Week 4 - symetrik (0-0) vs. breathless (0-2) - BREATHLESS WINS 6-2

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic

Soil



Good Luck symetrik breathless

[symetrik]

Perfect.
Check.

[symetrik]

I was woken from a pleasant rest,
my lady whispers "bad news" (and wake-the-neighbor loud sex)
she hesitates to say, but we bounced checks,
can't even pay rent.

so I busk in the day for a few cents,
cuddle up at night in our sleeping bag love nests,
cuz we could be together 'less she lose the urge to effervesce
so sick of waking grimy, feeling twisted in the escher sense

tired of the filth, the stench of moldy clothes,
I guess she lost all hope of going home.
but she was fine… at least I told her so,
I guess that that's a lie cuz every night she tried to overdose…

I know a ghost... she fills me with resent,
she's etched in my regret.
sometimes I wear her shirt, just for the scent.
and tend to every flower where she's buried in the garden beds.

[breathless]

There was this blonde chick, stunningly attractive...
She ran into the street and got struck by oncoming traffic.
With weak resistance, and a deep distance in her eyes,
she'd keep on insistin' upon bein' a mistress of time.
A tryst missed, brisk shivers run quickly down her spine.

This dismissive look of indifferent lust bristles her flesh.
The thick whiskers that once tickled her supple nipples and breasts,
now flooded with salt rivers mixed with crimson instead...

But he knows, this is the last moment he has
to kiss the side of her cheek, yet he can't open the casket.
He stands over the chasm, the hoists holding his wife's coffin creak,
soiling his soul silently weeping, embroiled in both kinds of everything.

If only he hadn't randomly seen her from across the street...

So happy as he screamed her name and she came dashing to greet him.
A chance rearranged in passing, turned into a painful lunchtime meet up.

Was he to blame? No, but really, it could not get much worse.
What he saw was a shame, finally, what's inside that dumb blonde head of her's.

[breathless]

post check... Vote links will go here

[Mr. J]

This was a cool battle short and sweet from both
basically came with the same idea and type of storyline
Tackling the subject differently at the same time
the execution from both writers was quite the same as well
looks like you two could have collabed on this piece
I enjoyed symetricks verse. the visuals were placed well
breathless seems to be experimenting with this style
but as close as you two were on this I feel....
well...I feel breathless did quite well so my vote is in his favoring

[e11even]

This battle was cool. Cool in the sense that there was a story full of personal character behind the subject. Kinda easier to judge since you both were so similar in approach.

Sym- Pretty solid storytelling. It just didn't sit well with me how most this piece was so simple and direct, yet these spare overly-intelligent words were coming out of nowhere (effervesce, escher). It didn't feel like they fit too well. Overall, Good drop.

Breathless- This was more consistent in language and more relatable in the way it was told, even though both pieces had pretty much the same approach. My only problem with this was that closer. You could definitely have done better. Good storytelling though.

Both you guys were pretty neck and neck, with not much over each other. What stood out to me was the fact that I felt more connected to Breathless's piece. It hit a little harder in the manner at which it came across. Thanks guys for dropping early! MVGT Breathless.

[Certain]

symetrik: You were dealing in a strong case of ambiguity here, but you pulled it off because you moved the story well. I like that you took very little time describing characters provided images that gave us a sense of their identities. There were some flaws, even in the context of this piece's brevity and intentional vagueness. Some of the writing needed to be tightened. The third stanza felt particularly weak because "moldy clothes" really was the only fine detail and because what is she overdosing on? The ambiguity of her death was nice, though. On my first read, I wondered if she had died between the first and second stanzas, but that wouldn't make sense the way it was written. That would have been a sick twist, though. Anyway, the mechanics need to be cleaned up. Your rhyming was weak, even when you were hitting with a multiple-syllable rhyme. But I liked it, certainly more than I expected to upon looking at it. Welcome to the league. Don't be afraid to explore longer stories, either.

breathless: I thought you really had something in the beginning, for those first two stanzas. But I think you short-changed yourselfonce you started digging into the meat of the story because you wrote so little. There were huge gaps in this story, including pretty much all character development. Why would a husband and wife not know they were going to be in the same area at lunchtime? Why would she run to him like a long-lost friend? I wanted more answers than I got with your verse. The ending also was pretty lame. I'm holding this to a high standard because I think you're a really good writer who simply hasn't put himself fully into this league. This could have been a breakout verse from you had you continued with the pace and aggressive style of the first two stanzas, but it probably needed to be more like 24 lines instead of 16. I'd love to see what you could do if you really fleshed something out. But even though you wrote 41 more words than your opponent this week, I came away with more questions from your verse and a less settled resolution.

Vote: symetrik

[Lars]

Tough battle here ladies, real close, I felt like symetrik had the better storyline and take to the topic, he had little things to his verse that helped convey the "soil" throughout that others havent mentioned in their votes, only subtle things like:

grimy

tired of the filth, the stench of moldy

All alluding to the topic at hand, maybe not directly, but they were definately there and he did enough of it for me to notice what he was doing. I was surprised more didn't note that fact. It was real subtle, but noticeable. Good touch.

Breathless - Reminds me of ole me throughout the first few couplets, heavy on the schemes, good multi-strings used, and the flow is made all the better for it. The "title" if you can call it that is dope, and even though the two of your approaches was similar in one context, I do feel like you edged it in creativity and the mechanics of the verse. It was close, don't get me wrong, the votes display that, but Breathless did enough for the win here this week IMHO.

