Week 4 - Objective (2-0) vs. Just Write (2-0) - JUST WRITE WINS 6-0

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic

Water



Good Luck Objective Just Write

[Just Write]

When it all started, I was just another face in the crowd
Unknown.. but In that state I was complacent and proud
Lived on the outskirts of town..
..over the hill, down around the edge of the valley
In an old broken down house facing the market's shittiest alleys
Life's decisions were simple, my family would sell a few trinkets for bucks
Ma & pa would hustle for grub just to feed us kids every month,
Don't get me wrong,
me and my sister grew up happy in our own little world
I was pa's proudest achievement. she was ma's little girl, growing into a pearl
This was before the world of systems, before the time of money and fame
Before societies tradition conditioned us to live corruptly in vain
Just candle lit dinners, a small table with no room for visitor's plate's
Pa worked hard every winter preparing the fields, by digging the planes
Me and my sister tried to help them out as much as we possibly could
She'd be scrubbing the dishes after dinner while I was out choppin up wood
Me n' sis often traveled to town, mainly to pick up different supplies
Anything to make life easier on the family and help the work diminish in size
We used to love to ride the horses up the hill, for water and back
But that day my pa said we couldn't take em cause he had an order to pack
I bet he never thought that we'd be victims of such a horrible act
Or his son would be tortured while his daughter went through a horrific attack
All I remember was the men in the mask, them grabbin at her tits and her ass
Still picture it cleary, when I close my eyes I get the most vivid of flashbacks
It makes me sick til I can't stand, excuse me for my moment of silence.............
..... but I still can't understand how someone could be so prone & open to violence
There was no calling the cops, only my emotional sirens
As I lay their screaming til no more tears could seep through my eyelids.
The men who attacked us weren't just out for the money it seemed
They wanted to feel the thrill of a kill and the apealing rush that it brings
They busted my cheek, fucked up my teeth, broke all four of my crowns
They threw me to the bottom just in time for me to see my sister tumbling down
As she lay on the ground I could see her life slippin away
there wasn't a thing I could do or a prayer to pray to help with the pain
I Didnt even try to help her..i'll always have to look back with this inner guilt
.....and now you know the real story of the hill, Jack, and his sister Jill.


"R.I.P. Jill"



http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=25119
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23658
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=25120
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=25111
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=25117
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=25115
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=25112

[Objective]

Personalities is similar to water; hard to break with force,
and with careful evaluation you'll discover its course.
During a storm you better believe it shows its true face,
the crushing waves will put any sinking boat in place.

The taste I'm most familiar with is water from my sink,
I don't need to buy expensive liquids to have a drink.
If I'm stranded in a desert I wouldn't mind a helping hand,
because when it comes down to it; life is already planned.

As rivers fill our country-sides with life and unique beauty,
the cities grow to fulfill their needs as they share the same duty.
You don't know where its traveled or if it's given people poundings,
but you can always trust on water to cope with its surroundings.

On a larger scale you could say that we slowly die if we don't share,
it gets deeper with Africa and the personality-concept up in there.
It all comes together; during summer, spring, winter and fall,
if you look closer on what we got; the ocean makes up for us all.

[Certain]

Just Write: This was a unique approach, for sure. It reminded me of the old B-boys.com project where they built modernist backgrounds for fairy-tale characters. I think it would have been both more challenging and more interesting to set Jack and Jill in a modern context, but you did a good job providing a lot of depth to a four-line nursery rhyme, so I'm not complaining at all. I picked up on the Jack and Jill twist once you mentioned riding horses up the hill for water. But I think that was probably intentional, and I'm glad I didn't get stunned by the reveal at the end. I think the opening couplet and the couplet beginning "This was before" were a bit out of place as forced commentary on a "simpler" time, and the verse would have worked better had those couplets been removed and the story been told more straightforwardly. The flow also was a little choppier than some of your previous verses. But this definitely is another notch in your belt as an elite-level storyteller. You had a creative idea and executed it with simple effectiveness.

Objective: This was a weak drop. I don't know what else to say. It was exceedingly simple to the point where it seemed like the type of thing a new writer would post. The idea wasn't so bad, but the execution had the air of someone who didn't care. You're the type who rises to the occasion often, so I was disappointed to see this against an opponent as good as Just Write.

Vote: Just Write

[Adonis]

Jdub - So...flow was decent, I wasn't a fan of the multiple, be it concecutive end rhymes in "ack" I.e 'attatck, back, pack, flashback'... IDK to me was just a bit simple of rhymes, like I'm pretty sure we all used these exact rhymes in one of our first 5 verses ever you know? Anyways, I enjoyed the dark theme because I'm a weirdo, i actually prefer to go into sadistic details myself but considering the backlash I had before I choose not write those story's in the Aowl. Anyways, the verse itself was good. There's a word for making fairy tales more realistic or gory, forget the word but that's what you did. I guess in the end, I've read better flows from you, better story and overall better work. This was just middle of the ground with some dark imagery sprinkled in.


