. Some bars didn't have the traditional end rhymes, but had the inners to make me forget it and not care. Then the sprinkled Multies added nice depth as well.


MW - Another "easy on the eyes" to read verse, both you of per usual. when I first read, I would pause every bar or so and go look at the pic and see exactly what you were refrencing, I first thought a girl pointing up, nope. Then a daisy by a tree, nope. I thought you gave away the writers voice to easy, I like a little mystery brother, I honestly think you did your self a dis-favor by doing so, and I'll probably be the only one. Nice read though, just not so memorable. I think some rhymes came off simplistic, but you used more inners and multies near the end which still read smooth, I wish you did that through out.

v/ Just Write

To me, just write had the better flow, or at least the higher degree of difficulty because you both had smooth reads. Jdub also had more emotion as well as painted the picture better even if he went off and did his own thing quickly, which I don't mind, because he stayed on topic, just took the scenic route.

[Zen]

Dope fellas.

JW- This is dope as fuck. Your strongest point as a writer is your ability to capture emotion, and so far I've never found a piece of yours that was not packed with emotion. Great job. I agree with Adonis that I did want you to go more in depth in some parts, but you told the story and you told it well so really that is my only complaint. Nice job man.

MW- Nice showing. First off let me start with the negative of this verse. I felt that in most of this battle the rhyming was kinda simplistic. It just seems like you were under a bit of a time constraint and couldn't delve into any further like you'd want to which I understand. The strong point of this is as it always is when it comes to you, and that is the flow. The flow was excellent. Very nice.

I gotta edge this one to Just Write. Nice battle guys.

[Certain]

Just Write: You nailed this. The first stanza was really, really great. The bits about watching your father smoke and poundcake tasting like cinnamon and the metaphor of the sailboats flying added a degree of vivid specificity that earned my emotional attachment very quickly. Then you delved into the story and created the conflict necessary to keep this verse interesting. I would have liked more specific details throughout the second stanza like those I mentioned earlier, but the emotions were written well, and the imagery was clear if not as finely detailed. What really landed this verse was the consistency in mechanics. You never allowed yourself to slack off on rhymes in favor of content, but you also never noticeably forced a rhyme. I thought it was wise to leave the country and the war unnamed. You avoided bogging down anything with a history lesson and avoided the semantical issue of inaccuracies that often plagues writers in these leagues when they attempt to tackle historical events. You made it feel personal and real. That's important.

Mike Wrecka: You did what you did well. But I was a bit underwhelmed. You had this scene with dozens of people to choose from, and you went with the grass. The idea of writing from the perspective of a blade of grass sounds more interesting than it really could be in practice. Certainly, this was a very original take on the topic. I think the verse would have been helped a bit by giving the grass something to do, like winter or pesticides or getting paved over or even having a dog poop on it or dig it up. There were a lot of good quotes, and I liked the double misdirection, as you first had me thinking you were writing about the guy in the tank top in the front of the frame, then about a small tree before I finally put together that you were writing about grass. But when I realized that, I didn't have that "Oh, snap" moment that the best of these types of verses elicit. Again, you wrote it well. And the take on the topic was creative. But it wasn't ambitious or particularly interesting.

Vote: Just Write

[Inno]

JW

I liked how you took this serene picture and wrote something that isn't
necessarly represented in the pic..but is certainly a possibility and a clever
one at that...thought the contrast to the picture was just well done.. good shit
man though I would of liked to see more about the pic..i get it though..you wrote
something beyond the pic..its almost like war is right around the corner..and the pic
is the calm before the storm...thought that was a cool feeling you portrayed with your
piece...and the end seemed fitting..that scene you painted before the war..and then after
when hes thinking of those who lost there lives...great imagery man..


MW

like Adonis...I too kept going back to the picture and trying to pinpoint what you where
writing about lol...for a while I thought it was the one guy dead center of the picture...the one
sitting undder the tree...but ofcourse it wasn't..i liked your idea I thought it developed well
and tbh if this had more of a developed underlining theme I think this would of been some ill shit hands down...I dunno man I hate doing this it but it felt like the ending or revealing of the character was bleh....didn't seem to fit with the description you scattered through out your verse...almost felt like it was a last minute thing..dunno that's just me man..i could be
completely wrong.


overall

I dunno who to vote for really..i thought JW did an excellent job with the style he brought...though at times it felt a bit boring..while Mike dropped some heat aswell but
felt like that ending wasn't good enough...you grass nigga? lol...overall both did a dope
job mechanically..both equaled each other in most aspects ..but in the end I think ama
go with JW..i thought his coming back to the beginning of the story(standing there taking a moment for those who died) it was almost like he was back there before all that happened..because of that...ama give JW the vote...another dope as battle.

[breathless]

I'm not going to give a major breakdown, everything's been said by the others...

j demolished this lyrically to the point of absurdityalthough I noticed a couple odd spots...
high in clouds / silence the crowds
Why not high in the cloud's?

I've learned to look past all the hurt in me & how to grow through maturity
Why not
I've learned to look past all the hurt and see how to grow through maturity?


Mike was decent but there was many points where the simple use of a multi would've made a much better read

Vote j

[Objective]

Just Write: Thoroughly enjoyed the story. Thought it was cool overall alltho' I think a more creative way of explaining what's going on would truly put it up a notch. However, as it stands now it's easy to understand what's going on without excess info so I'm not sure what I think about its rather simple nature tbh. Either way: I enjoyed the read, it was a interesting story. Keep it up.

Mike Wrecka: Loved that you took the perspective of a single blade of grass. Kinda reminds me about NYC's piece last week where he took the perspective of a tree. I love shit like this. Nice addition to talk about the jealousy of the animals around. Could have focused abit more on the rhymescheme and a better story, but overall a creative and decent piece.

Vote: This kinda turned into a concept vs. storyline vote. What do I enjoy the most? And how well was it executed? I think that if Wrecka had put a little bit more work into his piece he could have taken the votes, alltho' the idea is creative the execution of it wasn't really up to Wreckas usual steez when I see him go in. Just Write on the other hand had a thought out storyline that progressed well from start to finish.

MVGT: Just Write for a better verse overall.