[Just Write]

tired of the filth, the stench of moldy clothes,
I guess she lost all hope of going home.
but she was fine… at least I told her so,
I guess that that's a lie cuz every night she tried to overdose…

I think this part was refreshing but I also think you took a rather simple route in this and could have helped it out by either switching up you schemes or dding some multi's/inners. as far as content goes nice little short and sweet story of a woman who commits suicide because she's too depressed



This dismissive look of indifferent lust bristles her flesh.
The thick whiskers that once tickled her supple nipples and breasts,
now flooded with salt rivers mixed with crimson instead...

this section was particularly nice, I enjoy your writing style. i think i somewhat compares to mine (as far as schemes, inners ect) this wasn't the best piece but it didn't bore me. I red your piece last week so I know you're better than that


pretty evenly matched here, don't think either came at their best though. as an entertainment factor i'm going to have to give this to breathless. thanks for the read guys

[symetrik]

vote links:
Bags vs Cashius ELEMENTS FINAL (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23658)
Certain vs Vividlyvague (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=25111)
Clutter Buck vs Adonis (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=25120)

[Geno]

Ok
Clearly not the novice/heavyweights of the league. No disrespect

Symetrik.. I felt your story was immature, it lacked pizazz. Needs more creativity. More passion and feeling from you. You can clearly put a couple rhymes together and slap some content on down..it just doesn't seem like you really cared about what you were writing. Or maybe you ddid and just need a lot of time to grow still?

Breathless, awkward name dude
Yours wasn't to far off from the same as your opponants. I did though, feel that you brought a little more style and likeable concepts/content to your verse. I feel like you stole this one by a slim margin this week. Keep writing though man, you edged it here.. but without further inkering and expansion of your style and ideas... your not gonna get far against our more seasoned writers here on ncs.

V-breathless

[Certain]

breathless leads 5-1.

[King Ra.]

Very simple pieces from both sides here. Symetrik, welcome to the league. You told a very basic story of two people who were in love and one (the woman) apparently ends up dying from an overdose at the end. I wasn't totally impressed because your story could have used some creativity and stronger diction. I will say the ending has an emotional touch to it, a very sad visual there but that was really the only part that really caught my attention. You could have added a bit more to this to explain why she was overdosing- the story just felt too sudden in events. Breathless, you too told an almost similar story, but in a much different way and what I feel, a tad more rounded than your opponent. Your style of writing is a bit unique and it's a good/bad thing, bad being that it throws off the flow when reading but good because it's different. I liked the fact that your story jumped right in the middle of an event with the woman running out in traffic without thought and getting hit, diving right into it and then I liked the transition, sort of a rewind feel to how that incident came to be as you ended your story. As with your opponent, I felt you could have done more with a lengthier drop, but it works to your favor this time around.

While I did like symetrik's ending a whole lot which rounded up the topic, I felt there was much more that could've been done to better the story, which seemed to just move sharply towards the end. More development of the woman and her overdose problem could have helped as also a bit more creativity with words to bring out the piece more. I felt breathless managed to do a lot more with the little he put together and I liked the immediate action in the beginning and the transition to why that happened at the end, also topping of a pretty solid story.

MVGT: breathless. Good job by both competitors.

[Frank]

topic:soil

symetrik
I was woken from a pleasant rest,
my lady whispers "bad news" (and wake-the-neighbor loud sex)
^should be no "and" (wake-the-neighbor loud sex)
she hesitates to say, but we bounced checks,
can't even pay rent.

so I busk in the day for a few cents,
cuddle up at night in our sleeping bag love nests,
^deep

cuz we could be together 'less she lose the urge to effervesce
so sick of waking grimy, feeling twisted in the escher sense
^effervesce? lost me but i'm digging the language

tired of the filth, the stench of moldy clothes,
^soiled
I guess she lost all hope of going home.
but she was fine… at least I told her so,
I guess that that's a lie cuz every night she tried to overdose…

I know a ghost... she fills me with resent,
she's etched in my regret.
sometimes I wear her shirt, just for the scent.
and tend to every flower where she's buried in the garden beds.
^felt that

this was some real shit.



breathless
There was this blonde chick, stunningly attractive...
She ran into the street and got struck by oncoming traffic.
With weak resistance, and a deep distance in her eyes,
she'd keep on insistin' upon bein' a mistress of time.
A tryst missed, brisk shivers run quickly down her spine.
^last line sounded like old english.

This dismissive look of indifferent lust bristles her flesh.
The thick whiskers that once tickled her supple nipples and breasts,
now flooded with salt rivers mixed with crimson
^dope
instead
But he knows, this is the last moment he has
to kiss the side of her cheek, yet he can't open the casket.
He stands over the chasm, the hoists holding his wife's coffin creak,
soiling his soul silently weeping, embroiled
^majestic meets depleted .

If only he hadn't randomly seen her from across the street...

So happy as he screamed her name and she came dashing to greet him.
A chance rearranged in passing, turned into a painful lunchtime meet up.

Was he to blame? No, but really, it could not get much worse.
What he saw was a shame, finally, what's inside that dumb blonde head of her's.
^
satisfyingly rushed



mvgt symetrik

the soiled clothes / soil grave connection was well done. breathless had moments of exquisite wording but ultimately he didn't succeed in connecting with the topic as well imo

good battle