OB - This was haiku like bro, almost. the shortened stanzas and lack of length in general are becoming your thing I'd say as I've read a couple of your verses in this manner the past month or so. Anyways, solid writing, just not much there. I mean you explained water, the need for it, and what it does along with a few facts about it such as "water can pound a boat". Now re-word that with some imagery and it becomes a good concept, but just saying what you did is, well to me, the simple thing to do


V/JW

his verse had the better concept. Other than that this is a very close battle in all other aspects, but his concept IMO was just better by a mile so....

[PancakeBrah]

Just Write-

Cool little verse. The idea/concept was cool and pretty original mostly due to your execution. Instead of toying and twisting the old nursery rhyme or interpreting it in a different way you simply added flourishes and a touch of macabre to the proceedings. This type of concept can be corny or lazy in the wrong hands but I felt you did well and nailed it. It wasn't too romantic, it was almost a matter-of-fact re-branding of the rhyme with increased detail and a bit of liberty in the recapturing for a darker effect. I often wonder why the majority of writtens here are so focused on the less savory, macabre. I do it too. It's presupposed depth, I guess. That's neither here nor there. As I've said, in terms of story/concept/central idea I enjoyed this and the connection to the week's topic wasn't shoehorned in. Everyone knows they went to fetch a bail of water. It's the central action that lead to Jill's death. In terms of mechanics, you wavered between good and just okay. There were certain rhymes that I felt were forced, where you would put in an unnecessary adjective that made the reading clunkier for the sake of completing a rhyme. Also, a couple of the rhymes were pretty generic. There were other portions where you hit the nail on the head in terms of mechanics and allowed your standard-level multi-syllabic style flesh out the content as opposed to the content being relegated to second place behind keeping in step with the rhymes you felt you needed to create. In the non-rhyme department, there were a couple spots where your wording felt a bit dry, as in there were spots where I lost interest. For all these small qualms I still think this, overall, was worth the read. Nothing mind-blowing, but interesting. Thanks.

"There was no calling the cops, only my emotional sirens
As I lay their screaming til no more tears could seep through my eyelids.
The men who attacked us weren't just out for the money it seemed
They wanted to feel the thrill of a kill and the apealing rush that it brings
They busted my cheek, fucked up my teeth, broke all four of my crowns
They threw me to the bottom just in time for me to see my sister tumbling down"

My favorite portion of your verse.

Objective-

I understand the concept but it didn't feel correct. It felt shoehorned in to be deep but there's no real connection. Your opening line hurt you; the mismatched plural/singular tense right off the bat gives the reader the distinct preconception of unfinished or rushed work. Whether or not that's the actual case here is irrelevant. Your second line was probably the best line of your piece but it wasn't necessarily strong. Throughout the piece your rhymes were simplistic. Simplistic not only in terms of syllables, which can be fine, but in terms of originality and creativity. force/course, face/place, sink/drink, etc. I understand what you were going for; content over mechanics with an emphasis on message. If the message and point is weak and contrived, though, all we're left with is kindergarten rhymes supporting a weak idea. The Africa line was cringeworthy to me. I know this has been overwhelmingly negative but I've read some of your work before and this is not up to standard. You have the ability to be an upper-echelon competitor in this league but I don't know what you were going for here. Look forward to your next drop.

v/Just Write

[Zen]

Just Write- You dropped another excellent piece this week. I haven't read Objective's verse yet, but after reading this I can tell that this will be hard to beat. Your writing on the surface looks plain or simple when in fact it's anything but that. You are proving yourself as a great writer this season and everyone's starting to take notice. Great work my friend.

Objective- To be honest, I really didn't enjoy this. This type of drop isn't like what I'm used to from you so I'm assuming you must have been strained for time which is understandable but this week you went against a monster that would have been hard to beat by anyone.

v/ Just Write

[King Ra.]

I don't know what happened here but clearly a one-sided match up.

Just Write, very interesting story. I didn't catch the Jack/Jill theme til the end of the piece so you did a good job of disguising that. The concept overall was very good. The only thing I can really say on the negative side of things, the beginning started slow but it picked up and also there were some parts that came off bland. The storytelling could have been great but it was good enough. I believe the concept you used really outshines everything else. This is my first time reading a piece of yours this season if I'm correct and word is you're a force to be reckoned with now. I'd have to see more, but I feel this piece could have been much better storytelling wise with the concept you used, but it's good overall and the ending pretty much sealed the deal for me.

Objective, I don't know what happened, but as Zen mentioned, you probably were pressed for time or just couldn't really think of a concept to put together for the topic because you indeed dropped a very, very basic piece, and I know you are capable of better. If you wrote this a bit more intricately, with some creativity, I would say you could have put yourself in a better position to contend here, but this simple of a piece won't really do much for you in this league that is very deep and you are much better than what is shown here.

