Week 6 - Adonis (2-2) vs. Zenland (2-3) - ADONIS WINS 7-0

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic :** You must use this quote as the last line of your verse.**


"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids. "





Good Luck Adonis Zenland

[Zen]

Recess

Fuck a topic Z. Socrates with a pot leaf. I obviously can not be beat. At the top of the heap. Alone. Just me and Robin Leach. Fuck biggie. He got it from me. I part the seas possibly Moses got the feed and did not retreat. I suppose probably, logically, the folks are following me quotin me. It's got to be. Least that's my philosophy. Hopefully, fuck hope geez, I know it's me. These meddling kids felt my hits and they tell their friends while I went south in peace. Been in hell ever since held in the pits with felt tips and a bag of stale chips. Get laid and blast. Rap way too fast for you lames to match my brains flash of genius. Spit flames - catch. Eat it. Half the features of Cain in a black hat; the leader of the rap revival. Already grasped the title with my last recital. The last, the final, to sap the bible's holy. Here's the forbidden fruit back in your iTunes. Fuck the vinyls homie. Hi dude!! I have blissful news. Get your shoes we ride soon to high noon. Time for school. Despise the rules. Live in the blues. See red. Die. Boom. And that's just recess. You bunch of rejects asking "What's your secret?" I believe it's enough to see it but tough to believe it. Just crush this weed in with a dash of coke, that's supposed to be a touch of seasoning. Find the balance. My writers challenge is filling pads with notes while I'm higher than the mountains. The fires out. Shit. Cash that smoke and pass the remote bitch. Now focus this is important. You whores this is just an average showing. Click.

Edit: Just saw the ending must be the quote, shit. I loathe this but I suppose I'll get that medal bitch for leveling this. Wasn't gonna use it, and I woulda got away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids.

[Adonis]

Daniel was born, June of 86'
Mother jailed as baby weans and kicks,
Endless scream's rejoiced,
Lungs labor each breathe in a gurgling noise,
A premature birth; a scratch and claw escape,
Grasping dear life every second he's awake,
Every breathe intake is pure oxygen filled,
Pipes fastened and sealed, an apparatus of gills,
Assistance to live.. How pathetic,
Divine existence... Not even Doctors take credit.


The courts only see the problem, never the reason,
He's fifteen and piecin', a rep together with ease, and...
He's bouncing house to house...System owned,
Thick skin grown as a family he's never known,
Little Daniel, a handful, such a problem child,
While his friends aren't different in their styles,
Each with a bad heart, his good if not for a murmur,
Born in the dumps and that was just a precursor.

He changed his ways, living to please a mother he loved,
Not biological, but still cared for him much,
Daniel went from failing to honor roll,
Arrests and protests to such a grander mold,
Years pass and this collegiate affiliate..
Still sported Red and had a lean when he walked with a cigarette...

"What you doing down here boy, the damn nerve,
Best pray to your god, cuz tonight your bed's the curb".


Froze in fear as he back peddles from cripts,
"I don't bang" as the metal sang a tune,
And I would have got away with it too,
If it weren't for you...

Meddling kids.

[symetrik]

zenland:
favourite lines:

Spit flames - catch. Eat it. Half the features of Cain in a black hat;


This piece was extremely weak, seemed to give it little thought, had potential for some good lines or ideas, but they fell through.



Adonis:
favourite lines:

Endless scream's rejoiced,
Lungs labor each breathe in a gurgling noise,

"What you doing down here boy, the damn nerve,
Best pray to your god, cuz tonight your bed's the curb".

"I don't bang" as the metal sang a tune,
And I would have got away with it too,
If it weren't for you...
Meddling kids.


Really good use of the "ending line", they way you simply re-arranged and made it fit much more nicely.
I wanted the "bed's the curb" line to flow more smoothly, needed an extra syllable or two in my mind, but again, just me.
Good storyline, no lines that stuck out super far but nothing under par either.

vote: adonis

[patrown]

zenland - pretty sick. caught on to it's rhythm pretty fast. don't have any complaints, really, for what it is. favorite lines, Half the features of Cain in a black hat; the leader of the rap revival. Already grasped the title with my last recital. The last, the final, to sap the bible's holy. Here's the forbidden fruit back in your iTunes. Fuck the vinyls homie. i don't agree to ' fuck vinyl,' but i do think it sounded great on the end of that set. although this was a good verse, i'm fairly sure it wasn't written with your topic in mind.. but i still would rather have read it than not.

adonis- although i do feel the end was rather abrupt, you told the characters entiire story flawlessly. wasn't thrown off by anything. enjoyed the story and the rhymes.

He's bouncing house to house...System owned,
Thick skin grown as a family he's never known,

good play on the phrase.. awkward wording that i was ok with. the second line may have been reworked, near the middle.. but that's my only criticism.

