Week 5 - Zenland (2-2) vs. YDK (2-2) - YDK WINS 10-2

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic

http://i.imgur.com/OGlCHJi.jpg




Good luck YDK Zenland

[YDK]

It was a Thursday night and slightly raining when it started,
Under the influence, retarded,
But it all stopped when my car did.
Sped through a red light and swerved to miss traffic,
Didn't see the yard I went into or the tree till I smacked it.
Brand new Corvette so glossy it looked wet,
Blue an red paint job meshed well till it got wrecked.
My family bought it for me for graduating for em
But the feeling of family's been torn since I hit a tree soarin.
There's been some division since I had the collision,
Focused on what's in my vision,
noticed hopelessness hidden.
I hit the tree doing 30 and started to back track,
Saw the fence that I smashed through and found a backpack.
I had hopped out of my ride an couldn't believe my eyes,
There was a little girl screamin just releasing her cries.
Trapped under the exhaust pipe, crushed, I witnessed her death,
Eyes staring at me as she took her last breath.
I ran from the scene drunk but I knew what I seen, fuck!
I wish it was a dream an that I could just wake up.
The next day on the tv I saw the father grieving,
Crying as he was speaking about his daughter dying; preaching.
Looking at the reporter he said "to all the supporters, bless you.
These times are stressful, an for those responsible...I'll catch you."
http://i.imgur.com/OGlCHJi.jpg
FLASH! I'm right back to the site of the nights crash,
That redlight keeps haunting me, I know I can't fight facts.
I worked up the courage to do what needs to be done,
Speak and not run to the father that I took a daughter from.
I walked up to the door rang the bell an a broken man answered,
I saw his eyes flare in anger,
as I spoke of what happened to the girl that he pampered.
"Im sorry I'm to blame,
I'm the fuckin reason that. your daughter was slain!
All the pain that you feel I just want to make it right,
I took a little girls life, so take mine! Here's a knife!"
As I handed it to him I could tell he what he wanted,
But he put desires to the side when confrontation was confronted.
My conscience was burning, just yearning for my flesh to bleed,
He hurriedly called the police and I didn't dare try to leave.
http://i.imgur.com/OGlCHJi.jpg
FLASH! I'm right back to the site of the nights crash,
That redlight keeps haunting me I know I can't fight facts.
Sitting in my cell, 3 months have passed, its hell
Gotta blanket torn to shreds as a noose to use on myself.
As I'm about to give up, on the top bunk about to fall,
I hear the sound of the preacher walking down the hall.
He comes to my door an says, "we all fall short of the glory,
What makes the difference is how we choose to end the story.
and if you're truly sorry for the things that you've done,
Say a prayer when your scared and lookin up at the sun."
I said "father there's no place in the world for a person like me,
Im in jail and they don't even like a people like me!
I've heard of fallen angels but I'm just a human that fell,
So you might as well send me to hades cuz ive been livin in hell!"
He replied "I know it sounds strange but stop driving yourself insane,
Cuz to be alive and survive; it's never too late to change."
And then with the only words that ever helped,
He said "Son, to ever be forgiven you must first forgive yourself."

[Zen]

Nervous Marley

She waits and stares at her straightened hair
In the mirror with her graceful pair
Of eyes which appears braced and prepared,
But she's late. She's scared.
So she makes a prayer to calm her nerves...
...But she's lost for words
And a nauseous surge caused a purge
That filled the walls of her purse.
She breathed when she paused in spurts.
Her behavior's illogical, but she knew it was impossible
That this could all get worse....
Her cheeks were pale as she got weak and fell
On her knees and felt
It pop and could see it swell.
"Please, please, please get well."
Marley stood although she hardly could
And walked to the sink,
Calm but on the brink of losing it again.
A confusion binge caused by what Cupid sent
Wanted to spew from within...
But she refused to give in.
She washed her face as the clock hit eight.
"Oh, gosh I'm late!!"
She said still obviously dazed.
Allot's at stake - She's got a date with Robert Drake
And prom can't wait!!
So she limps downstairs as her dress flows
And Robert's now there...
With a red rose.

