PDA

View Full Version : Week 5 - Split Eight (0-1) vs. Genocide (0-1) - SPLIT EIGHT WINS 11-1


Certain
10-21-2013, 11:50 AM
http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic

http://i.imgur.com/5q7rN1c.png




Good luck Lucifer, Split Eight

Split
10-21-2013, 03:46 PM
hey

Geno
10-21-2013, 06:37 PM
Ahoy

Geno
10-23-2013, 12:58 PM
Uncomfortably Calm.

Airborn -he floats, clairvoyant zone
To many voices, noises, pour through his dome
Its like written music notes in the form of books
Swarms of hooks, lyrics, spirits in the storm afoot
Horns, accordians, a performance only war could match
He found a void, adapt, becoming poised with that
And had a big problem in school, but wrote a column of news
His psychological mood was under doctors review
But the kid was just a product of growth, odder than most
While other peers blossomed he was watched as a joke
Its a commonly known fact when your different your punked
While nobody sees his predicament's as big as it was
They had a miserable touch with words, but he prevailed
Sailed, and found out who he was cause he studied himself
Until suddenly hell doesn't feel like a punishment now
He has the blues all the time, but he loves to be down
In touch with the sounds and figured out the gift and the curse
his mental prison is worse when he isn't a jerk
This is his work, a dickhead and let's experiences live in his words
What he gives you is hurt, and writes songs about shit that he learned
On less typical terms, his fantastic voyage is done
His records been labeled, and now he has employment with one

Split
10-23-2013, 08:27 PM
I'm sorry, up front. As sure as this globe's neutral cerulean tint,
This isn't an aria for love. Not tragically-flawed unduly remiss,
it's all the thought from above fused in a sketch
as the sun drew me traveling fog upon illusory pitch...

Sixteen was my age. By the third or some-th date,
We quickly explained we'd 'just hang,'
and relaxed where the sand missed the lake.
With embarrassing shake, dropped a palm on her thigh.
I'd brought a (finely aged) water bottle of Skyy-
Alexa... paper-rocked harmonica eyes,
Rough radiant slate, with lineal faults of glassy azure-
and we talked 'just' to listen to the laughter of words...
the sun wasn't set, next to yellow-red rays in the pond.
I cut the inappropriate slang with a cough,
despite the enormous ration of shots.
In light of transportation-based costs,
we were just a walk from her home.
Falling in close, I thought of the pause of my touch,
and lovers and love is brushed as broad as dawn and the dusk.
I'd caught in her eyes. The light sway of a sigh,
this was one kind of way strangers say a good night.

In the winter, I stood in an unravelled apartment....
We'd met in the park over casual coffee, among the rabble of Harvard.
Caught up fast over scatter-brained grey matter reserves,
the growing pains college days can have on your nerves...
Her eyes were faded navy, spangled in a glowing granite explosion.
It was maybe the angle... or I'd forgotten the tint ages ago in synaptic erosion,
Friends see apology framed as a distance. A gap with width of an ocean,
falling in stasis- crawling haze like the flurries as the blizzard approaches.
In shallow, miserable focus I slipped in my coat- she adjusted my tie.
Wrapped in the black of midnight alone, I looked up and laughed in the cold
this is just a way strangers cuss their good nights.

Shaded by funeral parlor, we escaped the sound of "til death"
And her eyes were alive, defined with a new color again.
I never had noticed, everything changed in the suns many crests,
but nothing becomes something from which it doesn't begin.
For the sake of time... I kissed her as love might intend,
as sure as her eyes are as blue as summer day sky in decline,
I knew this is one way strangers delay their goodbyes.

zygote
10-23-2013, 11:02 PM
For Genocide, enjoyed the semi-autobiographical nature of it all, thought it was good with the different parts to throw you off, E.g., beginning with the word "Airborne" using the word "Sailed" it's some nice symbolism. Also enjoyed the grounded ending.

For Split Eight, liked the parts where the focus was on small details like the describing of the coat and tie etc. Language was eloquent although some parts felt a bit inaccessible. Strongest part was the last section, thought the wording in that part was great. Voting for Genocide.

Mr. J
10-24-2013, 07:59 PM
This was a nice battle, I enjoy both writers
both tend to remind me of better days to say the least
good match up to be perfectly honest...

Geno, You always have a flawless way of attacking a piece
you tend to put a lot of effort into the flow of the piece
which makes the read much smoother than most writers can attempt to do
it's always a pleasure to see you focus on a piece as well
it brings a little more...what's the word I'm searching for...
I'll think of it...then I'll use it..either way your verse was interesting
nice way to go at the topic

Split, It's been awhile since I've actually had the chance to see you..
it's nice to see you still writing, your verse showcases your growth
the idea you brought to the table was great as I continued to dive deeper
the flow was off at certain points, but not enough to damage your thought process
it kept a smooth transition from beginning to the mid section then end
I feel as you kept progressing through your topic you started to unwind
and it came across genuine...dope work

As far as my vote goes...and as far as this battle goes
it seems like a trip down nostalgia lane, nice work...my pick for BOTW
I enjoyed both verses but only one can come away with the win
both different writers with a great way of showcasing their skills
really kept their motive clean cut as well as...enthralling?
maybe that's not the right word right now, but I was quite impressed
as far as my vote goes, I'ma have to give it to Split for enjoyability
something about the end just stuck with me from his verse
tough choice to be completely honest...cheers gentlemen

v/Split

e11even
10-24-2013, 09:56 PM
I like this battle. The verses were in the same vein, but still felt like two completely diff angles.

