Week 4 - Clutter Buck (1-0) vs. Adonis (1-1) - ADONIS WINS 8-6

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic

Stone



Good luck Clutter Buck Adonis

[Clutter Buck]

In it to kill it! :)

[Adonis]

I'll get the caution tape

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=25113

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=25117

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?p=184995#post184995

[Adonis]

Daniel was the class clown; but only on the surface,
Made his peers laugh loud with every joke blurted,
His facade perfect.. He daily left his teachers floored,
As they taught... They thought; his jokes meant he ignored,
The submitted work of course, was – Truly terrific,
The big “C” on his letter men was purely prolific,
Each score he'd thank god, then blow a kiss to the cheer squad,
One goddess would catch it, her beauty un-flawed,
A vivacious vixen – with more color than a prism,
Hazel eyes positioned on silky skin un-christened,
A smile that gleams, pearly whites encompassed in serene,
A face inside of dreams, no body cuz her mind is what we fiend,
Sara's natural elegance is second to her scholastic competence,
Both can choose any college due to academic dominance,
A match made in heaven, a couple so perfect,
From the outside... As I've merely scratched the surface.


Graduation in six months; They're prepared to fly the nest,
But a tiny seed can interject and make dreams defect,
It seems timing's incorrect, for a bump to sprout,
Daniel's proud, scared; but overcoming every doubt,
His first thought, fright; who recruits a kid with a kid and wife?
But reality strikes; The bliss felt cut fear, out like a knife,
Sara on the other hand, just a bit uncertain,
She'd be burdened with being round at the cap and gown sermon,
So options were discussed, and sacrifices made,
It wasn't his stomach so his decision ¼ weighed,
Sara held majority, but Daniel trusted her,
She's smart and loveable; intelligence unmeasurable...


“Daniel, pick me up. I can't drive. I need a ride home. @ the clinic”

His eye's flare open... His heart crushed his soles...
His mind crashed and burned; the text being the coals...
Time's stagnant; Lungs strain excessively,
His octave, is bitch made; as he weeps depressingly...

“I'll never have the chance to offer what I can!
I'll never be a man! Never forgive you and I'll never understand!
How Sara? I thought we had an agreement.
Our bond is broken, walk home. You're dead to me you heathen!


The worst part?
There's not even a stone plot I can visit to mourn,
Instead, there's a dumpster...
The grave site of OUR seed..

That wasn’t even born”...

[Clutter Buck]

Good luck! :)




Take a concrete thought or idea
aim to spot the flaws that appear.
Before you adhere tools of the trade in
your engineering, view it with patience.
- Use your creative juices to crack it,
there’s numerous ways if you just imagine!
Using a hammer could bring you results
but if you were to add just a chisel and sculpt
with unadulterated freedom of thought
& instinctive impulses leading the course
it could be so much more given time to perfect it.
- Clean up the corners and find a direction
File at each section that’s rough at the edges
so its lines are connected & done to your credit.
Study your effort with critical eyes
looking intensely at which you’ve designed.
- Is it precise and holding your gaze
giving new life what you’d hoped to convey?
If no, strip away at the layers of debris
‘til what solely remains the creation you dreamed.
As great an achievement as you could accomplish
a shape that’s ideal and yet brutally honest.
A beautiful homage to original thought
remove what’s unwanted and rid it of flaws.
Strip to the core of the subject in essence
exhibit it purely and cut the excesses.
So nothing is left but the principle premise
to sum up the rest and deliver your message.
See, in the possessive hands of an artist
this gift of expression comes natural regardless.
Whether tablet or parchment or what you prefer
it’s how concrete concepts are turned into bodies of work.

[symetrik]

Adonis: good story, decent lines.
Some seemed crazy forced:
A smile that gleams, pearly whites encompassed in serene,
A face inside of dreams, no body cuz her mind is what we fiend,
Sara's natural elegance is second to her scholastic competence,
Both can choose any college due to academic dominance,

fave line:
Each score he'd thank god, then blow a kiss to the cheer squad,
good flow in the guy's text message back, and decent reconnection with the topic.

