Week 4 - patrown (2-1) vs. Mr. J (2-1) - MR. J WINS 5-0

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic


Wind






Good Luck patrown Mr. J

[Mr. J]

Interesting....check

[patrown]

check.

edit : extension requested in chat is granted.

[Mr. J]

I crept in with my own design, I flow as time
share an open mind with friend and foe alike
I bring what has been...when I expose the light
like...open blinds, I carry what most despise...
destructive in my path, most are prone to fight
I've...broken lives and often bring hope to life
carrying a sense of reliance when you open wide
another day...spreading feathers to flame
building up speed when I'm threatened by rain
most homes disappear and are never regained
others, stand firm and often grow better with pain
it all depends on where you are...
look upon me and my brethren the same
flow free, from this spectrum to space
respected for grace, yet rejected the same
tempest...my temptress enraged
this is often where my penance is delayed
a hurricane of emotions often left in her wake
both are one in the same, but different in a way
I often wonder how I been endeavored this way
how I carry such carelessness, not present in strength
a gentle push to help send her away..
it would help, maybe she could center her strain
let go of what often pressures her...brain?
I'm better delayed..find something fit..even better to say
because where we go is still a wonder to us
love..calming with touch, but...not often enough
I thought we could keep our ideals & trust
at least til' I know what were shielded from
freedom...containment only bottles us up...
leaving us stressed, til' we're lost in the rush
we lose each other again, leaving it up to us
To find each other or leave...gone with the gust
pushing us further til we sail off into what's...
often known to the commoners tongue
as separation...but we are so close its not easy
we are one but different...
Alone but not distant
Strange....how our flows throw off our position
yet bring us back into our own emission
with feelings that are swift..and immensely missing
come to the light, when we dance in our coldest renditions

[patrown]

the moon rose high in the sky, it's fullest time
doin eighty in residentials, park. start pulling line.
the same every night and day for the best in the state
but this one felt different, stepping on broken plates
police with drawn weapons keep holding their lines
tellin us to watch out backs inside, faces older then time
we just axed the door and headed straight for the stairs
feeling invincible to the heavy tasks we shouldered in pairs
til i saw him in a folding chair, toe in the trigger guard
a little charred but still, i recognized Jacob
saw the can of gas, remember he went bankrupt
putting the past behind, one task in mind, save his family
go through the kitchen, upstairs into a smoky canopy
take the left. touch the doorknob, twist it and push
air feeds the hissing fire, spitting cinders and suit
dodging falling timber, we cleared each room
and made it out just before we heard the boom

[Just Write]

Sorry for the slacky feed I'm on my phone


Mr j. I liked this piece, very poetic. I did however feel that the rhyme scheme you used got boring and could have used a switch up. Other than that I really enjoyed it.



Patrown this was a sloppy verse. It looks like you may have been rushed this week but this was not up to par with your usual self.


Vote=mr. J

[Zen]

Mr. J- I'd have to say after reading everyone's verses each and every week that you have one of the crispest flows around. I'm not sure if I'm ever come across a piece by you that the flow was ever fucked up and that's very impressive. The content on this piece though was something I couldn't really get into and the only thing that kept me going was the flow simply because it was fun to read. Very fun to read actually, just not interesting if that makes sense. Still, this was another solid post.

patrown- Come on, man. I call you my protege and then you drop this!? lol But really what you did drop wasn't bad. You were rushed for time I'm assuming and had to drop whatever you could and I understand and respect that at least you didn't know show. Was really looking to forward to this battle and I imagine it would have been epic if you coulda went the way you wanted to.

v/Mr. J

[Mike Wrecka]

cool battle guys. quickie votes. sorry

Mr. J - good flow. you went really vague . like I didn't know what the fuck I was reading about vague. Im assuming you were personifying wind and describing yourself with those terms. kind of like a flex piece. like I said the flow was good and you had some stand out lines.