Geno- This was an above-decent verse. Great start, I was caught up in the body, and the ending rounded out well. I honestly can appreciate pieces with that personal touch. It adds to the overall air of the work, as well as giving it an almost tangible feeling. I liked it a lot.

However, deeper description would have grabbed me more. And the perspective also has a large impact on the impression the reader may have on the piece. It felt like a passive agressive way to write an autobiography. Maybe that's just me.

Split- This was a more than solid piece as well. I liked the perspective and how personal it felt. I felt a more vivid picture was painted, and I could literally see things as I read it. That was pretty cool for me tbh. Some language usage eluded me, but for the most part, it was a solid grasp.

Very descriptive, though the focus seemed a little erratic in one spot.

Overall, great battle. Both of you showed up and put effort into your pieces. Geno's felt more naturally written, while Split's felt like it conveyed a more complete message and picture. I liked both a lot, but i'll go with which left me with a lasting impression. MVGT Split.

patrown
10-25-2013, 12:07 AM
Lucifer - I think these four bars are your most solid.

Its a commonly known fact when your different your punked
While nobody sees his predicament's as big as it was
They had a miserable touch with words, but he prevailed
Sailed, and found out who he was cause he studied himself

.. your verses culmination. finding oneself, the crux of your characters experience. as far as the verse goes, in its entirety, you lack an underlying theme that could have given you some greater depth or entertainment value. for instance, i was searching for more of the music/orchestra = words theme. i enjoyed that here.. and wanted more of it.

Its like written music notes in the form of books
Swarms of hooks, lyrics, spirits in the storm afoot
Horns, accordians, a performance only war could match
He found a void, adapt, becoming poised with that

anyway, there were a few issues with grammar and punctuation. tense changes and "your" instead of "you're." that's not being considered in my vote, but it did affect my read. i know the type of character you're trying to portray. a couple of them actually. so you painted a real enough picture i can say this is a good topical. yet, i wanted something to happen as a result of his self understanding. and for the record, i have no idea what you mean by "he has employment with one." a bit off in the last two and vague for a concluding statement. good verse , lacked depth and polish.

/v Split Eight - ill get right into it.

Alexa... paper-rocked harmonica eyes,
Rough radiant slate, with lineal faults of glassy azure-
and we talked 'just' to listen to the laughter of words...

.. love how you worded those three. they stuck out in particular. set the mood, well.

then these two..

I never had noticed, everything changed in the suns many crests,
but nothing becomes something from which it doesn't begin.

profound. immense. gratifying. that's how i'd describe those two lines.
altogether, i enjoyed your brevity while going through the ages. skipping out on all of the hard times, just focusing on the two. as they must have simply enjoyed themselves, staring into eachothers eyes. and that's it. one thing i truly didn't understand is the "strangers" theme. i could try and come up with some bullshit, but i'll spare you. i just didn't get it. but everything else, i truly enjoyed. great story. very good rhymes. you stayed coherent throughout some long sets of assonance. synaptic erosion"" felt a bit forced, but it was only the huge syllable count. no complaints, still. i took this as a story of two friends who never took it to that next step, who's hearts belonged to eachother. very good stuff.

symetrik
10-25-2013, 04:48 PM
Lucifer:
fave lines:
and found out who he was cause he studied himself
Until suddenly hell doesn't feel like a punishment now
He has the blues all the time, but he loves to be down
In touch with the sounds and figured out the gift and the curse

not sure how the story connects to having a record label, and the fact that he "finds himself" by realizing he's a jerk is off-putting in comparison to the opening (where you feel bad for him), though I suppose if that's the emotional transfer you're looking for you got it.
all in all, some rhymes seemed forced (and placed there just because they rhymed), story was confusing, and ending didn't connect.


Split Eight:
really great use of words that connected with the image (I'm assuming you kept the color sort of icy), favorite lines:
Caught up fast over scatter-brained grey matter reserves,
the growing pains college days can have on your nerves…
the whole thing gave a good read and story line, good flow, and good connection at the ending to both the topic and to the ways previous stanzas ended.

vote: Split Eight

Zen
10-25-2013, 08:51 PM
Welcome back to both of you.

Geno- This verse was a little underwhelming to me after reading what you wrote for our collab. Nothing about this verse was bad, but none of the lines stood out to me as worth remembering tbh. The strongest point of this drop was the flow which is usually the strongest point for you. If I had to guess, I'd say you were rushed because if you had more time I know you could have developed a more rounded out and compelling story.

Split- Great verse. The amount of detail you applied to each line of this verse was extremely impressive. You painted the picture perfectly and transported the reader there and that's the mark of a great writer. Also the word usage was outstanding. In fact there were more than a few of these words that I have no idea what they meant, but they sounded nice. Virtually everything about this was executed perfectly. Well done.

