Week 3 - NYCSPITZ (1-1) vs. Zenland (1-1) - NYCSPITZ WINS 5-4

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic

http://i.imgur.com/sqnSCCL.jpg


Good Luck NYCSPITZ Zenland

[Zen]

The Internal Dialogue of Obnoxious Dave
&
The Dance with Death

Aristocratics past giftin disasters in a blitzin fashion,
They got me in fits of madness, I wanna hit em and stab em
Then get and scatter!!
There they are, behind my back with diamonds set
In their necklaces was meshed with a hat and canes,
How are those bastards sane and I'm actin strange!?
Just cause they're decked out in nice clothes (I'd buy those)
And aftershave to lubricate when they masturbate,
I'm sure they do that although it's a rude and crude act
But that doesn't matter, Hey! You wanna blow those bastards away!?
Or walk up with a golf club and shatter his brains?
Come on!! Come out of your cavern Dave and plaster their face
On the sidewalk while we eat their eyeballs
And Laugh in their face!! Wouldn't that be great!?
Don't you think it's time to rattle the cage to your mind a rest
Cause we've battled for days in mental limbo with each sigh of breath,
Well thats about to change! Now we'll live by the pistol and side with Death!!
You've got the lust, Now take the final step before you rip and bust
Like a violent belch, Or....That might be something else...
Irregardless, Put your left, Then right, Yes that's nice,
These fellas have a dance with Death tonight.
There put the knife in your hands, Go on, Get it, It's right in your pants'
Pocket, Relax, Don't fight you can't stop it cause it's time to dance,

You can't stop it.

Henry, I dare say those gentleman are wearing the finest of silk.
What? You're out of your mind if you're still trying to kill.
...Nonsense you bastard there is no such thing as mind over will,
And yes there jewelery is nice. It's lined with a kind of gold and sil-
Huh!? No they don't use aftershave for lubrication,
And disregard their clothing, I think we simply are rather, how do you say?
...Illuminations of creations set in the perfect placement
For murderous Satanists. Soon you'll learn to face this.
...No Henry!! You're only a figment of my imagination!!
HahAhhAha!!! You're wrong I do exist faggot.
I'm the itch you're scratching, Your niche, Your passions...
And I'm the man who held your bitch on the matress
And ripped and shattered her face to liquid matter..
...Helen No!!...You really did this you bastard...
....There put the knife in your hands, Go on, Get it, It's right in your pants'
Pocket, Relax, Don't fight you can't stop it cause it's time to dance,
You can't stop it.

[NYCSPITZ]

Flue to the sea; boardwalk over a beautiful beach
Pastel sky. Placid over the numinous reef
a godless breeze roars, these voluminous trees...
acknowledge sunset -
The cove's last luminous heat.
Let it ripple, illumining the one unscrupulous deed
think about it on playback until your humanness bleeds
Every morning, day and night - peruse it in threes
as you walk slow to pay your karmic dues and receive...
the spectral force haunting you in all your mutinous screams
lose the line between reality, being lucid in dreams.
mad scientist mashed with toon juvenile teens.
Nasty Nicene ninja, extol immutable themes
gassy...and more ephemeral than Jupiter's sheen -
just contemplate worldly ignorance of the doofus regime.
opiate concocted death - a suitable tea
residue lines on CDs...snort a few to relieve.
Life's a chessmatch.
You're master and noob - excuse the belief...
Generous paladin hordes, inscrutable grief
the usual greed - loving heart of the ruling elite.
I'll get the whole picture right after dividing two into three
So even though you know balance and discipline, the rules of the peak...
You tomahawk your own dead soul - a tool to the chief.





.

[Mr. J]

Zen, You had a dope idea I thought, the flow was decent
but then it felt like you kind of slipped up after awhile
it's excusable, the piece itself was pretty dope though..
it reminded me of Gimme The Loot in a odd sort of way
dope track, dope transition from the thought to the man as well
I think it went along with the picture you two were given

NYC, You took a more abstract approach, which is dope
there's so much to what you wrote that it seems crazy
you kept the flow of your piece smooth from beginning to end
I dislike quoting when it comes to battles of the deeper variety..
but this little section

lose the line between reality, being lucid in dreams.
mad scientist mashed with toon juvenile teens.
Nasty Nicene ninja, extol immutable themes
gassy...and more ephemeral than Jupiter's sheen -
^^^dope

that just came together so nicely...


i enjoyed both pieces because...well like the other battle I read
both competitors brought a different aspect to their pieces
basically making this quite an enjoyable read for me...
both of y'all had an interesting take on the pic, this would have been a fun write for me
down to my vote it's really a tough decision..both are great pieces in there own right
but there could only be one coming out of this with the W...
I am gonna have to go with NYC...he showcased a lot in what little he wrote
not many can do that...great battle fellas...

v/NYC

[Just Write]

lol, zen you're fuckin weird. love you for that though, really enjoyed this piece however i will not read another piece of yours if you do that gay ass format thing again. for real, hella gay.