Daniel went from failing to honor roll,
Arrests and protests to such a grander mold,

you got my hopes up for a while. not that this happening would not be tragic, but the fact he got his shit together after finding a family who cared for him just made it even more tragic. the first stanza started off real poetic, set a good tone. there weren't too many multiples throughout, and i was ok with that. in fact, i commend you for keeping it simple and relying on the story itself to gain you the /v.

/v adonis - i definitely enjoyed adonis's read more. besides that, he incorporated the topic into his story effectively. easy decision, imo.

[Adonis]

Posting Voting links HURR

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=28484

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?p=198496&posted=1#post198496

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?p=198500&posted=1#post198500

[Mike Wrecka]

ok guys kinda quickie vote my bad

zenland - I read this verse three times now. ill be honest, idk wtf u were thinking when you posted this. its a obvious keystyle written in a swag and flow style. if this was an OM piece I would say cool. but this had nothing to do with the topic at all. at least as far as could find. I would say you were rushed but you posted it super early so all I could think of was that you were stoned. time to stop experimenting with styles perhaps


Adonis - the story was ok. the rhyming was ok. it was basic but you usually stay on a strict syllable count a lot like me, so that makes it a smooth read. I really don't understand the ending but it doesn't matter. it was infinitely better than what zenland posted. so im not gonna re read it. I have the suspicion you saw his post and coasted to an easy W


vote - Adonis

[breathless]

Vote - Adonis

Zen, I would've really liked this if it was just an open Mic piece, but since it was the topical avenue, I could only like it, had to drop the really part, 'cause really, this wasn't bad. You had me killin this flow all the way up to seasoning and then it sorta petered out, but definitely did not go to being bad. Although the "ah-x-ee" rhymes are so overdone you brought some unique qualities to it, switching from the ahs to the oys etc. And then after using the oh and ok sounds to rhyme with the le word endings was a nice touch that a lot of people aren't comfortable with. But, with that said, it lacked real substance, more a display of how well you can spit which is a pleasing juxtaposition to always reading stories here

Adonis... Real nice storyline, not the typical good kid gone bad, bad kid gone good story... I almost felt like this coulda been my life story, aside from the dying part, my name's Dan, born in 85, brought up in a good home, honor roll, went crazy with drugs, dropped out, got my shit together, and then that pic of me in the blue and red, crazy relation... Some baaner meinhoff shit...
This is the most well written piece I've read from you yet, no complaints on weird cadence or off rhymes at all, killin it throughout, just poetic enough to not come off hokey, and just lyrical enough to not come offlike an OM piece, and you told a while concise story in a fairly small amount of lines...

Fave lines
He changed his ways, living to please a mother he loved,
Not biological, but still cared for him much,
Daniel went from failing to honor roll,
Arrests and protests to such a grander mold,
Years pass and this collegiate affiliate..
Still sported Red and had a lean when he walked with a cigarette...

[PancakeBrah]

zenland -

This was solid to good for a flex piece but for a topical league I felt this was a cop out, a feeling that was only further augmented by the way you shoe horned in the task for the week. Some of the lines and sections were dope, others were a little weak. Opening was strong. Some other portions I'm too lazy to copypaste right now. This was fun to read, but not in keeping with the heart of the league.

adonis -

This was okay. Story was standard fare, nothing exhilarating or new. Rhymes were solid at some points, weak at others. Flashes of good wording tempered by a bit more wonky wording.

v/ Adonis from a purely topical standpoint.

[Diode]

Zen:

Alright Ghostface, the topic wasn't Bulletproof Wallets. Interesting rhymes for rhymes sake but mostly GFK nonsense except for when it wasn't. Had nothing to do with the quote and there was no story here whatsoever.

Adonis:

You kind of win by default just because Zen went to planet Mars with his verse. I agree with Cake in that this was alright. Nothing stood out as special, but it told a story and incorporated the quote.

v/ Adonis for bothering to write something

[Vulgar]

Battle was pretty meh to be honest. Zen came with a cypher verse and Adon had a decent take on the topic. I've seen far better from both.

Vote - Ado

[zygote]

Zenland it is good to experiment and try different styles of writing, I have noticed you normally write these big stories (like that so-called "obnoxious Dave" thing) but don't let a lack of votes deter you from trying different styles of writing. Only thing that lacks here is the overall cohesion, it could have worked if you had synthesised the topic into that style of writing. E.g., worked in the last line requirement as well as keeping the 'theme' of the language the similar to the topic. Different styles work best when they support the overall message you want to present rather than just a different style for a different styles sake.
Adonis, decent story it could have used more character development, but it is interesting how often you start describing characters from birth or conception in your stories. Good recurring theme, perhaps could have written more about the early childhood stuff in this story to make the character more sympathetic and also by extension make the ending stronger. Voted for Adonis.