V/ Split

Adonis
10-27-2013, 11:29 PM
Geno - IDK man. This progression of the story was out of whack, I mean you went from a kid being sad to being signed on a label. The flow had moments, but there were parts I didn't like or simply have a different pronunciation and didn't find the flow (different your punked/ Big as it was) I do appreciate the use of non A typical rhymes as that though, just was a swing and miss for me.

Split - "where the sand missed the lake"...Dope imagery/wording..."With embarrassing shake", not so much dope. Good imagery, but I see you either omitted a word or changed wording for flows/inner scheme sake. Would rather this line be touched up with less rhyme or shortened for imagery alone, you don't have to do both non stop if one is good enough. "Paper rocked harmonica eyes" dope ripple in the water imagery.

So, the opening stanza takes me for a spin, because you say it's not a love Ballard but it clearly is. I feel like you're literally talking about a lake, but also playing with the mind in making me think it may still be a girl. either way, some truly astonishing lines, I say that meaning fucking amazing imagery and wording.


V/Split

To me, split had Geno from the beginning. I quoted a few lines from the start of splits verse because they are stand out. Split faded a bit near the end, but the concept was there, was a bit more refined I feel because it didn't have awkward time frame leaps or anything, and still executed the topic better while having a decent flow even if it wasn't the most complex. I don't mind, because the work he did drop was solid. Good showing

Angkor
10-27-2013, 11:36 PM
Genocide - So this verse, to me, spoke on the motive behind some of the rappers we see out today. I can't help but feel that specifically, it was speaking of Eminem. Or maybe some subtle allusion to some unknown Blues artist, idk. Well anyway, the plot was a very interesting one. Character born from a life of hardship had no choice but to embrace and even adapt psychologically to his predicament. All in all, this was a very ill assessment on turning weakness into strength and being resourceful as the character in the story was able to turn something of a "curse" into an opportunity to get into the music industry (which is probably another form of curse in itself lol). very cool, bro.

Split Eight - Great verse, dude. A very nice coming of age story written with much attention to detail which gave the story much life, as other's have already touched on. I really thought the idea was interesting. It was rather unclear as to why the two friends didn't just become official lovers but i thought that maybe that was the point of the piece - maybe the regret? Or maybe they were a couple and it was supposed to be written from an estranged pov. whatever the case was, it was a pretty engaging piece...almost cinematic, for lack of better words. great job.

Vote - Split. To be fair, i thought both verse were interesting and Geno might've beaten more than half the verse this week but Split seemed to have brought his A game this week. Well done, u two.

YDK
10-28-2013, 12:38 AM
Damn this was dope an sorry for the short vote. I got split taking this narrowly with busts stronger emotional connection and better use of the topic. Genocide I loved the flow man an against most verses I woulda had you taking the win but I felt split edged it out with a sincere piece that really spoke to me. Good shit guys

Vulgar
10-28-2013, 01:33 AM
Genocide I've always been drawn to your style because of its well spoken-ness and inner honesty. You're a writer who's not afraid to give expectant readers a dose of your reality. Nice wording, pacing and what not. A little lax in terms of overall impact. You keystyled this one vs. actually trying to write one of your best pieces.

Split Eight I was going to say that you may tend to over-detail your verses to the point of suffocation. I'm not. The ending was very crisp and surprised me. This was like Requiem of a Dream meets The Notebook with a collegiate edge. Completely you, lol. I still think you can shave off some of those episodes of erratic detail speedpainting. Utilize some of those types of lines, but also give the verse some room to move around and stretch its legs... the reader can either be inside of a cramped train car or watch someone do ballet in a relatively empty one en route to Perception Ave.

Thought Split took this.

Certain
10-28-2013, 01:36 AM
Genocide: As much as it's obvious that you're a great writer, I'm very interested to see how you handle this league because you write a lot of verses like this one, that ultimately are about you. I didn't really see the connection between this verse and the topic, but it was very well written. Your rhyming is off the charts, and here you did it without making anything confusing or forced.

Split Eight: I am not really in the mood for an extensive breakdown, but this is the best thing I've read from you. You kept us in the moment and wrote with graceful poetry and mostly fluid rhymes. A few more anchor points of storytelling might have been nice, but this might be my favorite verse of the week. Plus the tying together of multiple instances of light blue was great.

Vote: Split Eight

This pretty clearly is the battle of the week in my opinion.

Frank
10-28-2013, 02:35 AM
genocide

audio flow is really snapping now, I'm worried if you are going to be taking serious in this writing league because of it.

this flow was dope

And had a big problem in school, but wrote a column of news
His psychological mood was under doctors review
But the kid was just a product of growth, odder than most

high octane flow but I feel as though it's the same story every time - struggle and perseverance, try writing your next piece from a different space next time.


split

tiny personal details worded poetically, verse had bursts of colors and the writing had a inaccessible relateability to it

Falling in close, I thought of the pause of my touch,
and lovers and love is brushed as broad as dawn and the dusk.

vote went to split,