patrown - what you wrote was good. you just didn't write enough to get my vote. you are the biggest grammar Nazi I have ever seen when you vote. well at one point you used the word suit instead of soot. and that made me smile knowing that I could rag on you for it. good verse just too short

vote - Mr. J

[Split]

liked both, bonestly. sorry if this is vague vote, smoked a bag of stress weed and feel dead exhausted, ill edit in more feed tomorrow or make it up to you in future feed

Mr. j.
lyrical. liked the tone the best, thought you did a good job of using personification to give wind a personality in a sense. almost in a japanese folklore sort of way idk, i feel so dead write now that im just appreciating ur verse's simplicity and striaght-forwardness. like reading a Nujabes beat on waterproof paper, half submerged in a freshwater lake you visited in the 6th grade with your best friends, as the moon goes up on a mellow autumn night as the vermont leaves fall onto the water without splashing.


patrown.

really good meter. great pace. short and sweet. you mvoed the story along while adding descirption, real seamless .y ou are a good storyteller. didntxlike verse length or angle on tooic

v/ mr j

[Frank]

topic: wind

I crept in with my own design, I flow as time
^great introduction, you crept in.
share an open mind with friend and foe alike
I bring what has been...when I expose the light
like...open blinds, I carry what most despise...
^"expose the light/open blinds" good imagery there.
destructive in my path, most are prone to fight
I've...broken lives and often bring hope to life
carrying a sense of reliance when you open wide
"open wide" gives a good sense of stillness which blocks out the wind.
another day...spreading feathers to flame
building up speed when I'm threatened by rain
^dope couplet
most homes disappear and are never regained
others, stand firm and often grow better with pain
it all depends on where you are...
look upon me and my brethren the same
flow free, from this spectrum to space
respected for grace, yet rejected the same
tempest...my temptress enraged
^winds starting to pick up.
this is often where my penance is delayed
a hurricane of emotions often left in her wake
both are one in the same, but different in a way
I often wonder how I been endeavored this way
how I carry such carelessness, not present in strength
a gentle push to help send her away..
^"gentle/push" oxymoron. good one.
it would help, maybe she could center her strain
let go of what often pressures her...brain?
^lose the ... and ? here
I'm better delayed..find something fit..even better to say
because where we go is still a wonder to us
love..calming with touch, but...not often enough
I thought we could keep our ideals & trust
at least til' I know what were shielded from
freedom...containment only bottles us up...
^wind cannot be bottled, or could it?
leaving us stressed, til' we're lost in the rush
we lose each other again, leaving it up to us
To find each other or leave...gone with the gust
^"gone with the gust" ill wording.
pushing us further til we sail off into what's...
often known to the commoners tongue
as separation...but we are so close its not easy
we are one but different...
Alone but not distant
Strange....how our flows throw off our position
^"the flow" your saying was so turbulent it knocked you off coarse, and lost track of what you were writing about. happens
yet bring us back into our own emission
with feelings that are swift..and immensely missing
come to the light, when we dance in our coldest renditions
^swift was choice here, captured some of the schemes and how chaotic wind could be. breezy verse.


patrown
the moon rose high in the sky, it's fullest time
doin eighty in residentials, park. start pulling line.
the same every night and day for the best in the state
but this one felt different, stepping on broken plates
police with drawn weapons keep holding their lines
tellin us to watch out backs inside, faces older then time
we just axed the door and headed straight for the stairs
^good action last two lines there.
feeling invincible to the heavy tasks we shouldered in pairs
til i saw him in a folding chair, toe in the trigger guard
^good imagery.
a little charred but still, i recognized Jacob
saw the can of gas, remember he went bankrupt
putting the past behind, one task in mind, save his family
go through the kitchen, upstairs into a smoky canopy
^"smokey canopy" nice imagery.
take the left. touch the doorknob, twist it and push
^you are an effective action writer.
air feeds the hissing fire, spitting cinders and suit
^nice imagery.
dodging falling timber, we cleared each room
and made it out just before we heard the boom

this was a dense for how short it was.started off super slow but quickened the pace. the first few lines were awkward in a sense they were just badly worded. fix the introduction, and create some windy explosive theme in the first few lines so the pay off has more bang.

mvgt Mr. J

Patrown had the better concept imo but the execution just wasn't nearly enough