Not really much to say here. Just Write gets a fairly easy vote from what could have been a much better overall match up, if Objective put together a more complete work. JW put together a good story under a solid, creative concept and gets my nod easy.

MVGT: Just Write. Good job by both competitors.

[Frank]

topic: water


Just Write
When it all started, I was just another face in the crowd
Unknown.. but In that state I was complacent and proud
Lived on the outskirts of town..
..over the hill, down around the edge of the valley
In an old broken down house facing the market's shittiest alleys
Life's decisions were simple, my family would sell a few trinkets for bucks
Ma & pa would hustle for grub just to feed us kids every month,
^Valley , Market, Trinkets, Pa, Grub - All key words that capture a simple vibe.
Don't get me wrong,
me and my sister grew up happy in our own little world
I was pa's proudest achievement. she was ma's little girl, growing into a pearl
This was before the world of systems, before the time of money and fame
Before societies tradition conditioned us to live corruptly in vain
Just candle lit dinners, a small table with no room for visitor's plate's
Pa worked hard every winter preparing the fields, by digging the planes
^this line is harsh stark in contrast to the "water" topic. it is brash - "planes" - it is arrid - I am thirsty...

Me and my sister tried to help them out as much as we possibly could
She'd be scrubbing the dishes after dinner while I was out choppin up wood
^scrubbing the dishes - very rough usage of water, which than is quickly soaked up by the dense pine smell of wood chopping.
Me n' sis often traveled to town, mainly to pick up different supplies
Anything to make life easier on the family and help the work diminish in size
^''diminish'' didn't fit from a vocab stand point. was too sophisticated for the setting you had imprinted in my mind.
We used to love to ride the horses up the hill, for water and back
^water is finally introduced - as a desolate trickle in a gritty land.
But that day my pa said we couldn't take em cause he had an order to pack
^Right after introducing water you pack it on up. Shut off the valves so to speak.
I bet he never thought that we'd be victims of such a horrible act
Or his son would be tortured while his daughter went through a horrific attack
All I remember was the men in the mask, them grabbin at her tits and her ass
^raunchy.
Still picture it cleary, when I close my eyes I get the most vivid of flashbacks
It makes me sick til I can't stand, excuse me for my moment of silence.............
..... but I still can't understand how someone could be so prone & open to violence
There was no calling the cops, only my emotional sirens
As I lay their screaming til no more tears could seep through my eyelids.
^the water is welling.
The men who attacked us weren't just out for the money it seemed
They wanted to feel the thrill of a kill and the apealing rush that it brings
^"appealing" didn't fit. a revengeful rush would've kept the story in it's box. sometimes adding certain words distract from the content and it's a overly analytical precise but it bugged me.
They busted my cheek, fucked up my teeth, broke all four of my crowns
^tough go around there buddy. you were just crying but you sucked it up.
They threw me to the bottom just in time for me to see my sister tumbling down
As she lay on the ground I could see her life slippin away
there wasn't a thing I could do or a prayer to pray to help with the pain
I Didnt even try to help her..i'll always have to look back with this inner guilt
.....and now you know the real story of the hill, Jack, and his sister Jill.
^cool liil creativity on your behalf of the ole jack and jill story.

the rhyme schemes was kind of sketchy and somewhat dry but the emotion I could tell came from a different time in your life. either that or you just really went for the guts and glory and put yourself into the story of the couple who fetches the pale of water. aside from a few misplaced words, this was straight. decent read.

objective
Personalities is similar to water; hard to break with force,
and with careful evaluation you'll discover its course.
During a storm you better believe it shows its true face,
the crushing waves will put any sinking boat in place.

The taste I'm most familiar with is water from my sink,
^this was a profound line imo.
I don't need to buy expensive liquids to have a drink.
^aha.
If I'm stranded in a desert I wouldn't mind a helping hand,
because when it comes down to it; life is already planned.
^this reminds me of the horse lead to water, but you cannot make it drink, only pull it's reigns to the source.
As rivers fill our country-sides with life and unique beauty,
the cities grow to fulfill their needs as they share the same duty.
^i like this contrast idea of rivers filling the country sides, while cities try to fullfill their side of the plan.
You don't know where its traveled or if it's given people poundings,
but you can always trust on water to cope with its surroundings.
^"be water" - bruce lee
On a larger scale you could say that we slowly die if we don't share,
it gets deeper with Africa and the personality-concept up in there.
^this line really stirred the puddle and erased the validation the piece deserved.
It all comes together; during summer, spring, winter and fall,
^nah. it all fell apart...
if you look closer on what we got; the ocean makes up for us all.
^we are the world ending blemished by the ill fated choice of words, just a few lines before.

you told a story of water from a somewhat philosphical lenses but the line about Africa quickly veered this piece in totally different direction and ultimately blew it for you. i was going to give you the W but couldn't ignore the blunder.



mvgt just write