[Mike Wrecka]

interesting battle. both came different than their usual styles.

ydk - now this is the first story ive ever read from ydk. in terms of a true story with a plot and dialogue and all that ive never seen him drop one even in the om. the story itself was really good. it brought out a lot of emotion in me. which is always a good sign. I felt bad for the girl and to a lesser degree the father. I felt like you could have dug a little deeper in explaining the dads agony. the last stanza worked because of the conversation with the priest. that was a good idea. it gave the main character a person to talk to instead of an inmate that wouldn't give 2 shits. the rhyming was simple though. too simple in some spots. I would have liked to see more multis. you used a few and it made it all much more smoother in those places. I liked the repeating red image another good concept. just a little too simple with the lack of inners and multis. you posted very early I bet if you had kept working on this verse you would have been able to go back in and add some of the things I was talking about and more the structure more complex.


zenland - this was not my cup of tea tbh. stylistically you tried something different than your norm. I didn't like it. sounded a little cat in the hat ish. the shortness and bluntness of the lines made the flow nursery rhymish. the concept itself probably sounded good in the beginning. and probably went like this, whats red. a firetruck, naaa fuck that. a rose. cool. how about a woman getting a rose. a girl waiting for her prom date. I could explain all the thoughts and anxietys that are involved in that very important memorable moment of her life. well really its a girl sitting in her room. which could be boring unless you really really dig deep on those anxietys and fears and really get inside her head. you kinda just scratched the surface. there was no emotion really.


overall- both wrote different from their norm. it worked out better for one and that was

vote -ydk

[Split]

Zen-

This was about a girl, nervous for her prom date- but also I think you were alluding to the fact that she was sick from pregnancy? Kind of a cool concept and you could have done a lot with that as a starting point. Liked your rhyme schemes and the shortness of your rhymes, mostly cause you threw in a spot or two where you twisted them together

Usually your stuff is AAAAABBBBBBBCCCCC but here it was more like AABABBBBCBCDDDD etc which I think showcases a lot more skill as well as giving your rhyming a natural lilt

One thing I'd advise is, either dont make your end-rhymes come midsentence where there wouldn't be a pause because then you're just fuxking with structure to give the illusion of flow. In those places you can use repetition or compound sentences to work around weird transitions. OK verse but I didn't see much connection to the topic outside the redness of the rose, or what it signified..maybe reassurance that things would work out. both for the baby and her? I like that


YDK-

decent verse, too. Its very possible that something red light a stoplight, which signals like an absolute/ forbidden transgression, could haunt someone who truly fucked up like your main character.

Didn't like the awkwardness of the dialogue or some lines, could have been edited for smoothness. However the "stressful/ get you" part was a cool and uncommon rhyme.

Didn't like your end at all... such a basic resolution that didn't warrant so many words or really satisfy me as a reader... I feel like if you're gonna come to a simple conclusion you should focus on the eloquence/ elegance of your rhymes and building your characters in a more 3D sense.
Decent battle tho, props to both

V/ Zen

[Certain]

YDK: This was the best verse I've read from you. Your storytelling was very clear, and you avoided doing anything to overwrite. If anything, you underwrote. The emotions felt a bit undeveloped because of the straightforward storytelling, but I think there was enough room in this story that you could have waxed a little bit and let the desperation become a little more obvious. First, you would have had to cut some redundancies. They held back your verse, particularly in the first stanza but really throughout. I know, last week everyone said you were too vague, so this week you wanted to be clear. And you were, and I give you credit for heeding that advice. As for the story itself, it wasn't the greatest. It's tough to understand why the police couldn't identify your narrator in the first place. Wasn't the car registered? And the ending felt a little too sentimental and preachy. But I do think this storytelling style fits you.

Zenland: This reminds me a lot of a verse I wrote years ago. Actually, it reminds me of a combination of three verses I wrote years ago. Those probably are gone now. Anyway, I liked it for the most part. The rhyme scheme was good, and most of the phrasing was good. But it was shallow. Most of the imagery was based around her sickness, so the foreshadowing was rather light. I also thought naming the characters just for the sake of one rhyme each was a really bad decision. If you're going to rhyme off a name, it really shouldn't be the only use of that name or it seems like the name was included just for a cheap rhyme. Plus, this verse could have had the feel of being about every girl, but naming Marley cut into that appeal. I think your better bet would have been to go into greater detail about this story, particularly emphasizing the topic. Maybe she had red lipstick and a red dress. The topic just felt sort of thrown in at the last moment. So basically I like where your head was at, but I think the execution fell short.