But that doesn't matter, Hey! You wanna blow those bastards away!?
Or walk up with a golf club and shatter his brains?
Come on!! Come out of your cavern Dave and plaster their face
On the sidewalk while we eat their eyeballs
And Laugh in their face!! Wouldn't that be great!?
Don't you think it's time to rattle the cage to your mind a rest
Cause we've battled for days in mental limbo with each sigh of breath,
Well thats about to change! Now we'll live by the pistol and side with Death!!

really dug this section right here, your take on the pic was different but thats what makes for good writing. nice crispy flow too, only thing i didnt like is you kinda just went out there and it seemed like you were just rhyming to rhyme in a few spots.


NYC

Flue to the sea; boardwalk over a beautiful beach
Pastel sky. Placid over the numinous reef
a godless breeze roars, these voluminous trees...
acknowledge sunset -
The cove's last luminous heat.
Let it ripple, illumining the one unscrupulous deed

this was just a crispy butter opening and very poetic which I love and just can't seem to do so cheers. even though your piece was a lot shorter each one of your lines packed so much behind them.

opiate concocted death - a suitable tea... tried this. have you ever heard of hells bells?


this was hard because it's two very different styles which are both enjoyable but i'm just going to go with the one i liked a little more this week and that's= NYC

[Scripter]

I think both writers had a interesting take on the painting. This was hard to judge because NYC was on point but just gave less effort bar wise. I think Zenland put a lot of thought in this with the structure of his writing vs the structure of the person in the painting. I also believe the way the poem seemed to end until you scrolled down was quite clever.


V- Zenland

[patrown]

Zenland - clear errors.......

In their necklaces was meshed with a hat and canes,

so far, I think your worried fella might have sharted himself. (a shitty fart)
as far as content goes, this could clearly be the case..
(you can't stop it)
HahAhhAha!!! You're wrong I do exist faggot.
I'm the itch you're scratching, Your niche, Your passions...

Like a violent belch, Or....That might be something else...

anyway,really, i took this as a two sided argument, from one point of view. split personalities. that take would go well with the picture, because of the darker colors framing the characters head and the two people. i very much enjoyed the end assonance here.. just sounded catchy.

Don't you think it's time to rattle the cage to your mind a rest
Cause we've battled for days in mental limbo with each sigh of breath,
Well thats about to change! Now we'll live by the pistol and side with Death!!

? a split personality shitting himself. i truly think your talent as a writer IS shown here.but it needs some work. you're too all over the place to say anything but: keep doing what you're doing but spend more time doing it. please.

-points for coherence, +points for creativity

NYC SPITZ- You carried assonance through an entire piece, except for two lines. ookay? overly ambitious with the rhymes. imo, you knew you'd take it by adhering to any single theme. which you did. yet, it's very ambiguous. . but not overly so. the same theme is present throughout. a somewhat accepting, observational tone that bounces around here and there but makes some good statements in the process.
especially enjoyed this line. very much.

lose the line between reality, being lucid in dreams.

from what i understand, you weren't as pointed as you were adherent to a basic scheme of macro to micro. but you worded it extremely clever.ly.

/nyc spitz for more coherence. although i couldn't detect a storyline, character, or ... true point.. i voted for a more solid, detectable theme. which also happened to be the read i enjoyed more b/c of fluidity.

good match.

[NYCSPITZ]

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23376

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23377

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23373

[Zen]

http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23374
http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23377
http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23379
http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23376
http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23380

[Inno]

Zen.

godam your stlye is your own lol... idont see anyone writing like you do
you bring such weird angles and perspectives to every topic each week.
really showcases your versatility and writing skill...on to the this piece tho
ok so..i like the style you brought..i even like the structure you brought..obv
it plays to your writing and was a smart move to use on your part...really set
that mood you was going for..or atleast the mood im looking at lol...good rhyming
great progression from line to line...I mean this was dam near flawless...but how
does it relate to the picture?