Clutter: good all around flow
fave lines:
it could be so much more given time to perfect it.
- Clean up the corners and find a direction
File at each section that’s rough at the edges
so its lines are connected & done to your credit.
Strip to the core of the subject in essence
exhibit it purely and cut the excesses.
So nothing is left but the principle premise
to sum up the rest and deliver your message.
maintained a much stronger topical sense, better written, etc.

vote: clutter

[Just Write]

A vivacious vixen – with more color than a prism,
Hazel eyes positioned on silky skin un-christened,
A smile that gleams, pearly whites encompassed in serene,
A face inside of dreams, no body cuz her mind is what we fiend,
Sara's natural elegance is second to her scholastic competence,
Both can choose any college due to academic dominance,
A match made in heaven, a couple so perfect,
From the outside... As I've merely scratched the surface.

this part was money, loved the cadence and descriptiveness, flow was butter as well.



Strip to the core of the subject in essence
exhibit it purely and cut the excesses.
So nothing is left but the principle premise
to sum up the rest and deliver your message.
See, in the possessive hands of an artist
this gift of expression comes natural regardless.



this was a nice section here, thought it the best out of the piece, structure and mechanically this piece was sound. my only problem is that the whole time you were kinda saying the whole thing, basically it was 20 some lines about delivering a message. while the way you presented it was dope, the message imo was uncreative. no hate though


mvgt adonis for a better and more creative piece imo, though both came with a "concrete" verse

[Mr. J]

This was a good battle both competitors brought it!

Adonis, your story was great the flow was nice too
there were some parts I felt you didn't need to have
but once you put it all together it was quite the piece
very well done, I enjoyed the emotion you presented
and that ending wasn't expected, at least from my pov
very nice work my dude...

Clutter, I enjoyed what you did as well, the flow was nice
more of a abstract piece which brought a different vibe
you had a smooth transition and put a different image in my mind
I really enjoyed how you brought that aspect to the battle
smooth work man...

As for my vote, this one is tough on me because both pieces were nice
its emotion vs. skill, that's how it boils down to me here...
both writers did quite well to keep their work moving very smoothly
I really feel like I can't pick anything apart from either
and making a choice here is really based on who stuck in my head more
right now I would give it to Adonis for dropping a great story based piece
or give it to Clutter for delivering a smooth stylistic piece...
I don't enjoy making these decisions...buuuut one of you has to win
I think I'm going to have to give this one to Adonis...
v/Adonis

[Geno]

Dope battle

Adonis came in with some vvery awkward wording at times that almost pushed me entirely away from reading his verse

Clutter had a very smooth and seemingly obvious approach at what the topic was. Nothing wrong with that of course, I just think you made it to bland tbh. Dug the style and the flow, but I feel like you could have done better with the conteent

Adonis, you really need to work on bringing more style to your flow, not sure if what you were doing is intentional or maybe you read and it sounds differen in your world? Don't know... but I thought it was a little goofy at times.

Here's the thing, I'm gonna vote adonis this week. It was almost a loss for you imo though. Its not only about telling stories, you still have to be able to put into a style and a smooth flow and make it enjoyable for the reader... otherwise, why not just write a fucking story that doesn't rhyme at all? Feel me? -cause that just wouldn't be hiphop

What we had here was prodigy flow, vs big l flow
against nas storytelling, vs lil wayne storytelling.. pshhh tough call tbh and those are clearly only analogies and not 100% accurate of course..

But like I said
V-adonis

[Mike Wrecka]

wow , this was the battle I was most looking forward to and it delivered in a big way

Adonis - you hate writing story telling verses. seems like you finally gave in and wrote one and woah brother, that shit was sick. I really enjoyed it. you followed the classic story arc curve of a tragedy. everything is perfect in the beginning, then you have a conflict, then you have a glimmer of hope that they will overcome that conflict/obstacle but in the end, they don't and everything is sad and horrible. genius writing man. the emotion in the last stanza was powerful. the mechanics of the piece worked well for me. it was similar to the way I often write. I think you abandoned the writing to a beat and went for more a spoken word type of flow. which I like. I want to point out this line

His eye's flare open... His heart crushed his soles...
His mind crashed and burned; the text being the coals...
Time's stagnant; Lungs strain excessively,
His octave, is bitch made; as he weeps depressingly...

really liked that.


Larsville - man you had a nice take on the topic. but I think you kinda just went way too vague for me. you are definitely one of my fav topicalists to read and this piece was no different but it didn't grab me. it lacked emotion. the take was dope though. a stone is basically a blank canvas for an artist but he has to pound on it and crack it and hammer the fuck out of it , all violent things, to make something soft and beautiful. its ironic and you highlighted that. never really looked at it in that light. so this was illuminating. I wish you would have went storytelling mode on it. this read like a how to manual a bit. but it was still very good for what it was. you wrote it very well my dude bro.

overall - thanks for the reads guys I enjoyed this battle but in the end im a sucker for a good story

Vote - Adonis

[Angkor]

hmm...ok...i'm gonna have to go against the majority here.