Vote: YDK

[Geno]

This was a dope battle

Ydk, ssurpisingly dog.. you slayed this battle. Dope use of the red topic

Zen, you did your thing. I feel you may be a bit rusty though? Killed your concept in certain areas but mechanically fell off during your verse, a lot.

Sry for a weak vote, just filling in for other peoples lack there of..
Going with
v- ydk

[PancakeBrah]

YDK -

This piece didn't do much for me. The story has been done before and the message is cliched. You didn't bring enough innovation to make it interesting. The rhymes and imagery were unoriginal, aside from one or two spots. Most of the rhymes trended towards simply, and sometimes forced and simply. For a story like this you either need to take an interesting intellectual angle towards it or take the cliched and make it original again through great rhymes, rhythm, imagery, and flourishes of language. I thought you incorporated the topic well (I enjoyed the repeated use to set up and tie in the three verses) and I enjoyed the wording of this line

"Eyes staring at me as she took her last breath.
I ran from the scene drunk but I knew what I seen, fuck!"

but aside from that I was left wanting. Look forward to your next verse.

Zenland -

This was okay. A little short and rushed feeling, but decent. Your rhythm was strong as I usually find it to be and your schemes, if not a little weaker than the last two weeks, were good enough. I liked the misdirection. As I was reading this it felt much more foreboding than the result. It was a cute. A little underdeveloped, but readable.

v/Zenland

[King Ra.]

Wow, I'm pretty shocked here. YDK, I must say, I loved your story. I liked that you really took the time to write as much lines as you needed to tell it because from the beginning to the end, it read like a novel. Very deep & emotional, I liked how you split it in different parts and each presenting a different perspective. The ending, which a lot of people tend to miss on because it comes to sudden or not complete, was the icing on the cake. You said you would bring it and you did. Mechanically solid, your scheme was pretty basic, but the storytelling is what stood out the most. Zenland, you've been rolling lately but here I feel you took a step backwards. Your concept was pretty creative and I didn't really have a full idea of it until it got towards the end, so I give you major points on that but I wish you had more content. It's not that everything in your piece was sudden, but I feel it could have used more meat to really bring that concept to fruition. I wasn't entirely impressed as I was last week with your style, it was a bit more on the simplistic side of things but you were solid. But I feel where you lacked in story, YDK gained and that is where I draw the line in this, YDK really came here and dropped one of the better pieces this week.

MVGT: YDK. Good job by both competitors.

[Angkor]

ydk - cool verse, buddy. I don't know how much sense this makes but i thought it was a bit overly done. At the root of it all, it was a verse about guilt (already a very cliche theme, mind you) but it was dressed up (literally) a bit too fancily (is that a word?). So in other words, it was building up, I THOUGHT, to something grand but didn't quite deliver. However, for what it was, it was a great verse. Very straight forward narrative and technically safe. i dig it.

Zenland - I dig these anecdote verse. It basically spoke of a moment. I thought u captured it very well with some brief fast-pace rhyming. Technically i thought it was pretty cool. There were flashes of greatness in terms of rhyming and i'm sure this was only half effort which speaks for the actual skill you possess.

Vote - Zenland. Sure it was short and brief but it was interesting to me. There was a touch of authenticity about it. YDK had a more thorough plot but it was a very cliche'd type of narrative.

[breathless]

Vote - YDK

Although I wasn't really feeling the basicness of rhyme words chosen, you had an awesome story, kept me interested and wanting to know where you were taking it. Shit was real, like, on a real level.
Fave lines...

My family bought it for me for graduating for em But the feeling of family's been torn since I hit a tree soarin. There's been some division since I had the collision, Focused on what's in my vision, noticed hopelessness hidden

Zen, this just didn't speak to me, dunno if I missed something, but it was just like, girl suckin her dad's dick waiting for her prom date? Although you implored more creative multis, they seemed sorta awkward at times. And the usage of names just seemed out of place.