NYC

a more poetic..layed back not so scatteterd brain type of piece...almost straight forward
with that poetic style..very cool imagery aswell..your words through out this entire piece
where vivid and really played to the imagery of the picture...you told a story with the details
of the picture..its almostl ike you took the colors and wrote to that..the lines drawn.the shading..everything about the pic was used...great stuff man...though a little more detail
or I guess more content would of been lovely..


overall..

this was a tough one...Zen came with originality and creativity while NYC came with a poetic abstract yet literall story...dam. I guess I should start off with some flaws like zen you had a lot of typos(I know coming from me its hilarious) that I usually don't notice..but I noticed them so I had to point them out..in some cases it hurt your story..in other not so much...NYC you could put a bit more effort into this..its almost like you half assed it to not no show..which is cool..all it shows is what you are capable of..at that's what want to see...so this came down to preference and who played off the picture more..and its obvious NYC did...I mean in his first 2 lines he refers to the picture..while zen..I gotta be honest man I don't see the picture anywhere in this piece..standing alone this was some fucknig creative and very original writing...but in this battle I thought NYC did an great job with the topic..

fucking A that's 4 dope ass battles.

[Objective]

Zenland: I enjoy the natural progression of your piece. The details are really great and you've established a pretty nice atmosphere for your verse. However, I'm not sure what I think about ''plaster their face'' & ''laugh in their face'', I think it seems rather sloppy in terms of rhymes..

As I start the second paragraph the plot thickens and we're dealing with a man with a pretty heavy personality disorder. Perhaps some sort of schizophrenia? Either way, the end wrapped it up well and I enjoyed the piece as a whole with a really nice correlation to the topic given. Well done.

NYC: Dope rhymescheme and the flow is on point. I take it that you used the screaming character in the topic as a base for your verse, that's dope. And you explain the psychosis it has pretty well and its emotions around whatever it's dealing with. Interesting concepts here and there; ''Life's a chessmatch'' for example. The closure is thought provoking as well. Very well done.

Vote: I felt both pieces were great in different aspects. The painting you were given is world famous and norwegian as well so I know quite abit about it and the mystery that surrounds the people in the background. Everyone says something different when they're asked what they think the people in the background is doing there. This ofc. peaked my interest when reading Zenlands verse and I thought he did a really great job with it. NYC wrote a pretty fucking dope piece as well which was solid from beginning to end.

MVGT: Zenland for a thought out storyline and dope execution. Both did a really good job tho', hard to pick one over the other in this one, lol. Well done.

[e11even]

it got erased AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! WTFMFSACMF!!!!! okay.

I don't have time to do a drawn out vote again...I have a lot of shit to do :(

Zen- A Bizarre, interesting, and fresh take on this topic. A lot of personality and effort in storytelling here. I was thoroughly entertained and the closer was pretty dope.


NYC- Very well written, deep lines and compact solid verse. I thought this came through well, despite the length.


Overall, this comes down to personality and the writer's ability to capture emotion, while building something relatable imo. Great battle, guys. Awesome effort in both of your lanes, respectively as well. MVGT Zen. Next time i'll copy before i submit so my vote doesn't erase next time. My apologies.

[Certain]

This painting was, in my opinion, the best of the week as a topic. ("The Starry Night" is my favorite painting selected, but I liked this more as something to write off of.) And you are two of the most talented writers in this league, so I saved your battle for last. And I'm going to go whole-hog on the breakdown of this battle. I say all this before reading a word. So don't disappoint me.

Zenland: I read it once with your formatting, but found the formatting did nothing but make the second verse a chore to read. So for the reread, I pasted it into my Notepad document and found the second part less choppy as a result. You're too good to rely on formatting tricks. Anyway, this was an interesting take on the painting. I didn't expect to see the two men in the background turn into major players in a verse, but I liked that approach. Their upper-class status is obvious even from the little we can see of them.

Your writing invokes a lot of emotion. When reading, I picture a spastic voice, full of rises and falls and pitch changes and all sorts of other stuff. Some of your rhymes were just a little off, but it almost added to the feel of recklessness that pervaded the verse. What made this verse interesting was the double voice. The first stanza was more interesting because of the crazed feeling of it all.

There they are, behind my back with diamonds set
In their necklaces was meshed with a hat and canes,
How are those bastards sane and I'm actin strange!?
Just cause they're decked out in nice clothes (I'd buy those)
And aftershave to lubricate when they masturbate,
I'm sure they do that although it's a rude and crude act
But that doesn't matter, Hey! You wanna blow those bastards away!?
Or walk up with a golf club and shatter his brains?
Come on!! Come out of your cavern Dave and plaster their face
On the sidewalk while we eat their eyeballs
And Laugh in their face!! Wouldn't that be great!?

This part of the verse was the strongest. There was some crude imagery, but it fit. And I think that spastic voice really shined with the leap to not being sure if they masturbate. Asides can be tricky to pull off. The same is true of rhyming asides, but you used a few without losing the flow of the verse.

The rest of the stanza felt a bit redundant and a little less polished, even in its mania. Again, this is not an easy style to inhabit, and the lyricism and content seemed overpowered by the voice you were going for in the last six lines or so of the first stanza.