Adonis - Abortion narrative isn't anything new but your character development gave it enough life to stand on its own. Someone mentioned earlier that the rhyming was forced and i have to agree. It was pretty awkward in places. I dug how you were able to craft a story out of the topic given.

Clutter Buck - haha a verse about "writing" is about as common as a story about abortion...maybe even more so. But i have to give a nod to the technical aspect. This was some seriously dope writing. Definitely shades of the old Baron Mynd. Wording were crisp and rhymes were fresh. i really enjoyed it.


Vote - Clutter Buck. This is one of those classic battle between story and topical. So in the end, like most cases, its a matter of preference. While Adonis had some excellent characterization, bringing to life a very tired narrative concept, it was littered with weird wordings. CB, on the other hand chose an even more tired topic but was able to salvage with some awesome rhyming. cool battle.

[PancakeBrah]

Fuck you both for centering your verse. Shit's dumb as fuck.

Adonis -

Pretty standard story. You mechanics were off in a lot of places to me. One specific example was the comma in "The bliss felt cut fear, out like a knife". Made the flow and idea awkward and I had to reread it a time or two just to get what you were saying. Even then it was just okay. Your rhyming was a bit stilted and dry to me; a lot of it felt like rhyme by numbers. Nothing truly innovative or provocative throughout the verse in terms of rhyming. You had certain lines that I thought were good but for the most part everything seemed standard. The characterization never went beyond surface level and no empathy was created for either character. There was a lack of subtly that I find is necessary when working with a story like this. I will say that

"His eye's flare open... His heart crushed his soles...
His mind crashed and burned; the text being the coals...
Time's stagnant; Lungs strain excessively,
His octave, is bitch made; as he weeps depressingly..."

was a strong point and a section I thoroughly enjoyed. Octave is bitch made was great. There's nothing in this section I would change, but the rest of your verse didn't match up aside from a couple of lines here and there like I said. Solid but unspectacular with a lot of room for improvement. This is like a bareboned outline of a story that could be good with a bit more work, thought, and creativity. Thanks for the read, I look forward to more.

Clutterbuck -

Very nice little ditty about the writing process. This is applicable to any process of through, but focuses on writing specifically. I've mentioned this in another vote, but you used the technique of forgoing supreme technical/rhyming ability for a focus on message and content. Here, it was pulled off with much aplomb. Not to say that your rhymes were weak; they were solid but you're obviously capable of stronger rhyme schemes. You still had some tricks up your sleeve with call back rhymes and a smooth flow that never relented. I enjoy verses like these; sometimes it gets old trying to parse the meaning of some cryptic or vague topical hoping to get the writer's meaning. Here you stated your verse's intent plainly and simply explored it with metaphysical imagery as your engine, not ambiguity. You employed hard single word rhymes with softer rhyming words behind them to create quasi-multi's that really lent this piece a smooth rhythm in my reading. I never got bored here; you simply explored the possible ways of shaping ideas through metaphor and stopped before it became redundant and forced. My only nitpick was the 'a shape that’s ideal and yet brutally honest.' I think you could have excluded either the and or the yet. That's my own personal preference for writing, not a true negative. Well done ol' boy.

Good battle fellas. v/Clutterbuck

[Zen]

Adonis- This verse held weight with me because of a past experience in my life when a bitch had an abortion without me even knowing she was pregnant. I know it's fucked up. But your writing here was a excellent as well. You are honestly one of the people I wished I could write like. Each word is placed perfectly, nothing is forced or awkward and I've never read anything I hated from you. Very good this week.

Clutter- I thought that the take on the topic was dope. Take an idea and make it "concrete" which is a very interesting and unsuspected take on the topic, but the way it was presented wasn't very interesting to me. Don't get me wrong, the writing itself was flawless. There were virtually no mistakes, but it was just lacking something in my opinion. What was it lacking? Idk, but it was lacking something lol.

v/Adonis

[Split]

Vote edited in tomkrrow

[Frank]