[Inno]

Ydk great stuff great wording great progession through out the entire
Piece. Dope flow and imagery. .looks like you really fleshed this one out.
Seems wepl put and thought out....diggin the story alot.

Zen.

Seems like you rushed this..and with your style when its on its fucking dope
But when you rush you get this...its almost on the brink of genius.
But it falls a bit short. Or it could be taking a chance biting you in the ass.

Vote. Ydk for a more detailex and developed tale.

[Adonis]

YD - Wasn't a fan of "For em/Soarin" "Crying as he was speaking about his daughter dying; preaching." Talking and preaching might not be the same exact thing, but it was a bit redundant to have them both in one line. I know it was for flows sake, but re-wording this line and only using preaching could have cleared that up quickly. So the concept or ending at least was I thought was dope. the story was cool, I enjoyed the time sudden time changes as they kept me peaked for not really knowing whats next. I also enjoyed some of your imagery...The girl crying, the cell and such. I think this was a bit rushed though from you brother..."Speak and not run to the father that I took a daughter from." "I could tell he what he wanted," The first I don't like because of "run to". The second was a typo, but that's why i feel this was rushed. That broke up the flow for me while reading so thought I'd point it out. All in all, there were simple errors, but I felt a lot of good shit was at work here. Solid imagery, decent flow although some was not..."Wanted/Confronted. bless you/catch you" Solid verse, not the greatest, but you were good where it counted..Story progressions and evoking emotion/imagery.


Bipolar - Never was a fan of the separation of a sentence into a a bar or two lines..."graceful pair of eyes which appears braced and prepared" Also no S on appear. Then talking of eyes being braced and prepared for whats going on is ok, just never seen it in this tense before. So, to be blunt, I don't understand the sincerity of the entire story. I mean the poor girl had a panic attack over leaving for prom, which I'm sure on some level is true. But that was the main focal point of the story in this case which to me seems, well, a bit unnatural. This girl should be happy too, mixed emotions, not vomiting and breathing as if her life is ending. IDK?


V/YDK

I think both verses lacked in flow due to wording and breaks in lines so that's null. I loved the progression in both verses, but YD's more so, also felt his had more meaning and emotion to it. So I got YDK winning by a sizable margin..

[e11even]

YDK- Fucking powerful, dude. It started off simplistic as hell and then that FLASH turned shit up. (I'm pressed for time so pardon me...) I really liked this piece. Technically questionable as far as flawless and awe-inspiring, but storytelling really brought it home. Great job.

Zen- This was dope. Teen girl finds out she's prego the night of the prom. That shit hits hard, bro. This resonates with me in volumes. This was crisp, concise, and left enough out to have the reader wanting more. Good stuff.

P.S. Was prom boy the daddy though?? That woulda blown the roof off this battle, lol.

Both of you guys hit this topic pretty hard. We have a double header of life's tribulations this week and you two made it a hard judge. Bottom line, I think my gut is telling me YDK edged it with a more dramatic and thought-provoking entry. You guys did great. MVGT YDK

[patrown]

/v YDK - cliche. good use of topic. apparently, the character was driving a stolen car. could have thrown that in to make the story work. or saying the character was hiding out, etc. should have hung himself. good rhymes. "like a people like me!" character is also Italiano? ending two lines with "like me" failed. careful with your language when giving quotes. cuz preachers say cuz all the time. i like how you ended it, although it was kind of cheesy and i thought it was cool the bastard was hanging himself. terrible situation. if i was the Dad..... heh. yeah. forgiving guy. good story. made me feel a whole bunch of different things. good work.
Zenland - didn't really allow me to relate to the character. not enough. spewed from within, popped, could see it swell. A PIMPLE? hahahaha. i hope she left her vomit purse at home. but i think this was pretty good, for being about a pimple. i think? you really didn't give us too much to work with here buddy. a little bit vague, ambiguous, but not quite enough for me to chew on. so far, Marley needs a Xanax perscription, puked in her purse, and popped a zit. i really do like how you write, and this playful little tale was entertaining. your verse just didn't have depth like ydks. but you did do more with less. he just had a lot more.

close call imho.