The bigger issues came to start the second verse. You sort of went back over the first verse's content with a new voice, and I suppose I would have preferred if you had simply written these two things together, in more of a call-and-response interplay. At this point, having read the first verse, I'm expecting the story to move. Instead we rehash. I liked the new voice, particularly in the third line, "Nonsense you bastard there is no such thing as mind over will."

The ending was interesting but way underdeveloped. We didn't get enough of a sense of Dave's backstory, so to quickly drop in that Dave, under Henry's influence, had murdered his wife without realizing it, was very abrupt. I liked the way you phrased the reveal, in Henry's grimy voice, but I thought the development as a whole was unnecessary.

The biggest issue with this verse is that you carved out two strong voices but didn't do anything with them. Though the action is implied at the end of the verse, the entirety of the written part of this verse is an internal monologue taking place while Dave stands at the pier. It's very difficult to tell a story without any physical actions and make it compelling, and you still could have succeeded with a bit more balance between the two parts. You wrote this very well, but the content didn't hold up.

NYCSPITZ: You went with the atmosphere piece, which is a pretty conservative approach, particularly to a topic such as this one that lent itself to storytelling. But you have a wonderful way with words, and your lyricism carried you here. This was smooth and slick and consistenty interesting with a few strong quotable sections.

The beginning felt like too much of a description of the painting. With all image-based topic weeks, it's important to keep in mind that your readers will be able to see the image. But I did love the idea of "a godless breeze," which was one of those turns of phrase that keeps your writing interesting and above most others. Aside: Didn't you use "illumine" in last week's verse?

Then you moved into discussing why the man in the painting was so upset, which obviously needed to be at the heart of any verse about this topic. And I liked the idea of the man pacing around and trying to cope with the real world, but I wish you had been more concrete about his concerns. The abstractions felt a little too distant, too out there. But they were beautifully written.

Nasty Nicene ninja, extol immutable themes
gassy...and more ephemeral than Jupiter's sheen -
just contemplate worldly ignorance of the doofus regime.
opiate concocted death - a suitable tea
residue lines on CDs...snort a few to relieve.
Life's a chessmatch.

That was my favorite section. What you did with sounds and wordplay there was very strong. The closing line also was strong. The only line that didn't work for me was, "You're the master and noob - excuse the belief." The phrases there didn't connect for me, and "noob" seemed a bit out of place.

Here's the issue: You're sort of evading the topic again, as was a big part of the problem last week. Now, the beginning of your verse was pretty directly about the painting. But by the midway point, you basically had stopped writing about the painting at all. This isn't a storytelling league, and topicals have won several battles here already. But this particularly painting definitely lent itself to a story or at least a more direct topical. Here, it seemed as though you skirted around the topic a bit.

Even with that said, I enjoyed reading your verse a lot. You're just a great writer. Zenland is, too, but I think he made structural mistakes that were impossible to overcome. I don't think this battle reflected either of your full abilities, though.

Vote: NYCSPITZ

[Frank]

^what he said











j/k

zenland is the zaniest to the fullest without really breaching his potential. this was a scary preview of things to come. zenland has been on this trip of sort with a lot of inner demons surfacing in his writing. ''drugs really gotta hold of me" eminem with the autotune affect comes to mind. the flow of this was very cutthroat and edgy like a speedy junky with a hallucinating mindstate -- 2 ill adverse affects simultaneously occurring. a lot of well timed transitions from bar to bar; clever. you did it well with words aftershave and then another one. blitzkrieg of rhyming abilities though, i feel if you buckled down you would garner deeper connections within your writing. as of now you are an adrenaline junky, epitome of a quick slinging freewriter. didn't like the liquid matter out of place horrocore line could've been replaced with a less distracting way of killing the bitch. i mean liquid matter. i wasn't feeling that rocket in my pocket shit either man. you can't stop it? WTF you talking about nigga?! FIGHT OR FLIGHT. you need to write a slower paced piece next week to break this cycle of chatter boxness. bunker down and unfold a 48 line full fledged story. tame that speed and concentrate on refining that velocity.

nyc.
My nigga J.T with the most advance vocabulary to ever spit on webster avenue, in the bronx. true wordsmith - grandeur of it all is, less is more. saying a lot with a little is something you accomplish. heavy sentences that tweak the regions of the brain responsible for my enjoyment. I think honestly NYC might be overthinking these league entrys because I've seen what dude was capable of with 20 minutes in those write nights, all inspiring to say the least. nyc almost came more beautiful than the photo itself.

all in all.
the contrast of these 2 cats was crazy. i think the madness of zenland is captured by the losing his mind hands on temple depiction, where as NYCSPITZ maybe very well have outwrote the photograph like a post card.

battle. ...


tough choice....


MVGT Zenland