Topic :stone



Adonis
Daniel was the class clown; but only on the surface,
Made his peers laugh loud with every joke blurted,
His facade perfect.. He daily left his teachers floored,
^"teachers floored" not sure if literal, in a literal sense, but the imagery here although subliminal but maybe not even intentional was raw considering floors sometimes could be stone.
As they taught... They thought; his jokes meant he ignored,
The submitted work of course, was – Truly terrific,
The big “C” on his letter men was purely prolific,
Each score he'd thank god, then blow a kiss to the cheer squad,
^trumpet like line. summed him up while sounding off.
One goddess would catch it, her beauty un-flawed,
A vivacious vixen – with more color than a prism
^"prism"/stone/colorful gems
Hazel eyes positioned on silky skin un-christened,
A smile that gleams, pearly whites encompassed in serene,
^"pearly whites" teeth - stones
A face inside of dreams, no body cuz her mind is what we fiend,
Sara's natural elegance is second to her scholastic competence,
Both can choose any college due to academic dominance,
A match made in heaven, a couple so perfect,
From the outside... As I've merely scratched the surface.
^diamond stones don't scratch. but a boulder of emotios are easily carved.


Graduation in six months; They're prepared to fly the nest,
But a tiny seed can interject and make dreams defect
^good personal moment with yourself.
It seems timing's incorrect, for a bump to sprout,
Daniel's proud, scared; but overcoming every doubt,
His first thought, fright; who recruits a kid with a kid and wife?
But reality strikes; The bliss felt cut fear, out like a knife,
Sara on the other hand, just a bit uncertain,
She'd be burdened with being round at the cap and gown sermon,
So options were discussed, and sacrifices made,
It wasn't his stomach so his decision ¼ weighed,
^lol at 1/4 - how'd you do that lol
Sara held majority, but Daniel trusted her,
She's smart and loveable; intelligence unmeasurable...


“Daniel, pick me up. I can't drive. I need a ride home. @ the clinic”

His eye's flare open... His heart crushed his soles...
His mind crashed and burned; the text being the coals...
^"coals" - now the stones haven't gotten too hot to hold.
Time's stagnant; Lungs strain excessively,
His octave, is bitch made; as he weeps depressingly...

“I'll never have the chance to offer what I can!
I'll never be a man! Never forgive you and I'll never understand!
How Sara? I thought we had an agreement.
Our bond is broken, walk home. You're dead to me you heathen!


The worst part?
There's not even a stone plot I can visit to mourn,
^stone plot/...hedge?
Instead, there's a dumpster...
The grave site of OUR seed..

That wasn’t even born”...
^good grief.

vs

Clutterbuck
Take a concrete thought or idea
aim to spot the flaws that appear.
Before you adhere tools of the trade in
your engineering, view it with patience.
^good diamond in the clutch mechanisms here observing it as such.
- Use your creative juices to crack it,
^good slathering oughta do it`
there’s numerous ways if you just imagine!
Using a hammer could bring you results
but if you were to add just a chisel and sculpt
with unadulterated freedom of thought
^I like how you're chipping away.
& instinctive impulses leading the course
it could be so much more given time to perfect it.
- Clean up the corners and find a direction
File at each section that’s rough at the edges
so its lines are connected & done to your credit.
Study your effort with critical eyes
^i see a diamond cutter wiping down the diamond dust here
looking intensely at which you’ve designed.
- Is it precise and holding your gaze
^shedding light here
giving new life what you’d hoped to convey?
If no, strip away at the layers of debris
‘til what solely remains the creation you dreamed.
^good message
As great an achievement as you could accomplish
a shape that’s ideal and yet brutally honest.
A beautiful homage to original thought
remove what’s unwanted and rid it of flaws.
Strip to the core of the subject in essence
exhibit it purely and cut the excesses.
So nothing is left but the principle premise
to sum up the rest and deliver your message.
See, in the possessive hands of an artist
this gift of expression comes natural regardless.
Whether tablet or parchment or what you prefer
it’s how concrete concepts are turned into bodies of work.
^almost flawless finale. drum roll like from "creation you dreamed". very methodical writing. refreshing approach.


this battle was a between a story and a topical - now the word topical gets thrown around a lot these days but you rarely ever see a true topical. A lesson plan style of rap from a notorious writer is almost a tutorial from a writer who didn't need to but felt obliged to. And adonis, good verse - always have a couple fly lines in a flyer style. this verse was no different just not memorable. i have forgot what the it is about already, granted i'm high, nonentheless, i only see segments. clutterback's piece ironically felt more complete given his writing was only about the process. also he completely owned the topic - like a caveman claiming his man cave.


mvgt clutterbuck

[e11even]

Adonis- Though I felt like I read almost the same thing in the Bags battle, this was pretty good for what it was. You rhymed consistently, the story had almost flawless progression, and did a great job of conveying emotion toward the middle and end. The only problem I had was some character development. The female had no personality and neither had an intimate backstory. It seemed ccompletely told from an on- looker's eyes, and then from the guy's pov at the end. Not a whole lot of depth to the characters. The ending was a decent twist, but nothing to write home about. It was cool to have the guy's reaction though. That set it straight imo. Overall good job.

Clutter- this topic felt lazily chosen. Your great scheming and consistency with staying on topic saved you in a big way. Great way to write on something I would deem not worthy to write about. This was overall a pleasant surprise despite your choice of subject. Good job.


You guys did great this week. The displays didn't exactly wow, but props on execution and faithfulness to rhyming well and not trailing off as I sometimes battle with. Since technically tbis was sound on both fronts, i'll hafta go with the subject choice I appreciated more. MVGT Adonis.

[breathless]

Vote - Clutter

Adonis, there were so many spots where a simple switching of word order would've improved not only the multies, but the cadence as well, expressed syllables out of place and such, storywise though it was really nice, actually captivating in the tale, but not so perfect in the lyricality

Clutter, dude, I imagined a middle aged black chick wearing clanky bangles reciting this defpoetry style in a dank room, shit was literally flawless lyrically but aside from that somewhat lacking, but shit was so clean though...

[YDK]

Damn this was dope as fuck lol after reading Adonis verse I knew it would be hard to beat. You constructed an awesome verse man flow was on point an the storyline well crafted. You hit me on a personal level cuz my ex had a miscarriage an I know the feeling of losing a child you never saw. The segments helped the story progress with the time line. So good work with the development overall.
Clutter you came with it man, the short lines worked in your favor with the scheme you used an really brought a new meaning to concrete ideas. Against most other verses you woulda won easily but since you an Adonis were dead even in the technical aspects his personalization of the topic tipped the scale slightly in his favor. Good battle guys but I gotta vote for adonis

[Certain]

Adonis: I think the biggest issue for you is the simplicity of your rhymes. You work in internal schemes that help, but you stick with one- and two-syllable rhymes, and then on top of that you force them a bit more than is ideal. (A few examples: "academic dominance" and "purely prolific" were jarring turns of phrase, and I don't know what "The bliss felt cut fear, out like a knife" means.) But my bigger problem was the ending didn't feel deserved. You spent almost half your verse in that first stanza, setting up the characters individually and outside the context of their relationships and stations in life. Those descriptions being fairly generic didn't help. We don't know much about who these people actually are or why they're reacting the way they do. Why is Daniel so upset? In order to validate the ending, we really needed to feel like he had opened his life up and was ready for such a major sacrifice. That never came to fruition, so the emotional draw of that finish fell flat to me. There were things to like here. The story had some potential had it been written more in the minutes. But the structural problems and awkward rhymes and word choices made this verse more jarring than it should have been.

Clutter Buck: The contrast between these verses is intense. You went for a very clean, simple approach. You hit the topic thoroughly with your obvious extended metaphor and had ridiculously deep rhymes that probably were a bit too unrelenting. Your verses sometimes feel like they get predictable at times. But you know what you're doing and stick with it. I thought the concept behind your verse was very original, but the writing lacked punch. You simply were a bit boring. Still, the polish on it was very impressive.

Vote: Clutter Buck

[patrown]

Adonis - very good storytelling here. advanced flawlessly, great layout.. good content, excellent rhymes. liked the sarcastic tone and rhyme here..
The submitted work of course, was – Truly terrific,
The big “C” on his letter men was purely prolific,
and..
Sara on the other hand, just a bit uncertain,
She'd be burdened with being round at the cap and gown sermon,

overall you touched on a tough situation to explore and came out smelling like daisies.
so, good approach. villainizing the women is appropriate since it was a surprise to the guy, but still a little controversial in my humble opinion. not that controversy is bad.. it's just an interesting take on a situation often told very differently. nice job.

Clutter Buck - started off a little slow, but came through in the end. i enjoyed these lines especially. great honesty and depth.

A beautiful homage to original thought
remove what’s unwanted and rid it of flaws.

all the rhymes after that point were very good, and there was a lot of quotable material.you did have a very low syllable count in places, i think there were areas to expand that couldn't have hurt. but you did take a simple topic and created a great explanation of artistic aspiration. i enjoyed the piece as a whole and cant find anything to criticize.

/v adonis - i simply enjoyed adonis' story a little more. if it wasn't executed as cleanly as it was, clutter buck would have easily taken this. two great pieces, good battle.